Junie408 Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I'm having quite a lot of problems gauging a good male friend of mine. We've been friends for around 7 years and dated for two of them in the past. Following the breakup we were quite distant for a while, but for the past 6 months or so we've been very, very close; and especially so in the past month. We go to college at the same school and even have a class together, and also eat lunch together a few days a week. Recently, he's tried hanging out with me any chance he gets...dinner, hang out, movies, grab coffee...just the two of us, even though he could invite other friends of ours to come along he almost never does. Seeing as he's quite the loner type, I'd think he'd get his fill of me just from school alone, but he always instigates hanging out on the weekends, too. I'm starting to seriously believe he has a thing for me (again); even though I try to convince myself not to jump to conclusions, it's hard to in the face of all this evidence. We share loads in common and never run out of things to talk about. We have quite a good rapport and tease back and forth frequently. We're great friends but I think he may want something more. If so, why hasn't he said anything? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Magus Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Being a bit of a "loner" myself, I think he just wants you to make the first move. Being a bit of a pessimist as well, I think if you make the first move, you better be prepared for the consequences. Some of which be; he'd just like to get his "feet" wet, n see if a "relationship" with you would be worth a second chance; or maybe he's remembering the way the two of you used to be and he wants to feel that again. Either way unless your willing to "get your feet wet", you should remember why you two broke up n decide if a "reunion" would be a good idea. After all, LOVE may be grand, but GOOD sex will cost you $100.00 (did I really say that?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Thanks for the advice, Magus. What do you constitute as a "first move"? Having a talk with him about what's going on? W're not having sex or being physical in any way (with the exception of flirting, etc.) ; just to let you know. I thought what you did at first as well-that he was testing stuff. Back in the Fall semester, he was instigating these sort of things but he only wanted to go to dinner or hang out just the two of us every couple of weeks or so (in addition to seeing him at lunch a few times a week). Now it's literally every two days; so maybe he's decided he wants more? Or maybe he's upped how much time he spends with me to really know what he wants? Our relationship had actually been quite good; the dissolution of it was mostly that isnce we were young and were each others' first loves, we did NOT know how to communicate effectively, and that sort of thing. It led to a lot of misunderstandings on both of our parts, really. I don't regret the time that we've been apart because I grew up a lot on my own and also got to date a couple other people. He hasn't dated any girls since me, but then again he's more of a loner than even I am Whenever other (pretty) girls, friends of friends, are around he barely even looks or talks at them, because his attention is focused solely on me; I was really shocked a few weekends ago when I notcied that. I think I would have to make a move though...in high school he was in love with me for THREE YEARS and never said a word (though again, like now, his actions made him "obvious"). We only got together because once I had feelings for him (yes, three years after we'd been friends I finally developed them) I was incredibly obvious that I did...always calling him, wanting to hang out, making him cookies and stuff, anything to show I liked him; after a few months he got the hint and fessed up to his feelings. Now I'm more reserved...partially out of fear, I guess. I try to reiprocate by flirting back, being very caring and doing nice things for him (helping him clean his apartment when a mutual friend of ours was coming to stay for a weekend) and I accept all his invitiations to hang out despite the fact that I'm a more quiet person who spends her weekends reading and such. He's the same way, but we have a blast being geriatric 20 year olds together, I guess. Anyway, I'm fairly sure I'd be willing to give it a second chance, because we just click so well together and he's a very caring man and I know he'd try as hard as I would to make things work in that situation. Wow, I've talked a lot. Anyway, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Magus Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 It seems like you've already made your decision. You better get ready for valentines day then He'll probably have something real nice ready for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Thanks again Magus...he's not exactly the Valentine's Day type(neither am I), but I'm sure he'll want to do dinner or something. We went to dinner last night, and he spent three hours today talking to/comforting me because I've been quite stressed about school as of late. I'm thinking of doing something nice to show him I appreciate him being there for me...not sure what, though. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Why did you break up with him in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 12, 2005 Author Share Posted February 12, 2005 Actually, he was the one that ended the relationship 2 years ago, after we had gone through rough patches. I was fairly distraught, but considering how little we were communicating (which was causing a lot of problems) I'm not surprised. I would not say I moved on until a good 6 months after the breakup. For a good year we were polite, but didn't talk much. I sought out other interests and other guys. Mostly it's been him that's pulled us closer, though I was wary and resisted it at first. But, once I was around him again all of the time it's hard not to see why I had felt so strongly for him before. I tried to keep it "just friends" for a while, but it seems to have progressed beyond that. Funny how you don't want things to happen but then have to give in after a while.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 So, on Valentine's evening, despite the fact that we ate lunch together and he knows I'm not all that crazy about Valentine's in general, my friend called to go to dinner. So we went, and he insisted on paying. Was a "date" his intention? It was a school night so he just dropped me off afterwards. Kind of confused by it, buit haven't had much time to think about it as I've been pretty busy. