Shattered by betryal

[ealkid]

I thought I met my soul mate and had been happy however I do have a problem in that I have chracteristics of a womaniser who like to look and titilate only to back out of the situation because of my love for the is person.

 

However recently I cheated and had sex in My House On Our bed and never told my soulmate(sm) only for her to find out....why did i do it...ego ?? lust ??. My sm gave me everything and i shattered her. cant even imagine the pain she is going through...must be churning like hell... best part was she only wanted me to own up. i tot i could mitigate the damage by getting the person i had a one night stand to change her storey. She even agreed to help. So when my sm wanted to meet her, i tot, ok ...thank my lucky stars and find a way to salvage the battered trust....but the lady had a change of heart and felt she needed to tell the entire truth, which ripped through my sm like a living hell.... all that trust, years of being with me, always caring abt me came to a big fat zilch. zero....

 

Betrayal without limitations ...how can she ever find the space in her heart to forgive me. at the moment she thinks im durt...even lower than durt. can i blame her ...er no...even my family that know her are reeling in self believe.

 

i dont know what to do and where to pick up the pieces...the look of dejection and betryal is so difficult to look at ... would not have even have my enemy go through this...as for the men that gave me the advice ...just dont own up ....pls dont even give this advice again...the damage would have been far less serve had i owned up...

 

what do i do now

how do i get her back

dont expect forgiveness but i just need standing space to win back some love / trust..

 

Shes determined to end our 10 year relationship and find find the space to forggive. what should i do...i really need her in my life.

[opaleye]

Obviously you know what a horrible thing it is you have done. I am glad that you know how much you have hurt her.

You probably don't want to hear this but you might have to let her go. It might be better for her to move on than for her to stay with you. You have probably shattered her confidence and trust in others. If she stays with you she may feel like she has lost her self-respect. She may always feel like you are not worth her love. She may feel like she always has to explain why she is still with someone who has hurt and disrespected her so much. She just may never feel the same about you again and therefore cannot be with you.

 

She may never be able to trust you again since you tried to hide it from her and she had to find out from your one night stand. That must have been disgusting for her. She may always be wondering what you have been doing and never quite trusting or believing you.

 

Of course this mightn't be the way it will turn out. Sometimes second chances work out and you can forgive and love again. But sometimes they don't. I know that you say you can't live without her, but if she stays with you she might not be able to live with herself. Which would you rather?

 

 

If she does decide to give you another shot then you will have to prove everyday that you are trustworthy. I don't know if it's possibe for her to forgive you completely. After 10 years she should be able to expect more.

 

So If I were you I would probably leave her alone and let her decide what she wants. But that's just me.

 

Good luck

[ealkid]

Thanks for responding...

 

I just love her so much and really regeret what happened and i know she loves me though i proved her worthless with my actions. I just feel that there is so much to our relationship that letting it go is giving up on so much. when i met her she was directionless and i was there for her during her difficult times. I have never cheated on her or have been envious with her on her success ( which she always says its due to me) but to throw away all the years, and happy memories ......

 

i have'nt slept for days, getting up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and only missing her even more. I just want ONE more chance and i will mend my ways and i really love her. We spend many hours together but now i cant even talk to her as she wont take my calls and on one occasion i did get close to her ...i could feel the betryal, anger and resentment.....

 

I been advised to send flowers etc to her, but knowing her ...all this wont work...my biggest fear is that once she make up her mind to dump me ... i will be history....irrespective off the good we shared.

[opaleye]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you. It's obvious to me that you really love her and really want it all to work out. I believe you when you say that you would never do it again. If you can get her to believe that too then you could have a chance. I don't really think you can do anything to make her change her mind- I think you should let her make her decision and then deal with it either way- by healing yourself if it's over or by healing your relationship if she is willing to give it another chance.

 

I don't know if you should send her flowers or anything like that, it might just seem trite and like you think you can buy your way out of it. Maybe you could write her a letter saying everything you are thinking about and send it to her. At least that way she will have all the information she needs to think about what she wants to do. I hope that she decides to stay with you. I think that you are a good guy who made a mistake and that you would NEVER do that again or give her cause to suspect anything except for love for her.

