Would an apology from OW/OM even matter?

[dichotomy]

It is ridiculous that OM could feel any guilt over this - he thinks its normal and part of life to have affairs.

 

However, their are some folks related to my WW deceptions that I think I would like an apology from - but this will sound weird - I would want this - not because I need mending from them - but because I would like them to see the light and experience regret - i would be happy for them experiencing some real humanity (not suffering). Maybe I just like to see people grow and be better people and be accountable - makes life seem right. When people go around without regret when they do hurtful things - makes me sad overall.

[TheBladeRunner]

No, it would not help, he knew what he was messing with.....my family. Him dumping her 2 weeks after I moved out was apology enough......said "He couldn't be in a relationship". Ha ha ha ha, apology accepted!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I didn't see my exMMs wife as a non-person or non-existent at all. I did not apologize to her though and I don't feel that I have anything to apologize for. I honestly don't feel as if I did anything to her. Once I found out my exMM was married I did make a decision to carry on with him. But I very much see it as his job and issue to communicate with his wife and handle his marriage. He and I's relationship was absolutely nothing to do with theirs and vice versa. I wouldn't ever go into her home, her work, or put myself in her life at all. And I didn't. Her husband came into my home, my work, my life, and put himself in my life not the other way around.

 

It is not my job to make sure that everyone else in the world is doing right by everyone else in the world. I make my own decisions and live my life and sometimes people mistreat me and do me wrong and I handle it. I don't expect others to insert themselves into my life to assure that I'm making decisions that they agree with and think are best for me and my relationships. That's how I see an AP confronting the BS. And why I don't think it's necessary for an AP to apologize to the BS.

 

The only person who needs to apologize to anyone imo is the WS who is dishonest with the BS. They should apologize for the dishonesty but not even the affair imo. It's not the affair that hurts the BS it's the dishonesty and being blind to what's going on I think. But having an affair is simply starting a new relationship without ending an old one all nice and neat. To me it just isn't that big of a deal. Of course I wouldn't reconcile with someone who did that to me either so I don't see any reason to apologize or preserve anything more than necessary (coparenting children, etc.).

 

And then there are those BSs that knew about the affair and didn't react at all in any way. That was the wife of my exMM. She was well aware and was only angry when he decided to divorce her. So in our case definitely no apology needed. She is angry about the divorce not the relationship that he and I had.

 

Wow. If the OM ever said that to me I would be serving 20-30 years in a state prison.

 

As far as the OP, I still wonder if an apology would help or hurt. I've never heard from him, so I have no idea what he thinks about his affair with my wife. He might be regretful, or he might be proud of his conquest.

[Speakingofwhich]

Guess I posted why I didn't care whether the OWs apologized or not but forgot to write how I feel about an apology from them.

 

I wouldn't have wanted to hear from the first. She was nobody to me. A sincere apology from the second would still be nice because she is someone I know and had history with prior to the betrayal of my fiance.

[tornapart2002]

I get what you mean about the apology from peole related to the deceptions. Her entire family for one. My next door neighbor, who gossiped about it at her hair salon for a full six months or more before I ever found out about it. I feel like the whole damn town new before I did, but I was in such a fog from being sick, that's one reason it went on so long. He's the worst liar ever...toward the end, when my illness ws getting better I caught him in lie after lie after lie....

 

The people in my situation go by the motto of the OW:"there are no regrets in life because you learn a lesson from all your mistakes" or some such bull****. I just found a great article about this actually:Living with No Regrets (is bulls***) | Shaunanagins

 

It is ridiculous that OM could feel any guilt over this - he thinks its normal and part of life to have affairs.

 

However, their are some folks related to my WW deceptions that I think I would like an apology from - but this will sound weird - I would want this - not because I need mending from them - but because I would like them to see the light and experience regret - i would be happy for them experiencing some real humanity (not suffering). Maybe I just like to see people grow and be better people and be accountable - makes life seem right. When people go around without regret when they do hurtful things - makes me sad overall.

[dichotomy]

I get what you mean about the apology from peole related to the deceptions. Her entire family for one. My next door neighbor, who gossiped about it at her hair salon for a full six months or more before I ever found out about it. I feel like the whole damn town new before I did, but I was in such a fog from being sick, that's one reason it went on so long. He's the worst liar ever...toward the end, when my illness ws getting better I caught him in lie after lie after lie....

