Would an apology from OW/OM even matter?

[snappytomcat]

At the request of the BS, I told her everything. I'm probably going to get a lot of slack for this, but in my situation, I firmly believe it was the right thing to do. I also knew that by telling her EVERYTHING, XMM would probably never forgive me, which is the chance I was willing to take. But for the first time, it wasn't about him anymore. Regardless of what she did to him in their past (cheating), she is a decent human being (and his W for God's sake!), and I was so caught up in all the negatives XMM told me about her that I completely discounted that. I'm still mortified to even say so, as I certainly should be. And I'm still very disgusted with my behaviors, but that's something I'm coming to terms with at well. She asked for the truth, I certainly believe she deserved it, and if the situation were reversed, I know I'd want the truth, too.

 

During the A, I thought about contacting her periodically, but I realized that I'd only be doing so out of spite and anger... I was more than aware of the wrong I had done, but there was no need to make an innocent person suffer because of MY poor choices. But then D-Day hit, and she began contacting me, and I started to see things in a much different light. Her H continued to feed her lies even though she thought he had laid everything out on the table... Well, he left out quite a few important details.

 

I honestly would NOT have gotten involved if she didn't reach out to me. The A was over, and how they were going to proceed with their life was not my business, but she had a very strong instinct that the whole story just didn't add up, and she was right.

 

And so I laid it all out for her (at her request), and continued to answer any and every question she had in the coming days. Please understand, though, doing this did NOT give me any sort of gratification - it was an awfully mortifying experience. And during this time, in every sense, I "got mine" so to speak. But she was very grateful for my honesty, and she began to trust what I had to say more than her H. We both agreed that it was beyond a strange situation, but she was thankful (as was I), that she was finally able to see some kind of truth, which she was not getting from him.

 

I know she doesn't care about my apology, and rightly so. I doubt if I would had I been in her shoes. And I don't expect her to ever forgive me, because really, who the hell am I to her? I'm just her H's side piece, and beyond that, I'm nobody. But honestly, at least in my case, telling her was NOT at all about me or her H. My shame, guilt, and remorse did not lessen through my truthfulness; if anything, I felt even worse. Letting the truth known was for her - so she could stop questioning everything and finally get some piece of mind.

 

I'm sure it's only normal for you to wonder if your OW is actually sorry for what she did. I certainly can't speak for her, but at least for me, I have not stopped beating myself up for my careless actions. However, there is nothing I can do to take back what I did. If there was, I'd most definitely do it in a heartbeat. The only 'wrong' I was somewhat able to make 'right' was by being completely honest with her. I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself, as I should be. And it's not because I was 'found out'; it's honestly because I never thought that I had it in me to be so selfish and careless with another person's feelings.

 

I'm sure you will begin to care less and less about this OW as time passes and you truly heal. I wouldn't be surprised if these cryptic messages were directed towards you, but it's just going to boggle your mind trying to figure that out, and I'm sure you simply don't need that right now. Do your best to forget about her and focus on YOU. I know you're probably not thrilled to hear this advice coming from 'the other side'. but just as I'm healing from doing the worst possible thing I could do to another woman, I hope you're healing in your own ways, too. I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey.

thank you for this Pachuca,as a bs I admire your honesty,and compassion

and no to answer the question,xow wont leave me alone so I would not care for an apology

[underpants]

Sigh... Torn, an apology from somone you don't know will not help or vinicate anything.

 

What you need to ask youself is what action YOU will take due to the circumstaces presented to you. If you let this slide then prepare youself for a life of acceptance (not neccessarly with this woman, but perhaps another) or free yourself. It really, Really, is that simple.

 

Life is not fair (and all that jazz). We all get knocked down. It is however, our life to decide. You have some facts, use them.

 

I wish you healing.

[PachucaSunrise]

thank you for this Pachuca,as a bs I admire your honesty,and compassion

and no to answer the question,xow wont leave me alone so I would not care for an apology

 

 

WOW! No, STC, thank YOU - for keeping an open mind and actually taking the time to read through my post! I didn't expect to receive any positive replies, so I am very appreciative of your thoughtful answer. I certainly don't want to high-jack this thread, but I did want others to see that there truly are some OW out there who are incredibly remorseful and ashamed for their actions - and for so many reasons outside of ourselves and our own selfish pride. The terrible thing about it all is that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing we can do to change our past behaviors. I struggle with that every damn minute of every damn day. But I made my choices and now I have to live with them. And I know that I can't speak for every OW, but for me, personally, as I move forward, there will not be one day that passes that I don't think about and wholeheartedly regret the hurt I am partly to blame for causing.

