Would an apology from OW/OM even matter?

[tornapart2002]

Lately I've been viewing the OW's social media pages. I know...I don't know why! I guess I wonder if she ever regrets things she did or not. I mean..who cares if she does or doesn't right? But I want to find some kind of humanity in her. Again..why do I care if I am moving forward with my life? It's something to discuss with my counselor and I plan to.

 

So, anyhow, she's been leaving this little cryptic messages that I think are directed at me with things like "there is one thing I did in my past that I grieve over. It wasn't meant to happen. Other people kept me from expressing my sadness and I wish nothing but the best for your family." Then stuff about "people kept me from doing what I should" and "I can't risk people or things to do this.."

 

I have NO idea if any of this is about me or not, but I guess what bothers me is that she is in the midst of a divorce. I don't know what she is risking my saying she is sorry for something. Her husband left her..partially over this but partially beause he is involved in his own affair and is a pretty huge jackass.

 

But then I think...would I even want an apology from the OW anyhow? Like her word is about as crap as WS's right after the affair was uncovered and maybe even now?

 

In your case...would you want an apology or would you spit it back in their face? Or don't you even care? Now, I know I shouldn't care, so you don't need to tell me that. And, yes, this is something that has been on my mind lately, but I have a feeling it will be back off my mind before too long as I continue moving forward in my life. I have a feeling someday it won't even matter to me, since I'm almost at that point now.

[harrybrown]

Keep doing the 180 with her.

 

You can not believe what she says.

 

Yes, it would be nice to have an apology, but I want the OM to stay away from my family.

 

Keep his distance. He is not worth going to jail.

 

She is not worth the time you are spending on her.

[ChooseTruth]

OM gave me an apology of sorts...it did help some.

[nightmare01]

To answer your question. A VERY definite... Maybe.

 

I think a apology from OM would mean something. If it were sincere it would mean that he grasps the significant damage he has brought into my life. And that I didnt deserve what happened. I didnt deserve to be cheated on.

 

I might (probably) still curse. yell. and scream at him. But in the end I think it would be a net positive.

 

OTOH it could be some sign he wants to get back into WWs pants. Showing he is a *good guy* as a sneaky way of reeling her back in. I dunno.

[Sub]

If I think of the OM and the things he did/said, it still elicits a fair amount of anger. But an apology wouldn't have any effect on that. I wouldn't expect, care for, or want one.

[tornapart2002]

Thank you for the wake up call I needed. And you are absolutely right. I don't get my need to see good in people? Why can't I just admit some people are just screwed up beyond repair? I guess because I was raised a Christian and we are told that isn't true. Stll, it isn't my job to find that "humanity" in her. It is her own and God's.

 

Keep doing the 180 with her.

 

You can not believe what she says.

 

Yes, it would be nice to have an apology, but I want the OM to stay away from my family.

 

Keep his distance. He is not worth going to jail.

 

She is not worth the time you are spending on her.

[tornapart2002]

I heard she's having an affair with another man. The husband of a close friend of hers. Maybe she is talking about that affair, for all I know. she is several states away from me know and I know that in the long run none of this will matter ... apology or not, I have to work toward forgiveness.

[Sub]

... apology or not, I have to work toward forgiveness.

 

I don't think you do, to be honest. The effort would be better spent on other things. You can let her just fade into history without forgiving her.

[tornapart2002]

Really, I can't. It's just not the way I am wired. Though, I understand where you are coming from. My issue will not be so much forgiveness as forgetting. I will NEVER forget what was done to me...by either part involved. Forgiveness is a process, though. Not something you just click your fingers and do. It's something you say to yourself you will work toward and then you do. It could be years and years into my future before I ever really forgive (I'm not there yet) but my commitment to at least try my best to do so is there.

 

I'm not going to spend too much effort on it, however. :-)I'm pretty early in this whole process so I'm continuing to process it all. Yes, today's word is: process.

 

I don't think you do, to be honest. The effort would be better spent on other things. You can let her just fade into history without forgiving her.

[BrokenPrincess]

Torn, do you know the OW?

