Remorse and shame... after the affair.

[anabel32]

Hi, I am new here although read threads for long time.

I finally decided to break my affair with MM, after almost two years. I don't want to get into details but he professed his true feeling of "connection" towards me, much stronger then his wife. His actions however never proved his words to have any meaning behind that. We were in daily communication but when met up for short 1-2 hours periods of time it was mostly about sex.

 

His communication started to slip, he stopped seeing me that often as before and started mumbling something that he and his wife might be planning pregnancy soon together. They were only married for 3 years. It really hurt me when I heard that but I guess he treated me mostly as a "friend with benefit" and assumed it wouldn't have much effect on me... It did, tremendous.

I broke it off... 2 weeks ago. He understood that I needed to move on. I felt great for the first few days but now the feeling of shame and guilt doesn't let me focus on anything I do. I feel sick with myself thinking what I got myself into during this time. I wasted two years of my life. I have learnt the lesson of never stepping into such relationship again, however it is hard for me to cope and accept myself for being in such relationship for such long time. I lost self- respect and I can't look into the mirror anymore.

 

He hasn't got in touch. I didn't expect that and I am glad he did not, but it just breaks my heart thinking that he is getting on with his happy life with his wife, planning to get pregnant and things like that I am staying home on my own grieving all what we have been through. It hurts knowing that he is not hurt. It hurts that I didn't mean anything to him at all.

 

How to move on? I feel so guilty and stuck in my own thoughts. I cannot get through a day without thinking about it all the time. I didn't know I got myself so emotionally involved,. I thought I also treated it casually, but it looks like I was living in denial all this time.

Any advise or wisdom would be very much appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[purplesorrow]

Hi, sorry you are hurting. I am on the other side, a bw. Pain is pain. Time and focus on becoming a you that you love again will get you through it. I spent a lot of my time volunteering. I also made a list of 25 new things I wanted to try, from exotic foods to challenging my fear of heights! The key was to just focus on me and getting better. Get out of the house, make yourself spend time with friends. I can't tell how many long drives I took just so I could scream and cry. It won't be easy, but slowly you will start to feel stronger and start to heal. We've all done something we regret. Peace to you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Purplesorrow gave great advice.

 

The feelings of guilt and remorse and loss of self respect are horrible, I know. But in order to survive and move on, you have to consider that you learned something about yourself through this experience.

 

Time helps, and distraction. I know that the rejection hurts but it gets less with time.

[Fluttershy]

This isn't a popular opinion on this side of things and understandably so. People who want to keep their affair a secret don't like the idea of informing the BS. But I think for you it may help. Not to get him back or anything but because you feel bad about what you did. He was what wr call a cake eater. Made extra true because he did not have the tie of kids. He will very likely cheat on his wife again. I would send proof of the affair and a letter disclosing it occured to the BS. She will either believe you and be able to make an informed descision about her life or she will think your crazy and ignore you. Either way you did what was right and you will know that. What she does with the info is up to her and not really about why for yoursel you informed her.

 

This may help a lot with the guilt. And so will time. You screwed up and hurt yourself really bad. People make mistakes. You need to work on forgiving you. Accept it was wrong and move on. Perhaps Ic would help you if you have no one IRL to talk to about this.

[2sunny]

Write out what your denial looks like.

 

You may be able to target some things that will help you to never settle for again.

[anabel32]

Hi, sorry you are hurting. I am on the other side, a bw. Pain is pain. Time and focus on becoming a you that you love again will get you through it. I spent a lot of my time volunteering. I also made a list of 25 new things I wanted to try, from exotic foods to challenging my fear of heights! The key was to just focus on me and getting better. Get out of the house, make yourself spend time with friends. I can't tell how many long drives I took just so I could scream and cry. It won't be easy, but slowly you will start to feel stronger and start to heal. We've all done something we regret. Peace to you.

 

Thank you... it is such a horrible pain, pain after affair...much worse then any other relationship, for all people involved here. And the feeling of guilt and shame makes it so much worse. You grieve not only loss of the relationship, the connection but also you grieve the loss of yourself, your respect and your boundries. If I was a person standing outside of myself and judging all what I have put myself through, i would be simply disgusted. Why was I so blind all this time? Why didn't I trust myself that I was heading in a very wrong direction all this time. Living in denial... it is so easy to make wrong choices.. but to fix them, at this point seems so impossible. At this point I can't think of anything I could do to make myself feel better. But I will try... day by day.

