Is He Seeing Other People?

[tallulah27]

Hi There - First time posting here but long time lurker. You guys give great advice!

 

I have a question for you all. I'll break it down as succinctly as possible. I'm 43, he's 37. We have been seeing each other for just about 5 months and while neither of us is 100% sure we're each other's "the one" we're really having fun and there is chemistry.

 

Here's the issue(s). About 2 months into the relationship he asked if I was seeing anyone else. I said no, that I'd wrapped up something recently because I wanted to focus on him. I asked him if he was and he said "no, I don't have time to be dating anyone else."

 

Fast forward a month and I did something I've never done because I had a feeling he was seeing others. I checked his phone when he was in the shower. Please know that I know this is the mega-lamest thing a woman or man can do, especially one that thinks they are evolved and confident and beyond doing **** like that. I know it's the ultimate invasion of privacy but I just couldn't help myself.

 

Alas, I found out that he's chatting with his recent ex (they broke up about a month before we started dating, were on and off for a year) and also went on a coffee date with someone that week! The ex text were heated and accusatory… Thinks like "well, you're seeing someone else…" It sounded like they were still intimately involved… Not sure it was wrapping up type **** or full-on, still into each other and fighting type ****. He did tell me that he and his ex were not compatible, that he felt he did all the work and that she was never happy, etc.

 

I literally could not see straight and really couldn't read much of the texts because of it. I've never been cheated on (never been married, have focused on my career but had some fabulous boyfriends over the years). I started shaking and could not keep my cool. I walked in to the bathroom and told him what I found. He said he is not serious with those women, that he's sorry, blah, blah, blah.

 

I said I could not believe he betrayed my trust and I had no idea he was still so involved with his ex. He said she wants to get back with him and that he does not want to get back with her and that he told her about me and she wanted to see a picture so she'd know it was over. WTF? Are we twelve? I felt like a fool.

 

As for the "coffee date" thing he said he didn't think I was that into him and that it was a setup from a friend nothing more (admittedly, the text from the girl said "I had a good time but maybe you're not into it" - it seemed like he didn't get back to her afterward). I will see with re: to his fears that I had my walls up at first and getting to know him slowly so maybe he DID think I wasn't into him. But I did do sweet things like make him cupcakes for his birthday (just a few weeks after we started dating), brought him a "get well" basket of soup, oranges, chocolate, etc when he was sick for a few days. I wasn't a cold fish is what I'm saying.

 

Ahhhhhh! Just writing this I know it seems like I'm dating a player. And I think I might be. But after this he was super apologetic and said he still wanted to see me, and start seeing me even more so he could really get to know me. For the first three months we were usually one to two times a week.

 

Anyway, I know this is long and I know you'll say I need to kick him to the curb but I chose to continue seeing him he's been really trying to bring it. Seeing me more, texting, calling, opening up…

 

However, I DO NOT TRUST HIM. I asked him what he was doing on Tuesday and he said "I have plans." My first thought is he's dating someone else still. I said with who and he said "friends." Well, yesterday was Tuesday and we spent most of the day together and then he left at like 6:30pm. I said "have fun whatever you're doing, I trust you." He said "I trust you too." This is on the heals of having a discussion about me not trusting him. I said I would give it my all and am trying so hard to do so.

 

I just don't know what to do. Women's intuition tells me he's up to something. It's killing me and I think I need to walk away but I do like him and would like to explore this relationship fully without being dragged down by my doubts. I know if I can't get past it it's not fair to either of us to continue.

 

Honestly, I have never cheated on anyone and I think that if he did actually go out with another woman after spending the entire day with me, and telling me we're exclusive, that he'd have to be a really f'd up individual with deep-seated issues. I'd actually feel sorry for him. My brain can't wrap itself around anyone doing that. However, now that I've read so many cheating forums I know people do it all the time. It's so disheartening.

 

Anyhoo, any thoughts on the matter? I know this is crazy long. Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it. My heart hurts at the moment when I think about losing him.

