Best way to support a depressed male friend

[Taramere]

I sent a message to a long term friend (known him for 30 years) and received a message back to say he's going through a really hard time just now. Got dumped, rejected for a couple of jobs etc.

 

I'm never quite sure how to support men in these situations. On the one hand, I'm conscious that it's an issue for men that they often don't get the same level of support that women do when things aren't going so well. On the other, I feel like my attempts to provide emotional support often embarrass or annoy them. So I'll end up just trying to cheer them up with stupid chat and distractions.

 

That seems to be the approach that's least likely to result in annoyance/aggravation, but it's also pretty stereotypically "what blokes do" and therefore one of the reasons, probably, that men often don't feel supported when they're depressed.

 

So what's the best approach for me to take? I'm worried about my friend.

[Emilia]

I call my male friends and their tone of voice and what they respond to usually tells me what works. My ex husband just tells me stuff anyway to get it off his chest and half the time I just listen without interrupting. The ex I work with is much quieter so I send him youtube clips or drop of a chocolate bar or something though he sometimes tells me when something work related bugs him. Recently his home city had some terrorist attrocities so I texted him and we chatted for a long time because I know he stresses about his brother and he just wanted someone to talk to about it (not a phone call though).

 

So it depends but starting with a phone call or a face to face conversation helps to decide what they need.

[thefooloftheyear]

When I went through rough times, talking to people had little effect..I just had to get through it on my own..I found that talking about it just "picked at the scab", sp to speak...And it really get old hearing people use the same cliches like "its for the best" and "everything happens for a reason" crap...

 

I guess it depends on the individual, but most guys seem best to confide in male buddies or relatives...Especially if they feel they were "wronged" by a woman....It probably will pass, but at that moment you might find yourself looking like the "enemy" in his eyes, even though you are only there to help..

 

Hope it works out...

 

TFY

[Taramere]

I call my male friends and their tone of voice and what they respond to usually tells me what works. My ex husband just tells me stuff anyway to get it off his chest and half the time I just listen without interrupting. The ex I work with is much quieter so I send him youtube clips or drop of a chocolate bar or something though he sometimes tells me when something work related bugs him. Recently his home city had some terrorist attrocities so I texted him and we chatted for a long time because I know he stresses about his brother and he just wanted someone to talk to about it (not a phone call though).

 

So it depends but starting with a phone call or a face to face conversation helps to decide what they need.

 

Thanks E. He lives too far away for a face to face chat (actually he's in your neck of the woods). He's a sensitive personality type and tends to be prone to downers. In all the time I've known him, when he's feeling a bit down I've always tended to try to lighten things up with the kind of chat I know he enjoys. He's got a good sense of humour and loves comedy, so that lifts him up...but this downer seems more serious than the usual.

[Taramere]

When I went through rough times, talking to people had little effect..I just had to get through it on my own..I found that talking about it just "picked at the scab", sp to speak...And it really get old hearing people use the same cliches like "its for the best" and "everything happens for a reason" crap...

 

I guess it depends on the individual, but most guys seem best to confide in male buddies or relatives...Especially if they feel they were "wronged" by a woman....It probably will pass, but at that moment you might find yourself looking like the "enemy" in his eyes, even though you are only there to help..

 

Hope it works out...

 

TFY

 

Thanks TFY. I know what you're saying about "the enemy" aspect. I feel that I've known this guy for so long that I'm like a sister..and when men see you as a sister, I think they're less likely to put you in that "the enemy" category. He was there for me when I had had a horrible relationship break-up, and I certainly never saw him as the enemy in that scenario just because he's a guy..but perhaps men and women are different in that respect.

 

I think I'll probably opt for keeping contact light but reasonably frequent over the next couple of weeks. I don't think I've heard him talk about being this down before.

[GorillaTheater]

When I went through rough times, talking to people had little effect..I just had to get through it on my own..I found that talking about it just "picked at the scab", sp to speak...And it really get old hearing people use the same cliches like "its for the best" and "everything happens for a reason" crap...

 

This is me, too, although I'm the first to admit that it might not be entirely healthy.

 

Depending on how close you are, how about an outing together? I think that in his shoes I'd appreciate the distraction. And no, I'm not suggesting anything the least bit sexual, although that's been known to help as well.

[carhill]

So what's the best approach for me to take? I'm worried about my friend.

 

Each person is different and some guys deal with this stuff in their 'cave'. However, this guy reached out and at least shared some of his 'stuff' so opened the door so to speak.