I just have to come to terms and forgive myself, but it is gonna be hard... I just hope this pain will go away.

[2sunny]

Thank you... it is such a horrible pain, pain after affair...much worse then any other relationship, for all people involved here. And the feeling of guilt and shame makes it so much worse. You grieve not only loss of the relationship, the connection but also you grieve the loss of yourself, your respect and your boundries. If I was a person standing outside of myself and judging all what I have put myself through, i would be simply disgusted. Why was I so blind all this time? Why didn't I trust myself that I was heading in a very wrong direction all this time. Living in denial... it is so easy to make wrong choices.. but to fix them, at this point seems so impossible. At this point I can't think of anything I could do to make myself feel better. But I will try... day by day.

I just have to come to terms and forgive myself, but it is gonna be hard... I just hope this pain will go away.

 

It should be about YOU!

 

YOU should be considering your spouses feelings.

 

Your STILL being selfish and self centered. That's never going to repair the damage YOU caused.

[carhill]

How to move on?

How do you process the end of a relationship? Say where a person turns out to be incompatible and you end it or if/when another person ends it with you? How do you grieve that death? Each person is different.

I feel so guilty and stuck in my own thoughts. I cannot get through a day without thinking about it all the time.

Part and parcel of this kind of relationship and the resultant introspection. Rinse and repeat with any other relationship. Are any of us perfect? Doubtful. We all make mistakes and poor choices and have to reconcile those events with our self-worth and move on. IMO, accept the guilt and that you will think about it, today. Tomorrow, who knows? Take each day as it comes

I didn't know I got myself so emotionally involved,

Now you do, so you learned something about yourself. That's good information. You can take away life lessons from it.

I thought I also treated it casually, but it looks like I was living in denial all this time.

Now you know, this time, what the connection of casual and serious can look like. One more data point under the belt of life experience.

Any advise or wisdom would be very much appreciated.

 

Take some solo time to work through this. You were in the affair for two years. That's serious and long-term. One doesn't get over that in a day or a week. Seek out and spend time with friends and doing things you enjoy. Let the process happen. Will there be bumps in the road? Yes!

 

If not already done, eliminate all means of contact, even if it means changing phone numbers, e-mails addresses, social media accounts, whatever. You can only control you and you have choices. Good luck!

[veritas lux mea]

It should be about YOU!

 

YOU should be considering your spouses feelings.

 

Your STILL being selfish and self centered. That's never going to repair the damage YOU caused.

 

Did I miss the part where she was married? I reread and don't see it.

[carhill]

It should be about YOU!

 

YOU should be considering your spouses feelings.

 

Your STILL being selfish and self centered. That's never going to repair the damage YOU caused.

I had to re-read but I don't see that the OP is married? OP?

[Hope Shimmers]

It should be about YOU!

 

YOU should be considering your spouses feelings.

 

Your STILL being selfish and self centered. That's never going to repair the damage YOU caused.

 

Where did she say she was married?

 

In fact, her post suggests that she is single, not married.

[anabel32]

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Purplesorrow gave great advice.

 

The feelings of guilt and remorse and loss of self respect are horrible, I know. But in order to survive and move on, you have to consider that you learned something about yourself through this experience.

 

Time helps, and distraction. I know that the rejection hurts but it gets less with time.

 

Thank you... yes, hope the time will help. I just hope in time I will forgive myself. It is not anymore about losing him, as I never had him really, but it is all about loosing myself in this process. Who I am, or maybe who I was before I met him. I am not the same person anymore. I feel so disgusting at this moment. But I have my beautiful 3 year old daugther (I am single mum) and I will do my best to prove her that she can be one day proud of me. I just need to find all this strength. I am so glad I found this forum.

 

By the way... your signature made me laugh... through all the tears while writing all that...

