I'm considering ending my relationship with my mother; thoughts?

[sunrise24]

I am currently living with my mother. Despite an emotional roller coaster, it seemed like things were finally starting to look up with work; we're on track to have all the bills for the upcoming month comfortably paid with money to spare.

But I'm having second thoughts...

 

***

 

The history of my relationship with my mother is tumultuous at best. There are too many background details to list; most significant is regarding college and the consequences. Also, by her own admission, my mother was a helicopter parent and was very overprotective.

 

My mother is the one, along with her boyfriend at the time (they broke up a few years ago), who forced me into college. On top of that, she set aside nothing to help with my college tuition over the course of my entire pre-adult life, instead choosing to blame my father (they divorced when I was 7 and he didn't help with my college tuition either).

 

She had close to a six-figure income for several years during my elementary school years, and we lived in a modest apartment; she could have easily set aside some college money on her own, especially considering my going to college was her dream, which she forced on to me.

 

When I was in high school, people asked me why I didn't get a job. I always responded that I didn't need one; in reality, I was strongly discouraged from getting one.

 

When I was 17, I started working as a private tutor (mostly honors chemistry) to start gaining some of my own work experience. I had about a 3.0 GPA and was praised by the parents of a couple of the students I tutored.

 

My mother and her boyfriend strongly criticized me for tutoring, because I "didn't have the grades." Needless to say, I abruptly became unemployed again. To them, it was all about the grades; work experience was seen as a distraction.

 

When I was 18, after my first quarter of college, I told my mother I wanted to quit; I didn't get far in explaining myself before she started bawling in tears about how her dream was ruined, and her boyfriend blasted me with criticism about how I was destined to be a second-class citizen. I was so humiliated and scared that I reluctantly went through with the rest of college.

 

Flash forward to present:

I am 26, yet my mother treats me like a child to this day. I have dedicated much of my time to helping out around the house and helping her with various tasks related to her business ventures (research, typing up documents, organizing ideas into messages with clarity, etc.), yet she always finds a reason to be angry with me.

 

One morning, she woke me up demanding to know where a $2 loofer was (it fell in the backseat of the car; I retrieved it without a word). This morning, she woke me up asking where her favorite coffee cup was (she left it in the microwave).

 

The thing is, she has been like this since before she was 40 (she is now 56); to me, attributing it to hormones is just an excuse on her end, especially since she has bio-identical hormone replacement at her disposal.

 

Also today, she blasted me when she found out that I did not go through with accepting General Relief (from the County); she accused me of sabotaging her.

 

Even though work is picking up for us and she has given me a lot of credit for helping her, she insists that we need money from the County, which to me is a drop in the bucket compared to the work with Barbizon and a private investigation firm she recently secured, and I have the skills to be of great help to her with all her work; she considers me her assistant and has been paying me for helping her out.

 

She likes to dream big and talk about never settling, yet she needs a few hundred dollars a month from the County? It makes no sense to me.

 

She wants to start a foundation to empower foster teens and has promised that I'll be getting paid for my involvement, but I feel like this is merely continuing a years-long pattern of co-dependency in a toxic relationship.

 

I have tried to politely reason with her on many occasions; the typical response is to blast me with more criticism ("That's not nice," "you don't listen," "you'd better change your attitude," "you always fight me on everything," etc.)

 

So even though I technically have work, it emotionally feels like I'm still unemployed. And so, my job search continues.

 

"Resumes for Dummies," "Cover Letters for Dummies," and "Job Interviews for Dummies" are my selected books for revising my job search tools to increase my chances of job-hunting success. I didn't know much of what they teach when I was job-hunting in the past; I never succeeded with getting a job.

 

A neighbor of ours also has a possible job opening for me and has praised me for my organizational skills; I plan to follow up with her later today.

 

In the meantime, my strategy for dealing with my mother is to keep my distance; she can let me know if she needs anything work-related.

 

Why am I living with her and focusing so much on helping her out? Because it's the most effective way I've found thus far to get paid for helping others so that I can rebuild my own trashed financial situation.

Plus, a part of me still holds on to the belief that a healthy relationship with my mother is somehow salvageable.

 

But maybe I should just walk away from it all and start over on my own (I would need to succeed in my job search first)...

 

***

 

What are your thoughts regarding this relationship dynamic? What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

As always, feel free to ask any questions that you deem helpful for clarification.

 

 

P.S. I've read several other threads in this forum where the book "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward was recommended; it sounds interesting to me, but I feel like my focus should be on the aforementioned three job search-related books.

Edited May 21, 2014 by sunrise24

[stillafool]

 

What are your thoughts regarding this relationship dynamic? What would you do

if you were in my situation?

 

 

Get a roommate and move out.

