Am I being too paranoid? Boyfriend acting strange

[chakra_str0ng]

I don't know where to really start... I've been with my boyfriend, with whom I live with, for a little over 4 years now and I'm extremely stressed out about some stuff that I've noticed. I don't know if this is me being paranoid or if I'm drawing the right conclusions from what I know.

 

First off, he has been decently honest in the past. I did trust him before this but recently he's been so secretive. He got a new job working at a store almost full time about 2 months ago. A few weeks into his job he told me about this girl that had "big boobs and a big butt," according to him. He told me that she had a boyfriend and that he'd ask her if they wanted to hang out, as a double date, and she kept saying that her boyfriend wasn't cool with that. A couple of weeks after that, we had a conversation that he initiated with him saying that "hanging out with her during breaks would be weird" and I agreed. Around the same time he began saying how he's not going to talk to her because his other co-worker is into her and he didn't want to intrude on that.

 

At that point, it seemed as though he was not that cool with her anymore and they don't talk that often. A few days after that I looked through his phone and I found sent texts to her, but no messages from her in his inbox (he has a basic phone, so he has an inbox, outbox, sent, etc). The texts he had sent were flirty in nature and he was asking her things like when her break was, if she had wanted to hang out during break, and when she works. I also want to include that during all of this, I usually text him when he works and he pretty much never replied. I asked him what his relationship with her was, exactly and he was completely vague about it, his exact answer being "I don't know, man." I then asked him if he was deleting her texts and he said no, lying to my face. After saying that I saw his phone, he finally admitted it.

 

This brought me to my first question: Why delete things if there's nothing going on?

I have no problems with him talking to any of his coworkers, but I feel as though this situation is completely disrespectful to me and to our relationship. He tried to explain to me that how she acts towards him is an "ego boost." If it is an ego boost and he enjoys it, then does he do anything to bring on that behaviour from her?

 

After that whole situation, I told him that I'm not going to ask him to stop talking to her because that is far-fetched, seeing as that she is his coworker and he sees her often; I didn't want to make it awkward for him at his work. I did say however, that what he was doing, asking her when she works and asking her to spend her breaks with him, is weird seeing as that he is in a serious relationship.

 

We only have one car and both he and his brother share it. His brother usually drops him off of work and picks him up. I decided to help out a couple nights and went to go pick him up. I later saw that his brother texted him every time that I went to go pick him up, asking him if it was "ok for me to go pick him up." I don't understand why he, my boyfriend, would need a heads up that I'm coming to pick him up. In addition to that, there have been times where my boyfriend worked late and I told his brother that I wanted to go pick him up, and he didn't let me go, saying that he needed to go pick him up because he needed to buy cigarettes. I confronted my boyfriend about his brother texting him every time I went to go pick him up and he replied saying, "I just wanted to know if you knew how to get there." This made no sense, however, seeing as that his brother texted him first and that I've been there multiple times.

 

My boyfriend now keeps his phone sparkling clean. He knows that I look through his phone and when he doesn't work, he leaves it out in the open for me to see where it is. However, the days he works, he literally hides his phone. He's kept it in a drawer in the kitchen, in a laundry bag, leaves it in the car. Whenever he uses his phone, he doesn't do it in front of me, he goes outside.

 

Lastly, (here's the paranoia kicking in)... we have 3 car keys and I had one that I kept on me, just in case (his brother loses everything, always) and his brother had 2 of them. He specifically asked me many times for the key that I had and tried to keep it from me. I didn't really think anything of it, so I just took it back, seeing as that his brother, who always drives him, had one and didn't necessarily need the one I had. He saw that I took the car key back and now tonight, a night he works late on, he's driving himself home from work. I thought that it might be a gas issue, that maybe they didn't have enough gas for his brother to drop him off, go home, pick him up from work and go home again. However, his brother drove him to work and is bringing his car back to him and then my boyfriend is going to drive himself home tonight. Is that not wasting more gas?

 

I don't know what to do, I feel as though there is something that I am missing. I wanted to know other people's opinions on whether or not I am being paranoid. Am I drawing the wrong conclusions from this information? I was happy in my relationship and I am not trying to fish for anything, but I will not just sit here and let him potentially walk all over me. I tried to be as objective as I possibly can (it's kind of hard, however, seeing as how this impacts me 100% and I am extremely stressed out).

(Sorry this is so long, tried to be thorough.)

Edited May 21, 2014 by chakra_str0ng
Added information

[mammasita]

You're not missing anything, he's clearly up to something not good.

 

How old are you and he?

[chakra_str0ng]

We're both 22. I may be a bit of a push-over sometimes, especially when it comes to him... I'm extremely stressed because there is something I'm missing, but I don't know what it is or how serious it is. However, this is going through extreme measures to hide something as simple as just him talking to her...

 

Also, thank you for your quick response, mammasita!