 

I dealt with a bit of this a couple weeks ago when my best friend's mother died. We got the call while camping that she was in the hospital, quickly packed up and hit the road. He stayed with her until she died and I didn't hear from him for a week. I know him well enough to know his style of dealing with stuff and sure enough, he contacted me, we got together for some target shooting, he vented, we had few beers, and life went on. IME, with men, we usually 'get through stuff' by 'cave time' or 'doing stuff', meaning sharing an activity and 'talk' about stuff being tangent to the activity.

 

Your friend has his own style. IMO, if you know his style, support it. Leave the door open. When in need, it's nice to know the door is open. I recall, when going through divorce and EOL care, my best friend did that with a standing invitation for dinner at their place on weekends. Nothing formal, they were there. We also did activities together. That's how we support each other. YMMV!

[Taramere]

This is me, too, although I'm the first to admit that it might not be entirely healthy.

 

Depending on how close you are, how about an outing together? I think that in his shoes I'd appreciate the distraction. And no, I'm not suggesting anything the least bit sexual, although that's been known to help as well.

 

Yeah, sex is not going to happen. It would be like incest.

 

Unfortunately he lives too far away for an outing to be a possibility, but I know that he's a bit fed up with where he lives just now so I suppose he might come down here for a weekend. It does sound to me as though he needs to get away for a bit.

[Taramere]

Your friend has his own style. IMO, if you know his style, support it. Leave the door open. When in need, it's nice to know the door is open. I recall, when going through divorce and EOL care, my best friend did that with a standing invitation for dinner at their place on weekends. Nothing formal, they were there. We also did activities together. That's how we support each other. YMMV!

 

Yeah, I feel that I know his style well. Because he's more down than usual this time, I'm worried that my usual approach mightn't be enough.

 

He's a funny mixture of blokeish bloke and very sensitive bookish type. There's a big festival coming up in summer time, and I know he usually goes to it. Maybe I'll take a look at what's on, suggest a couple of events to him and make plans. Sometimes all you can do, when somebody's depressed, is make plans with them so that they have something to think ahead to.

[carhill]

Personally, I've found the 'drilling down' approach to work pretty well. Open the door, keep things simple and be abundantly clear I've got their back. I did this recently with the wife of another friend who, like your friend, lives some distance away (about six hours by air) and was facing cancer surgery and had lost a lot of weight and was depressed. Still, he was a guy and you'll rarely hear him complain and he's as stubborn as an ox. However, I spoke with his wife privately and ensured her that I would be on a plane if she said the word.

 

In your case, my suggestion is to make the invite, be specific about something which you know to be of his interest, and leave that door open.

 

Another example is something which happened purely by coincidence but remains as an important memory of support: I was 'caving' on the day my mom died and a friend from this forum happened to call and she and I spent a couple hours simply talking, some about the events of the day but mostly just about life. That's my 'style' and she evidently read it and supported it.

 

In that vein, absent a clear reason not to, I'd suggest calling your friend if wishing to invite him down for some activity. Sometimes hearing a friendly voice can do wonders for mood. The impact IME is different from that of a message (e-mail/text, etc). Worth a try!

[Taramere]

Personally, I've found the 'drilling down' approach to work pretty well. Open the door, keep things simple and be abundantly clear I've got their back. I did this recently with the wife of another friend who, like your friend, lives some distance away (about six hours by air) and was facing cancer surgery and had lost a lot of weight and was depressed. Still, he was a guy and you'll rarely hear him complain and he's as stubborn as an ox. However, I spoke with his wife privately and ensured her that I would be on a plane if she said the word.

 

In your case, my suggestion is to make the invite, be specific about something which you know to be of his interest, and leave that door open.

 

Another example is something which happened purely by coincidence but remains as an important memory of support: I was 'caving' on the day my mom died and a friend from this forum happened to call and she and I spent a couple hours simply talking, some about the events of the day but mostly just about life. That's my 'style' and she evidently read it and supported it.

 

In that vein, absent a clear reason not to, I'd suggest calling your friend if wishing to invite him down for some activity. Sometimes hearing a friendly voice can do wonders for mood. The impact IME is different from that of a message (e-mail/text, etc). Worth a try!

 

Thanks Carhill. We've made a time for me to phone, and I've also suggested he come down for a few days. He's got family and friends here. Sometimes just a change of location for a few days can achieve a lot. He seems appreciative of the effort I'm making, even if I can't be of much practical assistance.

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm definitely a "what do you need" type who will suggest activities, usually hunting, camping, sports or fishing with other males. With my female friends, I just go in and try to fix anything they need while my wife is the emotional support. Sometimes they will ask me about stuff if it is financial, problems with kids or men, etc. I have to admit that it takes all of my willpower not to want to "fix" their issues for them. I am a doer...I do, and my wife feels and empathizes.

