Heartbroken. After 22 Years, How My Story Ends [update]

[Hope Shimmers]

Ex AP's hatred for social networking goes back to 2011, when his then-wife utilized it to facilitate her affair. She left x-AP for the other man.

 

The ending of my relationship with him came last week, when he feared a Dday and expressed guilt about being disloyal to his live-in girlfriend.

 

Today, I received contact from him, asking me to look at her Facebook page. She told him that someone had asked her out to lunch on Facebook, and he wanted to know who it was and what specifically was said.

 

First of all - I couldn't BELIEVE the audacity. LOL So I didn't respond to his contact, but out of curiosity I did visit her Facebook page. Lo and behold, his girlfriend was NOT asked to lunch - it was SHE who asked a guy out to lunch! She probably figured x-AP would never find out as he hates Facebook and never looks at what she does on it.

Interestingly, she cheated on her husband and left him for another man. She was with that man for three years and - two weeks after leaving him - got with x-AP. I'm sensing a pattern here.

 

My understanding is that the only real conflict between x-AP and his girlfriend, up until now, is that she wants to get remarried while x-AP vows NEVER to get married again. Wonder what he'd think if he found out she lied to him about asking another man out to lunch.

 

Twotowns... after 22 YEARS of wasted time I hope that you will stop communicating with ex-MM and stop caring what he and his g/f do or don't do. It should be no concern of yours... why is it still?

[TwoTowns]

Twotowns... after 22 YEARS of wasted time I hope that you will stop communicating with ex-MM and stop caring what he and his g/f do or don't do. It should be no concern of yours... why is it still?

 

My ending came less than a week ago...and I don't consider all of it wasted time. And I never responded to his contact - for me that is tremendous progress.

 

I was purely and simply CURIOUS to see what his girlfriend had posted. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not gonna lose sleep over how he would react, and I'm not invested in this little drama between them - or I would have replied to him.

[Hope Shimmers]

My ending came less than a week ago...and I don't consider all of it wasted time. And I never responded to his contact - for me that is tremendous progress.

 

I was purely and simply CURIOUS to see what his girlfriend had posted. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not gonna lose sleep over how he would react, and I'm not invested in this little drama between them - or I would have replied to him.

 

Hi TwoTowns. I am glad you don't consider it wasted time, for whatever reason. I was involved in the same kind of thing for about half as long (continuously though) and I consider it wasted time. I do hope that you will continue to ignore him.

[Ailsa1983]

I would take a photo of it send it to him, then tell them they deserve each other you are no longer care nor interested.

 

But I'm a vindictive little madam when I want to be :rolleyes:

[Tullyseptember]

Two towns, I realize your ending is only a week out and with such a long history with the xom it will take you time to process and settle into your new way of life. I feel though if you truly want to move forward you will need to cut all avenues of him being able to contact you and you will need to stop contemplating the gf's past/present&future. It really is unhealthy to stay engaged in their lives. Live yours, leave them to make their own choices and decisions. I myself spent to much time time analyzing what my bf's other woman was doing. Now that was a waste on my part! Take care of you:)

[TwoTowns]

I am still firmly on board the train of NC. Dad is having a surgical procedure this morning that hopefully will restore some blood flow from his heart and buy him some time.

 

Siblings are coming into town this weekend.

 

And in moments of frailty or stupidity I can always venture over to LS this weekend. I truly appreciate all of the feedback and advice I've been given since I started posting here.

 

[Scorpio Chick]

TwoTowns, I would respond more but I'm on a lunch break at work. I wanted to reply o a previous post you made, and it broke my heart for you. I can respond quickly to this one....you go girl, for ignoring this sadistic, twisted message from him to you. I do not like how he treats you and if I could, id kick him in his arrogant, selfish behind for you. Anyway, may you find the strength to keep up ignoring him. I think you will.

[whichwayisup]

and I'm not invested in this little drama between them - or I would have replied to him.

 

Yup, good choice, don't reply, completely stay out of it. Sounds like you have enough going on in your life. I hope your dad's surgery goes well.

[TwoTowns]

you go girl, for ignoring this sadistic, twisted message from him to you. I do not like how he treats you and if I could, id kick him in his arrogant, selfish behind for you.