 

On that same note, I, or any other OW for that matter, could apologize to the BS to the high heavens, but that will never change the reality of everything. And I very much agree with some others - what would an apology really mean, anyway? An "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" are just words, and they will NEVER, EVER be even slightly comparable to the actions and behaviors that took place beforehand. I could definitely understand how an apology might seem/feel like a slap in the face - especially if you have no idea if the OW's intentions were in fact sincere.

 

I feel for you and your personal situation dealing with your relentless OW. That must be awful. I know I have made some HUGE mistakes, but I will never understand when the OW does not know when to stop. I mean, enough is enough! I'm sure I don't have to tell you that those kinds of behaviors border the line of a true psychopath. I hope she backs off, and if not, I hope you can take the appropriate measures to get her to quit her nonsense.

 

Best of luck to you, STC, and thanks again for your reply.

[Hope Shimmers]

WOW! No, STC, thank YOU - for keeping an open mind and actually taking the time to read through my post! I didn't expect to receive any positive replies, so I am very appreciative of your thoughtful answer. I certainly don't want to high-jack this thread, but I did want others to see that there truly are some OW out there who are incredibly remorseful and ashamed for their actions - and for so many reasons outside of ourselves and our own selfish pride. The terrible thing about it all is that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing we can do to change our past behaviors. I struggle with that every damn minute of every damn day. But I made my choices and now I have to live with them. And I know that I can't speak for every OW, but for me, personally, as I move forward, there will not be one day that passes that I don't think about and wholeheartedly regret the hurt I am partly to blame for causing.

 

On that same note, I, or any other OW for that matter, could apologize to the BS to the high heavens, but that will never change the reality of everything. And I very much agree with some others - what would an apology really mean, anyway? An "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" are just words, and they will NEVER, EVER be even slightly comparable to the actions and behaviors that took place beforehand. I could definitely understand how an apology might seem/feel like a slap in the face - especially if you have no idea if the OW's intentions were in fact sincere.

 

I feel for you and your personal situation dealing with your relentless OW. That must be awful. I know I have made some HUGE mistakes, but I will never understand when the OW does not know when to stop. I mean, enough is enough! I'm sure I don't have to tell you that those kinds of behaviors border the line of a true psychopath. I hope she backs off, and if not, I hope you can take the appropriate measures to get her to quit her nonsense.

 

Best of luck to you, STC, and thanks again for your reply.

 

Pachuca, these are great posts. You are an extremely intelligent and sensitive person.

 

I feel as you do, and I too hate that there is no way to go back and change things. I don't have excuses for the way I behaved and the decisions I made, but I know that I had just lost myself and thought I could not survive without him. I was extremely broken.

 

After reading your posts I wish I had not apologized. You are right - the BS doesn't care about the OW and rightfully so - so an apology would mean nothing and might even be seen as patronizing or minimizing. I didn't think of it that way.

[Spectre]

For me, an apology would be utterly pointless, it would do nothing. The other guy saying sorry does not unbang my girlfriend.

[Hope Shimmers]

For me, an apology would be utterly pointless, it would do nothing. The other guy saying sorry does not unbang my girlfriend.

 

It seems like this is the prevailing decision of the thread. Almost everyone says they don't want an apology from the OW/OM. I hope the OW/OM here will see this thread and refrain from an apology, and I will certainly refer to this thread also, when the question comes up in the future. It is good information to have. Thank you.

[PachucaSunrise]

Pachuca, these are great posts. You are an extremely intelligent and sensitive person.

 

I feel as you do, and I too hate that there is no way to go back and change things. I don't have excuses for the way I behaved and the decisions I made, but I know that I had just lost myself and thought I could not survive without him. I was extremely broken.

 

After reading your posts I wish I had not apologized. You are right - the BS doesn't care about the OW and rightfully so - so an apology would mean nothing and might even be seen as patronizing or minimizing. I didn't think of it that way.