[mercuryshadow]

Sadly, it sounds as if he's hiding something or someone. You found evidence of that relatively early on. Still, it sounds as if you may have not gotten full disclosure when you confronted him. And now, with his secrecy regarding his plans... no. Just no. He's given you enough for reasonable doubt. I'd advise you to walk away. At this point, he probably thinks he's got you around his finger and he can get away with doing whatever he wants, and you are teaching him exactly that by sticking around. It's abundantly clear that you don't trust him. If you continue seeing him, I guarantee that you'll be on edge, anxious, and worried about this same issue for many months to come, perhaps until you find some concrete evidence.

[tallulah27]

Thanks for the response. Really appreciate it and know you're probably right. What would you say to him if it were you?

[Zahara]

First of all, the lying. He said he doesn't have time to date anyone else, yet he went on a date that was set-up by his friends. He said that he wasn't sure that you were into him so he went on that date but you did tell him that you didn't want to see anyone else and that you wanted to focus on him. Isn't that a clear indication that you are interested? Granted there was never any talk of exclusivity, there was no reason to lie about it.

 

Seeing each other for 5 months warrants him being able to tell you his plans instead of evading. That sort of behavior is an added sketchyness on his part.

 

And when your instincts are telling you something, you best listen. I can't tell you how many times I ignored it and ended up learning the hard way.

[mercuryshadow]

I don't think you owe him any kind of huge explanation. If you plan on cutting it off with him, place your emphasis on honesty. i.e. "I don't think you've been honest with me in the five months we've been together, and I deserve better than that." Short and sweet. Your focus now should be keeping your self-respect intact. I'm sure that the thought of losing him hurts, but compared to how you will feel if he is allowed to continue lying to you, I'd say choose the former.

[2sunny]

Why would YOU lie and say you trust him when you know you don't trust him?

[tallulah27]

2Sunny that's an interesting question. Because when we talked about my trust issues he said he could not be in a relationship with someone who always made him feel like **** or that he was doing something wrong. He looked me in the eyes and he seemed so damn genuine that, in that moment, I was like "there is no way this guy is lying."

 

I had about a day of feeling really good and solid about going forward and trusting and just letting things flow. Then, of course, I got to thinking…

 

So I guess I thought I was telling the truth. But I was lying to myself.

[tallulah27]

Thanks. I'm seeing him tonight. Not sure if I can do it today. I'll keep you guys posted because I always want to hear how things turned out when I read other threads. God, I feel sick to my stomach. It's less about losing him and more about being so betrayed I think. I just can't believe it.

[tallulah27]

Meant to say "thanks" to Mercury and all of you. I am feeling like **** on a stick but, as I said, am going to try to be strong and end this. That said, another part of me wants to give him a little more time. That part of me is the stupid one.

[clia]

Here's the issue(s). About 2 months into the relationship he asked if I was seeing anyone else. I said no, that I'd wrapped up something recently because I wanted to focus on him. I asked him if he was and he said "no, I don't have time to be dating anyone else."

 

Maybe I'm being picky about words, but was this supposed to establish that you two were in an exclusive relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend going forward? Because this sounds more to me like "I want to focus on him [right now.]" and "I don't have time to be dating anyone else [right now.]"

 

Are you sure you guys are on the same page about expectations? Because...five months together and your relationship does not seem to be progressing. His actions and words indicate casual, not exclusive/boyfriend/girlfriend. Your words to him also do not indicate any sort of comfort level. Have you met his family and friends? Has he told you he loves you?

 

Ahhhhhh! Just writing this I know it seems like I'm dating a player. And I think I might be. But after this he was super apologetic and said he still wanted to see me, and start seeing me even more so he could really get to know me. For the first three months we were usually one to two times a week.

 

How often do you see him now?

 

However, I DO NOT TRUST HIM.

 

You never trusted him. Otherwise you wouldn't have been tempted to check his phone.

 

I asked him what he was doing on Tuesday and he said "I have plans." My first thought is he's dating someone else still. I said with who and he said "friends." Well, yesterday was Tuesday and we spent most of the day together and then he left at like 6:30pm. I said "have fun whatever you're doing, I trust you." He said "I trust you too." This is on the heals of having a discussion about me not trusting him. I said I would give it my all and am trying so hard to do so.