[pteromom]

he told me about this girl that had "big boobs and a big butt," according to him. He told me that she had a boyfriend and that he'd ask her if they wanted to hang out, as a double date, and she kept saying that her boyfriend wasn't cool with that.

 

This is a standard tactic. He brought her up and came up with a scenario that would explain why they are talking/texting in case you hear or see something.

 

Around the same time he began saying how he's not going to talk to her because his other co-worker is into her and he didn't want to intrude on that.

 

Then, he unnecessarily reinforces to you that HE isn't interested in her.

 

This brought me to my first question: Why delete things if there's nothing going on?

 

Exactly. People with nothing to hide hide nothing.

 

He tried to explain to me that how she acts towards him is an "ego boost." If it is an ego boost and he enjoys it, then does he do anything to bring on that behaviour from her?

 

...and why is an "ego boost" more important than protecting his relationship with you?

 

How would he feel if there was some guy pursuing YOU, and you let it go on for an "ego boost"?

 

He is likely sleeping with her, but at a minimum, he's got a crush on her. You have many many clues, from his "sparkling clean" phone which he hides from you, his brother's heads-up calls, his secretive behavior... I don't know how much evidence you need.

 

Even JUST going by what you know for sure... is this the relationship you want? Where your boyfriend flirts with co-workers for an ego boost, hides texts from you, and acts shady?

 

If you insist on more evidence, you can always enlist a friend to drive you down to his work around quitting time and see what is going on for yourself.

[chakra_str0ng]

This is a standard tactic. He brought her up and came up with a scenario that would explain why they are talking/texting in case you hear or see something.

 

 

 

Then, he unnecessarily reinforces to you that HE isn't interested in her.

 

 

 

Exactly. People with nothing to hide hide nothing.

 

 

 

...and why is an "ego boost" more important than protecting his relationship with you?

 

How would he feel if there was some guy pursuing YOU, and you let it go on for an "ego boost"?

 

He is likely sleeping with her, but at a minimum, he's got a crush on her. You have many many clues, from his "sparkling clean" phone which he hides from you, his brother's heads-up calls, his secretive behavior... I don't know how much evidence you need.

 

Even JUST going by what you know for sure... is this the relationship you want? Where your boyfriend flirts with co-workers for an ego boost, hides texts from you, and acts shady?

 

If you insist on more evidence, you can always enlist a friend to drive you down to his work around quitting time and see what is going on for yourself.

 

 

We both live with his brother, his brother would immediately let him know if I left the house. There is no way for me to "catch him"... We just recently moved to a new state so I don't really have any friends down here and I don't have a job so there aren't any co-workers either.

[mammasita]

We're both 22. I may be a bit of a push-over sometimes, especially when it comes to him... I'm extremely stressed because there is something I'm missing, but I don't know what it is or how serious it is. However, this is going through extreme measures to hide something as simple as just him talking to her...

 

Also, thank you for your quick response, mammasita!

 

The reason I ask about age is because IMO, it's very relevant....I know some may disagree. You've been with this guy since you and he were 18 years old. You're both still extremely young, him even younger mentally.

 

Again, you're missing nothing. Trust your gut.

 

His brother insisting on picking him up, his behavior changing, the texts to her, the boob and butt comment.....

 

This isnt the time in your where you need to be stressing about a boy and wondering if he hes flirting and texting with his coworker and cheating on you. I garuntee you if your BF hasn't already, he's one step away from cheating.....and that's enough for me to call it quits.

[pteromom]

We both live with his brother, his brother would immediately let him know if I left the house. There is no way for me to "catch him"... We just recently moved to a new state so I don't really have any friends down here and I don't have a job so there aren't any co-workers either.

 

You need to make some friends! What if he IS cheating? Do you have a plan for what you will do?

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, I don't think you're paranoid. Something is not right and his behaviour is suspicious. I think it's rather obvious he likes her; if they were only ever friends, he wouldn't feel the need not to talk to her because it "would be weird" or because his friend likes her and he doesn't want to "interfere." That makes zero sense, especially if she actually has a boyfriend. Why would he want to give his work buddy a wide berth to hit on her if she's not single?

 

The borderline flirty texts, deleted messages and over-protective behaviour with the phone compound his previous comments about her. He's up to no good, I believe.

[chakra_str0ng]

You need to make some friends! What if he IS cheating? Do you have a plan for what you will do?

 

Of course, I wouldn't be living with him if there was no way out. There's no way of me making friends honestly. He doesn't let me meet his coworkers. His one coworker gave him a ride to work one day when his brother was using his car and he told me not to stand on the porch (I was smoking a cigarette) because I "wasn't ready (had no makeup on and was wearing sweatpants)/looked bummy". That coworker also parked in a different parking lot. And his other coworker with whom he's been out with before, he didn't want me to come.

