whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 so even if she picked you out on here, it wouldn't be so bad, now would it? Her coming here and picking him out of the thread would only do damage to her...It's only going to cause MORE pain for her knowing he still has feelings for her but could not have a relationship because he chose to stay with the woman he loves. Why even bother going there? I mean, it is just going to cause more heartache and honestly NO CONTACT is best for them both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StraightNow Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 I'm in a dilemma I just recalled my OW got an old notebook for Xmas. I know that if she comes across this site (chances are slim, but it is the only one that comes up if you search for this type of stuff) I'm a sitting duck, I know its not the end of the world but I've done everything but put my first and last name on here, I think she would benefit from this site but I think my posts being on here for her to see would not be the best of things a dose of reality maybe but just more muddying the waters. I'm over reacting I don't even know if she has an Internet subscription but she does have email account she checks at the coffee shop. I just think I should stop posting here and let this thread die? This is a forum for OW not MM, she needs it more than I do. I really hope she would utilize this forum but not while I'm on here. Is there anyway they can delete this thread or my posts? I've really enjoyed being on here and learning alot from you in such a short time, I wish it could continue, it made me feel better that at least I could answer some questions for you too. Any suggestions? Why it started is kind of unexplainable it felt like we were meant to be together nothing was going to stop it I tried, we both (i think) knew it was wrong. We met through where I work she is a trainer and works at the facility in our building and did some special programs for our office. We were good friends for a couple months fought the desires ( the newness and excitement where huge but there was a special connection same as when I met my wife) then I screwed up and went out for a couple drinks then drove her home, the problem was I went in. The A went on for just under 2 years and ended I'm not sure how long ago it seems like it's been forever. The reason I could not do both I was ruining her life and potentially mine and my families. These things are powerful passionate painful and destructive. Ow was changing from a sweet soul upbeat happy and confident, to sad crying and miserable it killed me that I was the cause for this I only wanted to be a positive in her life but I was anything but that the A was killing her self esteem. I was and am always attracted to her and have feelings for her I just can't explain how hard it is to hurt someone you care so much for and also possibly hurting my W too. It could easily still be going on the we were really great together. The only way it could be 100% great for her was to have 100% of me and I wasn't able too and just part of me was nothing but destructive for her. I don't think she saw it that way but I could see it. She was changing. She deserves to feel as fantastic as she is and to have someone that can give her everything she deserves. I wish it could have been me and that is the pain I have to live with that it can't be me. Little compared to what she had to go through. Well Gotta Catch A Flight and get back to some warm weather thank God. I guess this is goodbye for good? Thanks for your help and support I'm glad I was able to answer some of your questions, I wish I could continue here it has been so beneficial. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I'm sorry.. but this thread p*sses me off. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Her coming here and picking him out of the thread would only do damage to her...It's only going to cause MORE pain for her knowing he still has feelings for her but could not have a relationship because he chose to stay with the woman he loves. Why even bother going there? I mean, it is just going to cause more heartache and honestly NO CONTACT is best for them both. I completely disagree. I would rather know that my MM really truly cared for me but had to do what was best for his family and children than to think I was tossed aside like used garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 i agree with KMT. as much as it may hurt to know that he still cares, if i were to come on here and see my exMM express the emotion, the sadness, and the regret expressed here by Straight, it would bring tears to my eyes but at least i could know that he really did care. that i wasn't just part of some random act then tossed aside. Straight, i don't know if you're still around... i commend you for considering your OWs feelings and wanting to give her a place to come for support but at the same time, you deserve it too. perhaps what you did was selfish but if this is helping you to not ever put yourself, and others, in the same situ then i say, don't leave. my MM may have said some of the same things to me that you've expressed here, but having them said to you (and questioning their truth) and seeing them posted here and knowing that there's nothing to be gained from lying would melt my heart and perhaps make it easier to heal. may not make much sense but the human heart is complicated and what seems logical isn't what always works best. Link to post Share on other sites
Punkin Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Hi, I'm a first time poster/ former OW. I actually married my MM (he got a divorce, of course). Everything seems fine, I'll keep you updated. You know, I'm not so naive that I think that this guy would never cheat on me, even though he cheated on his (ex)wife with me, but you never have any guarantees about ANY man cheating on you- at least I know all his tricks. I enjoyed my time with him as his OW, I never wanted to end it, and I never pressured him to leave XW, never even brought it up. I was with him for about 3 months before he told me that he told W that he wasn't happy and wanted to end it, and it took about another 3 months before she was actually out of the house. Any longer than 9 months, and you should wonder if your MM was sincere or just stringing you along. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Punkin i disagree with your "Any longer than 9 months, and you should wonder if your MM was sincere or just stringing you along" statistically its 1 year and secondly its not alway black or white ,not to offend you but a few months as the ow makes you the expert, come on get over yourself . there are actually men who stay for kids until they cant take it no more then leave ,your guy may be selfish and wanted to be with his new piece of @ss ,don't judge everyone else by your situation, you don't know &where'd you come up with 9 months? Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Lynn - Where'd you come up with your own 1-year statistic? Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 cosmo & another woman's magazine both had same statistic sounds better then 9 months i mean she just basing on her &i know (lol)from my experience every situation is different , that men &woman stick around sometimes for kids,cause there comfortable &scared of a new situation ,and personally even though i wish mine left ,her mm left pretty quick. there's more to that situation,maybe no kids involved its not always one way. i don't agree with the year i was just stating a statistic I've read more then once,she pulled a number out of her @ss, just my personal thoughts not meant to offend anyone!! Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 Originally posted by lynnered Punkin i disagree with your "Any longer than 9 months, and you should wonder if your MM was sincere or just stringing you along" statistically its 1 year and secondly its not alway black or white ,not to offend you but a few months as the ow makes you the expert, come on get over yourself . there are actually men who stay for kids until they cant take it no more then leave ,your guy may be selfish and wanted to be with his new piece of @ss ,don't judge everyone else by your situation, you don't know &where'd you come up with 9 months? If a man wants to be with a woman, there is nothing in this world that will stop him....not even his kids! Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 Originally posted by nextel If a man wants to be with a woman, there is nothing in this world that will stop him....not even his kids! first of all not every man is like you &are you saying a man should put his kids before a woman he's only known say 3 months ? i doubt you put allot of thought into your response because 1st of all i was responding to her putting a time frame out of her @ss,i gave a statistic that i read somewhere &i gave some reasons some men don't leave right away everything is not BLACK OR WHITE,people have different reasons that above is your feeling about what whoever said, i gave mine nobody's right nobody's wrong just different beliefs . good luck what makes you s***,might not make me s*** Link to post Share on other sites
Punkin Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 I didn't mean to get anybody offended here, there actually no hard lines of when is it appropriate time frame for a man to leave his wife for the OW. I only meant that there would eventually come a time when you should 'wonder' if you are being strung along- not that it is actually happening. If a man wants to be with his OW or not, eventually he's going to have to s**t or get off the pot. For me it happened relatively quickly and perhaps I was just lucky. I could speculate on and on all day why and how it happened, of course I like to think that we as a couple are more compatible and have more in common than the X and he did and I fulfill his needs better as the role of wife than the role of OW. All situations are different. Also, yes I have 2 beautiful stepchildren (I had none previous) 2 boys who we share custody jointly. My first husband was also a MM (give you any insight?). He was separated at the time, but we also pursued our relationship together relatively quickly. 6 months or so? He had no children. But very importantly, when I was younger, I dated a MM for a couple of years. He always said that he wanted to leave his W for me, blah, blah, blah. He was a real smooth talker and I did not realize for several years later after I moved away what an @ss he was. He is still with W (15 years ago this happened), they have 2 more children than they had when I was with him, and he's still playing his mind games on other OW. This is the one to watch out for- he's in it for himself, doesn't care about W OR OW. Unfortunately, we can't control what our man does and it causes a lot of frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 For the record... My MM would not hurt his children (again) because he is in love - if i end it w/him he realizes that HE is the one that has to suffer, not his children. Knowing this, I can either stay, or not. HOWEVER... i do know that i am the love of his life but we met entirely too late. Another thing that has been bothering me... i really do not like all the MM bashing - no, they don't always string-along, lie to the OW, etc. There are alot of postings on this site from OW who are sleep'g w/male-whores. That is a shame but it is not the "norm" here. We are all different, in different situations, some good, some not so good, some bad, some awful - i will end w/this-- Most of the women on here are superior in intelligence, wit, strength - you get the picture, so pls. do not categorize any of us. "IF IT DOESN'T APPLY, LET IT FLY" Smooches. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 "statistically its 1 year"QUOTE damn if only i had hung in for another 2 weeks Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted February 13, 2005 Share Posted February 13, 2005 im sorry if i got angry its just every situation is not the same !! my xmm (was with 4years)i know eventually he will leave he's not happy never was i knew him as a friend before marriage,he was with her 5years she got preg &he felt he couldn't leave her,then she pressured him into marriage she's 5 yrs older then him ,verbally abusive &i know for a fact he's not feeding me bull because ,I've spoken to his father various times i know how his situation is ,his father even told me he hopes he leaves . i ended it with him yes but he says he is leaving one day he just considers this a break, i plan for the worst ,hope for the best .just living for me right now. and i broke up with him cause of the situation &i felt if was still meeting his needs hell never get it together to leave+had the A since shortly after marriage . anyway sorry to ramble but it just pisses me off when people think its one way or another no 2 situations are 100%the same . Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by StraightNow call me a schmuck, thats what I feel like. Your not a schmuck, your human , just like the rest of us. I am an OW.... Ya, I"d like to end it, but it hurts to be alone again. I like the little bit of love I get from him. But it's self inflicted pain, so you can't blame anyone but yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyRLD Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I agree with Nextel only because I have male friends who cheated on their wives. I learned from them and asked them questions. It's better to ask questions from the sources rather than come up with your own opinion. So I did. I wanted to learn about how men think. Believe or not, it is black and white with them. Either they want to be with you or they don't. I even asked my MM questions. They all replied roughly the same. Kids or No kids, if they wanted to be with the OW they would be without a doubt. If he leaves his W, he's not putting his OW before the kids. He's just changing his situation so that he can be happy too. He has a life too it's not all about the kids or the W or the OW. What about him? The reason the MM stays in his M is because he does love his W enough not to leave her and he genuinely happy with his life the way it is. An MM wouldn't stay in a M just for the kids if he wanted to be with someone else. I mean genuinely. Not the lying bullcrap he tells you. He would be with you in a heartbeat. One of my friends actually left his W for his OW. He still loved his son very much and saw his son. The OW didn't want him in that way though. So she dumped him. He went back to the W after that. Some men just can't be alone. Sad :0( The thing is he left and he had 20 years invested in his M and his W and he had a 10 year old son. So Nextel is only thinking the way a Man would. Listen to a Man if you are asking about a Man because a man knows how a man thinks. We women only know how other women think. Get answers from the source and listen with your head not your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by MsMree For the record... My MM would not hurt his children (again) because he is in love - if i end it w/him he realizes that HE is the one that has to suffer, not his children. Knowing this, I can either stay, or not. HOWEVER... i do know that i am the love of his life but we met entirely too late. Another thing that has been bothering me... i really do not like all the MM bashing - no, they don't always string-along, lie to the OW, etc. There are alot of postings on this site from OW who are sleep'g w/male-whores. That is a shame but it is not the "norm" here. We are all different, in different situations, some good, some not so good, some bad, some awful - i will end w/this-- Most of the women on here are superior in intelligence, wit, strength - you get the picture, so pls. do not categorize any of us. "IF IT DOESN'T APPLY, LET IT FLY" Smooches. Love your post MsMree. I totally agree. The women around here are definitely superior in intelligence. I have gained sooo much from so many of these women's posts. There are many great topics and discussions and i like that we don't always agree. The MM situation is a very complex thing and there is NEVER just one answer that suits all. If there was, we wouldn't be so confused by everything. "If it doesn't apply, let it fly." --- words of wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyRLD Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 "Actions speak louder than words" If he ain't :0) acting like he wants to be with you. By doing what it takes. Then he doesn't want to be with you. No matter what comes out of his lying mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 27, 2005 Share Posted February 27, 2005 on the other hand he already is with the ow.....and the wife Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 27, 2005 Share Posted February 27, 2005 does anyone else think the oroginal poster was full of s***? he said he wouldn't tell his ow what his feelings were because he didnt want to muddy the waters, and he had to stop posting on here just in case she ever saw it, i think he is s***ting it that she might tell on him and have evidence if she ever found this Link to post Share on other sites
Author StraightNow Posted February 28, 2005 Author Share Posted February 28, 2005 Originally posted by newby does anyone else think the oroginal poster was full of s***? he said he wouldn't tell his ow what his feelings were because he didnt want to muddy the waters, and he had to stop posting on here just in case she ever saw it, i think he is s***ting it that she might tell on him and have evidence if she ever found this Actually I don't think I am fos and haven't s***ted my self for 30+ years. Do I want my W and kids to find out I had an A? NOPE. But if my OW wanted to tell my W she has plenty of other evidence than this. I don't think she wants to or would, it isn't her nature. I honestly just wanted this thread to go away, because I didn't know if it would be good or bad for her to see it. Some of you said it would be ok others said not. I figured that her seeing the parts about my love for my W and kids would be hurtful regardless for her seeing my feelings for her. We've talked alot about things since then and both know its the best for both of us to end it. She is happier than she's been in a longtime and actively dating. We are hoping we can continue a friendship, and know that may be tough to do. Sorry to post again, but I just thought I needed to reply. Not only was I nervous about the OW seeing my posts, some people obviously didn't like this thread and I felt like I was intruding in a forum in which I didn't belong. I enjoy reading everyone's comments in this forum everyone is very intelligent with their comments and it helps a MM see the OW's side of things. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 No worries, StraightNow. I don't think anyone has the right to pounce on you and in fact it is refreshing to read about the "other side". Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 i totally apologise straight now, i guess i am going through an angry and bitter stage and colouring every mm with the same brush, i wanted a friendship with my mm, obviously he doesnt know me like you know your ow and he doesnt trust me, it hurts, i wanted something positive to come out of it Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 may i suggest something straight now? why not let this thread slide away, but keep posting, answer on some of the other threads as it would be very beneficial for us girls to have your input obviously, as my last bitter post showed, we sometimes get things wrong, we are sometimes coming from a paranoid, vunerable place and sometimes we encourage each other with this, it might put things into better perspective Link to post Share on other sites
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