 

I mean, this is totally weird. If you are indeed exclusive with this guy, and he considers you his girlfriend (and you know that)...why wouldn't he tell you who he is going out with? Why wouldn't you ask? I mean, honestly, if my boyfriend of five months said he was going out with "friends" my natural inclination would be to say "Oh, who? Mike?" And "Oh, what are you guys going to do?" This shouldn't be top secret stuff at five months into an exclusive relationship. And then for you to just say "I trust you." The interaction feels bizarre.

[Zahara]

Meant to say "thanks" to Mercury and all of you. I am feeling like **** on a stick but, as I said, am going to try to be strong and end this. That said, another part of me wants to give him a little more time. That part of me is the stupid one.

 

The stupid side is the emotional side and it's normal that you feel this way. It's never easy to end it when you want it badly. Don't put that finality on your shoulders and start stressing a play by play, but just let the night take its course. If you aren't ready to end it tonight, you aren't ready. It's a choice only you can make for yourself. And if you can't go through with it, maybe use this as an opportunity to communicate everything that you've been feeling about the relationship and him.

[tallulah27]

Hi Clia - Lame but I don't know how to do the pull quote thing.

 

Yep, some of these interactions are weird as hell. The whole "I trust you thing yesterday" was super weird. I agree with you there. I took a long dating break before him so I'm rusty I think (which is why I didn't kick him to the curb at the first sign of deceit, the old me would have been laterkthanxbye).

 

He's been married twice and is, admittedly, very scared of getting into a serious relationship but told me he likes me a lot and is "open to it." He said that a few months in.

 

I have met his family numerous times and they love me. They keep telling him to "lock it down with her" in front of him. No pressure there. Ha.

 

Recently, his cousin pulled me aside and said she thinks I'm great for him but that I'll have to fight for it because he's had a hard upbringing and is really comfortable keeping people at bay. I said I couldn't save anyone but that I liked him a lot. Another of his family friends said they've never seen him bring the same girl home more than once in recent years (good for me she's seen me more than once, bad for me he's brought home other girls).

 

As for Tuesday, I did say "who are you going out with?" He said "friends, just like sometimes you go out with people and say 'friends.'" He was lying I'm pretty sure. Is it because he wants space, is it because he's doing something he doesn't want me to know about but isn't cheating, is it because of another girl? I'm leaning toward the latter but who the hell knows. I know if someone asks me what I'm doing, friend or lover, and I have plans I usually say "sorry, but I'm going to a movie with Dena…" or something else equally specific.

 

The things I do know: he contacts me every day, texts me back within minutes of each text I send and we currently see each other two to three times a week. Sometimes he'll stay over for all evening and all of the next day.

 

We work together as well so I know his schedule. And he's starting a business (our job is our day job, we're both artists). So he is very busy. I don't even know how he can juggle another woman (or two). If he is, it must be so tiring!

 

Oh, and when I did find out he was texting his ex/went out on a date and called him out on it by quoting the "you said you didn't have time to see other people" line he said "I didn't at the time." I was like "semantics dude. That is so damn lame." As for me, when I said I wanted to focus on him I meant I didn't want to see other people and that he was my focus. Maybe he didn't take that as exclusivity. Egad.

 

God, typing all this makes me want to puke and laugh at the same time. We are in our late 30s/early 40s and acting like complete fools. We are both a little commitment phooey. I'm wondering is we're both just freaking/scared and our signals are crossed (i.e. he thinks I'm about to bail so pulls back, I think he's cheating so pull back…). I realize that there is a small chance that that is the case.

 

Thanks again for the replies. Sorry this is rambley. Need to figure out how to post on the forum correctly.

Edited May 21, 2014 by tallulah27

[pteromom]

First of all... are you exclusive? I read your first posts and skimmed the others, so I apologize if you covered that.

 

If you aren't exclusive, obviously he has no commitment to date only you. In that case, you have to decide whether you are OK with him dating others... if not, this isn't the relationship for you.

 

If you ARE exclusive, his behavior has given you enough of a reason to say "I know it may seem silly to you, but the stuff with your ex and date after you telling me you didn't have time to date other people has me feeling a little insecure. Can you just humor me for a bit and straight-up answer my questions and be transparent with me... like if I ask where you are going, tell me? I understand you want to feel trusted, but I can't shake these feelings without a little help from you."