[d0nnivain]

Since you going to college was her dream it would have been nice had she offered to help financially but she was never under an obligation to do so. Get over it & don't expect any financial contributions from her going forward.

 

For now, stop living with her but don't cut her out of your life completely. You can still have holidays with her. Not being under the same roof will improve your dynamic tremendously.

[pteromom]

Don't end your relationship, but definitely get out of her house and start building your own life. The dynamics will be completely different once she isn't in a power position over you, and then you can decide whether she adds anything to your life or not.

[Trimmer]

Don't end your relationship, but definitely get out of her house and start building your own life. The dynamics will be completely different once she isn't in a power position over you, and then you can decide whether she adds anything to your life or not.

I agree with this strongly.

 

Part of the work of growing up is to gradually become a separate individual from one's parent(s). This process depends upon a number of factors, notably including the parent's ability to allow (and possibly even encourage) this separation to occur.

 

On the other hand, a parent with her own issues around control and separation can hinder the process. You see a wide range of scenarios among adolescents - some who have a relatively smooth time, some who eventually make it through OK, but who have some struggles along the way (wonder why rebellion is such a common thing in adolescent development?) and some who get tripped up and remain in an adolescent-type parent/child power relationship on into adulthood.

 

Sound familiar?

 

I think that you need to complete the job of becoming an independent adult, and I agree with pteromom's point that you need to get out - physically and emotionally, from ground-zero around your mother, in order to find your own power and realize control of your life. Then maybe you can re-establish a healthy (we hope!) adult relationship with your mother.

 

So it's not necessarily that you need to completely "end your relationship" with your mother, but I believe there is a thread of truth to that statement, in that you need to "end the existing dynamic of the relationship" as it is currently playing out.

 

In some cases, as adolescents push off and become separate individuals, they do indeed need to "go away" - end the previous relationship and truly separate for a time - before they can re-approach and forge a new relationship. As with the separation in the first place, the success of this rapprochement and the development of a new adult relationship depends partly on the parent's ability to accept the process, new roles, new boundaries, etc.

 

That may or may not be a smooth process, but you deserve to move on into independent adulthood, and part of that is moving away from the parent/child power dynamic. So in that sense, yes, I think you do need to "end" that part of your relationship with your mother, just like all kids eventually do as they go on into adulthood.

 

What eventual form your adult relationship with your mother takes depends on both you and her - your ability to hold your ground, to declare and defend your boundaries, and her ability to honor and respect that.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Trimmer

[SpiralOut]

I

What are your thoughts regarding this relationship dynamic? What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

 

I would get the hell away, if I were in your situation. I don't know if I would cut her off completely, but you need space from her. She has been bullying you. It'll be good for you to get some distance and start making your own choices without her interfering. Once you've moved out you can decide how often to stay in contact, if at all.

[Belle88]

I can really relate to you in some aspects. I graduated high school and wanted to go away to college but neither or my parents ( who are divorced and both remarried ) had saved anything or could financially help. I took a year off and worked one job. I was criticized for not having multiple jobs ( which I did at one point but it was too stressful to balance ) and that I should be saving more. I decided to attend college locally the next year but still being young I had to use my mom's and stepdad's financial information for the fafsa. My mom refused to give me the information unless I planned to major in something in the medical field. I ended up having two majors that I hated in the medical field and ended up wasting thousands of dollars and many years before I found my calling.

 

 

My mom has a habit of trying to micromanage my younger brother to the point where she tells him to get his hair cut and manages his money.

 

 

She also does the "helpless act" all the time.

 

 

I am hoping that after graduation in August that I will be able to move out and create some distance.

[littleplanet]

Okay. You're 26. You're an adult. Whatever helicoptering overprotective blanket happened in the past should stay there in the past.

I can't see much of anything positive about you staying under your mother's roof for very long.

Having a game plan to become independently employed and domiciled elsewhere would probably do you a world of good.

 

I know enough about boomerang grads to know that many wind up back in the nest because of this:

 

monthly income (from McJob) - $1500

rent (room&board) - $ 0

related job expenses -$ 300

student loan -$1000

 

- which leaves a pittance for anything else. And that's the rut they're in.

 

If your situation resembles this at all....then it's a real struggle to change it.

If it's somewhat better - then maybe you have some wiggle room.

 

But if you truly feel that your mother is toxic......that toxicity needs to be purged from your system.

It's lousy that your education resulted in significant debt. But no reason to curse the fates or the reason you went to college. That horse has left the barn.

You need to consider your options.

 

You also need to consider the fact that these financial realities in your life will probably exist without any help or understanding from your mother.

She can just as easily use them to hang on to you.

 

Worry about salvaging yourself first. Worry about salvaging anything with her later.

And later means when you truly feel like you're living like an established independent adult.

 

"Adult Children" has got to be one of the most oxymoronic terms of our time.

