Do all OW want to end it? from a MM

[StraightNow]

I came across this site to see the OW side of things and it has really helped me with my decision to end things with my OW. Seeing what everyone was going through makes me feel bad for what I did to her and put her through. I still care for her, but wish it never happened. She changed alot for the worse and I feel responsible, hopefully she is well on her way to being a happier person without me, I truly wish that for her. It seems like everyone here wishes in some fashion they could end it with their MM. Is this true? Did she want to end it regardless of who ended it? She is PO'd and laying the guilt trip on me very heavy which I understand and except but I only want to make her happy and I didn't want to leave my W, and didn't want to put her through the crappy situation anymore. Ending it was the only way I figured she can be happy and find the right guy for her. I think she hates me but I guess its worth it? If I can provide any feedback from a MM perspective I'd be happy to, even if you want to call me a schmuck, thats what I feel like.

[fanou22]

I cannot speak for everybody else but myself.

Yes I wanted MM to end things so many times.

I did all I could think of (except calling his W) to make him end things on his side but no avail.

 

I still struggle with how to end it once and for all. Every day I hope I am a day closer to the end.

Sometimes I feel like we are playing the cat and mouse game. When I start pulling away, he is here. Calling me all the time, e-mailing me countless times, and coming to my place when I least expect him to. When I start coming closer he pulls back.

 

I know he is baiting me into it. I keep telling myself that I will meet a nice single guy and MM will disappear overnight. Seems like this is not happening. He does not want to end things unless I get into a relationship with an available. He does not see my point of view that it isn't healthy for me to be with him.

 

On the bright side of the OW's life, he made plans for us this weekend

 

You did the right thing to the OW.

My question for you is Why did you have an affair? What were your feelings towards the OW? Do you thing that your marriage is dysfunctional to make you seek something outside of it?

[StraightNow]

This is first part is copied from an earlier post of mine answering the same question:

 

'I was and am very happily married I never thought something like this could happen to me nor did I think I would let it happen to me. It just did. I was weak and she was perfect (bad combination). She was never better or worse than my W. My W doesn't know nor has she ever questioned it, I was never to blatant or crazy about it, I think? Though looking back I was pretty bad and stupid. I met two perfect women they are so similar and I have (had) a strong bond with both physically and emotionally. I just couldn't have both and I was committed already to my wife and have kids and happily so. I don't know if the OW and I could have made it we probably could have under different circumstances but that part of committing and living together is huge, alot more than having a strong emotional feelings, talking alot and having sex, who know's. I should have never acted on it but I did and sorry I put the OW through that, like I said I feel bad and guilt on both ends my W and OW. I wish it would never happened but still have trouble not thinking about her and how nice she WAS and what good times we had. It still wasn't worth it for either of us? I'm still confused about stuff but feel we are both in a better place since ending it.'

 

Do you want him to end it cause you can't? Why doesn't he if he know's the pain he is causing you, or does he realize that? That was my problem I didn't realize how much pain she was struggling with till she started changing and showing it and getting mad and upset. I wanted her to end it cause I couldn't, she tried but it never lasted then with the help of a site like this and realizing how bad I was for her I was able to end it, but it was is hard.

[whichwayisup]

Hey Straight...I'm not gonna bash you, not gonna judge either. Kind of nice to see your side of things, you're honest about how you feel too.

 

I respect that you ended it with your OW cuz I bet she was suffering alot. I'm sure you've read OW threads here and seen the damage it does to them.

 

Do you want him to end it cause you can't? Why doesn't he if he know's the pain he is causing you, or does he realize that? That was my problem I didn't realize how much pain she was struggling with till she started changing and showing it and getting mad and upset. I wanted her to end it cause I couldn't, she tried but it never lasted then with the help of a site like this and realizing how bad I was for her I was able to end it, but it was is hard.

 

Seems most of the MM are selfish, the ones that are talked about on here anyway, and do not think of the OW and her pain/suffering at all. Nice to actually read what you've said, that you did feel alot for her and it just wasn't for sex. You were honest too.

 

Well, I'm sure it's not easy for anybody involved. Keep posting.

[Mr Spock]

I want it to end-but I want him to end it with HER.