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Sounds like a lucky situation to me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by clynn Sounds like a lucky situation to me! Lucky..? Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Yes, you sound like extremely close friends who enjoy each other's company. That is lucky. And it could and might very likely develop into more, or so it sounds. That is lucky! Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 Why dont you just try to kiss him or something. Im a very shy guy. I am horrible at making the first move as i always think its gonna end in misery and horror. But if a girl makes the first move i make every other one after that ;) ;) Or even just ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockula Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 Alright. I'm on the other end of this situation except that we have never went out before. You asked earlier, "why hasn't he said anything." If he is anything like me, shy, he might be afraid that things might end badly and ya'll won't hangout anymore or something. I think romance with friends can be great if the feelings are mutual. But I hear about this infamous "friends zone" and it seems very difficult to get out of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 22, 2005 Author Share Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by SuperFantastico Why dont you just try to kiss him or something. Im a very shy guy. I am horrible at making the first move as i always think its gonna end in misery and horror. But if a girl makes the first move i make every other one after that ;) ;) Or even just ask him. And if I'm shy too...?!? Then what? Heh Tonight for the first time in months I instigated going to dinner. Maybe that will say something. And I don't think I'd ever grow the balls to just kiss someone...not like I physically could, but I can't grow the metaphorical balls, either. Oh, the woes of shy people I guess. Also, there's always the chance that he doesn't feel that way about me. Though, as far as I am aware, males typically don't become this close to a girl unless they want a relationship. The only other male I am very close friends with is gay, and therefore doesn't count as a male friend, per se. The rest of my male friends are significantly more distanced from myself...for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junie408 Posted February 22, 2005 Author Share Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by Rockula Alright. I'm on the other end of this situation except that we have never went out before. You asked earlier, "why hasn't he said anything." If he is anything like me, shy, he might be afraid that things might end badly and ya'll won't hangout anymore or something. I think romance with friends can be great if the feelings are mutual. But I hear about this infamous "friends zone" and it seems very difficult to get out of it? The "friends zone" is definitely an odd one. I'd say men have it worse than women, because women are more apt to use their guy friends. Guy friends stuck in the friends zone typically become "surrogate boyfriends" until more interesting guys come around. To gauge whether ot not a girl wants YOU is very difficult, I think. I know that at the moment I'm probably BEING difficult though I try not to be. I guess the main indicator is if she talks about other guys to you, or is involved with other guys. If she isn't and is not showing interest in anyone else, then your chances may be good...? Though, coming from the rare loner-type girl, does that even say much? There was a while ago when I was not interested in the friend I've been mentioning, earlier in high school. Now, I have too much of an emotional attachment to him for him tobe relegated to that status at any point in time, I guess. Though perhaps he's like a surrogate boyfriend if we see and talk to each other so much. I recently came back from a school-related trip with female aquaintences who all had boyfriends, and my phone was ringing just as much from you-know-who Except, of course, we have far more interesting conversations!! (The fun and trash talk that this guy and i do should probably be illegal) Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Well maybe your convos are so interesting cuz you don't have all the pressure and relationship bull??!@#!??!!! . Being friends first may bode very well for a strong relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
j.carsey Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by Junie408 The "friends zone" is definitely an odd one. I'd say men have it worse than women, because women are more apt to use their guy friends. Guy friends stuck in the friends zone typically become "surrogate boyfriends" until more interesting guys come around. To gauge whether ot not a girl wants YOU is very difficult, I think. Whoa, definitely. I'm a guy who has frequently been stuck in that zone. It doesn't upset me so much as it annoys me, because I feel like she's trying to get all the benefits of a relationship without going the whole way, meaning devotion and some degree of physical/sexual intimacy. Let me tell you, recently I've started to get sick of being used as a pseudo boyfriend. Now when I want to test to see if there is a real mutual attraction I'll come on stronger, initiate physical contact or even go in for a kiss. Sometimes it has worked, other times there has been a polite decline. Never anything too disastrous. Sometimes I'm still too shy to try initiating anything. In my experience, the best moments with respect to clarifying confusion about a friends' relationship is when somebody makes a move. Maybe just a question, or someone trying to kiss the other or make some affectionate body contact. Yes, it can lead to embarassment... OR a very, very pleasant surprise. btw pleasant surprises are awesome Anyway, all I can offer as advice for the ladies is -- don't play games with guys. Personally I really like the idea of developing a closer relationship with someone who is already a good friend. I don't see anything wrong with it. But someone who is dragging along another just as a fill-in while they feel lonely or unloved is doing both themselves and the other a disfavour. If you really have tingly feelings, go with it . If you don't, stop kidding yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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