 

 

Hope, I really appreciate your words. Extremely intelligent?! That's AWESOME! I don't know how true that is, but it's certainly a very kind compliment and I thank you very much for it. Now, extremely sensitive?! You pegged me, haha. 100%, without a doubt! It's definitely a curse as well as a blessing.

 

I don't want to get anyone in trouble on here for going too far off on a tangent (I sure hope that's not what I'm doing), but I'd like to respond appropriately to your post, so I'm just gonna go for it.

 

Like you, I have ZERO excuses for my poor choices and behaviors. If I were to even try to justify any of them, I would be lying to all of you, and to myself. Also like you, I thought I could not survive without him. Just typing that right now makes me feel like such a fool. It's an incredibly ridiculous thought. The more I read and research the whole "Affair Fog" scenario, the more I'm coming to terms with the harsh reality that my situation isn't a whole lot different from many others - in fact - it's quite typical. What a difference a little clarity and time away will do for you - although BRUTAL, it truly is an amazing and eye-opening experience.

 

Oh, and please know that I am not at all discounting my role in the damage and hurt I've caused to others as well as myself; I'm just trying to get some sort of understanding as to how I even allowed myself to end up where I currently am. And if there's ANY way I could possibly take even ONE positive out of all of this, or maybe lend a hand to someone else on here who's struggling, regardless of their 'role' - I really do believe that will be a step in the right direction. No, it will never cancel out all the wrongs I have done, but if it could potentially help another person to begin to make more appropriate and morally sound decisions, or help them to NEVER choose this path in the first place - well then, I'm all for it.

 

As far as apologies go, it's obvious from this thread that it's very different for everyone. Anyone could say they're sorry for anything, but if there isn't any meaning behind it, it's absolutely pointless - and maybe even demeaning. I can certainly understand how someone would want to hear that another person is sorry for doing them wrong, but if that apology is forced (and you can most definitely tell when it is), it means NOTHING. And I honestly think that's the worst kind of apology - a fake one. On the same token, I can also understand how someone would NOT want to hear any kind of apology at all, simply because saying "I'm sorry" is just a phrase, and it's what we're supposed to say when we do something wrong or hurtful to another person - it's kind of like we're 'just going through the motions'. Also, the person we're apologizing to doesn't have any idea how authentic our apology really is. So, I can definitely see both sides of the coin (and the different meanings and efforts behind either doing it or not doing it).

 

In your case, Hope, if you truly felt sorry, and your apology was coming from a place of honesty and concern, and you fully knew that in your heart, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. From reading through many of your posts, I get the sense that your sorrow and remorse is authentic, and I believe that's crucial, especially when it comes to something as serious as this. There's not a whole lot we can do with how someone reacts to an apology, but if we are truly genuine and sincere in our wrongdoings, and want the other person to know that, it's certainly worth a shot - to at least give them some sort of understanding that we are not completely ruthless and uncaring people. I'm not saying that by apologizing they'll simply say, "Ok... Awesome, let's be best friends", but if anything, a genuine apology, at the very least, let's them know that we're fully aware we're in the wrong and have treated them in a less than desirable manner. And if it's 'real', as decent human beings, it's the honorable thing to do, but that's just my opinion, and you know what they're like... You did what you felt was right at the time, Hope, and I know it's only my opinion, but I really do believe that it was the respectable thing to do. Good for you!

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, I really appreciate your words. Extremely intelligent?! That's AWESOME! I don't know how true that is, but it's certainly a very kind compliment and I thank you very much for it. Now, extremely sensitive?! You pegged me, haha. 100%, without a doubt! It's definitely a curse as well as a blessing.

 

I don't want to get anyone in trouble on here for going too far off on a tangent (I sure hope that's not what I'm doing), but I'd like to respond appropriately to your post, so I'm just gonna go for it.

 

Like you, I have ZERO excuses for my poor choices and behaviors. If I were to even try to justify any of them, I would be lying to all of you, and to myself. Also like you, I thought I could not survive without him. Just typing that right now makes me feel like such a fool. It's an incredibly ridiculous thought. The more I read and research the whole "Affair Fog" scenario, the more I'm coming to terms with the harsh reality that my situation isn't a whole lot different from many others - in fact - it's quite typical. What a difference a little clarity and time away will do for you - although BRUTAL, it truly is an amazing and eye-opening experience.