 

Sigh.

[fanou22]

I want him to end it because I don't have the guts to do it on my own. Every time I tried doing so he would send me one of the "I lam so in love with you" e-mails that make my heart melt.

NC has never gone more than one week between us. We always end up back together. I figured it would be easier if he was the one to initiate the break up.

 

My unhappiness in the affair comes from the little things like the "I will call you" when he does not. The painful part is letting go. I want him to let go when I do that is all.

 

At the same time, I don't sit around waiting for him day and night. I do have some friends that I go out with and a fulfilling life. All I am looking for is someone to replace him with and that is the hard part.

 

What about you?

[Zoot]

Originally posted by StraightNow

but I only want to make her happy and I didn't want to leave my W, and didn't want to put her through the crappy situation anymore.

 

If you didn't want to leave your wife - why did you involved someone else in the first place? Admit it - you wanted sex outside your marriage and this little deception worked for you. AT LEAST find someone who understands it's only a fling - don't you dare promise love for sex. That's mean and cruel.

 

Setting her free doesn't make you a hero. It reminds me too much of fox hunting.

[Leaf]

What do we really want? For you to get your head out of your arse! Freaking make a decision and stick to it. If you dont want "us" the let us go. But dammit admit that you were just using us in the first place. Thats all it really was.

If it wasnt, then you would leave the W for us. Dont give us some social babble about that piece of paper that means nothing everytime your d*ck is in us but all of a sudden is the foundation of your life when we want more.

[newby]

i have a question for you straight now

did you ever get scared your wife would find out? if you did or if you were experiencing guilt did you resent the ow for it?

also you must have said SOMETHING to keep your ow in there, did you begin to lose respect for her that she fell for it or would put up with the situation anyway (knowing you would never leave w)???

[izzybelle]

Straight,

 

yes and no. for me i can tell you of two different situations each with different answers.

 

i was involved with two MMs. the first, well over a year ago, was a brief perhaps more typical situation. he was questioning his marriage and was attracted to me. i could tell he was struggling with the whole thing and on a number of occassions i told him that if things got too complicated for him to let me know and i'd back off and let him be. i knew it would just be a matter of time before he took me up on that. but yes, i wanted him to make that decision because i couldn't or perhaps didn't want to. i never was in love with him, i cared a lot, and had become attached to the physical nature of our relationship. after only a few months he did tell me that although he still thought that he would leave his wife at some point, he needed to do that with a clear mind, that he was walking away because it really was over and not because he found someone else. we're still in touch and i still see him around and found out last weekend that he did leave his wife. i got an email from him yesterday that he's still struggling with the situ, mostly because of his kids.

 

in my 2nd A with a MM, the answer is no. i didn't want him to end it, or at least as spock said, i wanted his relationship with his wife to end, which i had been told, over and over and over again, was going to happen. we had fallen in love and had, what i thought was a very strong emotional relationship. it was long distance, so it was always more emotional than it was physical. his W was the one who had told him she wanted a divorce so in some respects he thought he was "free". circumstances changed and they decided to give the marriage one more try. and he ended things with me. we OW hear a lot about "well, what did you expect?" him going back to working on his mattiage was honestly the LAST thing i ever expected to happen. we had talked about our future and how he wanted to be with ME forever. the ending of that relationship was more painful than anything i've ever experienced in my life. and now, even after about 9 months the pain and effects of it ending come back to haunt me. not as frequently any more, but the damage that relationship did to my ability to trust will take a long time to put behind me.

 

the ending with MM #1 didn't do nearly as much damage to me... perhaps the connection wasn't as strong but he had also never promised me anything and i knew he was really struggling with the whole thing. MM#1 has young kids....MM#2's kids have both left home, and i think that makes a big difference in how i felt as well i still, in many ways hope that MM#1 is able to work things out with his W for his kids sake, i think MM#2 is just being stupid. sorry, i know that's cruel, but i wasn't his first A and i do believe that at some point, if things don't change drastically with his W it will happen again, and again.