[veritas lux mea]

I felt really bad, OP, after my A. Really bad. It was like all the guilt i buried came up. I was married and hurt my best friend so yes, it was terrible. But I can tell you more than a year later I have forgiven myself. You will get there too. Just keep making positive choices from now on. And I would consider informing his wife. He sounds like a man who won't stop cheating.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you... it is such a horrible pain, pain after affair...much worse then any other relationship, for all people involved here. And the feeling of guilt and shame makes it so much worse. You grieve not only loss of the relationship, the connection but also you grieve the loss of yourself, your respect and your boundries.

 

This is the worst part of ending an A. And you're right - it is the most horrible pain. Trust me - I know what you're going through. The worst thing is losing yourself. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can ever begin to understand what that is like.

 

Whatever anyone else says, it IS about you. You need to focus on YOU, fixing why you entered into this relationship and stayed in it. It's very easy to collapse under the pain and guilt and grief, I know - I did it too. And it's okay (and necessary) to grieve. But you have to move forward, and you will. You can't give up or give in to it.

[anabel32]

Where did she say she was married?

 

In fact, her post suggests that she is single, not married.

 

I am single.

[anabel32]

This is the worst part of ending an A. And you're right - it is the most horrible pain. Trust me - I know what you're going through. The worst thing is losing yourself. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can ever begin to understand what that is like.

 

Whatever anyone else says, it IS about you. You need to focus on YOU, fixing why you entered into this relationship and stayed in it. It's very easy to collapse under the pain and guilt and grief, I know - I did it too. And it's okay (and necessary) to grieve. But you have to move forward, and you will. You can't give up or give in to it.

 

I will not give up for sure. But just at this moment in time I can't see any positive feelings and thoughts on a horizon. I trust as you say that it will come but I guess no easy road here and any shortcut of getting there yet. I have to go through the pain. I have to step on every single rock that I have thrown under myself before I get to see better perspective. I just don't know how to cope with these feelings at this moment. I live in UK and would like to go to see a therapist but I cannot afford it. I am single mum and unfortunately therapy costs a lot. I just hope I can manage to process it all somehow myself and with support forums like that. i just don't know where to start. Yes, I have lots of digging within myself to do to understand why and how... but I just need to work it out how and where to start with all that.

[anabel32]

I felt really bad, OP, after my A. Really bad. It was like all the guilt i buried came up. I was married and hurt my best friend so yes, it was terrible. But I can tell you more than a year later I have forgiven myself. You will get there too. Just keep making positive choices from now on. And I would consider informing his wife. He sounds like a man who won't stop cheating.

 

Thank you for sharing how you felt. Glad to hear it does get better with time. As you say I will focus on making positive changes in my life... whatever it can be... for me or my daugther. Maybe taking little baby steps will get me somewhere and I will start forgiving myself.

[whichwayisup]

Forgive yourself. Just know that you found the strength to end it and did the right thing - Do not beat up on yourself anymore. Grieve the loss, wish him well and try your best to not feel guilty. Work on you so you won't fall for any married guy and put yourself in a situation like this ever again.

 

Be good to yourself - Surround yourself with good friends and family and live life. Don't look back!

 

Glad he's not contacted you but if he does, don't answer, stay in NC mode.

[anabel32]

Forgive yourself. Just know that you found the strength to end it and did the right thing - Do not beat up on yourself anymore. Grieve the loss, wish him well and try your best to not feel guilty. Work on you so you won't fall for any married guy and put yourself in a situation like this ever again.

 

Be good to yourself - Surround yourself with good friends and family and live life. Don't look back!

 

Glad he's not contacted you but if he does, don't answer, stay in NC mode.

 

Thank you. These are wise words. I can't express how better I feel after posting here and getting replies and support from you all. It is beautiful to feel that there are people who wish well, even in such situations. My friends think that I broke it off months ago, but I slipped back after talking to him again. I will not do that again. I was in denial and I didn't see the damage at that time that I was making to myself and to his wife. I can start seeing it now, that is why it is so hard to accept that I put myself through all that. There is a lot to grieve and a lot to fix... I am not slipping back on NC. The more I stay away from him without contact, the clearer and honest with myself I will be. From what I read in few posts here I see that LC is only a cover up of all the feeling that we just don't want to deal with when we go NC. We are then stuck with ourselfs only... no more lines from the other partner to make us feel better in any way. We are left with ourself to process all feeling and emotions, regardless of how ugly they are. LC just keeps us away from that... denying really that the relationship came to an end. My trust is that NC is much harder but worth all the effort and grieve.