He probably just needs to know you care and are there for him if he needs you. I know, for me, if I'm in a weird head space I definitely do not want to talk things to death. Let me know you give a damn and that does me good. Trying to talk to me when I'm in that space makes me shut down completely. My wife calls it my shutdown mode and she just completely ignores me. It works. I snap out of it much quicker than if bothered.

Men just deal differently,

Grumps

[Emilia]

He's a funny mixture of blokeish bloke and very sensitive bookish type. There's a big festival coming up in summer time, and I know he usually goes to it. Maybe I'll take a look at what's on, suggest a couple of events to him and make plans. Sometimes all you can do, when somebody's depressed, is make plans with them so that they have something to think ahead to.

Sounds like my ex. This is a very good plan. It would be his kind of thing too, he used to look forward to our company trips together.

[Radu]

I sent a message to a long term friend (known him for 30 years) and received a message back to say he's going through a really hard time just now. Got dumped, rejected for a couple of jobs etc.

 

I'm never quite sure how to support men in these situations. On the one hand, I'm conscious that it's an issue for men that they often don't get the same level of support that women do when things aren't going so well. On the other, I feel like my attempts to provide emotional support often embarrass or annoy them. So I'll end up just trying to cheer them up with stupid chat and distractions.

 

That seems to be the approach that's least likely to result in annoyance/aggravation, but it's also pretty stereotypically "what blokes do" and therefore one of the reasons, probably, that men often don't feel supported when they're depressed.

 

So what's the best approach for me to take? I'm worried about my friend.

 

You could just tried to provide a willing ear to listen to his problems, though you have some risks :

- emotional attachement from either of you

- you might not like your new role permanently while he will

[Taramere]

You could just tried to provide a willing ear to listen to his problems, though you have some risks :

- emotional attachement from either of you

- you might not like your new role permanently while he will

 

We've been friends a long time - so there's already emotional attachment, but it will never be romantic. He's well aware of that since we addressed that issue a good 20 something years ago. But yes, I hear you. Support with boundaries firmly in place.

[Radu]

PS: Wish i had a friend like during my depression, your friend is lucky.

[janedoe67]

I'm a woman, so I can't tell you what a man thinks.

 

But with the friends I have had who went through depression, I think the "I'm here, and I'll be here" approach while sort of letting them dictate the action seems top be good advice. That eliminates the "hovering" while still letting them know the door is open. And yes, most of the time my twisted humor helps them.

 

I was married to a man who was depressed A LOT, and I did everything wrong. My first mistake was to try to fix it or to take on the role of "sole emotional support". In other words, I basically took responsibility for his moods and it became my job to make him okay. Of course, that probably made him feel weaker (even though he definitely took full advantage of it), and after awhile that gets completely exhausting. I also eventually got kind of emptied out and resentful.

 

So I say what carhill and grumpy and a couple of others said. Let him know you've got his back, be kind of "normal," and sort of follow here he leads, if that makes sense.

[salparadise]

I sent a message to a long term friend (known him for 30 years) and received a message back to say he's going through a really hard time just now. Got dumped, rejected for a couple of jobs etc.

 

I'm never quite sure how to support men in these situations. On the one hand, I'm conscious that it's an issue for men that they often don't get the same level of support that women do when things aren't going so well. On the other, I feel like my attempts to provide emotional support often embarrass or annoy them. So I'll end up just trying to cheer them up with stupid chat and distractions.

 

That seems to be the approach that's least likely to result in annoyance/aggravation, but it's also pretty stereotypically "what blokes do" and therefore one of the reasons, probably, that men often don't feel supported when they're depressed.

 

So what's the best approach for me to take? I'm worried about my friend.

 

Good questions! You are spot on with your insights. I can help - I have training.

 

Encourage him to talk, explore the situation, say how he feels. Use reflective listening... match his tone, paraphrase and reflect back what he says in such a way that he feels affirmed and understood. This is almost magical when done well, but it will probably feel awkward to you at first. Show him that you are trying hard to understand, but do not say "I understand" and don't say "I'm sorry" or similar things that are about how you feel––keep the focus on how he feels. Use empathy not sympathy. Aside from reflective listening, ask questions and avoid statements. Statements should only be used to set up an associated question, such as reiterating one of his statements that has already been affirmed.

 

Don't try to problem solve, and don't offer advice that avoids, minimizes or invalidates how he says he feels. Ask follow up questions that allow him to explore the meaning he attaches to what he has said, and make sure to keep it in the context of his own values and beliefs. Don't impose your values, and don't judge (obviously, but pay attention so as not to do this inadvertently).