 

i appreciate your asking these questions. many believe, and in some ways i understand, that the OWs feelings don't matter. we should have known better than to get involved with a MM. and there is some truth in that. we're just expected to walk away and deal with it. no sympathy, no understanding of how we feel because so many see us as homewreckers and bad people. i'm sure you've seen that that's not the case in all situs. sure there are some women out there who perhaps are out to destroy someones marriage but i think for many of us we're just unfortunate, or stupid enough, to get involved in a bad situ. and it's a tough call. the relationships can be very painful to be in but for those of us who develop a deep connection to our MMs it's more painful to think about losing them than it is to deal with the day to day pain of the relationship. but.... once it's over, it's over and we can begin to heal, while it's still going on.... there's always hope and sometimes that hope is enough to keep us going until the sharp smack of reality hits up side the head and heart again. it's a no win situation either way there's pain for all involved.

[StraightNow]

No, I don't consider myself a hero more like a zero. It wasn't a fling it wasn't just for sex. Sex was definitely a part of it. This affair evolved over along period of time. A great friendship turned into an emotional attachment then led to a physical one. I take a majority of the blame no doubt, but it takes two to tango. I feel bad about it for sure I truly don't believe I was "fox hunting" however your thoughts were provoking. Like I said I felt guilt on both sides I felt like I was cheating on two people I did not want to get caught no. I did not resent the OW at all. I felt bad cause she always wanted more from me: time, calls, sex, lunches, attention.... which I totally understood and I tried to but we both learned the more I gave the more she wanted it would never be enough unless it was leaving my wife and she was given 100% of me. I tried to put myself in her shoes and understood that is what i would want to if I was the OM and she was the MW.

 

I think MM block things out and don't think about the negative side of things from the OW standpoint. We worry about the negative impact on us if we get caught but don't see the torment for the OW. I did this for the first year everything was as good as it could be in this type of sich. We get the best of both worlds which is not fair but I think that is why we don't end it. This will sound harsh and I'm ashamed of it but after reflecting this is how we act and see things? OW are so good to us they are there for us through thick and thin they love us even though we have a W and Family we love the OW, it is our fantasy to be with them and only them in a committed relationship, but in most cases that will not happen and is easier said than done. (I personally never said I would leave or that my M was anything but good, after the A was started we never did talk about my W or M obviously.) MM are basically living a fantasy the OW life and the life with the W are completely two different worlds and in a sense the MM is two different people.

 

We don't want to lose you as much as you don't want to lose us, I miss my OW so much ending it was so hard for me I ruined a great friendship, one of my best, we both are scar'd from this. If it was just a fling I don't think I would hurt this bad. I usually don't make too much sense I'm still trying to figure it out so sorry for the rambling. I think all MM should look at these OW threads, it would open there eyes it did mine even wider.

[Leaf]

You sound like my MM. The only difference is that the W found out. (we are still together tho.) What scares me is that you say that had everything with both women but for whatever reason stayed in your current situation. Why? Fear?

[fanou22]

StraightNow,

 

Have you ever delved into why you became so attracted to your OW?

Do you think anything was lacking in your marriage? If so what is it?

 

How was your life at home?

What were your feelings toward the OW? Did you fall in love with her?

[ICantStopLovinHim]

Leaf I'm with you on this one. He sounds EXACTLY like my MM. Except his wife didnt find out she still doesnt know and they are still together with a daughter now...I walked away from him then went back and now he is the one who left......no explanation nothing just walked away.....sure wish i knew why...hey straight is that you?

[izzybelle]

i didn't feel like i got much of an explanation from MM#2 except that he had to do it. i pushed.... and what i finally got as reasons .... reflections on his life and catholic guilt .....

 

funny i was thinking about this all on the way to work this morning. even though my connection with MM#2 was emotionally stronger MM#1 showed more concern with how i was doing with everything. they both said "sorry" but i've always felt it was more sincere from the 1st.

 

and it's the distancing that they "have" to do that makes it so hard. to go from what feels like everything to nothing in a heartbeat really feels like someone ripped your heart out, stomped on it for a bit, then handed it back and said "oops". not that i can think of an easy way to end it, i suppose there isn't one but .... still they must realize that just walking away with no explanation is the coward's way out.

