Can I trust him about this?

[LetItGo2014]

Hi,

I have been lurking for a while. I finally registered and hope some of you can provide some advices or suggestions.

 

Here is my story. Last year, I met someone on a dating site. We hit off and started seeing each other. In July, I found out he was actually married. I confronted him and then cut off all the contact with him. Then two weeks after I cut him off, I found I was pregnant. I informed him about the pregnancy and that I had decided to keep the baby. I also let him know that it would his choice whether he would like to be a part of the baby’s life.

 

Despite the initial panic, he had been very supportive during my pregnancy - bought stuff for the baby and helped get the nursery ready. He said he wanted to be a part of the baby life. I told him if that is the case, he will need to tell his wife. He said he would once the baby was born. When my water broke at mid night, he was the one rushed over to my condo (even got pulled over by the police because he was driving at 75 mpH in a 45 MPH zone), and sent me to the hospital and was by my side during the delivery. He also signed Voluntary Acknowledgment of paternity so his name could be on my son’s birth certificate.

 

He told me he wanted to divorce his wife long time ago. He have seen a couple attorney, all of them told him it would cost him 100K to 150K to get rid of her. (get rid her is his words. He also called her dead weight). But I know MM will never leave her and I do not see a future with him. I have made it clear because he is married, so he and I are done, but I’d like to be friendly for the sake of my son.

 

Since he would like to be a part of the baby’s life. So we are trying to work out a co-parenting plan including custody /visitation arrangement. In order to work out that, my attorney friend told me he will have to talk to his wife about the baby because we need to have the agreement in writing and enter in court, otherwise the agreement will not be able to get enforced.

 

MM originally said he would come clean and tell his wife and his parents once wife, but he kept pushing off because he is worried she is gonna take him to cleaner and he would lose everything and don’t even have a place to stay. After some back and forth, he promised me he would come clean by this Aug, a year after I informed him my pregnancy. For me I care more about he let his parents know about their grandson.

 

My question is how to I know MM would keep his words and inform his family about the baby. I do not know his parents. He could lie about telling his wife or parents about the baby. I just don’t trust him at this point Any suggestions on how to make sure he does follow through and tell his wife and his parents about the baby?

 

Thanks much in advance.

Edited May 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hope Shimmers]

Yes - YOU should tell his wife. Then she will for sure know.

 

I was in the same situation as you, except my ex-MM didn't want anything to do with my daughter and also that she was born prematurely and died shortly after birth.

 

Men are just cowards.

[SoleMate]

I would give up on any plan to try to control or even influence the MM's behavior. It seems futile.

 

I'd just focus on:

 

1) Your baby (includes getting court-ordered child support as that is your unborn child's right)

2) Yourself

[A.Moscote]

Give him a reasonable deadline, or better make him decide it himself and tell you when it is. Then just pretend (though you can always be genuine) that after the time has pass you will contact his wife, and his parents as well, purely for the sake of your baby, and to let them be aware of the child support and co-parenting. Maybe an apology too, to add a bit of sincerity (again, you can be genuine).

 

Make him believe you will really do so, maybe that is the push that he needs. After all, as HS said, we are all just cowards, and full of self-serving bias, when it comes to (not) confessing our wrongdoings.

 

This is an important issue, hope you will settle this eventually. However please don't let it drain yourself, just take things calmly and focus the most on the two of you instead. At the same time, please be careful not to fall back into his arms and charms. He is married person at the very least, and a lying one at that.

 

Be strong and calm ok. Still, congrats for you, please cherish and enjoy living with your little one.

[SunshineToday]

You have a child by a man who is married to another woman.

He is dispicible to allow his wife to be so betrayed.

I would forget the man and focus on your baby.

 

I would also be fearful of his wife finding out, him turning tail, and those 2 not splitting up and coming after you for custody or shared custody.

 

What a terrible situation.

[LetItGo2014]

Thanks for the suggestion everyone.