 

Just curious as I'm a MOW who was also long distance from my xMM. I don't know his BS and it would never occur to me to apologize to her. Idk maybe if she'd contacted me & I heard the pain in her voice/words, I would spontaneously apologize but otherwise, it would never occur to me to proactively send an apology to her as a virtual stranger.

 

Thanks for your insight...wishing you peace soon xxx

[tornapart2002]

If you're asking, "Did I hang out with her?" or "Was she a friend?" no.Bu she sure as hell knew who I was. She knew what she was doing and tried to do for three years. She stalked my page and liked every single photo of my child on Facebook. She did the same with my husband. She sent me a message once asking to use some of my photos of local flooding to show friends. It's not like I was some vaque concept to her and she had no idea who I was or that I was married to him.

 

Did he tell her our marriage was over? He says he never did, but even if he did that will never excuse her from sleeping with a married man and trying to take him from his wife and his young son, simply because her husband had cheated on her, was cheating on her, and her life was falling down around her.

 

It's called human decency. At least the desire t apologize to the person you hurt. The problem is that many OW's don't see the wife as anyone. They view them as a no one. Non existant. Not a real person. Not a human being worth their time..both during the affair and afterwards. They think their affair is between that man and themselves, never thinking that they have selfishly inserted themselves into a union that was mean for two people, even if they were invited to do so by the husband.

 

I was, actually, invited to do so, within a month after I learned of my husband's affair. It was a by a married man who tried to prey on my vulnerable state and bring me into his marriage because he wanted some fun. The catch? His wife had no idea I would be part of their marriage..a secret part. What a moron he was to think I would agree to do that....to treat her like a non-entity the same way I had been treated. I asked him to get counseling, to talk to his wife, and to please not do to her what had been done to me. I have no idea if he did cheat on her or not, but I know he would have had an affair with anyone at that point. I was not special. I was someone vulnerable that he thought he could use.

 

BTW, I don't know your situation at all so please don't take this as some kind of criticism toward you. This is just howI feel about my situation.

 

Torn, do you know the OW?

 

Just curious as I'm a MOW who was also long distance from my xMM. I don't know his BS and it would never occur to me to apologize to her. Idk maybe if she'd contacted me & I heard the pain in her voice/words, I would spontaneously apologize but otherwise, it would never occur to me to proactively send an apology to her as a virtual stranger.

 

Thanks for your insight...wishing you peace soon xxx

[tornapart2002]

Addition: thank you for wishing me peace. I also wish for peace for the WS and BS in your situation because it is a hard one to be involved in. AND also wish peace for you, if that is what you need.

 

I think one shouldn't have to hear the pain in someone's voice to know that it has to be there after having their heart, their trust, their love betrayed.

 

That still does NOT mean I think you were wrong in your choice not to apologize. Please do not take this wrong. Truly!

 

Torn, do you know the OW?

 

Just curious as I'm a MOW who was also long distance from my xMM. I don't know his BS and it would never occur to me to apologize to her. Idk maybe if she'd contacted me & I heard the pain in her voice/words, I would spontaneously apologize but otherwise, it would never occur to me to proactively send an apology to her as a virtual stranger.

 

Thanks for your insight...wishing you peace soon xxx

[WasOtherWoman]

I

 

It's called human decency. At least the desire t apologize to the person you hurt. The problem is that many OW's don't see the wife as anyone. They view them as a no one. Non existant. Not a real person. Not a human being worth their time..both during the affair and afterwards. They think their affair is between that man and themselves, never thinking that they have selfishly inserted themselves into a union that was mean for two people, even if they were invited to do so by the husband.

 

 

I know that there are a few OW on this board who do feel this way, and are vocal about it. I believe the word collateral damage has been used a number of times regarding this subject.

 

But, honestly, I really don't think most OW's feel this way....I certainly didn't. For whatever it is worth, when I was an OW i DID care about his then wife's feelings. I really did. I just cared about mine more. It is not pretty, but this is just blatantly honest. This was nothing I had done before, and certainly was not something I would have engaged in again. I knew, the entire time, that the way we began our relationship was wrong.

 

I don't think most of the current and XOW's on here truly view the wife as a non-person.

