Relationship and Career Conflict

[jwi71]

I have today off because of a long Memorial Day weekend, so I came up to her house last night. We went around and around all night without getting anywhere. Her objections to me taking the job and commuting are these:

 

1) As an involved teacher, she feels my time working that far away, going to meetings, games, activities and community events will be tantamount to leading a double life.

 

2) She doesn't want to raise a family with someone who spends 10-15 hours per week in the car, in addition to the work I would be bringing home with me.

 

3) She thinks the money spent on gas as well as maintaining the additional wear and tear on my car would be better spent somewhere else.

 

4) There's no equidistant location we could locate that would be acceptable to her. She said a 20 minute commute would be the max she would ever want to do.

 

5) I'm altering the plan we've been working towards of me finding a job up here.

 

Regardless of the job market and my additional experience and marketability from taking this job, she thinks I should take a leap of faith and put all of my eggs in one basket up here with her.

 

This is a hurdle I didn't see coming just a couple weeks ago, and it's a conflict I'm not sure we can resolve. I've had parents of students who work in the building come to me saying how glad they are that I'm taking over for the rest of the year, and I really feel like I can do good things. But It also hurts knowing that I may have to choose between that and the woman who I love and was planning a future with.

 

I absolutely hate being in this position.

 

I must agree with others.

If the bullets are true - meaning it is how you will "be" and her reactions - then she is NOT the right woman for you.

No one here is right or wrong - just incompatible.

 

I would end this R sooner rather than later - as another said - the honeymoon is over and the real her is percolating to the top - and it seems to be self centered, unwilling to compromise and controlling.

 

She might be great for another man - but just not you.

[BlueIris]

She’s being inflexible, but what is worse, in my opinion, is that she’ not respecting your own personal needs for challenge and fulfillment.

 

Is money/income a factor here? I’ve been in a similar situation when my fiancé made far more money than I did, which ironically led to the assumption that my career and income was considered less important and not as highly prioritized, thereby making it less possible for me to earn and reach parity. The times are changing, but it kind of sounds like your GF is thinking old school, that is IF she makes more.

[Els]

I have today off because of a long Memorial Day weekend, so I came up to her house last night. We went around and around all night without getting anywhere. Her objections to me taking the job and commuting are these:

 

1) As an involved teacher, she feels my time working that far away, going to meetings, games, activities and community events will be tantamount to leading a double life.

 

2) She doesn't want to raise a family with someone who spends 10-15 hours per week in the car, in addition to the work I would be bringing home with me.

 

3) She thinks the money spent on gas as well as maintaining the additional wear and tear on my car would be better spent somewhere else.

 

4) There's no equidistant location we could locate that would be acceptable to her. She said a 20 minute commute would be the max she would ever want to do.

 

5) I'm altering the plan we've been working towards of me finding a job up here.

 

Regardless of the job market and my additional experience and marketability from taking this job, she thinks I should take a leap of faith and put all of my eggs in one basket up here with her.

 

This is a hurdle I didn't see coming just a couple weeks ago, and it's a conflict I'm not sure we can resolve. I've had parents of students who work in the building come to me saying how glad they are that I'm taking over for the rest of the year, and I really feel like I can do good things. But It also hurts knowing that I may have to choose between that and the woman who I love and was planning a future with.

 

I absolutely hate being in this position.

 

A 'double life' just because you are commuting to work?!?! What.....

 

I agree with the others - she's being very inflexible. I would advise you even more strongly to take the job in this case. If she really leaves because of this (you still living with her, commuting to work, for your dream job), then she wouldn't be a good person to start a family with IMO.

[Daisy2013]

First, congrats on the potential job! Second, an hour commute is nothing! During the school year, it takes me about 45 minutes from my driveway to my building downtown because of traffic and I am about 20 minutes away. I f she can't compromise on something this simple and important to you, things may be difficult down the road when other compromises are in order.

[Mr. Lucky]

4) There's no equidistant location we could locate that would be acceptable to her. She said a 20 minute commute would be the max she would ever want to do.

This to me is the biggest red flag as it's the fairest compromise. A place in between means a 30 minute commute for both of you, average by most standards. And you start with a place both of you pick as opposed to "her's".

 

Where she lives now is just a house. A location that works for both of you would be a home...

 

Mr. Lucky