 

Best of luck.

[ealkid]

to all those guiys that cheated and got away or are doing it and are getting away...u r in a minefield....wished someone had sat me down and told me this ... just imagine all the pain your stupid actions is goona be felt by the one you claim to love. if u truly love u wld not be doing that...

 

three years and im stilling paying the price...the love and respect is gone...infact in desperation i turned to those close to us. saying that she was unreasonable and unforgiving and not helping me and that i went out of my way for her whlist she was indifferent to me ... this ended up being construed as "back stabbing"... im not back stabing her ...i just want her back...god i miss her...never thought our love was not strong enough to overcome anything but i learnt the hard way " hell hail no furry as a scorned woman" .... i dont cheat on her anymore, try to be patient but is really though..so i dont know where i will go from here ....im tired, exghausted and still praying for a miricale but the light seems to be fading...... what do i do and how do i reach her and win back the trust

[Spoonandfork22]

i didnt realize that this was an update to a post that was written in 2005 until I read it a second time....so are you two still dating or are you still trying to mend things? i commend you on being persistant...and you have obviously learned your lesson. Unfortuantely many who do this learn the lesson the hard way and it ends in a situation like you are now in. i know a man who cheated on his gf many times and never got caught, he always had a pride about him because he thought he was 'the man' for being able to bed more than one woman....things caught up with him and the gf found out. dont underestimate or intuition, our gut feelings. as i said above, im glad that you can see now how much pain these actions can cause on a relationship and how selfish and irreversable an action like this is.

 

 

if you and her still arent making headway after this long i cant say that things will ever be the same. it seems you are determined to win her back whatever it takes or live life alone. although comendable, it may do you better to go through the grieving process and move on for your sake and for hers. we all must live with the consequences of our choices, good or bad. at this point you two sound against the odds of making it work. have you two talked about it? what does she say about it? have you talked things through and had GOOD VERBAL communication about your relationship and what YOU are willing to change and fix?

 

i do wish you the best of luck...it sounds like you are more in love with her now than you were then. have you dated anyone else in this time that has passed?

[Amiss]

Your post indicates that you really are sorry if this is still hurting 3 years on but I think it is time to give up. I don't think I could forgive a partner cheating and don't understand why you did it? If she still feels the need to make you pay , the debt will never be repaid so admit defeat and let her find a new start.

[ealkid]

Me yes sadly it is a update over an a stupid mistake ( which she will not accept as) since 2005 ....answer to your questions...

 

Me yes we r still dating but there is a hughe wall betwen us ...and am still trying to mend matters ... which belive me have been near impossibile

 

You ...commend you on being persistant..

 

Me Thanks

 

you ....you have obviously learned your lesson....

 

me i think i have she does not as i try not to discuss it but she thinks im trying to deny it

 

Unfortuantely many who do this learn the lesson the hard way and it ends in a situation like you are now in.. so true

 

You i know a man who cheated on his gf many times and never got caught, he always had a pride about him because he thought he was 'the man' for being able to bed more than one woman....things caught up with him and the gf found out.

 

me - well its really a time bomb ticking ...u get caught nd your are history.

 

you -im glad that you can see now how much pain these actions can cause on a relationship and how selfish and irreversable an action like this is.

 

me- so true, the one night stand has made my life a misery but i wished i could do something to stop her pain....

 

You-if you and her still arent making headway after this long i cant say that things will ever be the same. it seems you are determined to win her back whatever it takes or live life alone. although comendable, it may do you better to go through the grieving process and move on for your sake and for hers. we all must live with the consequences of our choices, good or bad.

 

man ... this woman rocks my world ...just love everything abt her... really hurts over what i have done... trying my best to fix a leaking ship ..it aint easy but its the only one i want to be in...

 

 

You - at this point you two sound against the odds of making it work. have you two talked about it?

 

Me - no she wont talk abt it...its clear nd simple from her - i betrayed her and there no other alternative.- dont know how to make her understand that i am human and its wrong...the biggest stab was me trying to deny and even trying to get the one night stand to say it was not true - it backfired and it was the act of evasion together with denial that killed the spirit

 

what does she say about it? have you talked things through and had GOOD VERBAL communication about your relationship and what YOU are willing to change and fix?