 

So I talked to him again today. He said he will come clean by Aug 3, the final deadline I gave him. He will tell his wife and his parents. Let them to decide what they want to do about the baby. I really hope my son can have a relationship with their grand parents, especially because my parents will go back to their home country in sept ( They came here in April to help me to take care of the baby).

 

the thing is I don't trust this man anymore. How do I know he will come clean by Aug 3. He could lie about telling his parents/wife about me and baby. Are there anyway I can find out the truth?

[BeingMe]

You don't know that you can trust him.

 

 

I think you need to tell the wife. She needs to know and I don't think you can rely on him telling. It's more likely he'll put you off again. I mean,Aug 3 is a long way away. He could just tell her today, but he CHOOSES not to.

[beach]

Thanks for the suggestion everyone.

 

So I talked to him again today. He said he will come clean by Aug 3, the final deadline I gave him. He will tell his wife and his parents. Let them to decide what they want to do about the baby. I really hope my son can have a relationship with their grand parents, especially because my parents will go back to their home country in sept ( They came here in April to help me to take care of the baby).

 

the thing is I don't trust this man anymore. How do I know he will come clean by Aug 3. He could lie about telling his parents/wife about me and baby. Are there anyway I can find out the truth?

 

He's not going to come clean. Why does he get several months longer?

 

Know he's not gonna tell. Make sure you have a court order that has him pay support money.

 

It may be better off if he doesn't tell and doesn't have visitation - his wife could be angry and harm the child while you're unaware and not present. The grandparents may also request visits - which means coordinating lots of time for the child to be away from you.

 

If he won't pay - cut off all rights of his rights to the child.

 

He's not kept his word = he's not likely to get honest now.

 

IF you plan to give a deadline it should be today! Give him 24 hours to be honest. When he tells you must be present in person to be sure he tells her - otherwise remember, he lies.

[notserene]

You have a child by a man who is married to another woman.

He is dispicible to allow his wife to be so betrayed.

I would forget the man and focus on your baby.

 

I would also be fearful of his wife finding out, him turning tail, and those 2 not splitting up and coming after you for custody or shared custody.

 

What a terrible situation.

 

If you file for child support it's going to be pretty hard for him to hide this secret from his wife...court papers will be served on him, his wages will eventually be garnished, etc.

 

She might leave him (I would...I couldn't deal with the drama) or she might not.

 

Affairs have unpredictable consequences.

[C00kie]

Thanks for the suggestion everyone.

 

So I talked to him again today. He said he will come clean by Aug 3, the final deadline I gave him. He will tell his wife and his parents. Let them to decide what they want to do about the baby. I really hope my son can have a relationship with their grand parents, especially because my parents will go back to their home country in sept ( They came here in April to help me to take care of the baby).

 

the thing is I don't trust this man anymore. How do I know he will come clean by Aug 3. He could lie about telling his parents/wife about me and baby. Are there anyway I can find out the truth?

 

If he says he's gonna wait for the last day of your deadline, he most likely won't tell. He's lying and will avoid it for as long as he can. If he wanted to come clean, he would. It wouldn't take him so long.

 

I think your main focus should be your son and yourself only. Make this about you. Your real needs and what's best for your son.

[SoleMate]

You can't control this MM. He is a liar and is lying to you. If he had any intention of revealing his affair and your pregnancy to anyone, he would have done it already. He's just playing for time.

 

I'd really, really recommend giving up on him. Just file for child support and write this one off. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable, stop trying to influence him, it's so futile and will just leave you frustrated.

[KaliLove]

What's with the arbitrary deadline? Why can't he just tell now?

[fellini]

Thanks for the suggestion everyone.

 

So I talked to him again today. He said he will come clean by Aug 3, the final deadline I gave him. He will tell his wife and his parents. Let them to decide what they want to do about the baby. I really hope my son can have a relationship with their grand parents, especially because my parents will go back to their home country in sept ( They came here in April to help me to take care of the baby).

 

the thing is I don't trust this man anymore. How do I know he will come clean by Aug 3. He could lie about telling his parents/wife about me and baby. Are there anyway I can find out the truth?