 

Oh, and please know that I am not at all discounting my role in the damage and hurt I've caused to others as well as myself; I'm just trying to get some sort of understanding as to how I even allowed myself to end up where I currently am. And if there's ANY way I could possibly take even ONE positive out of all of this, or maybe lend a hand to someone else on here who's struggling, regardless of their 'role' - I really do believe that will be a step in the right direction. No, it will never cancel out all the wrongs I have done, but if it could potentially help another person to begin to make more appropriate and morally sound decisions, or help them to NEVER choose this path in the first place - well then, I'm all for it.

 

As far as apologies go, it's obvious from this thread that it's very different for everyone. Anyone could say they're sorry for anything, but if there isn't any meaning behind it, it's absolutely pointless - and maybe even demeaning. I can certainly understand how someone would want to hear that another person is sorry for doing them wrong, but if that apology is forced (and you can most definitely tell when it is), it means NOTHING. And I honestly think that's the worst kind of apology - a fake one. On the same token, I can also understand how someone would NOT want to hear any kind of apology at all, simply because saying "I'm sorry" is just a phrase, and it's what we're supposed to say when we do something wrong or hurtful to another person - it's kind of like we're 'just going through the motions'. Also, the person we're apologizing to doesn't have any idea how authentic our apology really is. So, I can definitely see both sides of the coin (and the different meanings and efforts behind either doing it or not doing it).

 

In your case, Hope, if you truly felt sorry, and your apology was coming from a place of honesty and concern, and you fully knew that in your heart, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. From reading through many of your posts, I get the sense that your sorrow and remorse is authentic, and I believe that's crucial, especially when it comes to something as serious as this. There's not a whole lot we can do with how someone reacts to an apology, but if we are truly genuine and sincere in our wrongdoings, and want the other person to know that, it's certainly worth a shot - to at least give them some sort of understanding that we are not completely ruthless and uncaring people. I'm not saying that by apologizing they'll simply say, "Ok... Awesome, let's be best friends", but if anything, a genuine apology, at the very least, let's them know that we're fully aware we're in the wrong and have treated them in a less than desirable manner. And if it's 'real', as decent human beings, it's the honorable thing to do, but that's just my opinion, and you know what they're like... You did what you felt was right at the time, Hope, and I know it's only my opinion, but I really do believe that it was the respectable thing to do. Good for you!

 

Thanks Pachuca. You make a lot of sense. Your self-awareness is impressive and I learned a lot from this post.

 

I can now see intellectually why some of the BS's here said what they did, rather than me just seeing the emotion behind it. When I see the raging hate/emotion I am less likely to hear the words than when they are offered neutrally (one of the reasons I have come to really like fellini's posts). Thank you again.

 

Pachuca... the biggest thing I struggle with is how I became such a doormat and so broken that I could not even see my values when I was in the middle of it. It's why I react to posts sometimes when people say "I would NEVER do that" because I was that person who said that, with a million exclamation points!!!!!!!!!! I was in a horrible abusive marriage for all those years when I could have cheated, and didn't. The dysfunction in my relationship with ex-MM just tore me to the ground and there was nothing left of me. I thought I was nothing unless he was there telling me how things would be.

 

It's not an excuse, but I struggle with it because of the feeling of lost control and of the blame that I must accept when I feel like I didn't or wouldn't have chosen this - yet I did.

 

Anyway - thank you again! Thanks to all on this thread too who helped with understanding.

[A.Moscote]

It seems like this is the prevailing decision of the thread...

 

I didn't follow this thread until this last part, so I don't know the whole story how it came to this. Anyway for me, I believe that sincere, polite and proper apology is always the right thing to do, no matter how difficult.

 

Yes it won't erase our wrongdoings and their consequences, but it is nonetheless for me an important act to show our regrets, to admit and own our mistakes, and hopefully to help those affected our actions. If you also believe that is right, HS, please don't hesitate to say so and to advise so.