It just does not compute. It should disappear straight into the black hole from where it came.

 

I raised a son to be independent. Not independently wealthy or a great consumer.

Just independent.

He left home at 18, with my blessing. 12 years later, every time he shows up it's a celebration. Would I love to see more of him? Of course.

I don't understand people who can't/won't / don't know how - to let go.

The greatest gift you can give someone you've raised from helpless infancy..........

is all the guidance, training, know-how.......to survive independently.

(and yeah. I work in a university and he got free tuition.) That helped.

 

You need perspective beyond a thousand nit-picky little domestic details.

Not to mention the chains of human bondage.

I left my father's house at age 16.

The best move I ever made.

By 18..........we'd both moved past the old baggage enough to share one of the best Christmases I ever had.

By 29 - I saw in him someone I would treasure for the next 27 years....until the day he died. I still miss him.

I couldn't imagine any of this when I was 16. But I didn't need to. I didn't need to be that old at that time.

 

I just needed to be free...................

and that's what I was.

(still am)

[reardon]

You can move out and live independently, but you can never end your relationship to your mom. You cannot be born without them. Misunderstanding in our family is usual but it is normal. For me, misunderstanding in the family is a sign that you and your mom are different person(including characters, dreams and goal) though you have same DNA. Yet, you and your mom are family, same flesh and blood as her. So, how can you end your relationship to your mom? Last thing, this may sound holier than thou but it's true. Honoring your parents is the only commandment that has blessing from God. You can check that if you want.

[turnera]

Why don't you just do what you want to do? Does it have something to do with your need to blame everything on everyone else?

[Tayla]

Sometimes a change in perspective can aide in your quest. Try the following: I would like to re-arrange the dynamics of my parent/daughter relations, and here are the steps I'd like to take to achieve that. Sounds more adult in nature and gets you to your goal. Its not to say that your mother will not rebuke your actions, but do it anyway. Persist and maintain the goal you have in mind. You have the gumption to make it, your skills are there. Find solice in the fact that your mother is human ...her mistakes and shortcomings are hers to mend. Best you can do is step back and observe from a supportive adult role., and sometimes that means letting them fall into grace.

[Speakingofwhich]

It's difficult for most moms and grown daughters to live together. I'm with the posters who suggest you getting a job and moving out on your own or moving out to be with a roommate and maintaining your relationship with your mom keeping her at the distance that suits your comfort level.

 

You may find that you actually enjoy being with her when you can choose the of length of time you want to spend with her and schedule it at your convenience.

[pink_sugar]

It's difficult for most moms and grown daughters to live together. I'm with the posters who suggest you getting a job and moving out on your own or moving out to be with a roommate and maintaining your relationship with your mom keeping her at the distance that suits your comfort level.

 

You may find that you actually enjoy being with her when you can choose the of length of time you want to spend with her and schedule it at your convenience.

 

This. My husband and I are staying temporarily with my mom and stepdad and while fine most of the time, there are times when we do really get on each others nerves. Thankfully, we are planning to move out this summer when we're both working full time.

 

My dad on the other hand, staying with him for just one week was absolute torture in comparison. Rather than severing our relationship, I just keep my distance and time spent together limited.

 

I also left home at 18 (was living in a toxic home environment with dad) was on my own for about 6.5 years when severe financial hardship hit my husband and I and we had to stay with my mom and stepdad after we relocated and got income stability back. Now things are back on track, so we can be on our own again this summer.

Edited May 22, 2014 by pink_sugar

[sunrise24]

Updates:

I made more progress revising my cover letter yesterday, arrived back home at around 8:20PM, and fell asleep soon afterward.

 

This morning, I heard back from my neighbor who informed me that the job opening required specialized schooling and being licensed (I don't qualify).

 

It was another stressful morning with my mother; she relentlessly bombarded me with questions about the benefits (food stamps and general relief) while I was getting myself ready for another day of job searching.

I finally spoke up saying that I'm looking for a real job and that's what would be most helpful to me right now. In response to me being away for most of the day yesterday, she broke down in tears, telling me that I was "alienating her."

 

I tried repeatedly explaining that I need a real job and that is my focus; when I responded to her lecturing me about benefits with "what about a real job?" she didn't answer my question and kept lecturing me. I also mentioned that I'm trying to make more of my own decisions as an adult. She just went into her room and kept crying; I walked out the door with the closing remark: "this isn't working. I'll be back later."

 

I've been taking a bit of a detour from my planned job hunting at the moment; I'll go ahead and fill out the rest of the County paperwork to get myself on food stamps and general relief, otherwise my mother might really lose it and leave me out on the streets...

 

***

 

The overwhelming consensus thus far seems to be: get my own job and move out. I agree with this; being her "assistant" is merely prolonging the unhealthy parent-child dynamic, feeding her continued helicopter parenting attitude.