 

What a minute. One piece at a time... "He said he will come clean by Aug 3" How did HE arrive at that deadline, or more importantly, in your discussion about the need to come clean did YOU GIVE HIM THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE ACCEPTING THAT DEADLINE?

 

In spite of all the issues, and people telling you he is a lying POS and to call his wife, you have a child with whom you CLEARLY are saying you want to have a relationship with his grandparents and possible, the father.

 

So if you have a conversation with another person, and you BOTH arrive at an agreement to do something on such and such a date, then WTH are you doing thinking of BLINDSIDING him by going to his wife tomorrow?

 

Look, if after some thinking you no longer like the AUG 3 date (none of us here know why that date was chosen) then to me your FIRST MOVE would be to get him back into a F2F conversation and tell him that you aren't happy with that date. Change it. But can you really say you are behaving fairly IF you have ACCEPTED his terms, and now want to do whatever whim you have and break your agreements with him? It's one thing if he doesn't keep if word, but if you are going to do the same?

 

If you wait until August 3, and he doesnt do what he has to do, you have a leg to stand on.

But if YOU break the agreement, how can you talk about trust, if it goes both ways?

 

Talk this guy, not just the people here in LS.

Edited May 23, 2014 by fellini

[LetItGo2014]

What a minute. One piece at a time... "He said he will come clean by Aug 3" How did HE arrive at that deadline, or more importantly, in your discussion about the need to come clean did YOU GIVE HIM THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE ACCEPTING THAT DEADLINE?

 

In spite of all the issues, and people telling you he is a lying POS and to call his wife, you have a child with whom you CLEARLY are saying you want to have a relationship with his grandparents and possible, the father.

 

So if you have a conversation with another person, and you BOTH arrive at an agreement to do something on such and such a date, then WTH are you doing thinking of BLINDSIDING him by going to his wife tomorrow?

 

Look, if after some thinking you no longer like the AUG 3 date (none of us here know why that date was chosen) then to me your FIRST MOVE would be to get him back into a F2F conversation and tell him that you aren't happy with that date. Change it. But can you really say you are behaving fairly IF you have ACCEPTED his terms, and now want to do whatever whim you have and break your agreements with him? It's one thing if he doesn't keep if word, but if you are going to do the same?

 

If you wait until August 3, and he doesnt do what he has to do, you have a leg to stand on.

But if YOU break the agreement, how can you talk about trust, if it goes both ways?

 

Talk this guy, not just the people here in LS.

 

I asked him if he was going to hide his son forever. He said no, then I asked when he was going to tell his family and his wife, he said end of year. I told him no, Because my parents are leaving at the end of the Sept and it should happen before that.

I actually gave him the Aug 3 deadline. Here are my reasons, I told him I was pregnant last Aug 3, so it would be a year by this Aug 3 since he was informed about my pregnancy. A year is a long enough for him to come clean

 

I wanted to push earlier, but i know he is in the middle of interviewing for a new job, because he hates his current job which has been one of sources of the stress. so I wanted to be reasonable.

 

We have also agreed that he will present me a plan on june 1 in terms of how he would like to support/raise his son as a father.

 

I met with an attorney today who advise me to file for CS ASAP to protect my son and myself. but on the other hand, I feel like I should give him the last chance like I indicated to him and abide by the two dates. I am torn. It's emotionally and physically draining. I wish someone can tell me what to do.

Edited May 24, 2014 by LetItGo2014

[Scorpio Chick]

Ummm, to answer your question, OP, to find out how you can get him to follow through on HIS WORD to tell his wife, his family, be a good dad, maybe you could ask his DEAD WEIGHT, I mean, HIS WIFE?

 

Did this MM not ask to have a paternity test done?? You had unprotected sex with a married man, OR ANY man, and he isn't asking for a paternity test?? A 'man' (term used very lightly here) like him, that's one of the first things they do! I bet his attorney will urge him to do so.