 

Something like that.

 

And if he isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration, maybe that isn't a partner you want.

 

As far as the lying... liars lie. It's what they do. They become experts in looking in your eyes, crying, saying what you want to hear. A good liar can even convince himself of his lies. Go by his actions, NOT his words.

[tallulah27]

Hi Pteromom. Thanks for the input. Great advice that I will use if I decide to stay.

 

After the phone incident I said we'd have to be exclusive or it would be over for me. So, yes, we are exclusive. That is, we are supposed to be. He said he would try and does seem to be trying. Alas, this shady incident occurred and it brought up my fears.

 

I may give it a few more weeks and try to be really open and ask him to humor me, as you said.

 

I have to say I have not been perfect and have been guilty of making him feel insecure. I freaked out one night and asked him if we should break it off a few weeks back and then quickly said I didn't want to, that I was just scared. And I was scared. It was a full-on insecurity meltdown and I was pushing him away so I wouldn't get hurt. But I just couldn't end it that night. A few days ago, he brought that up and said it made him feel really insecure that I could break it off so easily and that he needed to feel secure a relationship. I explained that it was the rocky beginning and some trust issues that were freaking me out (and also the fact he's been married twice) but that I didn't want him to feel unsafe or insecure in the relationship.

 

So I underscored to him that I really like him and want him to know that and feel secure. I said I wanted to give this relationship a real shot for a little longer, and to proceed as full-on boyfriend/girlfriend and he agreed. So now if he's cheating he's a big, fat ****heal!

[pteromom]

So I underscored to him that I really like him and want him to know that and feel secure. I said I wanted to give this relationship a real shot for a little longer, and to proceed as full-on boyfriend/girlfriend and he agreed. So now if he's cheating he's a big, fat ****heal!

 

But, NOW he's planted this whole "I'm insecure" thing in your head to keep you from confronting him on anything. He knows you will go out of your way to keep him feeling safe and secure.

 

So if he IS a liar and cheater, that was actually a brilliant tactic on his part.

[tallulah27]

But, NOW he's planted this whole "I'm insecure" thing in your head to keep you from confronting him on anything. He knows you will go out of your way to keep him feeling safe and secure.

 

So if he IS a liar and cheater, that was actually a brilliant tactic on his part.

 

Yep. I thought the same thing. Still not going to stop me from calling him out though. At this point I've got nothing left to lose really. I'm either dating a nice guy who is being a little weird (weirdness that comes off as shadiness) because of some of his own issues/fears, or a mega-liar who is taking me for a fool. Or something in between. Maybe a broken person who doesn't know how to be close and likes to juggle a bunch of superficial relationships. I guess I'll find out soon. Or maybe never find out. But I'm not going to play this out much longer. I adore him but know I'm a catch and will eventually be caught be a genuine guy who doesn't lie. Doesn't mean it won't be heartbreaking tho. I wish he's just tell the truth and move on from me if he is seeing other people. Why do they hang on?

[2sunny]

Yep. I thought the same thing. Still not going to stop me from calling him out though. At this point I've got nothing left to lose really. I'm either dating a nice guy who is being a little weird (weirdness that comes off as shadiness) because of some of his own issues/fears, or a mega-liar who is taking me for a fool. Or something in between. Maybe a broken person who doesn't know how to be close and likes to juggle a bunch of superficial relationships. I guess I'll find out soon. Or maybe never find out. But I'm not going to play this out much longer. I adore him but know I'm a catch and will eventually be caught be a genuine guy who doesn't lie. Doesn't mean it won't be heartbreaking tho. I wish he's just tell the truth and move on from me if he is seeing other people. Why do they hang on?

 

Oops sorry, wrong thread.

[pteromom]

I guess I'll find out soon. Or maybe never find out. But I'm not going to play this out much longer.

 

Just be VERY honest and upfront about what you want from the relationship, and if he is unwilling or incapable of giving you what you want, it's ok to walk away. Doesn't really matter WHY he is doing what he's doing; whether he is a liar or broken... just does this relationship work for you? Yes or no.

 

I wish he's just tell the truth and move on from me if he is seeing other people. Why do they hang on?