 

Thank you so much. I laughed when I read your post because it reminds me of what my sister said the last time x-AP attempted contact: "I wish I could smash his face." LOL

 

I get stronger in my resolve every day.

[Trimmer]

I would suggest that while "no two-way contact" is an excellent start, that you progress eventually to "no contact", by blocking his ability to even initiate an attempt at contact.

 

You haven't responded - and that's great - but he's landed a blow. He has stoked you thinking about him, piqued your curiosity to the degree that you went and did his bidding (even if he doesn't know it), and are curious and wondering about his new relationship.

 

Even if you don't respond to him, this all affects YOU.

 

So I acknowledge and congratulate you on the "no two-way contact" policy you are maintaining, and I encourage you to take this important next step. Good luck!

[TwoTowns]

I would suggest that while "no two-way contact" is an excellent start, that you progress eventually to "no contact", by blocking his ability to even initiate an attempt at contact.

 

You haven't responded - and that's great - but he's landed a blow. He has stoked you thinking about him, piqued your curiosity to the degree that you went and did his bidding (even if he doesn't know it), and are curious and wondering about his new relationship.

 

Even if you don't respond to him, this all affects YOU.

 

So I acknowledge and congratulate you on the "no two-way contact" policy you are maintaining, and I encourage you to take this important next step. Good luck!

I agree this is the next step for me to take. Initially I didn't think he would be reaching out to me again, because he seemed so adamant that he was done.

Going to try to muster up the strength to do genuine NC.

[Trimmer]

I've just gone back to read more of your earlier posts (I think maybe the mods combined threads here since I first posted in this one?) and I wanted to offer some more words of support and warning.

 

It seems to me as if what he is doing is keeping you at arm's length so you don't mess up his current life, but then when he has anxiety or difficulty, he uses you (and I mean that in the most offensive, derogatory way) for moral and emotional support. And comments like the following are especially concerning:

 

My understanding is that the only real conflict between x-AP and his girlfriend, up until now, is that she wants to get remarried while x-AP vows NEVER to get married again. Wonder what he'd think if he found out she lied to him about asking another man out to lunch.

 

I think it's important for you to see clearly how pathological your relationship with him has been, because my concern for you is that his anxiety with the current state of his relationship, combined with his girlfriend's history of blowing up relationships, may leave you with that same old feeling of "If I just stick it out, he will become available to me again..."

 

Please don't continue to fool yourself with this kind of thinking. If it was really meant to be, then don't you think you would have joined up in some kind of non-pathological relationship somewhere across two decades? If he were really the man you want, the man you deserve, do you think he would so reflexively spit out those cruelties when it's time to hold you at a distance? To push you away when you are an inconvenience?

 

So I believe an important process for you will be not just to settle on he's probably not going to become available, but in fact, to go an important step further and come to see that whether he becomes available or not, he's not the man you want in your life.

 

Otherwise, if you only go halfway there and convince yourself that he's just not available right now, then you're still stunting your progress, holding yourself in a waiting state, and leaving yourself open to starting the whole process over again of beating yourself over the head with that same old baseball bat.

 

You have before you a moment of opportunity - opportunity for change. There is a certain amount of turmoil, of turbulence, of trauma in your life at the moment. I absolutely don't wish you pain, but sometimes we only create real, fundamental change in ourselves as a result of such trauma and turmoil, so this becomes a chance for real growth.

 

This may be a silver lining opportunity to make that real, fundamental change - to really bring this thread of your life to a close, and not just go back into the same repeating cycle.

 

This is a golden opportunity to create a real turning point - a life-changing turning point. Take it one step at a time, but don't think small - think big. Not just "maybe I'll wait a bit longer" but "this has been enough." Not just the consolation prize of "maybe we'll be friends" but "I need him out of my life." Not just "no replies", but NO CONTACT from any angle or direction, with prejudice, certainty, and finality. You don't want to know what's going on in his life, in his mind, or in his heart, because it does not matter.

 

Don't be sucked back in. Baby steps forward, but have big goals: clear him out.

Edited May 24, 2014 by Trimmer