[soccerrprp]

Frankly, if I were in such a situation, an apology would not be desired nor mitigate the damage done. The FACT remains, that he/she CONSCIOUSLY and with PREMEDITATION chose to do harm, destroy and undermine my feelings. As we all know, it's often easy to apologize after doing the deed. Again, infidelity is non-reconcilable with me, so an apology wouldn't do anything for me.

[Hope Shimmers]

The problem is that many OW's don't see the wife as anyone. They view them as a no one. Non existant. Not a real person. Not a human being worth their time..both during the affair and afterwards.

 

I also don't believe that most OW feel this way. My situation was a little different in that it didn't start out as an affair, as they were separated. But she was furious with me for dating her H and told me she would hunt me down and kill me.

 

So I didn't apologize that time... but the second time, after years had passed and he still had not gone through with the divorce and was still stringing both of us along, I did apologize.

 

I certainly don't see the wife as a 'no one'. Exactly the opposite. I was the interloper, and I own that.

 

I would never have NOT apologized. But after reading some posts on here how some BSs would hate to hear it and would spew anger and hatred, I don't know that I would have done it if I had known that. I figured everyone wanted an apology when they were wronged. The apology was not about me, it was about her.

[tornapart2002]

It may not be how they feel but it's how they sound often to me. In my case, I absolutely feel she saw me as a non person and only now, after her husband left her for a teenager (no kidding!) does she see me as a person, because she is now on the other side of the situation.

 

HOWEVER, I do not mean ALL FOWs feel this way. Not at all. OF course there are many who have a conscience and actually feel bad about what they did. I do know that. I do apologize if my statement came out as a blanket one against everyone. I meant "many but not all." Thank you for clarifying.

 

I know that there are a few OW on this board who do feel this way, and are vocal about it. I believe the word collateral damage has been used a number of times regarding this subject.

 

But, honestly, I really don't think most OW's feel this way....I certainly didn't. For whatever it is worth, when I was an OW i DID care about his then wife's feelings. I really did. I just cared about mine more. It is not pretty, but this is just blatantly honest. This was nothing I had done before, and certainly was not something I would have engaged in again. I knew, the entire time, that the way we began our relationship was wrong.

 

I don't think most of the current and XOW's on here truly view the wife as a non-person.

[tornapart2002]

Many BSs are very angry when they post on here. Early on in their hurt so I am sure that's why they respond that way. I think what you did was right, even if it was hard. Even if a BS spits an apology back in the face of an OW/OM, at least the effort was made. Maybe it is trying to be made in my situation too. If so, then, part of me appreciates the effort...but honestly? It's over a year too late in some ways. That's how I feel at the moment, but that doesn't mean I totally would reject it. It just means...I don't know what the hell to feel right now.

 

I also don't believe that most OW feel this way. My situation was a little different in that it didn't start out as an affair, as they were separated. But she was furious with me for dating her H and told me she would hunt me down and kill me.

 

So I didn't apologize that time... but the second time, after years had passed and he still had not gone through with the divorce and was still stringing both of us along, I did apologize.

 

I certainly don't see the wife as a 'no one'. Exactly the opposite. I was the interloper, and I own that.

 

I would never have NOT apologized. But after reading some posts on here how some BSs would hate to hear it and would spew anger and hatred, I don't know that I would have done it if I had known that. I figured everyone wanted an apology when they were wronged. The apology was not about me, it was about her.

[Timmos]

"Yes, it would be nice to have an apology, but I want the OM to stay away from my family.

 

Keep his distance. He is not worth going to jail."

 

Pretty much this. If I were to see him, it would end badly. No apology is worth that. Besides, if he wants to apologize to me, he should open a vein.

[AmyBamy]

Not for me. I actually called my ex husband's girlfriend when trying to figure out a phone bill one night. I had no idea who she was or why the number kept showing up and I called and she answered and I knew then that he was seeing her. I simply told her that I was his wife and wondered why he was contacting her at all hours of the night. She denied everything and acted like he and her brother were friends and "that's probably who he's calling". I said okay and hung up.

 

When I confronted my ex husband about it that night, he denied it too, but I knew. He didn't have to admit it I just knew. And I was done. It was a Friday night and on Monday morning the following week I filed for divorce. I also asked him to move out of the house that night and he did. And that was that. He was worried that I was going to confront the girlfriend and expressed as much to me. Said he loved her and she was a sweet girl and he didn't want me to mess with her. I had no intentions of doing so.