 

People do things that meet their needs. If he IS a liar and is seeing other people, it could be he wants to have multiple sources for sex and affection. Could be he is terrified of committing to someone because it means being vulnerable. Could be he gets a thrill and feeling of power out of lying and playing people... but again, the WHY doesn't really matter.

[tallulah27]

Found out his profile was still up on a dating website. Said he was active today. Told him I saw it and he said it's an old profile, he just checked it today because he got an email, yada yada.

 

So, sadly, my spidey senses were working. Broke it off calmly saying we're just not in the same place.

 

He said he still wants to date and wants to talk tomorrow. I will talk, because I want to remain cordial, but will keep it brief and hold my ground.

 

Man it sucks but I feel a big sense of relief. And a weird sense of hope. That now I can fully move on a meet someone who is right for me.

 

So happy ending I guess.

[mercuryshadow]

Found out his profile was still up on a dating website. Said he was active today. Told him I saw it and he said it's an old profile, he just checked it today because he got an email, yada yada.

 

So, sadly, my spidey senses were working. Broke it off calmly saying we're just not in the same place.

 

He said he still wants to date and wants to talk tomorrow. I will talk, because I want to remain cordial, but will keep it brief and hold my ground.

 

Man it sucks but I feel a big sense of relief. And a weird sense of hope. That now I can fully move on a meet someone who is right for me.

 

So happy ending I guess.

 

 

For the record, I just wanted to state that I admire your conviction. A lot of women (my former self, included) could take a lesson from you!!

[crederer]

The guys a complete liar. I mean what else is there to say? People that lie pretty much about anything are not the kind of people to spend your time with, whether it be a friendship or emotional relationship.

[writergal]

The guys a complete liar. I mean what else is there to say? People that lie pretty much about anything are not the kind of people to spend your time with, whether it be a friendship or emotional relationship.

 

^^100% agree with this. Even if its a small lie it's still a lie. Life is short. Don't spend your time with people who don't value or appreciate you. As my signature says, you are what you settle for. Don't settle. Never settle.

Edited May 31, 2014 by writergal

[HappyLove]

Yea he's most likely been lying to you for a while. Especially when he had a "coffee date"! That's totally an online thing. Unfortunately this happens ALL THE TIME with people online. The men lead a woman on and keep their profiles up and keep looking for the "better" option. His "friend" set him up, yea right. Good for you for dumping his azz. He probably takes all his online women to meet the family and that's why they've met so many. You're better off OP. Did you know him from online too or work?

[Leigh 87]

He just wasn't that into you even if he tells you he really likes you until he is blue in the face

 

I only date guys who are smitten with me. They are in love with me by 5 months, NOT online or going on coffee dates with girls from online and then lying about it (saying his friend set h up).

 

Some couples need a COUPLE of months before they figure out if they are into each other and compatible enough to begin a relationship. FIVE months though? That guy was just NOT into you.

 

He may be upset about you ending things but he didn't like you ENOUGH to lock you down.

[firmness]

This poor guy is not here to defend himself, so I hope the adult members here keep that in mind. A few signs do not equal cheater. Good people keep getting burned over this national obsession over cheating. This makes everyone cynical and destabilizes all relationships in the long run. Please do not contribute to this.

 

I have come to a conclusion (for now) regarding this sort of thing. If I feel insecure, uncertain, or that something shady is happening it is either one of two things:

 

1. It is all in my head and I am just seeing signs where there are none. Without any evidence to prove my suspicions I must tell my girlfriend that we have to split because I am not stable enough to be in a relationship with her. That is the most honest and ethical thing to do - and the least selfish.

 

2. It is her. She is either cheating, or doing things that would make the average man feel like something is wrong. In this case, I must tell her that we have to split up. Modern women will not tolerate a man telling them that how they dress, or act, or respond via text, or body language or anything else is making him feel uncertain- so there is no way to communicate this sort of thing.

 

Not only do people not change based on such things (remember - you cannot change another person), but they are also likely to see you as "insecure" which is a term that is thrown around too loosely these days. Feeling this way can be provoked in very secure people. The main difference in my view is that an insecure person would stay. A secure person will walk away from such foolishness.