 

You can help him develop alternatives or things he can do to relieve the overwhelming feelings in the short term. One thing that often helps is to change the immediate surroundings and change body position or activity. Walk, go to the gym, visit a friend or relative, go to the grocery store, do something physical, etc. Ask what usually lightens his mood (music, food, reading, journaling, etc.) and encourage him to do that. Let these alternatives come from him as much as possible.

 

Let him know that how he feels is important, that you care and are genuinely concerned about his wellbeing. Communicate this through your voice (pace, pitch, intonation, etc.) as well as words. Listen for subtle hints of suicidal ideations like, I don't know if I can go on, the world would be better off without me, etc. If you pick up on anything like this, ask him outright if he is having suicidal thoughts. Asking does not increase the likelihood. If he says yes, or anything other than a definite no, then there is cause for concern. If you think it could be this serious PM me and I'll tell you how to assess the degree of risk and appropriate actions.

[Taramere]

Good questions! You are spot on with your insights. I can help - I have training.

 

Encourage him to talk, explore the situation, say how he feels. Use reflective listening... match his tone, paraphrase and reflect back what he says in such a way that he feels affirmed and understood. This is almost magical when done well, but it will probably feel awkward to you at first. Show him that you are trying hard to understand, but do not say "I understand" and don't say "I'm sorry" or similar things that are about how you feel––keep the focus on how he feels. Use empathy not sympathy. Aside from reflective listening, ask questions and avoid statements. Statements should only be used to set up an associated question, such as reiterating one of his statements that has already been affirmed.

 

Don't try to problem solve, and don't offer advice that avoids, minimizes or invalidates how he says he feels. Ask follow up questions that allow him to explore the meaning he attaches to what he has said, and make sure to keep it in the context of his own values and beliefs. Don't impose your values, and don't judge (obviously, but pay attention so as not to do this inadvertently).

 

You can help him develop alternatives or things he can do to relieve the overwhelming feelings in the short term. One thing that often helps is to change the immediate surroundings and change body position or activity. Walk, go to the gym, visit a friend or relative, go to the grocery store, do something physical, etc. Ask what usually lightens his mood (music, food, reading, journaling, etc.) and encourage him to do that. Let these alternatives come from him as much as possible.

 

Let him know that how he feels is important, that you care and are genuinely concerned about his wellbeing. Communicate this through your voice (pace, pitch, intonation, etc.) as well as words. Listen for subtle hints of suicidal ideations like, I don't know if I can go on, the world would be better off without me, etc. If you pick up on anything like this, ask him outright if he is having suicidal thoughts. Asking does not increase the likelihood. If he says yes, or anything other than a definite no, then there is cause for concern. If you think it could be this serious PM me and I'll tell you how to assess the degree of risk and appropriate actions.

 

Thanks Sal, that's really helpful. He hasn't expressed suicidal ideation, but he has talked about feeling guilty about feeling depressed. I think that's common when people feel down - I get it too. "It's self indulgence...other people are worse off..." all of that, and of course while a certain amount of guilt can keep us self aware and encourage socially palatable (to others) behaviour, a lot of it just intensifies those bad feelings.

 

He's in another part of the country, so face to face isn't an option right now. I'm usually fairly okay at that, I think. My job is client based -I'm not a therapist, but I do work in a profession where people often have to discuss pretty personal stuff with me...but of course it's different with friends, and I don't want him to feel like a client or anything like that.

 

Thank you so much for the PMing offer. I'll definitely take you up on that if he says anything that rings serious alarm bells.

[Taramere]

I'm a woman, so I can't tell you what a man thinks.

 

But with the friends I have had who went through depression, I think the "I'm here, and I'll be here" approach while sort of letting them dictate the action seems top be good advice. That eliminates the "hovering" while still letting them know the door is open. And yes, most of the time my twisted humor helps them.

 

Yeah, gallows humour can be risky - but I know when I've felt down, it's actually really cheered me up. And my friend enjoys fairly twisted humour.

 

I was married to a man who was depressed A LOT, and I did everything wrong. My first mistake was to try to fix it or to take on the role of "sole emotional support". In other words, I basically took responsibility for his moods and it became my job to make him okay. Of course, that probably made him feel weaker (even though he definitely took full advantage of it), and after awhile that gets completely exhausting. I also eventually got kind of emptied out and resentful.

 

Yeah, I know that situation. My friend isn't like that. He's very much a nurturing type himself, and doesn't really like it when other people try to adopt that role.

[gaius]

If the girl that had to sit me down in high school and explain why she would never have sex with me showed back up when I was depressed and started offering me support that just might be enough to make me jump off that bridge.

 

All I can really think of is a semi-nude picture if you don't want to have sex with him. That would lessen any guys depression. That's real love.