 

On the other hand, if anyone apologize to me, I hope I can always appreciate that (regardless of whether I can really forgive or not) and it is not my place to question the sincerity, that's for the All-knowing to decide.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes it won't erase our wrongdoings and their consequences, but it is nonetheless for me an important act to show our regrets, to admit and own our mistakes, and hopefully to help those affected our actions. If you also believe that is right, HS, please don't hesitate to say so and to advise so.

 

Thank you. I believe it is right, but if it is not welcomed by others then it is important to know that too. It's hard to know how best to address respect for others at this point. I appreciate your post... thank you again.

[Lemonitaz]

Torn, maybe one of the reasons you are/were previously focusing on this potential apology from the OW was because of your views on forgiveness?

 

 

There was a post earlier on this thread from you that sounded like it was in your nature to forgive, that you couldn't just forget about everything, you had to try to move forward in the forgiveness process because it's the way you're wired.

 

 

I would think it would be a lot easier to move forward in the forgiveness process if you did get what you believed to be a sincere apology - in any situation - and without that, maybe you're getting stuck on how to move forward in forgiveness at this time. I know anytime I've forgiven someone for something it really helps if they can admit they did something wrong!

 

 

But cryptic messages on FB that may or may not pertain to your situation are certainly not sincere apologies. If I were you, I'd either stop reading them altogether or tell myself everytime I read one that it was NOT directed at me. That way it wasn't a back-and-forth internal struggle when I read them.

 

 

I don't have any good advice to offer otherwise but just wanted to mention this thought that I had while reading your thread. Good luck to you.

[waterwoman]

I would have appreciated some sort of acknowldegment that what she did hurt me. H has apologised with word and actions many times over - as he should - and I totally share the belief that 99% of the responsibility for an affair lies with the married partner but..... she was someone I knew, she had been to our house for H's party two years running with her children. She had asked me to help when she was arranging the present the class children were going to give H for his 50th and many texts and calls were exchanged. When she was having a bad time with her H I offered her a bed for the night so she could get away. I was not a total stranger, I even thought we might have been friends.

 

On dday it was as if she had disappeared from the face of the earth. Her response to H when he told her I had seen his phone with all their texts was 'F***ing idiot!' because he didn't delete them. It was an inconvenience to her. It is hurtful to think she couldn't give a stuff about me and that I was, as so OW on here seems to think, an irrelevance. I have taught myself to see her as an irrelevance too as that is the sanest attitude to take but I'd have liked to have her say 'Sorry, I know how hurt you must have been' That's all.

[Snowflower]

It seems like this is the prevailing decision of the thread. Almost everyone says they don't want an apology from the OW/OM. I hope the OW/OM here will see this thread and refrain from an apology, and I will certainly refer to this thread also, when the question comes up in the future. It is good information to have. Thank you.

 

Thank you. I believe it is right, but if it is not welcomed by others then it is important to know that too. It's hard to know how best to address respect for others at this point. I appreciate your post... thank you again.

 

Not trying to belabor the point here or draw you out, Hope, but I don't think offering an apology is ever wrong. If someone feels they did something wrong or misguided (in any situation, not only infidelity), then the mark of integrity or being a decent person-if you will-comes from offering a sincere apology.

 

If, as a person, an OW/OM feels that they should offer an apology to the BS, then they should. It could be a brief phone call, written note, email, etc. How the BS reacts to it is on BS. But at least the OW/OM can feel they did the right thing-if an apology is important to them regardless of the BS's reaction. I think some OW/OM want to offer an apology in a genuine attempt to make things a little bit "right" or to give a sense of closure to themselves.

 

Maybe in the end the BS will return the apology note unopened or respond in a less than polite way, but again, that is the BS's choice. The BS's reaction shouldn't make the OW/OM feel like an apology isn't necessary.

 

We can all only be responsible for our own actions and choices.

[tornapart2002]

Thank you. Excellent points. I appreciate your comments and agree with them. I have blocked any social media of hers from my computer because a lot of what you have said had hit me yesterday too.

 

This healing thing is a process and it is truly teaching me a lot about how I work and ways I don't want to "work" anymore. In good ways.

 

Again...thank you for taking the time to comment. It means a lot.

 

Torn, maybe one of the reasons you are/were previously focusing on this potential apology from the OW was because of your views on forgiveness?

