I found my bf on pof after a year...he said its hackers

[TMichaels]

I want to know the truth and why he was on it. If not then we will end, and i mean it.

 

I'm being serious here... How exactly are you going to know if he's telling the truth? Are you planning on having a polygraphist drop by your house this weekend?

 

Don't you mean to say, "If the story he doles out is good enough, then I'm willing to ignore my gut and turn a blind eye?"

 

Im no mug although most of you think i am, I just love him and want to believe he loves me also.

 

Most important and dangerous word in that sentence sazmac, is bold-faced. Don't be blinded or fooled by what this guy says because you want so desperately to believe he's the guy you wish he was.

 

He can say whatever he wants, but don't be suckered in by just words. It's what a person does (as in his actions -- and I don't mean being nice to you and your son when he visits and paying for things, taking you out to dinner, etc.) -- that reveals who he really is.

 

Unfortunately, he's blown your trust and if you want to get to the bottom of what's going on, you're going to have to continue to check him out -- no matter what he says.

 

Don't believe for a second that he doesn't have more than one identity on the web, on POF, or for that matter, has only been confining his "fishing" to that "pond."

 

Maybe *he wasn't* guilty of all of the above at the time you spotted his POF profile, but you've caught him red-handed and spoiled all his fun. If he's getting off on flirting or having relationships with other women, chances are, he won't stop because you tell him it will be over between you. He's probably been at it quite a while, and many guys like him get such an ego boost from playing games, they believe they are too clever to get caught.

 

So, if he wants to continue to have his cake and eat it too, he'll just have to get more creative by using different handles, listing a different age, town of residence, not using his own photo, using a different email address, etc.

 

To be honest, he was exceptionally stupid in using a handle that was known to you as it wouldn't take much effort to find him on POF or anywhere on the web for that matter. Ditto for using an email address that you are aware of as it takes two minutes to root out where else a person with those "credentials" has been hanging out online.

 

But, like a lot of such guys, he probably thinks that you are so head over heels in love with him that you would never suspect anything or go looking for him on a dating website. It's a form of insurance: "Keep her sweet" and she's none the wiser and not likely to question a thing.

 

I mean, after all... You're three hours away from each other. In his mind, "How in the heck is she going to know what I'm up to? I already do as I please during the week and as long as I show up on the weekends she's happy -- and I'm happy because it's a guaranteed booty call.

 

"She knows few of my friends and family members, and if I keep it that way, she won't be able to 'compare notes' and figure out what I do and who I do it with. She's believed the BS I told her why I didn't invite her to my family's/buddies' weddings and about my accounts getting hacked so as long as I'm quick on my feet and come up with some sort of plausible explanation, no worries. I mean, it's worked so far, right?

 

"Besides, I've got one more thing on my side... If it ever gets to the point when she doesn't believe me, all I have to do is throw the blame back on her. All I have to do is say we need to end things because SHE doesn't trust me and I can't be in a relationship with someone who doubts me and my word.

 

"Yeah, it's a gamble, but the odds are in my favor. She'll never push it to that point as the last thing she wants is to lose me. I know it and she knows it. But you know what? Even if she does, no big deal as as they say, there's plenty of other fish in the sea."

 

So maybe you believe what I am trying to tell you sazmac, maybe you don't or choose not to. But, if you take away one thing from this post, I hope it's the bit about how important it is to NOT make your decision about this guy based on what he says, but rather on how we acts, reacts, and behaves toward you.

 

You can ask him this weekend to explain what's what, but as I said earlier, talk is cheap. If you want to be sure he's not pulling your leg, it's going to require a whole lot of legwork and self-restraint on your part.

 

As some other posters have suggested, you need to pull the plug on any more sexual behavior. See where that leads, but don't let him worm his way back into your good graces so he can get in your pants -- because chances are, he'll clean up his act just enough so he can. If you give in, please also do as others suggested -- DON'T go commando. INSIST he wears a condom.

 

If he persists in telling the "I got hacked" story, then suggest he needs to get in touch with his ISP, websites he has accounts on, and local law enforcement and report the crime. See how he reacts and what he has to say about that.

 

I assume you have a Facebook page. Post some pix of the two of you or him alone on your page. If you really want to be bold, change your status to "In a Relationship" and say with whom. See how he acts/what he has to say about that.

 

Suggest to him that the level of conversation/communication you have during the week is not adequate and you'd like to hear from him more often. If he makes more excuses instead of stepping up to the plate, you know where you rank.

 

Hear him out this weekend, but it might be to your advantage to indicate "I need to think about what you had to say before deciding whether I want to continue our relationship." See what his reaction is to that -- and I don't mean only this weekend.

 

And finally, it's a pain in the rear, but you really need to do some serious online digging. What you've discovered thus far may well be only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what this guy has been up to.

 

The more ways you have to "make connections" the better as in if you know email addresses, handles, nicknames, IM names, etc. he has/has used, the chances you'll be able to uncover the extent to what/if anything he's been up to.

 

Yeah, yeah... You can say all you want "that's terrible -- Obviously, the guy is guilty before proven innocent." But, I am telling you sazmac, odds are this guy isn't as pure of the driven snow as he (and you) would like you to believe.

 

Better you know, rather than get suckered in and played for a fool -- NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.

 

I think he does (loves me). He just need other female attention obviously.

 

sazmac, be honest for a second. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks you *aren't enough?* Why not invest your time/effort/heart in a relationship with someone who thinks you are center of his universe? Someone who respects you and deserves your trust?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

Well then, my advice is you should marry this guy, bear all his children, enjoy seeing him only on weekends, while he keeps you in the dark during the weekdays. You can show your kids pictures of him off of PoF.

 

LOFLMAO!

 

Nice one, Frank.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[beach]

Have you googled his profile name or email address to see if he has profiles on other dating sites too?

 

Have you been to his new place where he lives or has he never brought you there?

[sazmac]

Thank you so much for you all taking the time to write such detailed posts, I have taken on board what you are all saying.

 

Frank..Bore off!!

 

Serious talk tonight, I am definitely starting to think i deserve better!! Lets see what he has to say and ill post again after the weekend.

 

Thank you all again! Some really good advice and so true, hard to hear but true.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I read this as my bf is on POT. Then I asked myself how can one place the blame of mary jane on hackers lol. But yea you should dump him. If you believe that story you should also believe the earth is flat

 

But, like the site says, there's plenty of fish