[LetItGo2014]

Ummm, to answer your question, OP, to find out how you can get him to follow through on HIS WORD to tell his wife, his family, be a good dad, maybe you could ask his DEAD WEIGHT, I mean, HIS WIFE?

 

Did this MM not ask to have a paternity test done?? You had unprotected sex with a married man, OR ANY man, and he isn't asking for a paternity test?? A 'man' (term used very lightly here) like him, that's one of the first things they do! I bet his attorney will urge him to do so.

 

His wife and I actually have a mutual friend who knows everything. She actually has been encouraging me to tell her wife the truth but i feel I should not be the person to deliver the news.

 

I was thinking to reach out to her after he comes clean on Aug 3 - 1) my son is innocent, if they decide to stay together and R, which I believe would be the case, she will be my son step mom and so I want to talk to her and make it clear that I have no intention to be with his husband and that I hope we can be amicable. ; 2) verify if he actually comes clean, but i don't know if that is the right things to do

 

We were dating. I didn't know he was married and he told me I am the only person he was sleeping with. He was the only person I was sleeping with. we always used protection except once and then I got pregnant.

 

Yes, He signed the birth certificate without asking for a paternity test. I did offer to take a paternity test, But he said it was not necessary because he knew it was his and that he knew I am not the type sleeping around.

Edited May 24, 2014 by LetItGo2014

[Holding-On]

His wife and I actually have a mutual friend who knows everything. She actually has been encouraging me to tell her wife the truth but i feel I should not be the person to deliver the news.

 

I was thinking to reach out to her after he comes clean on Aug 3 - 1) my son is innocent, if they decide to stay together and R, which I believe would be the case, she will be my son step mom and so I want to talk to her and make it clear that I have no intention to be with his husband and that I hope we can be amicable. ; 2) verify if he actually comes clean, but i don't know if that is the right things to do

 

We were dating. I didn't know he was married and he told me I am the only person he was sleeping with. He was the only person I was sleeping with. we always used protection except once and then I got pregnant.

 

Yes, He signed the birth certificate without asking for a paternity test. I did offer to take a paternity test, But he said it was not necessary because he knew it was his and that he knew I am not the type sleeping around.

 

I think all your reasons are good ones and that you show class here. As another poster said you are recognizing that you may end up having a lot of people involved (or not). That you want your child to know his (her?) grandparents is admirable. That you recognize that the wife will likely not leave is impressive.

While your parents are here, please focus on being with them. Congratulations on your child however he got here.

To answer your question. No, you cannot trust him. He wilfully and deliberately deceived you from the start completely selfishly.

If he fails to come up with a plan by June 1st (and I truly believe he will try this), then you can give him a drop dead date by which you will start child support proceedings.

 

When the August 3rd date is gone and past you can tell him you are expecting to be introduced to his parents and that failure to do so means that you will, within 24hours (or whatever you decide) contact his wife. I think you are very wise to do this with your parents while you have the support.

 

It is VERY important with this sort of person, who thinks he can get away with appallingly unethical behaviour that you always follow through when you say you will.

My advice is NOT to accept any excuses (such as job or likely some pretend illness of him or his next or whatever) - otherwise he will try to push things out to a further and further date.

 

Good luck to you.

[jwi71]

I asked him if he was going to hide his son forever. He said no, then I asked when he was going to tell his family and his wife, he said end of year. I told him no, Because my parents are leaving at the end of the Sept and it should happen before that.

I actually gave him the Aug 3 deadline. Here are my reasons, I told him I was pregnant last Aug 3, so it would be a year by this Aug 3 since he was informed about my pregnancy. A year is a long enough for him to come clean

 

I found this unintentionally funny. A year is long enough? Nine months - not enough time. Three more - that'll make it reasonable.

 

No.

 

Its weak. I get the impression your are overly concerned about the MM and his - level of "unease". Which I can kinda understand - were it not for the fact your SON should be priority number and you should be DEMANDING - not meekly requesting. Because, he's had nine months to disclose - what on Earth makes you think he will do so between now and Aug 3?