 

The people in my situation go by the motto of the OW:"there are no regrets in life because you learn a lesson from all your mistakes" or some such bull****. I just found a great article about this actually:Living with No

Regrets (is bull****) | Shaunanagins

 

I agree - and this video does a good job as well about the type of people who have no regrets -

 

 

Kathryn Schulz: Don't regret regret | Talk Video | TED.com

Edited May 22, 2014 by dichotomy

[sweet_pea]

Think about it… why would someone apologize for something they don't care about, give a crap about or actually feel bad about? I mean, yes an apology would be nice but most people apologize when they actually feel the need to (aside from less than genuine ones, lol) as indicated in this thread. There are instances where apologies don't happen due to strict adherence to NC or things like that or something, which I can understand.

 

Would an apology matter in the grand scheme of things? Not really. It doesn't change anything. Would a *genuine* apology be nice? Yes!

Edited May 22, 2014 by sweet_pea

[Red123]

I didn't see my exMMs wife as a non-person or non-existent at all. I did not apologize to her though and I don't feel that I have anything to apologize for. I honestly don't feel as if I did anything to her. Once I found out my exMM was married I did make a decision to carry on with him. But I very much see it as his job and issue to communicate with his wife and handle his marriage. He and I's relationship was absolutely nothing to do with theirs and vice versa. I wouldn't ever go into her home, her work, or put myself in her life at all. And I didn't. Her husband came into my home, my work, my life, and put himself in my life not the other way around.

 

It is not my job to make sure that everyone else in the world is doing right by everyone else in the world. I make my own decisions and live my life and sometimes people mistreat me and do me wrong and I handle it. I don't expect others to insert themselves into my life to assure that I'm making decisions that they agree with and think are best for me and my relationships. That's how I see an AP confronting the BS. And why I don't think it's necessary for an AP to apologize to the BS.

 

The only person who needs to apologize to anyone imo is the WS who is dishonest with the BS. They should apologize for the dishonesty but not even the affair imo. It's not the affair that hurts the BS it's the dishonesty and being blind to what's going on I think. But having an affair is simply starting a new relationship without ending an old one all nice and neat. To me it just isn't that big of a deal. Of course I wouldn't reconcile with someone who did that to me either so I don't see any reason to apologize or preserve anything more than necessary (coparenting children, etc.).

 

And then there are those BSs that knew about the affair and didn't react at all in any way. That was the wife of my exMM. She was well aware and was only angry when he decided to divorce her. So in our case definitely no apology needed. She is angry about the divorce not the relationship that he and I had.

This is your experience in an A but there are a lot of different types and definitely different circumstances. Not all As are starting a new relationship before ending another. Some As are based in fantasy only and never lead to anything. You are entitled to your truth but it seems pretty cold to me. There's a lot of pain for a lot of us and its not that cut and dry.

[Hope Shimmers]

This is your experience in an A but there are a lot of different types and definitely different circumstances. Not all As are starting a new relationship before ending another. Some As are based in fantasy only and never lead to anything. You are entitled to your truth but it seems pretty cold to me. There's a lot of pain for a lot of us and its not that cut and dry.

 

I agree. AmyBamy, I like some of what you say, and I like your confidence in your beliefs. But I think you are wrong on this. If someone is married, there is just no way your affair with their married partner is completely separate. It is exactly the opposite. That just completely goes against the definition of marriage.

 

And I agree with Red too... not all A's are starting a new relationship before ending another. In fact most aren't.

[AmyBamy]

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. Therefore I won't. It simply boggles my mind to think this is how people really feel. Your relationships had nothing to do with each other? I'm closing this comment out because I can't even fathom how your brain even works.

 

Good luck getting through life that way.

 

I hope the same is never done to you.

 

It was done to me many years ago. And you just read my story above of how I handled it. I divorced him and they carried on. She did not owe me anything. She didn't come into my home, she didn't come into my life - my ex husband put himself in hers. That was on him not her. It's completely separate in my mind. The only thing we had in common was that I happened to be legally married to the man she was in love with. Nothing more and nothing less. She didn't assault me or harass me or stalk me. She simply loved a man that was married to someone else. She didn't do that on purpose to hurt me. She didn't seek him out and set out to cause me pain. IF that was her goal she could have done it a million ways to sunday and none of them involved him.

 

I just don't see it as a malicious thing. I don't apologize for things that I didn't do. I didn't hurt exMMs wife - he did. My ex husband hurt me not his girlfriend. I like to place blames squarely on the person who took the vows and made the promises. The others involved probably aren't spending their lives just waiting for the opportunity to have a relationship with our husbands.