 

 

There was a post earlier on this thread from you that sounded like it was in your nature to forgive, that you couldn't just forget about everything, you had to try to move forward in the forgiveness process because it's the way you're wired.

 

 

I would think it would be a lot easier to move forward in the forgiveness process if you did get what you believed to be a sincere apology - in any situation - and without that, maybe you're getting stuck on how to move forward in forgiveness at this time. I know anytime I've forgiven someone for something it really helps if they can admit they did something wrong!

 

 

But cryptic messages on FB that may or may not pertain to your situation are certainly not sincere apologies. If I were you, I'd either stop reading them altogether or tell myself everytime I read one that it was NOT directed at me. That way it wasn't a back-and-forth internal struggle when I read them.

 

 

I don't have any good advice to offer otherwise but just wanted to mention this thought that I had while reading your thread. Good luck to you.

[tornapart2002]

I almost didn't come back to this page or this site because I get so upset sometimes (my own fault) at the responses.But you taking the time out to write this and be so honest and open withyour feelings means a ton to me. You don't even know. I want to save this to remind myself that not every person who has been an OW/OM is a horrible person. Of course I know this, but on my worst days, it's hard to remember.

 

This really helps me remember.

 

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to write this to me and others on here who are hurting, to show compassion to someone who sounds a bit like a crazy, and even judgemental, person these days.

 

At the request of the BS, I told her everything. I'm probably going to get a lot of slack for this, but in my situation, I firmly believe it was the right thing to do. I also knew that by telling her EVERYTHING, XMM would probably never forgive me, which is the chance I was willing to take. But for the first time, it wasn't about him anymore. Regardless of what she did to him in their past (cheating), she is a decent human being (and his W for God's sake!), and I was so caught up in all the negatives XMM told me about her that I completely discounted that. I'm still mortified to even say so, as I certainly should be. And I'm still very disgusted with my behaviors, but that's something I'm coming to terms with at well. She asked for the truth, I certainly believe she deserved it, and if the situation were reversed, I know I'd want the truth, too.

 

During the A, I thought about contacting her periodically, but I realized that I'd only be doing so out of spite and anger... I was more than aware of the wrong I had done, but there was no need to make an innocent person suffer because of MY poor choices. But then D-Day hit, and she began contacting me, and I started to see things in a much different light. Her H continued to feed her lies even though she thought he had laid everything out on the table... Well, he left out quite a few important details.

 

I honestly would NOT have gotten involved if she didn't reach out to me. The A was over, and how they were going to proceed with their life was not my business, but she had a very strong instinct that the whole story just didn't add up, and she was right.

 

And so I laid it all out for her (at her request), and continued to answer any and every question she had in the coming days. Please understand, though, doing this did NOT give me any sort of gratification - it was an awfully mortifying experience. And during this time, in every sense, I "got mine" so to speak. But she was very grateful for my honesty, and she began to trust what I had to say more than her H. We both agreed that it was beyond a strange situation, but she was thankful (as was I), that she was finally able to see some kind of truth, which she was not getting from him.

 

I know she doesn't care about my apology, and rightly so. I doubt if I would had I been in her shoes. And I don't expect her to ever forgive me, because really, who the hell am I to her? I'm just her H's side piece, and beyond that, I'm nobody. But honestly, at least in my case, telling her was NOT at all about me or her H. My shame, guilt, and remorse did not lessen through my truthfulness; if anything, I felt even worse. Letting the truth known was for her - so she could stop questioning everything and finally get some piece of mind.

 

I'm sure it's only normal for you to wonder if your OW is actually sorry for what she did. I certainly can't speak for her, but at least for me, I have not stopped beating myself up for my careless actions. However, there is nothing I can do to take back what I did. If there was, I'd most definitely do it in a heartbeat. The only 'wrong' I was somewhat able to make 'right' was by being completely honest with her. I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself, as I should be. And it's not because I was 'found out'; it's honestly because I never thought that I had it in me to be so selfish and careless with another person's feelings.