 

Nope. Time to be a mom. Give voice to the your voiceless son.

 

I wanted to push earlier, but i know he is in the middle of interviewing for a new job, because he hates his current job which has been one of sources of the stress. so I wanted to be reasonable.

Proof in the pudding.

 

We have also agreed that he will present me a plan on june 1 in terms of how he would like to support/raise his son as a father.

Um, what?

 

Let me see if I follow you here. He isn't required to disclose to his W and family that he has a son until Aug 3. Yet, he will somehow manage to cough up a parenting plan by June. If I remember my gregorian calendar correctly, June precedes August. So he is planning on making this parenting plan before he tells, you know, anybody.

 

Am I the only one seeing a problem with this?

 

Might his W have something to say about this plan once she knows? Why, I think she will. Ditto for the grandparents.

 

So what you have is FANTASY. A wonderful make-believe parenting plan which won't survive 10 seconds past his wife and family finding out.

 

Its sad really - since your son is real.

 

Whats even more sad - for me anyway - is how your son, just weeks(?) into life - must hide so his father can avoid "looking bad". When does your son come first? Or must he hide in the shadows with his mother?

 

I met with an attorney today who advise me to file for CS ASAP to protect my son and myself. but on the other hand, I feel like I should give him the last chance like I indicated to him and abide by the two dates. I am torn. It's emotionally and physically draining.

You NEED to adhere to your attorney's advice.

Period.

 

Look, MM NO LONGER MATTERS.

Your son DOES.

 

Every fiber of your being, imo, should be fighting to SECURE and IMPROVE his future - and CS is YOUR SON'S right. A right advised to you by a third party legal expert whose sole legal, moral, ethical and fiduciary duty is to SERVE YOU and YOUR SON.

 

That you ignored. Because...well, you know - MM might be uncomfortable or maybe even be mad at me. Or something.

 

I wish someone can tell me what to do.

I can

 

Have lawyer draw up and file all legal paperwork that YOUR SON is entitled to. Then call his W and explain who you are, and that you and your SON, whose father is her H, need to talk to help arrange custody, visitation, CS, college funds, wills and everything under the sun your son is not only owed by law and right - but deserves.

 

Stop protecting the MM and START protecting your son.

[Holding-On]

I'm not the OP but I would not want to have this fight and possible stressful outcomes (such as BS going ballistic or some such) while I'm pregnant or during the first three/four months of my kid's life while I am tired and hormonal and breastfeeding.

So I'd probably have chosen a year also.

Edited May 24, 2014 by Holding-On
verb tense

[EnderA]

I'm not the OP but I would not want to have this fight and possible stressful outcomes (such as BS going ballistic or some such) while I'm pregnant or during the first three/four months of my kid's life while I am tired and hormonal and breastfeeding.

So I'd probably have chosen a year also.

 

The time for self-preservation is over. It's time to be a MOM. And you might as well start by being a Grizzly Bear mom, because the world ain't gonna get easier.

 

As someone above stated, it's now about your son, PERIOD. Eff your MM, he's a POS.

[fellini]

OP is not an innocent victim in any of this.

 

We weren't there to be able to talk about the whole "hidden marriage" thing but we do obviously know some things that are important.

 

OP had unprotected sex with a man she barely knew (i.e. she had never been to his place)

 

OP is a woman who should know something about her cycles and the risks she took having sex and the consequences, because even if he wasn't married, she needed to know what he wanted out of their relationship, and it probably wasn't a kid.

 

MM was not expecting to knock up his AP, but he too took that risk with unprotected sex.

 

MM has been incredibly good about the issue of the child. More than most WS's do, so Im not understanding why everyone here is calling him a POS.

He has some serious sh-t that is about to hit the proverbial fan. This is not just a DDAY disclosure about an A here, the guy is between jobs, has a family on one side of the tracks and another on the other.