[AmyBamy]

Wow. If the OM ever said that to me I would be serving 20-30 years in a state prison.

 

As far as the OP, I still wonder if an apology would help or hurt. I've never heard from him, so I have no idea what he thinks about his affair with my wife. He might be regretful, or he might be proud of his conquest.

 

Are you saying that you would literally kill someone for not feeling the need to apologize to you for the fact that YOUR spouse had an affair with them?

 

Now that boggles MY mind.

[AmyBamy]

I agree. AmyBamy, I like some of what you say, and I like your confidence in your beliefs. But I think you are wrong on this. If someone is married, there is just no way your affair with their married partner is completely separate. It is exactly the opposite. That just completely goes against the definition of marriage.

 

And I agree with Red too... not all A's are starting a new relationship before ending another. In fact most aren't.

 

I'm not a big believer in marriage so that's probably why it seems cold to some reading it. I'm not a cold person at all really. I just don't feel responsible for their marriage. I have enough to take care of in my own life that if I tried to police everyone's life I would go crazy. I realized a long time ago that I cannot save the world and that it's not my responsibility to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.

 

I did not know he was married when I entered the relationship. When I found out I carried on for a little bit and then I ended it. It isn't like I went our of my way to find her husband specifically and fall in love with him. He inserted himself into my life and led me to believe that he was legally free to be involved with me.

 

Maybe that is the difference. I just don't feel like I need to apologize to her at all. I did tell her I was sorry that he had an affair while married to her but you know she never expressed being sorry that he lied to me about married and tricking me into the whole thing. But I don't hold her responsible for his actions anymore than I think she should hold me responsible for his actions.

[underwater2010]

Nope....originally it might have helped. But now, it would just be her trying to ease her guilt. Overall....I am better than her. I value myself and my family more than she will ever value hers. Actions mean far more than words ever will.

[Trustnoone]

My WW's OM did apologize to me over the phone. Really? You're sorry?! For what exactly? Pursuing my WW? Wanting to continue the affair when she broke it off? Having sex with my WW? You're sorry for destroying two families? You're sorry for your own wife? His best line during that conversation, it was a mistake!!!! A mistake is a mathematical error in your checkbook. This was a choice that you made all by your little self. Future mistakes can be avoided by letting someone else handle your decision making. WW also apologized to me in person, and here we go again.

[tornapart2002]

You don't get that YOU helped him hurt her?

 

 

If YOU had not been there then he would not have had the outlet to hurt her.

 

When a couple is married it is not just "their own" life it is a couple's life.

 

If you don't want that unity then a person shouldn't get married.

 

But, alas, I'm a bit off topic here so I'll leave you to your opinion.

 

It was done to me many years ago. And you just read my story above of how I handled it. I divorced him and they carried on. She did not owe me anything. She didn't come into my home, she didn't come into my life - my ex husband put himself in hers. That was on him not her. It's completely separate in my mind. The only thing we had in common was that I happened to be legally married to the man she was in love with. Nothing more and nothing less. She didn't assault me or harass me or stalk me. She simply loved a man that was married to someone else. She didn't do that on purpose to hurt me. She didn't seek him out and set out to cause me pain. IF that was her goal she could have done it a million ways to sunday and none of them involved him.

 

I just don't see it as a malicious thing. I don't apologize for things that I didn't do. I didn't hurt exMMs wife - he did. My ex husband hurt me not his girlfriend. I like to place blames squarely on the person who took the vows and made the promises. The others involved probably aren't spending their lives just waiting for the opportunity to have a relationship with our husbands.

[tornapart2002]

Nope....originally it might have helped. But now, it would just be her trying to ease her guilt. Overall....I am better than her. I value myself and my family more than she will ever value hers. Actions mean far more than words ever will.

 

Wow. This struck me more than anything else. Thank you. I don't like to say I'm better than people, but I do value myself and my family more than she ever did hers. I hope it isn't true that it is more than she ever well...I do hope she learns from this, but based on her pattern for more than 15 years, I don't hold out much hope.

 

In some ways, I believe I value my family a lot more than WH does too. I think he realized that as soon as everything was out in the open and it's been a huge pill for him to swallow. He has sobbed many times and held my son and I at the weirdest times and apologized. My 7 year old has no idea why he's apologizing...even though his dad was non existant, except for being grumpy and an ass, for over a year. Maybe this was the wake up call WH needed. I just hope it isn't somethng he loses sight of again.