[PachucaSunrise]

Hi, I am new here although read threads for long time.

I finally decided to break my affair with MM, after almost two years. I don't want to get into details but he professed his true feeling of "connection" towards me, much stronger then his wife. His actions however never proved his words to have any meaning behind that. We were in daily communication but when met up for short 1-2 hours periods of time it was mostly about sex.

 

His communication started to slip, he stopped seeing me that often as before and started mumbling something that he and his wife might be planning pregnancy soon together. They were only married for 3 years. It really hurt me when I heard that but I guess he treated me mostly as a "friend with benefit" and assumed it wouldn't have much effect on me... It did, tremendous.

I broke it off... 2 weeks ago. He understood that I needed to move on. I felt great for the first few days but now the feeling of shame and guilt doesn't let me focus on anything I do. I feel sick with myself thinking what I got myself into during this time. I wasted two years of my life. I have learnt the lesson of never stepping into such relationship again, however it is hard for me to cope and accept myself for being in such relationship for such long time. I lost self- respect and I can't look into the mirror anymore.

 

He hasn't got in touch. I didn't expect that and I am glad he did not, but it just breaks my heart thinking that he is getting on with his happy life with his wife, planning to get pregnant and things like that I am staying home on my own grieving all what we have been through. It hurts knowing that he is not hurt. It hurts that I didn't mean anything to him at all.

 

How to move on? I feel so guilty and stuck in my own thoughts. I cannot get through a day without thinking about it all the time. I didn't know I got myself so emotionally involved,. I thought I also treated it casually, but it looks like I was living in denial all this time.

Any advise or wisdom would be very much appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, but trust me, there are many others on here, myself included, that will tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Just knowing that continues to comfort me as I go through the same emotions you have described. I hope it will continue to comfort you as well.

 

TIME - it's the biggest factor. It sucks, it hurts, and it's gut-wrenching, but it's only going to get better as the days pass. I did NOT believe that at first, but as the days are SLOWLY passing, I'm starting to see the light. I always say how awesome it would be if only time could be fast-forwarded, but it can't, and so we're stuck dealing with the aftermath, and it's not at all fun.

 

Even though it's painful, it really sounds as though you're beginning to truly see the reality of everything. That's helped me tremendously, and I think it can only help you, too. When you're finally out of the situation and can see it from a realistic standpoint, it's harsh, but I think it's one of the first steps in moving forward - it's more or less part of the healing process.

 

It also sounds as though you've been seriously beating yourself up over this. I did (and continue to do) the same thing. It has slightly lessened as the days have gone by, but it's still very much there. Personally, I don't think I will ever actually 'be over' the situation I CHOSE to find myself in, but I am slowly learning to forgive myself. Again, with time, I think you will be able to do the same. There are no excuses for our poor choices, but you cannot beat yourself up forever. I've been there - the way you described not being able to look at yourself in the mirror - and I know it's just awful - but I believe there comes a point in time when you will fully accept your mistakes and learn to love yourself again. It's definitely an uphill battle, but I can promise you that it does get better when you simply take one day at a time.

 

Stay busy, as much as possible. Talk to close friends who you know you can trust. Maybe even consider therapy (I just started that process myself). Read through threads on this forum (very, very helpful). I've also learned that positive self-talk helps (even though it's quite difficult to do at first). Just do your very best not to ruminate on the negative aspects - it's definitely hard not to, but doing that will not help you to move forward. You realize that you made some poor choices, you are clearly remorseful for those choices... And now begins the long and emotionally draining battle of getting your life back on track, and most importantly, getting YOU back. It will happen, but it definitely takes time. Be delicate with yourself and always remember that you're NOT ALONE. Big hugs to you!!