 

Trimmer: My mother definitely had issues with control and separation; I'm one of those who got tripped up and trapped in an adolescent-type parent/child power relationship.

 

Since I don't yet have the money to move out on my own, "getting out" physically and emotionally takes the form of staying away during the day and focusing on my job search; I get a lot of exercise in the process, along with alone time to let my rather chaotic emotions safely run their course.

Unfortunately, my mother is blasting me with criticism about this as well.

 

I anticipate that I will definitely need to separate from my mother for quite a while upon moving out before possibly re-establishing any contact with her, and that it will be a very rough transition.

 

**

 

Belle88: I'm glad you finally found your calling; better late than never. The confidence of eventually finding my calling helps me to keep going through all the emotional chaos.

I hope you do manage to be able to move out upon graduation; you have 3 months to prepare yourself as much as you can; I wish you the best.

 

**

 

Tayla: We are all human, with mistake and shortcomings, but my mother compulsively dwells on my shortcomings and I do all I can to avoid her of her own shortcomings; it's a severely one-sided relationship.

 

If I do communicate to her anything like what you suggested (I do like the sound of them), I'm thinking via text. Talking to each other in person just hasn't been working well; it tends to result in her starting emotionally-charged arguments.

 

**

 

littleplanet: As much as I agree with the helicopter parenting staying in the past, my mother is a helicopter parent to this day; there's nothing I can do about it except stay focused on my game plan of getting a job that will pay me enough to not only move out, but start paying down my student loan debt (it may take several jobs as a stepping stone sequence).

 

My experiences with trying to reason with my mother confirm that there is no help or understanding from her regarding my financial situation; she does indeed use my financial problems against me to further justify her demeaning attitude toward me. The challenge right now is that she doesn't want me salvaging myself without her approval; her way, or further emotionally-charged criticism.

 

You know what else is an oxymoron that just doesn't compute? "Free money." But she uses that oxymoron to justify dependence on the County when there is already enough paying work at her disposal, and the thought of connecting me with job opportunities via any of her friends has scarcely occurred to her. Oh well, Craigslist and self-education with books it is...

 

I think it's wonderful that you raised a son to be independent; I wasn't that fortunate with my parents (I'm estranged from my father; he was even worse than my mother is).

 

So, you left home at 16 and your son left home at 18; I wish I had done the same and not let myself be so easily bullied into submission to her and hey boyfriend's expectations.

 

Well, I have solace in knowing that it's still not too late. I'm confident that freedom as you've described will change everything for me.

Edited May 22, 2014 by sunrise24

[turnera]

If the college you attended is in your city, you should be able to go back there and make use of their department that helps people find jobs.

[pink_sugar]

What is your financial situation like, OP? My husband and I were on food stamps for a short time while I was unemployed and his working hours were drastically cut. It was a whooping $15 a month. Not worth the paperwork if you ask me. You're better off going to the food pantry. Anyways, sometimes working with your parents is highly difficult. I worked for my dad on the side for many years (in addition to regular employment) and sometimes he was overly critical and would look over my shoulder. I just cannot work like that. Best of luck to you!

[sunrise24]

Updates going into Memorial Day weekend:

 

The detour continues:

I applied to 8 jobs yesterday via Monster.com, so I could finish up the last remaining incomplete paperwork to get General Relief (and back on food stamps).

 

Today, I went to the County office; I was told I'd have to see my worker, but she wasn't in today and won't return until Tuesday. However, Tuesday is a "work day" with my mother, cleaning a large home; I plan to return to the County office Wednesday morning.

 

My mother seems to have been in a better mood since I've informed her that I've been staying on top of getting back on food stamps. However, I intend to continue keeping my distance; her good moods usually don't last long.

 

I've gradually been more strongly enforcing my own personal boundaries en route to a more independent adulthood:

This morning, she lectured me about the County benefits once again, demanding that I get the paperwork turned on today. She insisted on giving me a ride; I told her I would go myself, which I repeated several times (raising my voice a bit in the process) before she reluctantly agreed.

Earlier this evening, she asked if she could make my bed for me; I responded that I'd rather do it myself.

The idea is for me to make as many of my own decisions as possible.

 

Getting on General Relief (and back on food stamps) is not for my mother; it is for a secondary part of my overall game plan for greater independence: providing all my own food.

It's not financial independence since it's money from the government, but at least it'll displace more of my mother's power over me.

Plus, that money can be used for me to possibly move out even before having my own employment, via Hospitality Club (currently awaiting my membership).

 

***

 

pink_sugar: My financial situation consists of over $40,000 of overdue student loan debt and precious little income outside of helping my mother.

 

I don't know where you live such that food stamps are only $15/month (are you sure that's not a typo?), but where I live, food stamps are around $140/month, and General Relief is a bit of extra money on top of that (not sure how much exactly).