[tornapart2002]

Are you saying that you would literally kill someone for not feeling the need to apologize to you for the fact that YOUR spouse had an affair with them?

 

Now that boggles MY mind.

 

 

You don't seem to get something. An affair is not an individual thing. There are two people involved. Two people who could have stopped it. Two people who helped to break a person's marriage vows. This is NOT one person. It is TWO. So HIS spouse had an affair, but she had it with another person who could have stopped it. I think some people like to say it was another person so they can walk away from having any blame. Not necessarily YOU, but SOME PEOPLE would like to say they did nothing wrong. And that's what I have an issue with.

 

Even my WH, as messed up as he was recognized that HE had helped the OW break her marriage vows.

[road]

Torn, the apology may not matter. What does is that you go NC. That means indirect NC such as looking at the OM's FB.

[Sub]

They should apologize for the dishonesty but not even the affair imo. It's not the affair that hurts the BS it's the dishonesty and being blind to what's going on I think.

Without the dishonesty and being blind, though, it's not much of an affair, IMO. It's hard to separate the two.

 

But having an affair is simply starting a new relationship without ending an old one all nice and neat. To me it just isn't that big of a deal.

You're portraying an A as a simple formality. The pain experienced by most involved would seem to prove otherwise. I guess the operative words here are "to me".

[underwater2010]

Wow. This struck me more than anything else. Thank you. I don't like to say I'm better than people, but I do value myself and my family more than she ever did hers. I hope it isn't true that it is more than she ever well...I do hope she learns from this, but based on her pattern for more than 15 years, I don't hold out much hope.

 

In some ways, I believe I value my family a lot more than WH does too. I think he realized that as soon as everything was out in the open and it's been a huge pill for him to swallow. He has sobbed many times and held my son and I at the weirdest times and apologized. My 7 year old has no idea why he's apologizing...even though his dad was non existant, except for being grumpy and an ass, for over a year. Maybe this was the wake up call WH needed. I just hope it isn't somethng he loses sight of again.

 

I am glad it helped. I am also glad to hear that reality is hitting you WH. Sometimes they have to see what they stand to lose, in order to get their heads out of the butt!!!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I did sit down and talk with his BS at her request. Actually it was the second time because she was the one that knew first and confronted us and then didn't want anyone else to know, not even my husband so it was a dreadful secret between the three of us for another four months while they continued to come to our house, go to dinner as couples, church, etc. Then the second dday hit.

 

She wanted to meet with me and we did - there were lots of tears. I don't know if it helped in the end for her or not, and she said she didn't even know why she wanted to meet with me, she just did.

 

Her husband never faced my husband. He was a coward. My husband even said once not all that long ago "xmom was my friend". He feels like xmom owes him an apology but I doubt that will ever happen.

 

My husbands xmow? I never really wanted an apology really. I know why she wanted my husband. She did fall in love with him and she looked at him as a savior to another life from the one she is in now. I honestly feel compassion for her. She lost a job she loved and really her only circle of friends. I did see her around Christmas in the store. I politely smiled and said hi as she did when I passed her. It was odd but it was okay.

 

I think it really depends on the circumstances. If there were tight friendships and those were violated with an affair, then I absolutely believe an apology is in order. It might not help really, but if a sincere olive branch is extended I think it goes a long way toward being able to forgive and let go.

[Ailsa1983]

Honestly ?

 

I don't think it matters what could I say to her or husband to my xhusband ? "Sorry I banged your husband for over a year". There's no sorrow there otherwise we wouldn't have done it in the first place we could have stopped on the first occasion but we didn't we continues to bang each other until we got caught. This sounds harsh but it's the truth.

[tornapart2002]

Torn, the apology may not matter. What does is that you go NC. That means indirect NC such as looking at the OM's FB.

 

You are right. Absolutely. I'm doing it today. Thank you. I've let her take up too much of my time and mind already. And guess what? She's not worth it. Yup. Now she's the one who is non-existant and unimportant. I'm taking a page out of the OW's book who commented on here. She doesn't exist anymore. What a great feeling!! I don't say that harshly, but if I didn't exist to her then guess the hell what. That bitch doesn't exist to me either. (Language only used to seem tough not really to disparge all OWs, by the way)

 

Besides, my husband chose me, he's working hard to repair this marriage and she's alone with her three kids while her husband dumped her for a younger model. (No, I don't feel good writing that..I actually do feel bad for her. Dammit I want to be more of a bitch like she was!!!)