[chakra_str0ng]

Unfortunately, I don't think you're paranoid. Something is not right and his behaviour is suspicious. I think it's rather obvious he likes her; if they were only ever friends, he wouldn't feel the need not to talk to her because it "would be weird" or because his friend likes her and he doesn't want to "interfere." That makes zero sense, especially if she actually has a boyfriend. Why would he want to give his work buddy a wide berth to hit on her if she's not single?

 

The borderline flirty texts, deleted messages and over-protective behaviour with the phone compound his previous comments about her. He's up to no good, I believe.

 

She's supposedly single since about a week ago. She also told him randomly at work that she cuts herself... That seems like a private matter that you don't bring up to just anyone.

[ExpatInItaly]

Of course, I wouldn't be living with him if there was no way out. There's no way of me making friends honestly. He doesn't let me meet his coworkers. His one coworker gave him a ride to work one day when his brother was using his car and he told me not to stand on the porch (I was smoking a cigarette) because I "wasn't ready (had no makeup on and was wearing sweatpants)/looked bummy". That coworker also parked in a different parking lot. And his other coworker with whom he's been out with before, he didn't want me to come.

 

Oh, girl. This is bad I think they either A) don't know about you, or B) he's very worried they'll blow his cover and you'll find out the painful reality

 

I have no doubt in my mind now he's being/been unfaithful to you. Sorry, OP. I think you need to prepare your back-up plan immediately.

 

P.S. Find yourself a job. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet in any case.

[pteromom]

There's no way of me making friends honestly. He doesn't let me meet his coworkers. His one coworker gave him a ride to work one day when his brother was using his car and he told me not to stand on the porch (I was smoking a cigarette) because I "wasn't ready (had no makeup on and was wearing sweatpants)/looked bummy". That coworker also parked in a different parking lot. And his other coworker with whom he's been out with before, he didn't want me to come.

 

Oh f*** that. You are givign him way too much control over your life.

 

How about you start going for a walk every day and trying to meet your neighbors?

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a tool. Who moves to a new city and starts a new life with new friends while leaving his gf at home alone with nobody?

[chakra_str0ng]

Oh f*** that. You are givign him way too much control over your life.

 

How about you start going for a walk every day and trying to meet your neighbors?

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a tool. Who moves to a new city and starts a new life with new friends while leaving his gf at home alone with nobody?

 

Yeah, this post makes me feel really stupid, sad and alone. Thank you for your help everybody. You all said things I should know, but it's always hard to "Practice what you preach."

[pteromom]

You aren't stupid. You are in love. And you are in your relationship ASSUMING that your boyfriend has the same level of commitment and love that you do.

 

Unfortunately your feelings have allowed him to take advantage of you. He now gets to come home to you at night, while he builds up this whole life for himself outside your home (whether or not it includes cheating).

 

If you want to stay and see what happens with the possible-cheating thing, you DO need to have a talk with him. Tell him you are alone at home and have nobody, and you want to make friends and go out and have fun too.

 

Ask him if you can have a small party at your place to meet some of his coworkers.

 

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he goes out of his way to keep them away from you, there is a reason!

 

Next time you go to pick him up, get out of the car. Walk into his workplace. Say hi to other people.

 

Take control of the situation.

[chakra_str0ng]

You aren't stupid. You are in love. And you are in your relationship ASSUMING that your boyfriend has the same level of commitment and love that you do.

 

Unfortunately your feelings have allowed him to take advantage of you. He now gets to come home to you at night, while he builds up this whole life for himself outside your home (whether or not it includes cheating).

 

If you want to stay and see what happens with the possible-cheating thing, you DO need to have a talk with him. Tell him you are alone at home and have nobody, and you want to make friends and go out and have fun too.

 

Ask him if you can have a small party at your place to meet some of his coworkers.

 

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he goes out of his way to keep them away from you, there is a reason!

 

Next time you go to pick him up, get out of the car. Walk into his workplace. Say hi to other people.

 

Take control of the situation.

 

Thank you, I needed this.

[ExpatInItaly]

You aren't stupid. You are in love. And you are in your relationship ASSUMING that your boyfriend has the same level of commitment and love that you do.

 

Unfortunately your feelings have allowed him to take advantage of you. He now gets to come home to you at night, while he builds up this whole life for himself outside your home (whether or not it includes cheating).

 

If you want to stay and see what happens with the possible-cheating thing, you DO need to have a talk with him. Tell him you are alone at home and have nobody, and you want to make friends and go out and have fun too.

 

Ask him if you can have a small party at your place to meet some of his coworkers.

 

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he goes out of his way to keep them away from you, there is a reason!

 

Next time you go to pick him up, get out of the car. Walk into his workplace. Say hi to other people.

 

Take control of the situation.

 

I was just about to suggest the same thing. Even though the relationship sounds like it's on shaky ground anyway, I would do this just to gauge his and his co-workers' reactions. I think it will speak volumes.