 

To me, it's not worth the paperwork, but I don't have a choice; my mother told me that getting on benefits was part of the "agreement" of living with her (nothing is in writing; it's just the nature of the power dynamics).

I'm nevertheless finding ways to extract triumph.

 

***

 

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do for Memorial Day, but I do not want to go to a barbecue. Memorial Day has much deeper symbolism than that: remembering those who sacrificed their lives during military service.

It reminds me of my own personal fight for freedom that continues day by day; over the past 8+ years, I've often felt figuratively dead, but I look forward to being reborn.

Edited May 24, 2014 by sunrise24

[pink_sugar]

$40,000 overdue? Holy *****! I guess my owing $30,000 isn't too bad since I'm current. Anyways, I am in CA just like you. $15 a month was for 2 people on an income of about $1150 a month. I think the cost of rent factors in since our rent is $300 right now.

[littleplanet]

Updates:

I made more progress revising my cover letter yesterday, arrived back home at around 8:20PM, and fell asleep soon afterward.

 

This morning, I heard back from my neighbor who informed me that the job opening required specialized schooling and being licensed (I don't qualify).

 

It was another stressful morning with my mother; she relentlessly bombarded me with questions about the benefits (food stamps and general relief) while I was getting myself ready for another day of job searching.

I finally spoke up saying that I'm looking for a real job and that's what would be most helpful to me right now. In response to me being away for most of the day yesterday, she broke down in tears, telling me that I was "alienating her."

 

I tried repeatedly explaining that I need a real job and that is my focus; when I responded to her lecturing me about benefits with "what about a real job?" she didn't answer my question and kept lecturing me. I also mentioned that I'm trying to make more of my own decisions as an adult. She just went into her room and kept crying; I walked out the door with the closing remark: "this isn't working. I'll be back later."

 

I've been taking a bit of a detour from my planned job hunting at the moment; I'll go ahead and fill out the rest of the County paperwork to get myself on food stamps and general relief, otherwise my mother might really lose it and leave me out on the streets...

 

***

 

The overwhelming consensus thus far seems to be: get my own job and move out. I agree with this; being her "assistant" is merely prolonging the unhealthy parent-child dynamic, feeding her continued helicopter parenting attitude.

 

Trimmer: My mother definitely had issues with control and separation; I'm one of those who got tripped up and trapped in an adolescent-type parent/child power relationship.

 

Since I don't yet have the money to move out on my own, "getting out" physically and emotionally takes the form of staying away during the day and focusing on my job search; I get a lot of exercise in the process, along with alone time to let my rather chaotic emotions safely run their course.

Unfortunately, my mother is blasting me with criticism about this as well.

 

I anticipate that I will definitely need to separate from my mother for quite a while upon moving out before possibly re-establishing any contact with her, and that it will be a very rough transition.

 

**

 

Belle88: I'm glad you finally found your calling; better late than never. The confidence of eventually finding my calling helps me to keep going through all the emotional chaos.

I hope you do manage to be able to move out upon graduation; you have 3 months to prepare yourself as much as you can; I wish you the best.

 

**

 

Tayla: We are all human, with mistake and shortcomings, but my mother compulsively dwells on my shortcomings and I do all I can to avoid her of her own shortcomings; it's a severely one-sided relationship.

 

If I do communicate to her anything like what you suggested (I do like the sound of them), I'm thinking via text. Talking to each other in person just hasn't been working well; it tends to result in her starting emotionally-charged arguments.

 

**

 

littleplanet: As much as I agree with the helicopter parenting staying in the past, my mother is a helicopter parent to this day; there's nothing I can do about it except stay focused on my game plan of getting a job that will pay me enough to not only move out, but start paying down my student loan debt (it may take several jobs as a stepping stone sequence).

 

My experiences with trying to reason with my mother confirm that there is no help or understanding from her regarding my financial situation; she does indeed use my financial problems against me to further justify her demeaning attitude toward me. The challenge right now is that she doesn't want me salvaging myself without her approval; her way, or further emotionally-charged criticism.

 

You know what else is an oxymoron that just doesn't compute? "Free money." But she uses that oxymoron to justify dependence on the County when there is already enough paying work at her disposal, and the thought of connecting me with job opportunities via any of her friends has scarcely occurred to her. Oh well, Craigslist and self-education with books it is...

 

I think it's wonderful that you raised a son to be independent; I wasn't that fortunate with my parents (I'm estranged from my father; he was even worse than my mother is).

 

So, you left home at 16 and your son left home at 18; I wish I had done the same and not let myself be so easily bullied into submission to her and hey boyfriend's expectations.

 

Well, I have solace in knowing that it's still not too late. I'm confident that freedom as you've described will change everything for me.