 

I'm sure you will begin to care less and less about this OW as time passes and you truly heal. I wouldn't be surprised if these cryptic messages were directed towards you, but it's just going to boggle your mind trying to figure that out, and I'm sure you simply don't need that right now. Do your best to forget about her and focus on YOU. I know you're probably not thrilled to hear this advice coming from 'the other side'. but just as I'm healing from doing the worst possible thing I could do to another woman, I hope you're healing in your own ways, too. I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey.

[tornapart2002]

She's a serial cheater that has been intruding some 16 months later so no, all I want is to be left alone.

 

I'm very sorry. I hope she goes away soon.

[Spectre]

I didn't follow this thread until this last part, so I don't know the whole story how it came to this. Anyway for me, I believe that sincere, polite and proper apology is always the right thing to do, no matter how difficult.

 

Yes it won't erase our wrongdoings and their consequences, but it is nonetheless for me an important act to show our regrets, to admit and own our mistakes, and hopefully to help those affected our actions. If you also believe that is right, HS, please don't hesitate to say so and to advise so.

 

On the other hand, if anyone apologize to me, I hope I can always appreciate that (regardless of whether I can really forgive or not) and it is not my place to question the sincerity, that's for the All-knowing to decide.

 

I guess my only problem with this is that if you were a guy who had been with my gf and then you said you were saying sorry and one of the reasons was to help me out..well, I honestly don't know how I'd react I guess.

 

Here is my problem with your approach: just don't do it. Okay, that isn't really a problem, but..my problem is that apologizing like this just isn't something most people who are betrayed want. You bring "important acts" and talks of respect into the bunch..well, I guess I would say if you had enough respect to hook up with my girl then you should have enough "respect" to stay away.

 

Of course at this point in my life if someone cheated on me I'd just say "okay, you can take them" and walk away.

Edited May 23, 2014 by Spectre

[tornapart2002]

Just a quick update here for anyone who might find this thread one day. I blocked her and deleted my accounts where I would be tempted to read anything by her two-four days ago (It's been a busy week so I can't remember the exact day!) I had one social site with a business account i forgot about so today I checked her page, wondering if she would be as vocal now that I'm no longer on the sites, where she could look me up. she isn't. She hasn't posted a think under "public" settings anywhere since I did this. And that account is closed now too.

 

I write this quick update to encourage others BSs: do what people in this thread told me to do. If you can ignore the OW/OM (because if they are harassing you in some way, you obviously can't) then do it because it is the attention many of them (not all) want and by stalking them online or responding to them in anyway you are feeding into their attention seeking behavior. As soon as they realize you could care less, they realize where their place in your life is and that is: no place. They are no longer welcome or needed if you are moving forward with reconcilliation.

 

And it is a great feeling to let that go, to not care what they say, or if they apologize or...well, anything. None of it matters anymore. no matter what they say it will never make what happened right. The focus now has to be on you and your WS, whether you choose tostay together or not.

I sure hope I remember all this in my weak moments.

 

I also realized that my obsession has more to do with my inability to deal with some other family situations (not the marriage) and that I have been using this obsession as a distraction so I don't have to face other broken relationshps within my family..... now that I'm facing those issues I know I have some more emotional hurdles to jump over, but it is necessary to keep on the path toward healing.

 

Hang in there, everyone who is in reconcilliation and even if you aren't! You are going to survive this!

[snappytomcat]

torn,good for you that's a big step to block her social media accounts,i did a long time ago,but its also very normal thing to do after dday,wether you are the om/ow or bs,but it it never helps with recovery.

we haven't heard anything from the xow in a couple of days,i truly hope shes moved on,it will be a year on the 7th,and as much as I try to hate her,i just cant I cant hate no one,i can hate what she did,and continues to do,but I truly hope she can find some peace,and hope she will finally let go,so I can have some peace

[A.Moscote]

...I guess I would say if you had enough respect to hook up with my girl then you should have enough "respect" to stay away.

Yeah.. I made that post in a bit too naive tone, too ideal. I see your point in tornapart's update, sometimes it's better to stay away, especially if the betrayed person think it doesn't matter anymore.

[underpants]

Torn,

 

How are you doing?

 

Have you looked over that chump lady site, it really is a good one for betrayed spouses.

 

Hope your dominos are being put back right, for you.

[tornapart2002]

I blocked her immediately after DDay...then for some reason I just got obsessed..trying to figure her out and why she was "better". Of course I know my thinking was wrong there, but I was prety messed up at the time.