 

OP negotiated the dates and agreed to them. Now she is saying she doesn't trust MM? Okay he might be blowing smoke, but if he had no intention to take responsibility of any kind, he had other ways of showing it.

 

OP has to understand that the chances of being with AP or his family are next to nothing. She thinks about the boy having grandparents, but surely this depends on what happens after disclosure.

 

Why anyone thinks OP has behaved beautifully during all this is beyond me. There are serious misjudgements coming from both sides, and in the end the ONLY persons who is innocent in any of this are the BS and the recently born child.

 

It seems to me that OP is putting a lot of investment in what she actually thinks is going to happen on August the 3rd. I think she should be more interested in the piece of paper that guarantees her child's financial security first. This can be done legally without any discussions with BS.

 

Then the issue of disclosure, grandparents, all that can take place because the fact is NONE of that is necessarily going to turn out well for her, in fact I think she should be planning a life apart from this family and be thinking of finding her own family in all of this.

 

Those grandparents can just as easily as the BS turn out to be ultra conservative and horrified and BLAME directly the OP, believing she got pregnant on purpose to trap him and essentially see her as a slut.

 

That's the worst scenario. From there you have only degress of better.

 

If OP thinks this one is going to play out in her best interests I think she needs a wake up call.

 

But none of these points explain, or justify, reneging on her agreements with MM and there is no reason to name call the MM just because he is trying to minimize damage to an existing family. Why not try to put yourselves in the shoes of MM and imagine, TRUTHFULLY how you are going to manage all this with a job change in the works.

 

You all make it seem so cut and dry, but it seems to me the OP has a better handle on things than the posters in LS would.

[beach]

Tell him now. You need him paying support money and that doesn't start without a court order - so get the papers done to submit to the court.

 

If he finds a new job you may not know where he works - where to serve him... So doing it now rather than later is best.

 

Tomorrow never comes and theirs no reason to look to Aug 3 - today is always your best day!

 

He hasn't told by now so you have to go by his past actions for what to expect - he's not likely to tell. It's time for you to do what's right for your baby. Get the papers filed and figure he will have to tell his wife when he gets served papers.

 

What HE does and how HE feels isn't your concern anymore - your concern is YOU and your BABY!

 

Let him figure out things on his end - and don't be surprised when he lies further - after all lying is what he's done so far so expect more of the same.

 

To expect him to get honest now is unreasonable - it's not been his pattern. Giving him months longer to get honest surely won't bring about his honest side. Court papers are necessary for that.

 

Glad you went to an attorney! Now it's time to get a plan of action for YOURSELF and your BABY. I hope you do this now rather than later!

[LetItGo2014]

I will write more later, but wanted to give everyone who replied an update.

 

He's started to see a therapist hoping it can help him to make the right decisions. He had his first session yesterday. I asked if he felt better or worse after the session. He said he felt worse, but think and hope it would get better. He told me he thinks the therapist was reasonable and he thinks the therapist can help him with the situation. I asked why he felt worse after the session, he said " just all things on my plate and how I'm going to make all of it work.

 

He is also going to tell one of his brothers who is closer to him about the whole situation to seek some support. We are planning to go to see a therapist together soon so we can communicate better for the sake of our son moving forward.

 

I still don't trust him and have lots of doubts. but he is taking first steps and he promised me he will have things taken care of. So I am going to give him the benefit of doubts and wait till Aug 3 and go from there.

 

He bought gift to celebrate my son turned two month, and He also took our son out on Saturday. I think he can be a good father.

Edited June 6, 2014 by LetItGo2014

[beach]

Screw his promises. And the gifts.

 

Is he paying child support every month?

 

That's what you need from him. Money each and every month.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Egads. This guy sounds like trouble. How devious he was to date you for so long and not tell you he is married and then you get pregnant, he signs the papers for your child and never tells his wife? This is insane to me.

 

All I can say is if he doesn't take custody of this child you have lucked out big time. You should be running fast as you can to keep him from your life. Do you really want someone like him to be an influence in your child's life?

 

Yuuuck