Can I trust him about this?

[SunshineToday]

What kind of alternate reality are you people living in? The baby is 2 months old. No paternity test. No child support. His wife still had no idea her husband has a 2 month old and is leaving her on august 2 or 3??

 

This is such a bad deal for everyone involved.

 

But I doubt this MM is ever leaving his wife.

 

What a raw deal this baby is getting.

[Awake]

What a minute. One piece at a time... "He said he will come clean by Aug 3" How did HE arrive at that deadline, or more importantly, in your discussion about the need to come clean did YOU GIVE HIM THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU WERE ACCEPTING THAT DEADLINE?

 

In spite of all the issues, and people telling you he is a lying POS and to call his wife, you have a child with whom you CLEARLY are saying you want to have a relationship with his grandparents and possible, the father.

 

So if you have a conversation with another person, and you BOTH arrive at an agreement to do something on such and such a date, then WTH are you doing thinking of BLINDSIDING him by going to his wife tomorrow?

 

Look, if after some thinking you no longer like the AUG 3 date (none of us here know why that date was chosen) then to me your FIRST MOVE would be to get him back into a F2F conversation and tell him that you aren't happy with that date. Change it. But can you really say you are behaving fairly IF you have ACCEPTED his terms, and now want to do whatever whim you have and break your agreements with him? It's one thing if he doesn't keep if word, but if you are going to do the same?

 

If you wait until August 3, and he doesnt do what he has to do, you have a leg to stand on.

But if YOU break the agreement, how can you talk about trust, if it goes both ways?

 

Talk this guy, not just the people here in LS.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

OP, I don't think that you can trust this guy, if he wanted to tell his wife he would have by now. However, you made this agreement with him, so rather than breaking this agreement with him, you need to talk to him about moving the deadline closer, say next week.

 

If you go behind his back and break the agreed upon deadline (no matter how rediculous it is), it will cause all sorts of drama, and do you really want this with the father of your baby and your baby's grandparents? And then you would be just as much of a liar as he is right now. Do you really want do deal with the aftermath for 18+ years at least, the rest of your life? It's bad enough already, don't make it worse.

[jellybean89]

You said you didn't want a relationship with him, just want to co-parent...so why are you discussing his therapy appt? How does that concern you?

 

He's playing you and I think a part of you knows this.

 

His parents do not have to be involved with your son -- they don't have to meet you nor your child. That's their choice and you can't force yourself on them (or your son on them).

 

File for child support.

 

It's not your situation to resolve with his wife and family. That's on him. Stay out of it. If he thinks he can hide his child with you for 18 years, that's HiS decision. Your responsibility is to your child..to raise him as best you can and your son is legally entitled to child support. The fact that you won't file, cause it might upset MM, shows me that you care more about MM than your son.

 

Are you really hoping the wife kicks him out so you can "get" him, thereby having a nice little family with your child and Mm?

 

If you aren't willing to fight for what your son is legally entitled to you, then I guess you will continue to play these games with MM and deadlines.

[beach]

His W may find out eventually - but I doubt the MM will be the one to offer his truth. He may never tell her what's real.

 

You need support money. Request it through your court system.

 

You can't control him or what he may or may not do.but you can ask the court to award monthly money so you can be sure the child has support.

 

Whether or not he "sees" the child - he still needs to support the child on a regular basis. I doubt he will stay consistent throughout the years - getting support money awarded by the court will allow you to plan for the child's future...whether he plays a consistent role or not.

 

 

And how can you be certain he's seeing a counselor? He may be lying about that too!

Edited June 6, 2014 by beach

[Quiet Storm]

You said you didn't want a relationship with him, just want to co-parent...so why are you discussing his therapy appt? How does that concern you?

 

 

 

My guess is it is his stalling tactic.

 

Most men do not freely admit that they need counseling. They usually only offer up that info when they want to show a woman that they are "trying". Counseling/therapy being used as a manipulation tactic is very common with cheaters and addicts.

 

1) they know counseling is a long process and it will buy them some time

2) it generates sympathy- MM/WS/addict is so confused and weak they need professional help

3) they can make up anything and say "the counselor gave me that advice".

4) it makes it appear that they are taking the cheating/marriage/new baby/addiction seriously

 

I am all for getting counseling and working out your issues, so I will never advise against counseling. I have just seen it used to manipulate many times, and I am always skeptical when people just volunteer that info (especially men, as they are usually too prideful to genuinely admit their issues UNLESS they have an agenda or want sympathy). It makes it seem like its just a show.

[LetItGo2014]

My guess is it is his stalling tactic.

 

Most men do not freely admit that they need counseling. They usually only offer up that info when they want to show a woman that they are "trying". Counseling/therapy being used as a manipulation tactic is very common with cheaters and addicts.

 

1) they know counseling is a long process and it will buy them some time

2) it generates sympathy- MM/WS/addict is so confused and weak they need professional help

3) they can make up anything and say "the counselor gave me that advice".

4) it makes it appear that they are taking the cheating/marriage/new baby/addiction seriously

 

I am all for getting counseling and working out your issues, so I will never advise against counseling. I have just seen it used to manipulate many times, and I am always skeptical when people just volunteer that info (especially men, as they are usually too prideful to genuinely admit their issues UNLESS they have an agenda or want sympathy). It makes it seem like its just a show.

 

I totally agree. But in this case, My attorney friend met with us and and suggested that he go to see a therapist and also suggest we see a therapist together because she thinks the way we communicate is not effective and not good for the baby.

 

I am actually not going back together with him. He and I are done romantically. We are just mom and dad to my son. Even if his wife kicks him out, I am not going back to him. I can't deal with the baggage. Believe it or not I don't want to be with him anymore.

[Raena]

Letitgo, it sounds like you already have an attorney involved right? I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but where I am from you can't ask for child support or custody until after the child is 6 months old. (Have to be living in the same place for at least 6 months before you can file) That's to establish residency or so I was told. The other thing I was told was to go after custody first and then child support, that it looks better on you. If you go the other route.. support first, then custody, it makes you look like a money grubber.

 

If that's the case where you live, then you'll have to wait another 4 months anyway. That looks like September right?

 

I don't know what to say about whether you should tell his wife or not. If I were her, I'd want to know... I'd have wanted to know long before you even had the baby, not a year later. That's just my perspective. I know you want to preserve some semblance of a friendship with him so you can co parent together but that may be very very difficult depending on how she reacts to the situation. I will tell you... bluntly... that I wanted nothing to do with the baby my ex created when he cheated on me. It had nothing to do with her, it was my own issues with it. I couldn't look at that child without thinking about what he had done to me. I wouldn't have reconciled with him at all had he not promised me that she wanted him to have nothing to do with their child. It didn't work out too well. I hope it works out better for you because your child is the innocent one in all of this. He/she needs a father too, not just a mother.

 

In that sense, I can see why you would hesitate and want to do whatever you can to keep him happy. It isn't an easy road. No matter what choices are made, someone is going to get hurt.