 

i will do anything to fix it... i miss the girl that loved me so very much... i have the feeling that she still does feel for me and am hoping to turn the tide back to love...

 

she wont speak about it without screaming and feels that whatever i say ...should stand only for me and not her ..she wants the time and space to look around and see if she can do better in life ..failing which ..thers always me...

 

not a great poisition to be in but such is life...wasted so much of it..

 

thanks for listening

 

to those cheating..... DONT ...the price is just not worth it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

i do wish you the best of luck...it sounds like you are more in love with her now than you were then. have you dated anyone else in this time that has passed?

[ealkid]

well ...i tot i better add this on....

 

theres nebver been a week where she has not lost her cool or anger to the extent of hitiing me in anger.

 

she wont talk about it ...says he 2 bit and then i have to shut up or all hell breaks loose... its tough but am hanging in there...

 

sometime when shes angry, i tend to irk her a bit to get her really angry so that she may get over it...i rather she get it all out.... but i may have to find a different avenue as her anger is extreme and it takes ages to just get her back on cordial terms... im not allowed to say any loving statement as they are viewed as fraud and dishonest...

 

hell ..i give an arm to get her back.... i could lose an arm but it would make no difference to her ..sometimes i feel that way...but i still hang in

[shanny]

Why are you putting her through this??? Because you love her? You should have thought about that when you cheated. You need to let her go so she can recover. She obviously has not forgiven you yet, and probably never will. You posted this back in Febraury and you're still hanging on? I feel very bad for her. Let her go and find someone that will not do to her what you did. Sorry to sound mean, but cheating is not forgivable.

[twice_shy]

how can she ever find the space in her heart to forgive me.

 

She can't. That is unless there is a part of her heart that is a complete and utter fool.

 

 

what do i do now

how do i get her back

 

Maybe you should let her go. I mean really, she will always remember what you did to her, and even if you got her back and everything seemed ok, you'll never know when you look at her if she isn't seeing "CHEATER" written all over your forehead.

 

Some things are better left alone.

 

 

dont expect forgiveness but i just need standing space to win back some love / trust..

 

I don't think anyone ever completely gives back 100% trust after such a betrayal. And how can you win her back and not ever feel like a complete dog when you are with her. If I had cheated on someone, I wouldn't try to get them back. I'd be so damned ashamed I wouldn't be able to face them.

 

Shes determined to end our 10 year relationship and find find the space to forggive. what should i do...i really need her in my life.

 

If she is determined to end it, then you should respect her wishes. And if you really need her in your life, you have a funny way of showing it by screwing another girl.

[twice_shy]

Sorry to sound mean, but cheating is not forgivable.

 

I know others don't agree with this, but I certainly do.

[ealkid]

many thanks for your response ...even though ..i had hoped for some direction on how to overcome the pain....

 

the cheating was in the past... a one off occasion ...i am not in anyway defending my action. it was wrong and i am paying the price...

 

why am i hanging on.... cause deep down she still loves me ..ok i dont deserve it ... but i am "fortunate" as she could have left.... there are moments of closeness though not physical..... i could tilt it that way but it would bring back painful memories.... so i try not to go that route...which believe me is not easy...

 

she is everything i want in a partner, we have been through tought times and are holding on ....though not easy...

 

i feel she wants to proceed but at a lot slower stage and has on more than a occasion told me that although she has forgiven ...she cannot forget...

 

in short, im looking to advice on how to win back her trust, i try to be an open book and she has checked and found nothing... u cls say its an invasion of privacy but then again i brought it on to my self by being unfaithfull.

 

i just need to help her overcome the pain and be sincere in my feelings to her..

 

i feel at time her outbursts are due to the infliction of the wounds i gave her... its only right i stay and face the music .... i do love her..maybe u may not see the view ...yes i cheated but i am human and weak and ashamed as i have now admit to it openly ...esp when people think im weak and hanging in to a realtionship that has become one sided...

 

i think i would be weaker and irresponsibile if i just turned the other way...and if i truly love her ...i should try despite the self inflicted hardship... dont you agree ???