 

 

This first thing I want to say in response - is to commend you for not caving in to all of this. I can hardly imagine how wretched it must sometimes be......

 

No. Of course it is not too late.

You recognize full well what you need to do to make the necessary changes in your life. That's a big plus.

Unfortunately, not so easily done.

But you must stay the course. Otherwise you'd be faced with far more chaos and bitterness than you have thus far experienced.

 

It is not a hopeless task.

The job market sucks. The debt hangs in there like a bloodsucking weasel.

Your mother is no help.

 

But keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there.

It will probably take a long hard haul - to pull you through.

There is no judgement in my comments: in some ways, I had it easy. In others.....I was lucky (though yes - we do, sometimes - make our own luck.)

 

But still.

A good game plan can be your best friend.

It appears you're providing your own "damage control" as best you can.

Show that face to the world - and it just may smile back at you.

It might even offer you a [*gasp*] job!

 

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[jellybean89]

Since when is paying for your kids college a requirement of a parent?

 

Its not. If YOU (general you) want to go to college, then pay for it. Why should a parent be deemed the person financially responsible for someone elses education? that's ridiculous. Many community colleges are way less expensive and you can get your general studies out of the way and then transfer to a university for a 4 year degree. Many states have grants to help towards college necessities.

 

What about joining the military? What type of job are you looking for?

 

How come your mom is relying on food stamps - you said she had a 6 figure salary previously? I take it she isn't doing that type of work anymore?

 

Also - you describe your mom communicating with you as yelling at you, screaming at you, bombarding you...are these accurate assessments or just your version of her communication? Kids tend to be overly dramatic these days .... are you sure you are accurately portraying her?

 

You have to find your own way in life. Decide what YOU want. Stop being co-dependent with your mom. She will find her own way too. Seems like you have been her life and she is having trouble letting go. You say you went to college - I am assuming you went locally and lived at home?

 

Find your passion in life. Find your own happiness. Most parents just want the best for their kids -- each person has a different way of expressing that. Remember, parents aren't perfect. They make a ton of mistakes. We are all human.

 

Good luck.

[sunrise24]

Memorial Day Updates:

 

I took another detour from my job search to finish research for a nootropic regimen that I'm going to start experimenting with soon; if successful, the boost in mental clarity, focus and memory will serve me well during my job search, for job interviews, and into my future as an independent adult.

 

I was going to take the whole weekend off, but I decided to resume my job search today; it fits the theme of fighting and sacrificing for freedom.

My strategy is to use what I've learned from the three aforementioned "For Dummies" books to create target resumes, customized the language to match the descriptions and qualifications of each individual job opportunity. It's a strategy of quality over quantity.

 

I am making a commitment to myself to, at the minimum, apply to just one job every day; that's all it takes to get the snowball rolling and make the rest of the journey progressively easier to handle. Today, I applied for a job as a Trading Sales Consultant.

 

My mother was in a relatively good mood for much of the weekend; having friends visit really helps to keep her emotional volatility in check. But tomorrow, it's back to my long hours out and about; as much as possible, I don't want to be around when her good mood inevitably plummets.

 

I'm excited for tomorrow; there are opportunities to make further progress on several specific areas of my game plan.

[turnera]

Are you on linkedin.com?

[hotpotato]

Sometimes a change in perspective can aide in your quest. Try the following: I would like to re-arrange the dynamics of my parent/daughter relations, and here are the steps I'd like to take to achieve that. Sounds more adult in nature and gets you to your goal. Its not to say that your mother will not rebuke your actions, but do it anyway. Persist and maintain the goal you have in mind. You have the gumption to make it, your skills are there. Find solice in the fact that your mother is human ...her mistakes and shortcomings are hers to mend. Best you can do is step back and observe from a supportive adult role., and sometimes that means letting them fall into grace.

 

Sounds totally unfair. It will create a situation in which the OP is doing all the work to reconcile. I live in the real world, and in the real world some mothers are mean and just plain don't like their kids. Op is not obligated to take more punishment from her mother. I'd recommend that the OP minimize the opportunity for further rejection from mom.

 

 

Op, understand that you are not obligated to be friendly or have any relationship with her.

 

If anyone who wasn't your mother treated you like that, would you want to hang around them? Would you feel obligated to reconcile with them even though they didn't care or even were flat out mean or abusive? Probably not.

[Untouched]

This troubles me.

 

Why are you living with your mother when you have nothing but complaints about her?

 

Her faulty parenting is in the past. It's time for you to be living your own life on your terms instead of wallowing in blaming her for all her shortcomings, even if she was horrible.

 

Move OUT. If you can't have a positive relationship with your mom then, you don't have to be around her if you don't want to. Or just holidays, whatever.