[StraightNow]

I just typed this long reply and It never posted??? Must have been to long. So I'll try to answer the questions again. I guess why I strayed was I was drawn to the OW cause she had the qualities I liked sweet nice caring very open... like my W plus I think my situation was that we had kids back ot back to back..House is crazy but fun and maybe Ow was an escape?? I think mainly there is the newness single dating feeling that is a special feeling and stirs things up this passes in a M a little and is relpaced by a deeper more stable love and feeling still exciting but not like that newness. So when it happens with the OW it is exciting and lasts longer because the 100% commitment never happens but the bond and feeling grow too strengthening the unperfect R. Then it turns into this kind of fantasy world it usually never grows into what they're supposed to, a commited relationship or M.

 

Did I love her? I think so. Do I? I think so. Could it have been the newness and passion making me feel it was love? that is what I've been told too. I guess the fact I want her to be 100% happy and the only way that could happen in our situation was without me, I did care enough to end it so she can eventually be happy without me and with someone else, but since I didn't leave my W for her so maybe I didn't. I could go back and forth all day. I believe I love her I always will, is it possible to love two?

 

The sex was a factor equal to the freindship and emotional connection but not the main reason but definately a part of it. I could try to explain more but don't know if it's neccessary.

 

Why I didn't leave my W and Kids because I love them and didn't want too. I love being a dad and didn't want to be a part time dad and have them raised by a step dad or a part time one. If I would have met the OW first I would have probably ended up with her and cheated on her if I met my W after? who knows. The reason I think most MM don't leave the W for OW is that next down the line from being a rapist molester...a cheater is one of the lower things a person can be considered so to leave your W for an OW you would have to come clean and take alot of heat from people vey importatn to you, Family, Friends, W, Kids.... that is something alot of MM don't want to have to go through. Remember we are selfish and weak in the first place.

 

If leaving a W for an OW was as easy as breaking up with a GF for a new one alot of MM would do it then they would leave the OW for another OW and.... I hope that's not me but I've joined a pretty lowly club.

 

When I ended it I explained all of reasons but she didn't beleive me and said it was BS but did admit a little she didn't want to go through this anymore

[KissMyTiara]

I agree with Izzy.

The MM/OW relationship is ridiculously painful for both, and especially so for the OW who winds up with deep feelings for their MM (and how does one NOT "catch" feelings in this situation?). It is SO much more painful and emotionally draining to even think about not having the MM around that it is to deal with the day to day pain and hurt that comes along with an existing MM/OW relationship. But then again, once the OW/MM relationship is over, both OW and MM can finally begin to heal, move on, count their blessings, find someone new, etc., and the hurt fades. But when the A is still going on, when both are still on the roller coaster, there's always still some hope, something pumping up our hearts with life, but then something happens to burst our bubbled up heart...and then it fills up again, and then bursts again - it's the most painful cycle imaginable.

 

StraightNow - I applaud your ability to end it with OW. Despite what others may say and think, after your time of selfishness in this A, your act in ending things with your OW because of your realization of it's painful effect on her was one of the most selfless things you could have done.

 

I wish my MM would end it with me, because I know that right now I just can't...but I so desperately want him to.

[StraightNow]

One thing that I guess throws us off at least through me off is if the OW dates. I had no problem with this I did get jealous but kept it to myself cause I knew I had no say, I hoped she found mr. right but I did wish I could be her Mr. Right, but knew I couldn't. Anyhow I took her going on dates as she was ok with are situation and was just taking the postives of the A while she tried to find a better situation. I knew she had feelings for me but I didn't think it was the dgree it was cause she did go on dates, which delayed my realization of the painful cycle she (we) were going through. It seems pretty stupid of me now but I think MM feel like bieng with you and there wife is more acceptable to them and the OW if they seeing other guys it maybe it feels less guilty about the wife and things or more equal.

 

She just called for something she isn't doing to good it kills me for her to be feeling so bad. I was thinking about reccommending a site like this to her I think it would really help her it has me. What do you think is there any OW forums out there besides this one? She would pick me out easily on here.

[KissMyTiara]

There really aren't many places like LS to share OW stories, unfortunately.