[Tullyseptember]

I'm hoping each day brings a little more clarity and peace to you. As a Mother maybe you could shift your thoughts of being ashamed and focus on being a strong role model for your daughter so that when in the future she is in an relationship she knows instinctively not to accept bad behaviour. I understand the feelings of guilt/shame and remorse. Let those feelings pass through you but don't let those same feelings overwhelm you. It's tough I know but the more focus I put on being a respectful person the less those feelings pulled me down. You can do it and also can you search out any counselling resources in the UK that might be affordable for different income levels? Take care

Edited May 21, 2014 by Tullyseptember
Left a word out

[anabel32]

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, but trust me, there are many others on here, myself included, that will tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Just knowing that continues to comfort me as I go through the same emotions you have described. I hope it will continue to comfort you as well.

 

TIME - it's the biggest factor. It sucks, it hurts, and it's gut-wrenching, but it's only going to get better as the days pass. I did NOT believe that at first, but as the days are SLOWLY passing, I'm starting to see the light. I always say how awesome it would be if only time could be fast-forwarded, but it can't, and so we're stuck dealing with the aftermath, and it's not at all fun.

 

Even though it's painful, it really sounds as though you're beginning to truly see the reality of everything. That's helped me tremendously, and I think it can only help you, too. When you're finally out of the situation and can see it from a realistic standpoint, it's harsh, but I think it's one of the first steps in moving forward - it's more or less part of the healing process.

 

It also sounds as though you've been seriously beating yourself up over this. I did (and continue to do) the same thing. It has slightly lessened as the days have gone by, but it's still very much there. Personally, I don't think I will ever actually 'be over' the situation I CHOSE to find myself in, but I am slowly learning to forgive myself. Again, with time, I think you will be able to do the same. There are no excuses for our poor choices, but you cannot beat yourself up forever. I've been there - the way you described not being able to look at yourself in the mirror - and I know it's just awful - but I believe there comes a point in time when you will fully accept your mistakes and learn to love yourself again. It's definitely an uphill battle, but I can promise you that it does get better when you simply take one day at a time.

 

Stay busy, as much as possible. Talk to close friends who you know you can trust. Maybe even consider therapy (I just started that process myself). Read through threads on this forum (very, very helpful). I've also learned that positive self-talk helps (even though it's quite difficult to do at first). Just do your very best not to ruminate on the negative aspects - it's definitely hard not to, but doing that will not help you to move forward. You realize that you made some poor choices, you are clearly remorseful for those choices... And now begins the long and emotionally draining battle of getting your life back on track, and most importantly, getting YOU back. It will happen, but it definitely takes time. Be delicate with yourself and always remember that you're NOT ALONE. Big hugs to you!!

 

Thank you so much for all your words... It is is very supportive. I did read a lot of threads on this forum.. hundreds of stories and some of them really got to me since described exactly how I have been feeling or how his wife might have felt too. There was also an insight from cheating MM that also opened my eyes for some of the reasons that might have put me and my MM on this 2- year path together. It got me to think things through and not beat myself up so hard...

Today has been much better and feeling more positive then yesterday. In terms of forgiving yourself and feeling guilt and remorse I found a nice article that I would like to share. It helped me to understand why I justified being in affair for such a long time. as the article goes you realize that getting involved in affair is just a symptom of many issues lying within us. Many insecurities and emotional needs and validations that we so much seek. Having an affair just show how we need some fixing to these underlying problems to be done. It is somehow a breaking point to realize that we need to start digging deeper to understand why we engage in such disfunctional relationships... and we agree to be mistreated and disrespected on so many levels. There are reasons to all that and affair is just s symptom of all these issues that we now need to face after the end of the affair, when finally we are left with ourself and the feeling of shame and remorse after that.

 

How to Forgive Yourself After the Affair - GoAskSuzie.com

 

It has been much better day... I hope I can stick to finding ways out of these surpressing feelings and slowly feel more positive. I wish that to you all.

[harrybrown]

Do something fun with your daughter.

 

Continue to do the 180 with the AP.

 

 

the next time, find someone that you do not have to share with anyone, except maybe your daughter.

 

I do have to share my wife, with her new boyfriend. He is our four year-old grandson. I gave my wife a kiss on the cheek. My grandson wiped it off, and gave her a kiss. I do not mind sharing her with my grandson.

 

I do know about pain. time will help. I just still do not like sharing my wife with her OM.

 

never will. (almost 40 years now, who would have thought)