[PachucaSunrise]

Lately I've been viewing the OW's social media pages. I know...I don't know why! I guess I wonder if she ever regrets things she did or not. I mean..who cares if she does or doesn't right? But I want to find some kind of humanity in her. Again..why do I care if I am moving forward with my life? It's something to discuss with my counselor and I plan to.

 

So, anyhow, she's been leaving this little cryptic messages that I think are directed at me with things like "there is one thing I did in my past that I grieve over. It wasn't meant to happen. Other people kept me from expressing my sadness and I wish nothing but the best for your family." Then stuff about "people kept me from doing what I should" and "I can't risk people or things to do this.."

 

I have NO idea if any of this is about me or not, but I guess what bothers me is that she is in the midst of a divorce. I don't know what she is risking my saying she is sorry for something. Her husband left her..partially over this but partially beause he is involved in his own affair and is a pretty huge jackass.

 

But then I think...would I even want an apology from the OW anyhow? Like her word is about as crap as WS's right after the affair was uncovered and maybe even now?

 

In your case...would you want an apology or would you spit it back in their face? Or don't you even care? Now, I know I shouldn't care, so you don't need to tell me that. And, yes, this is something that has been on my mind lately, but I have a feeling it will be back off my mind before too long as I continue moving forward in my life. I have a feeling someday it won't even matter to me, since I'm almost at that point now.

 

 

At the request of the BS, I told her everything. I'm probably going to get a lot of slack for this, but in my situation, I firmly believe it was the right thing to do. I also knew that by telling her EVERYTHING, XMM would probably never forgive me, which is the chance I was willing to take. But for the first time, it wasn't about him anymore. Regardless of what she did to him in their past (cheating), she is a decent human being (and his W for God's sake!), and I was so caught up in all the negatives XMM told me about her that I completely discounted that. I'm still mortified to even say so, as I certainly should be. And I'm still very disgusted with my behaviors, but that's something I'm coming to terms with at well. She asked for the truth, I certainly believe she deserved it, and if the situation were reversed, I know I'd want the truth, too.

 

During the A, I thought about contacting her periodically, but I realized that I'd only be doing so out of spite and anger... I was more than aware of the wrong I had done, but there was no need to make an innocent person suffer because of MY poor choices. But then D-Day hit, and she began contacting me, and I started to see things in a much different light. Her H continued to feed her lies even though she thought he had laid everything out on the table... Well, he left out quite a few important details.

 

I honestly would NOT have gotten involved if she didn't reach out to me. The A was over, and how they were going to proceed with their life was not my business, but she had a very strong instinct that the whole story just didn't add up, and she was right.

 

And so I laid it all out for her (at her request), and continued to answer any and every question she had in the coming days. Please understand, though, doing this did NOT give me any sort of gratification - it was an awfully mortifying experience. And during this time, in every sense, I "got mine" so to speak. But she was very grateful for my honesty, and she began to trust what I had to say more than her H. We both agreed that it was beyond a strange situation, but she was thankful (as was I), that she was finally able to see some kind of truth, which she was not getting from him.

 

I know she doesn't care about my apology, and rightly so. I doubt if I would had I been in her shoes. And I don't expect her to ever forgive me, because really, who the hell am I to her? I'm just her H's side piece, and beyond that, I'm nobody. But honestly, at least in my case, telling her was NOT at all about me or her H. My shame, guilt, and remorse did not lessen through my truthfulness; if anything, I felt even worse. Letting the truth known was for her - so she could stop questioning everything and finally get some piece of mind.

 

I'm sure it's only normal for you to wonder if your OW is actually sorry for what she did. I certainly can't speak for her, but at least for me, I have not stopped beating myself up for my careless actions. However, there is nothing I can do to take back what I did. If there was, I'd most definitely do it in a heartbeat. The only 'wrong' I was somewhat able to make 'right' was by being completely honest with her. I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself, as I should be. And it's not because I was 'found out'; it's honestly because I never thought that I had it in me to be so selfish and careless with another person's feelings.

 

I'm sure you will begin to care less and less about this OW as time passes and you truly heal. I wouldn't be surprised if these cryptic messages were directed towards you, but it's just going to boggle your mind trying to figure that out, and I'm sure you simply don't need that right now. Do your best to forget about her and focus on YOU. I know you're probably not thrilled to hear this advice coming from 'the other side'. but just as I'm healing from doing the worst possible thing I could do to another woman, I hope you're healing in your own ways, too. I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey.

[gettingstronger]

She's a serial cheater that has been intruding some 16 months later so no, all I want is to be left alone.