 

It WILL help your OW to be here, for certain. And your posts reflect your concern for her feelings, so even if she picked you out on here, it wouldn't be so bad, now would it?

[MsMree]

Let me just speak for myself - if i knew that my MM whom recently broke-up w/me was post'g on this site - you could forget about me gett'g help here. I would only be interested in what he was post'g - a "gauge" so to speak, of his feel'gs for me and how his M is going.

 

And as much as i have enjoyed StraightNow's posts (i really do!) i'd have to say that my loyalties will always be with the OW who needs help - read'g her xMM posts would not be help'g her at all.

[fanou22]

To each his/her own.

 

For me knowing that he loves me help me move on easier than knowing that it was a casual relationship between us.

 

Maybe because then I know he feels the same pain that I do for not being together.

 

StraightNow,

 

I wonder about some things. Does the MM think about the OW when he is with his W and kids?

For the MM, how does it feel to have sex with the W after being with the OW? I don't mean the same day.

 

My MM says that his W is not sexual at all and he does not do anything (if you know what I mean) with her unless she is the one making advances. Was that the case with you?

 

Did you lay next to your wife at night wishing you were in the same bed as the OW?

[StraightNow]

Seems like I've been on here all day, stuck in a boring hotel room in cold a$$ Northeast I can't wait to get home. This helps me and helps pass the time I hope your not getting sick of me on and on yet.

 

Well my OW would not be not be able to use this site anyway since she does not work in an office and does not have a computer at home. I wish she was able to talk to you people maybe she is getting support elswhere I hope so.

 

22 I do think about OW alot it is hard at home with 4 kids running around 1 older and 3 young ones in a row I can hardly think for myself and it is rare that we ever have the bed to ourselves. But I did fantasize of what life would be like with the OW, but that is it I could only fantasize. It is hard to know if it could have worked living together, that is a major step and one thing I haven't mentioned cause I didn't want people to automatically assume "ahh that is why he strayed" cause it is not but we have different cultures? I'm white she isn't but that is not the reason for the A. But I think we could have easily that has never been a factor for us positive or negative we are just two people who had an unbeivable connection under terrible circumstances. Inever thought about W while having sex with or OW or OW while sex with W. I did feel a tad guilty some more some less after sex with each. I felt like a double cheater.

 

Sex was healthy with both. Does this get easier for both of us its been awhile but the feelings and hurt are still there for both of us. I've tried all the tricks try to look at her as the bad one me as the bad one the A as crappy and no good... It can't change my feelings that she is good we were good together and the situation is what was wrong. We've slipped once in the beginning of the end I don't want to slip again. I've been alright but being in this depressing room is hard to not stop thinking about OW and hearing her voice today.

[fanou22]

3 kids in a row is definitely a sign of a healthy sexual life at home.

 

I don't think the fact the 2 of you have different backgrounds has any impact on the relationship.

I am trying to validate the answers that MM gives whenever I ask through you.

 

I always stood behind my belief that when a man strays there is something dysfunctional in his marriage.

If you look deep down into everything. Do you think there might be something dysfunctional in your marriage?

 

I understand that it is stressful with children. But of the same token, isn't it right to say that if all was well you wouldn't have had the affair?

 

Do they know each other? I mean your W and OW?

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by fanou22

3 kids in a row is definitely a sign of a healthy sexual life at home.

 

Or just really, really fertile people. It only takes one time, didn't your momma ever tell you that?!

[startingover1028]

StraightNow..... As I have been the OW...I'm curious, ... If your marriage was/is so good... what caused you to begin and then continue this relationship with the OW, in the first place? Was it just the feeling of newness and excitement?

 

How long did your relationship last? Was it always sexual? How long has it been since you broke things off with her? Did the newness and excitement fade for you at some point?

 

You say that you still think of her.... Do you ever see a time when you won't? OR do you see yourself giving in to the temptation and seeing her again? Would you want to start up with her again?

 

Why do you think you can't/don't want to maintain both relationships? Is it guilt?

 

Did you not think about the consequences in the beginning or was that something that was always on your mind and you just had to work it thru?

 

Would you like to remain friends with her? Do you think you could do that?

 

I'm just curious...