Audrey Melody Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) I was recently seeing a man, who initially was doing all the right things. He seemed to make a great deal of the fact that one of his "perks" at his job was the corporate expense account. This took place over a two month span. He presented himself as a divorced man, with three teenaged daughters at home with their mother. He also swapped off driving the girls to and from school, with his (alleged) "ex" wife. During the time we were seeing each other, he attended two weddings, with his wife and three daughters in tow. One wedding was his oldest daughter, understood. The second was a niece on his "ex"'s side of the family whom he claimed was his favorite niece, despite the divorce. I didn't think much of it at the time. My big alarm bell went off when he seemed to display an irregular attachment to his "ex" wife. He told me that he went to "the house" every Wednesday, made dinner, and then he, the three teenaged girls and the ex wife watched American Idol together. He seemed to visit the girls where they lived and the the ex was always present. Now and then, he wold take them out for a meal, again, the "ex" was present. He sent me an email one evening telling me that his youngest (aged 14), was cutting herself, and he had to spring into action and get medical help for her, and needed to put our "relationship" on hold. By this time, I was suspicious of his marital status (I had not been intimate with him, and I had not been to his home, although I do know where he lives). He told me that he and his "ex" wife had been divorced for two years. A quick check of divorces in Florida revealed that there was never a divorce in this state involving a woman with his wife's name. He eventually wrote to me to update me about his daughter, and how she was improving, and he found good psych help. He sensed a coolness from me. I wrote saying I was pleased to hear about the daughter's improving health, and also said something about how it bothered me that he could not turn to me in times of trouble. I received an extremely apologetic letter from him. I composed a short note later that night and asked him what his exact marital status was and sadly, I was at a place that I was actually questioning it. I also wrote that if he indeed was divorced, I would apologize for the insult immediately. He wrote back a hostile note saying he did not like the fact that I didn't believe his narrative of his life. He knew I was aware of the truth, but was attempting to "turn the tables" on me, as if I had done something underhanded. I am a well mannered peaceful person. I do not raise my voice. I am educated, intelligent, and divorced (four years). I do not find myself pining after him. The problem I seem to have is anger (unusual for me), and if I am being honest, I am wanting to inconvenience him for lying to me. I am surprised by the feeling swimming through my head. I would like to tell him for taking up two months of my life, with his lies and schemes, I feel he should be making 2x the amount and effort making my life convenient. I feel he should pay my bills for the next few months, in an effort to right a wrong. I do not know where this anger is coming from, within me. He does not know I know where his wife and three daughters reside (and I am sure he is there too). I am not interested in harming the wife or the girls. As I see it, I've nothing go loose, and I entered this "relationship" with a good intentions. He is the deviant, and I often wonder how I would be able to approach him and tell him that I want my life made a little easier because of what was done to me. I have pictures of various dates with him, and well over 1000 emails. I am 53, he is 60. We're both active and young at heart. Generally, when I have a misstep, I move right along and get back n course.What should I do? I really have this feeling he needs to cover my expenses for the next couple of months, since he was the one who feeding me lies. I also am questioning the expense account, as I was by no means a client considering to conduct business with him or anyone in his company. Point of curious interest. His wife looks quite a bit like me, and his youngest daughter looks quite a bit like my daughter, an only child. Thank you for your time. Edited May 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs, move to OM/OW
Scorpio Chick Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Audrey, blackmail is illegal. While I understand your anger at him, it doesn't make any sense that your outrage should be funded for two months. If you blackmail him, he could have proof of whatever or however you're planning on telling him that you have emails, and pictures. In other words, he might be able to offer proof to authorities that you are blackmailing him. I understand your anger, but you will forever be known as the worst one in this scenario, rather than him for being a liar and cheater. I'd say, tell his wife. Just directly somehow, tell her. Send her a certified letter only she has to sign for and let her know you have proof. But don't think for a second that you could easily get away with blackmailing someone. 6
KaliLove Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for not continuing with this man once you figured out that he was still married. SO many people on here use the excuse that they were already involved by the time they found out their affair partners were married and that's why they continued seeing them. Second, I agree with Scorpio Chick completely. No blackmail. Send a certified letter disclosing the relationship with any evidence you have (but be kind..there's no need to get graphic). She has a right to know. As soon as you've done that, step away and let go. 5
whatatangledweb Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Luckily you found out pretty quickly that he lied to you. Blackmail is a second degree felony in florida. Don't do that. Tell his wife if you feel she needs to know. Unfortunately it will not undo the hurt you feel. 2
bentleychic Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 What should I do? I really have this feeling he needs to cover my expenses for the next couple of months, since he was the one who feeding me lies. You can't be serious. He was a waste of time, if things are as you think they are. I'm sorry if he misled you, but the above? No. Just no. 1
blue963 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I know it doesn't make it any easier, but thank goodness it was only two months! As far as paying for your bills, where does that line of thinking come from? 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I agree that blackmail will just get you into a world of trouble. Be glad it was only two months and there was a distinct line in the sand that you could see to identify that he was married and was just looking for fun on the side. I actually think that is relatively rare - more often it is that the person really is trying to leave but it may take years for them to decide they can't or to change their mind - that's what happened to me. (And by the way, I strongly disagree with the post above that it's an 'excuse' to believe in someone you love who is telling you he is divorcing). To avoid this happening in the future, do what I do and find out for sure that they are actually divorced before dating him.
harrybrown Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 talk to his wife and see if he is still married. He may not be after you talk to his wife. I would stay away from this player. Do the 180, but I agree , do not blackmail him. not a good idea. 1
georgia girl Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 First, I agree with the other poster. What you are discussing is criminal. You may have been duped, but this is a felony. Step away from the edge. Also, realize that partner dishonesty is a fundamental risk in human relationships and that dating is literally designed to be the activity which provides the opportunity to discover dishonesty. Only marriage is a contract for which there can be legal consequences for duping a partner. All else is fair game. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 First, I agree with the other poster. What you are discussing is criminal. You may have been duped, but this is a felony. Step away from the edge. Also, realize that partner dishonesty is a fundamental risk in human relationships and that dating is literally designed to be the activity which provides the opportunity to discover dishonesty. Only marriage is a contract for which there can be legal consequences for duping a partner. All else is fair game. These are great points. I learned the hard way that dating men who are legally separated is no guarantee for divorce. The problem with that is that there are many separated people in the dating pool (and many single people dating them) which is understandable, since in lots of places the process of divorce can take years because of the waiting period. It is unreasonable to think that people who are truly divorcing will wait years to date, just for it to be final. But because of what I went through, I will NOT date separated men any longer. The first time it was 'shame on him' - the second time it would be 'shame on me'. The situation with lying men who are married is different, but it's still something to be very wary of. I dated a man who lied about his marital status a year or two ago, but we only went out a couple of times before I encountered him with his wife in a store. So it takes a lot of investigation during the dating period to weed out people who lie or who can hurt you down the road. There are no guarantees though, and as GG said, there is nothing you can do about someone who has lied to you and hurt you during the dating period. You just have to learn from it and move on, and guard yourself next time. Good luck to you 1
travelbug1996 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Pay your bills? Really? He doesn't owe you anything. Unfortunately, it is not against the law to lie to someone about your marital. The person being lying to has a responsibility to protect their heart until the coast is clear. I would delete and block him and move onwards and upwards. Good luck
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