 

I started to see her as a very sad person trying to solve her family problems by destroying others. She also puts on a good show but I know she doesn't believe a lot of the stuff she puts up. Her self esteem is in the toilet and my husband's attention to her boosted hers and put mine in the toilet.

 

Anyhow, there is a lot more I gleened from looking at her stuff but the biggest thing I gleened? She is a narcissist and was eating up the attention. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who is ignoring her...her soon t be ex is too so she doesn't put on a show anymore for anyone.

 

And like I said, I was avoiding a lot of family issues that have to do with my husband's family :/

 

I'll have to address that some day, but not sure how yet.

 

I hope your OW finds peace and lets go too. I know I do hope the OW in this situation finds some peace and improves her life so she isn't always choosing to hurt others.

 

And PS, for any OWs that might read this...my observations are of her and not of all OWs and I don't know that I am right about any of my observations, but I've reached the point where I don't care if I wasright or not. These are her issues to deal with, not mine. I have my own to focus on adn work on.

 

torn,good for you that's a big step to block her social media accounts,i did a long time ago,but its also very normal thing to do after dday,wether you are the om/ow or bs,but it it never helps with recovery.

we haven't heard anything from the xow in a couple of days,i truly hope shes moved on,it will be a year on the 7th,and as much as I try to hate her,i just cant I cant hate no one,i can hate what she did,and continues to do,but I truly hope she can find some peace,and hope she will finally let go,so I can have some peace

[tornapart2002]

I did. Thanks for the link. I see a lot of it is more about leaving your spouse and I'm not at that point yet, but I do appreciate a lot of the other tips that are there. I'm sure I'll be delving into it more this year as I move on from my apparent need to over analyze someone I don't need to be analyzing at all!

 

Thanks for checking in!

 

I'm stronger than I've been in awhile and I recognize that if this marriage does end at some point, I'm completely capable of moving forward without him. It's a great feeling because I know there is not a desperate "need" for him in the way that one would say "I just can't survive without him! OMG!" Yeah, I could. I like him in my life, especially as I watch him change, but I don't NEED him to survive.

 

Torn,

 

How are you doing?

 

Have you looked over that chump lady site, it really is a good one for betrayed spouses.

 

Hope your dominos are being put back right, for you.

[painfullyobvious]

Apologies are for mistakes like I broke your rake that I borrowed, I said some comments behind your back that were not fair or I was acting like I jerk when I was drunk. It's pretty hard for me to understand how a person apologizes for grinding their privates into my exes privates. I ultimately blamed my ex for agreeing to acquiesce to OM persistence or need for his attention but I would not accept an apology from OM or fail to see how it would benefit me. If an apology did occur my comment would be I hope you at least learned something from the experience. I would welcome their growth and learning from the affair but it would never get an okay or a thank you for verbalizing your feelings.

 

What I heard from my ex during my "time of paranoia" was how the OM had been cheated on before and hurt so badly from his ex girlfriend when she cheated that he would never do that to another person. One of my exes many early lies. I have bumped into OM a few times (more than I have my ex) and I have been sarcastic or watch him trying to shade his new significant other at the time from me. Funny how cheaters don't like you telling their current partners that they are deceptive people. I never said anything to his new girlfriends about OM cheating with my ex I just walked past and looked at her and shook my head and said be careful. I always wondered what he said to her when I walked away. Funny how that anger and disdain surfaces so quickly when I see either my ex or OM.

[xtymorgan]

Personally, I WOULD want an apology from the OW. NOT because I would accept it, no. More because I would get some sort of perverted satisfaction out of knowing she realized what she had done was wrong at least. Personally, I get NO remorse from my OW. She flaunts their affair on FB and when I initially discovered the A, I messaged her telling her what a W she was, etc. She didn't show one bit of remorse. Instead she bragged about the A and how much the "love" each other. It was sickening. I don't message her anymore but I do check her FB page from time to time and she's still flaunting it.

 

To see any form of remorse from her would not make me feel better, necessarily. But it would give me a perverse since of satisfaction knowing she felt any amount of guilt/sorrow/remorse over her behavior. I would want her to wallow in it as much as possible.

 

That's just my two cents.