 

I don't think I could be figuring out my own life if I had not moved out of my parents home when I got serious about questioning them. Now they are starting to respect me as an adult woman and I am starting to see them as human beings instead of MY parents who did things wrong.

 

I just think it is inappropriate for you to be even thinking along these lines while you live there by your own choice.

[hotpotato]

I am currently living with my mother. Despite an emotional roller coaster, it seemed like things were finally starting to look up with work; we're on track to have all the bills for the upcoming month comfortably paid with money to spare.

But I'm having second thoughts...

 

***

 

The history of my relationship with my mother is tumultuous at best. There are too many background details to list; most significant is regarding college and the consequences. Also, by her own admission, my mother was a helicopter parent and was very overprotective.

 

My mother is the one, along with her boyfriend at the time (they broke up a few years ago), who forced me into college. On top of that, she set aside nothing to help with my college tuition over the course of my entire pre-adult life, instead choosing to blame my father (they divorced when I was 7 and he didn't help with my college tuition either).

 

She had close to a six-figure income for several years during my elementary school years, and we lived in a modest apartment; she could have easily set aside some college money on her own, especially considering my going to college was her dream, which she forced on to me.

 

When I was in high school, people asked me why I didn't get a job. I always responded that I didn't need one; in reality, I was strongly discouraged from getting one.

 

When I was 17, I started working as a private tutor (mostly honors chemistry) to start gaining some of my own work experience. I had about a 3.0 GPA and was praised by the parents of a couple of the students I tutored.

 

My mother and her boyfriend strongly criticized me for tutoring, because I "didn't have the grades." Needless to say, I abruptly became unemployed again. To them, it was all about the grades; work experience was seen as a distraction.

 

When I was 18, after my first quarter of college, I told my mother I wanted to quit; I didn't get far in explaining myself before she started bawling in tears about how her dream was ruined, and her boyfriend blasted me with criticism about how I was destined to be a second-class citizen. I was so humiliated and scared that I reluctantly went through with the rest of college.

 

Flash forward to present:

I am 26, yet my mother treats me like a child to this day. I have dedicated much of my time to helping out around the house and helping her with various tasks related to her business ventures (research, typing up documents, organizing ideas into messages with clarity, etc.), yet she always finds a reason to be angry with me.

 

One morning, she woke me up demanding to know where a $2 loofer was (it fell in the backseat of the car; I retrieved it without a word). This morning, she woke me up asking where her favorite coffee cup was (she left it in the microwave).

 

The thing is, she has been like this since before she was 40 (she is now 56); to me, attributing it to hormones is just an excuse on her end, especially since she has bio-identical hormone replacement at her disposal.

 

Also today, she blasted me when she found out that I did not go through with accepting General Relief (from the County); she accused me of sabotaging her.

 

Even though work is picking up for us and she has given me a lot of credit for helping her, she insists that we need money from the County, which to me is a drop in the bucket compared to the work with Barbizon and a private investigation firm she recently secured, and I have the skills to be of great help to her with all her work; she considers me her assistant and has been paying me for helping her out.

 

She likes to dream big and talk about never settling, yet she needs a few hundred dollars a month from the County? It makes no sense to me.

 

She wants to start a foundation to empower foster teens and has promised that I'll be getting paid for my involvement, but I feel like this is merely continuing a years-long pattern of co-dependency in a toxic relationship.

 

I have tried to politely reason with her on many occasions; the typical response is to blast me with more criticism ("That's not nice," "you don't listen," "you'd better change your attitude," "you always fight me on everything," etc.)

 

So even though I technically have work, it emotionally feels like I'm still unemployed. And so, my job search continues.

 

"Resumes for Dummies," "Cover Letters for Dummies," and "Job Interviews for Dummies" are my selected books for revising my job search tools to increase my chances of job-hunting success. I didn't know much of what they teach when I was job-hunting in the past; I never succeeded with getting a job.

 

A neighbor of ours also has a possible job opening for me and has praised me for my organizational skills; I plan to follow up with her later today.

 

In the meantime, my strategy for dealing with my mother is to keep my distance; she can let me know if she needs anything work-related.

 

Why am I living with her and focusing so much on helping her out? Because it's the most effective way I've found thus far to get paid for helping others so that I can rebuild my own trashed financial situation.

Plus, a part of me still holds on to the belief that a healthy relationship with my mother is somehow salvageable.

 

But maybe I should just walk away from it all and start over on my own (I would need to succeed in my job search first)...

 

***

 

What are your thoughts regarding this relationship dynamic? What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

As always, feel free to ask any questions that you deem helpful for clarification.

 

 

P.S. I've read several other threads in this forum where the book "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward was recommended; it sounds interesting to me, but I feel like my focus should be on the aforementioned three job search-related books.

 

You may also like Mean Mothers. You can buy it cheaply on Amazon, and probably read it an afternoon or two.