 

I am not a girl that is afraid to have confrontation at all. I knew the girl since childhood and I honestly had absolutely no ill feelings towards her at all. She knew we were married and there was no denying that she knowingly had an affair with the man I was married to at that time. Still no hard feelings towards her. Every bit of my anger was at him. Every bit of my hurt was from him.

 

I told him very plainly that I had no issues with her unless she made that happen and she never did. I didn't harass her or stalk her or do anything about or to her. I had no desire to no need to and never once considered it. I just removed myself from the equation quickly and thoroughly. My Grandmother always told me to never be someone's option and I have always taken that to heart. If someone doesn't want me in their life, I'm gone, and as I said earlier, if they regret it later, it's not my problem, they are the one that has to live with that and the consequences of their choices and actions.

[whatatangledweb]

No, I don't want one nor would I accept one. What good would it be? She wouldn't have been sorry until after it ended. Not while it happened so it would come off as untrue.

[AmyBamy]

It may not be how they feel but it's how they sound often to me. In my case, I absolutely feel she saw me as a non person and only now, after her husband left her for a teenager (no kidding!) does she see me as a person, because she is now on the other side of the situation.

 

HOWEVER, I do not mean ALL FOWs feel this way. Not at all. OF course there are many who have a conscience and actually feel bad about what they did. I do know that. I do apologize if my statement came out as a blanket one against everyone. I meant "many but not all." Thank you for clarifying.

 

I didn't see my exMMs wife as a non-person or non-existent at all. I did not apologize to her though and I don't feel that I have anything to apologize for. I honestly don't feel as if I did anything to her. Once I found out my exMM was married I did make a decision to carry on with him. But I very much see it as his job and issue to communicate with his wife and handle his marriage. He and I's relationship was absolutely nothing to do with theirs and vice versa. I wouldn't ever go into her home, her work, or put myself in her life at all. And I didn't. Her husband came into my home, my work, my life, and put himself in my life not the other way around.

 

It is not my job to make sure that everyone else in the world is doing right by everyone else in the world. I make my own decisions and live my life and sometimes people mistreat me and do me wrong and I handle it. I don't expect others to insert themselves into my life to assure that I'm making decisions that they agree with and think are best for me and my relationships. That's how I see an AP confronting the BS. And why I don't think it's necessary for an AP to apologize to the BS.

 

The only person who needs to apologize to anyone imo is the WS who is dishonest with the BS. They should apologize for the dishonesty but not even the affair imo. It's not the affair that hurts the BS it's the dishonesty and being blind to what's going on I think. But having an affair is simply starting a new relationship without ending an old one all nice and neat. To me it just isn't that big of a deal. Of course I wouldn't reconcile with someone who did that to me either so I don't see any reason to apologize or preserve anything more than necessary (coparenting children, etc.).

 

And then there are those BSs that knew about the affair and didn't react at all in any way. That was the wife of my exMM. She was well aware and was only angry when he decided to divorce her. So in our case definitely no apology needed. She is angry about the divorce not the relationship that he and I had.

[Red123]

I don't want one but I also believe I would never get one. We never knew one another and I don't believe I was ever a real person for her. Since Dday when she has contacted my H I have read all of the contact and I am always HER never my name which my H uses in the responses. She also never used her Hs name even though my H did. Maybe it was easier for her to not in order to keep thinking she wasn't harming anyone. She also argued with my H that what they had wasn't an A because it was real and not cheap like all As are in her mind. Weird thing is this wasn't her first one and the actual full blown A lasted a month. So really I don't think she has a great grasp on the reality of this so an apology would probably never come.

[tornapart2002]

I have to agree in a lot of ways. My anger for her has faded a bit over time. It comes and goes. My anger toward him has only gotten better because of some very drastic changes he has made since I blew this all out of the water. Do I still have anger for him? Absolutely. It's not as intense, but it is there. I think you were a strong person for just sending him out the door. your husband loved that woman and said so and wanted to protect her. My husband did not protect her, but did not throw her under the bus either. He took responsiblity, not right away, but eventually.