 

You can move out and live independently, but you can never end your relationship to your mom. You cannot be born without them. Misunderstanding in our family is usual but it is normal. For me, misunderstanding in the family is a sign that you and your mom are different person(including characters, dreams and goal) though you have same DNA. Yet, you and your mom are family, same flesh and blood as her. So, how can you end your relationship to your mom? Last thing, this may sound holier than thou but it's true. Honoring your parents is the only commandment that has blessing from God. You can check that if you want.

 

She can certainly end her relationship with her mom if that's what's best for her.

 

 

Updates going into Memorial Day weekend:

 

The detour continues:

I applied to 8 jobs yesterday via Monster.com, so I could finish up the last remaining incomplete paperwork to get General Relief (and back on food stamps).

 

Today, I went to the County office; I was told I'd have to see my worker, but she wasn't in today and won't return until Tuesday. However, Tuesday is a "work day" with my mother, cleaning a large home; I plan to return to the County office Wednesday morning.

 

My mother seems to have been in a better mood since I've informed her that I've been staying on top of getting back on food stamps. However, I intend to continue keeping my distance; her good moods usually don't last long.

 

I've gradually been more strongly enforcing my own personal boundaries en route to a more independent adulthood:

This morning, she lectured me about the County benefits once again, demanding that I get the paperwork turned on today. She insisted on giving me a ride; I told her I would go myself, which I repeated several times (raising my voice a bit in the process) before she reluctantly agreed.

Earlier this evening, she asked if she could make my bed for me; I responded that I'd rather do it myself.

The idea is for me to make as many of my own decisions as possible.

 

Getting on General Relief (and back on food stamps) is not for my mother; it is for a secondary part of my overall game plan for greater independence: providing all my own food.

It's not financial independence since it's money from the government, but at least it'll displace more of my mother's power over me.

Plus, that money can be used for me to possibly move out even before having my own employment, via Hospitality Club (currently awaiting my membership).

 

***

 

pink_sugar: My financial situation consists of over $40,000 of overdue student loan debt and precious little income outside of helping my mother.

 

I don't know where you live such that food stamps are only $15/month (are you sure that's not a typo?), but where I live, food stamps are around $140/month, and General Relief is a bit of extra money on top of that (not sure how much exactly).

 

To me, it's not worth the paperwork, but I don't have a choice; my mother told me that getting on benefits was part of the "agreement" of living with her (nothing is in writing; it's just the nature of the power dynamics).

I'm nevertheless finding ways to extract triumph.

 

***

 

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do for Memorial Day, but I do not want to go to a barbecue. Memorial Day has much deeper symbolism than that: remembering those who sacrificed their lives during military service.

It reminds me of my own personal fight for freedom that continues day by day; over the past 8+ years, I've often felt figuratively dead, but I look forward to being reborn.

If you don't want to go on food stamp, have you tried bargain shopping. I save a ton of money by buying items in bulk and buying lots of the item when it goes on sale. I clip coupons, watch sales. It has changed my life and freed up money for my loans.

Since when is paying for your kids college a requirement of a parent?

 

Its not. If YOU (general you) want to go to college, then pay for it. Why should a parent be deemed the person financially responsible for someone elses education? that's ridiculous. Many community colleges are way less expensive and you can get your general studies out of the way and then transfer to a university for a 4 year degree. Many states have grants to help towards college necessities.

 

What about joining the military? What type of job are you looking for?

 

How come your mom is relying on food stamps - you said she had a 6 figure salary previously? I take it she isn't doing that type of work anymore?

 

Also - you describe your mom communicating with you as yelling at you, screaming at you, bombarding you...are these accurate assessments or just your version of her communication? Kids tend to be overly dramatic these days .... are you sure you are accurately portraying her?

 

You have to find your own way in life. Decide what YOU want. Stop being co-dependent with your mom. She will find her own way too. Seems like you have been her life and she is having trouble letting go. You say you went to college - I am assuming you went locally and lived at home?

 

Find your passion in life. Find your own happiness. Most parents just want the best for their kids -- each person has a different way of expressing that. Remember, parents aren't perfect. They make a ton of mistakes. We are all human.

 

Good luck.

 

I think we need to accept that some mothers are just mean, and their daughters are not exaggerating. Most parents might want the best for their kids, but not all do.

 

Maybe they say they do, but what they really want is to cripple the child emotionally so the child does not LEAVE.

 

Some see their kids as competition, extensions of themselves they must control, and so on.

 

Her mother didn't have an obligation to pay for the OPs education. True. However, most wealthy people I know who pay for their children's education. Most parents dont want their kids to be burdened by loans when they need not be.

 

The more important lesson for the OP is to not allow people to force their dreams on her, especially if they are not footing the bill.