 

Not for me. I actually called my ex husband's girlfriend when trying to figure out a phone bill one night. I had no idea who she was or why the number kept showing up and I called and she answered and I knew then that he was seeing her. I simply told her that I was his wife and wondered why he was contacting her at all hours of the night. She denied everything and acted like he and her brother were friends and "that's probably who he's calling". I said okay and hung up.

 

When I confronted my ex husband about it that night, he denied it too, but I knew. He didn't have to admit it I just knew. And I was done. It was a Friday night and on Monday morning the following week I filed for divorce. I also asked him to move out of the house that night and he did. And that was that. He was worried that I was going to confront the girlfriend and expressed as much to me. Said he loved her and she was a sweet girl and he didn't want me to mess with her. I had no intentions of doing so.

 

I am not a girl that is afraid to have confrontation at all. I knew the girl since childhood and I honestly had absolutely no ill feelings towards her at all. She knew we were married and there was no denying that she knowingly had an affair with the man I was married to at that time. Still no hard feelings towards her. Every bit of my anger was at him. Every bit of my hurt was from him.

 

I told him very plainly that I had no issues with her unless she made that happen and she never did. I didn't harass her or stalk her or do anything about or to her. I had no desire to no need to and never once considered it. I just removed myself from the equation quickly and thoroughly. My Grandmother always told me to never be someone's option and I have always taken that to heart. If someone doesn't want me in their life, I'm gone, and as I said earlier, if they regret it later, it's not my problem, they are the one that has to live with that and the consequences of their choices and actions.

[tornapart2002]

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. Therefore I won't. It simply boggles my mind to think this is how people really feel. Your relationships had nothing to do with each other? I'm closing this comment out because I can't even fathom how your brain even works.

 

Good luck getting through life that way.

 

I hope the same is never done to you.

 

I didn't see my exMMs wife as a non-person or non-existent at all. I did not apologize to her though and I don't feel that I have anything to apologize for. I honestly don't feel as if I did anything to her. Once I found out my exMM was married I did make a decision to carry on with him. But I very much see it as his job and issue to communicate with his wife and handle his marriage. He and I's relationship was absolutely nothing to do with theirs and vice versa. I wouldn't ever go into her home, her work, or put myself in her life at all. And I didn't. Her husband came into my home, my work, my life, and put himself in my life not the other way around.

 

It is not my job to make sure that everyone else in the world is doing right by everyone else in the world. I make my own decisions and live my life and sometimes people mistreat me and do me wrong and I handle it. I don't expect others to insert themselves into my life to assure that I'm making decisions that they agree with and think are best for me and my relationships. That's how I see an AP confronting the BS. And why I don't think it's necessary for an AP to apologize to the BS.

 

The only person who needs to apologize to anyone imo is the WS who is dishonest with the BS. They should apologize for the dishonesty but not even the affair imo. It's not the affair that hurts the BS it's the dishonesty and being blind to what's going on I think. But having an affair is simply starting a new relationship without ending an old one all nice and neat. To me it just isn't that big of a deal. Of course I wouldn't reconcile with someone who did that to me either so I don't see any reason to apologize or preserve anything more than necessary (coparenting children, etc.).

 

And then there are those BSs that knew about the affair and didn't react at all in any way. That was the wife of my exMM. She was well aware and was only angry when he decided to divorce her. So in our case definitely no apology needed. She is angry about the divorce not the relationship that he and I had.

[Speakingofwhich]

I called the OW to my H (she worked for him) and asked her if she was with him and she denied it as did he. I learned many years later they both lied about it.

 

Other than to know what was truth, I didn't really care about her for any reason. Have never had anger toward her or any emotion at all. Guess you could say I was "meh" about her.

 

My emotion was directed toward my H.

 

The OW to my fiance actually called me after she married him to ask me how I dealt with him as she was having a lot of problems with him. I talked to her some, actually commiserating with her. I had never confronted her just because even though I had been engaged to him I knew it had been best for us to break up. She was actually my ticket out of the R. OW and fiance eventually divorced. She had an OM while married to him whom she then married and is now divorcing.

 

I don't understand the vitriol some BSs have toward OW. They prob wouldn't understand how I could feel so meh about OW.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Speakingofwhich