Is he cheating? What do I do?

[Loveoflearning]

I appreciate all honest opinions and constructive criticism. Thanks

 

-Been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years, I see him as much as some married couples do.

-This is my first relationship, and I view him as a permanent partner.

 

He goes on a chat room with a group of people from a forum he visits.

A couple girls go on there.

One of the girls on the chat room has a thing for my boyfriend. She flirts with him and he feeds into it inappropriately. She acts like they are boyfriend/girlfriend. He says there is no need to tell the people on the forum/chat room that he has a gf. But he continues to make sexual comments and flirts.

I don't know what to do. He knows I hate the chat website and it makes me uncomfortable and insecure. I can't take it anymore. How do I approach the conversation without him knowing I know more than he thinks

[Breaking123]

Let him know all that you know. Then have an honest talk with him, and if he will not respect your concerns then try to move on. It will be hard, but you can do it.

[ascendotum]

You will get different opinions on this situation for sure. I allow a bit of latitude in my relationships and also want that freedom as well and don't want to have the insecurity over my gf talking to others or going out with friends without me, and vice versa.

For me your situation is not cheating. I believe people in relationships should be able to flirt and enjoy the attention of others as long as they don't cross inappropriate boundaries without it damaging the relationship or meaning that they love their partner less or plan to cheat.

 

If its sexual innuendo + light flirty banter I don't see it as a problem, especially if this girl is in another city/country. A little bit of an ego stroke and light titillation for him shouldn't effect your relationship. If it seems he is really looking forward to chatting with this girl and overly focusing on her and the chat is getting into dirty smutty personal talk and he is leaving you sitting in the lounge room on your own while he chats online, then its starting to become inappropriate.

 

You are insecure...why..because you think he will meet this girl or you just don't like your bf showing interest in any other girl?

As for your last question, if you have been using spyware on him or logging in secretly as another forum member then I don't know how you can make specific complaints without reveling how you know. Maybe you could say a friend of yours is also on the forum and knows his alias and seen what he is up to.

[Loveoflearning]

I just brought it up cause I couldn't go on longer with it weighing on me.

I tried to keep cool and calm but it didn't last and I started crying.

He's mad at me because he thinks I am phishing for something that will make me more upset...

He said he will try to go on there less and less and eventually stop. But he didn't say he would stop right away...

I don't trust that he will stop.

I asked him if I could be apart of the chat room to be cool with everyone like he is and he said no.

I don't want to snoop or know that things are inappropriate on there but I can't trust him because I've seen it.

[Breaking123]

I asked him if I could be apart of the chat room to be cool with everyone like he is and he said no.

 

This is a big red flag. He does not own or control you. You should not have to ask him permission to go to the chat room, nor should he tell you that you cannot go to the chat room. You have free will to join the chat room, and start chatting too. It should not bother him unless he truly is hiding something.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, do you want a boyfriend who likes to pretend you don't exist so he can chat inappropriately with other girls? You already know he does this. Is that acceptable to you? It would not be alright in my relationship. And of course he doesn't want you joining this chat room - you'll rain on his parade!

 

I understand this is your first relationship, but I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket with this guy. He is showing you he doesn't respect your boundaries nor you as his girlfriend. He is being inappropriate and he knows it. You just have to decide if you're willing to put up with that.

[d0nnivain]

If he was open about having a GF & you occasionally visited the chat room, I'd tell you to settle down it's just a harmless ego stroke for him.

 

 

However, since he's denying that you exist there is a problem.

 

 

You need to talk to him. But you don't have to play cat & mouse to try to trap him. Lay your cards out. Tell him straight up that him lying by omission really hurts you & you don't understand why he feels compelled to care more about protecting the feelings of some online girl he does not know then about your feelings. If he doesn't immediately apologize & agree to change his ways you have a decision to make: put up with it or vote with your feet & walk away.

[soccerrprp]

You will get different opinions on this situation for sure. I allow a bit of latitude in my relationships and also want that freedom as well and don't want to have the insecurity over my gf talking to others or going out with friends without me, and vice versa.

For me your situation is not cheating. I believe people in relationships should be able to flirt and enjoy the attention of others as long as they don't cross inappropriate boundaries without it damaging the relationship or meaning that they love their partner less or plan to cheat.

 

If its sexual innuendo + light flirty banter I don't see it as a problem, especially if this girl is in another city/country. A little bit of an ego stroke and light titillation for him shouldn't effect your relationship. If it seems he is really looking forward to chatting with this girl and overly focusing on her and the chat is getting into dirty smutty personal talk and he is leaving you sitting in the lounge room on your own while he chats online, then its starting to become inappropriate.

 

You are insecure...why..because you think he will meet this girl or you just don't like your bf showing interest in any other girl?

As for your last question, if you have been using spyware on him or logging in secretly as another forum member then I don't know how you can make specific complaints without reveling how you know. Maybe you could say a friend of yours is also on the forum and knows his alias and seen what he is up to.

 

Oh, man, what terrible advice/perspective on relationships, imho. Do you have any respect for yourself? Are you so broken that you are willing to let disrespect become a part of your view of what a "healthy" relationship should be?

 

OP, there is no way, based on what you've shared that this should be acceptable. No, fricken' way are you over-reacting. You've got to talk to him about this.

[cupic]

One of the girls on the chat room has a thing for my boyfriend. She flirts with him and he feeds into it inappropriately. She acts like they are boyfriend/girlfriend. He says there is no need to tell the people on the forum/chat room that he has a gf. But he continues to make sexual comments and flirts.

 

I will not argue on the morals of this issue, i personally do not agree with what he is doing.

 

However, Please consider the following. Ask yourself why is he exhibiting this type of behaviour? Is this type of flirting missing from your relationship? Usually when men begin looking outside of the partnered relationship it is becuase they are not getting the type of attention they need from their partner (including sex, affirmation, flirting, feeling desired, etc).

 

If he isn't getting this from you, he may start looking at other sources for attention. Lucky its just a chat room where no real harm can happen, and not, say, at a bar or club.

 

My advice. Talk to him. Tell him this activity makes you feel uncomfortable. And at the same time, show him some of the same attention he is getting from this chat room. If that doesnt work, then leave him to his computer and move on.

[ascendotum]

Oh, man, what terrible advice/perspective on relationships, imho. Do you have any respect for yourself? Are you so broken that you are willing to let disrespect become a part of your view of what a "healthy" relationship should be?

 

OP, there is no way, based on what you've shared that this should be acceptable. No, fricken' way are you over-reacting. You've got to talk to him about this.

 

I can still flirt with other women at work or when I'm out and about at lunch or shopping and imo it is not disrespecting my relationship nor is it effecting my appreciation of my gf. I know what is stepping over the line is, and it is not a hobby I go out of my way to do. The relationship can still be healthy....if I love my gf. If the relationship is damaged and the passion has faded, then flirting with others is going to increase the likelihood of cheating....not with me...but it will give me the confidence to easily leave the relationship if it seems it has run its course. If its a marriage then doing everything to restore the marriage will be priority. A little subtle sexual tension with others wont destroy a relationship, and I don't think I am being disrespectful of my gf, and I admit I have to have trust in my gf to be okay if she is doing the same. I've seen a lot of people who are not single, subtlety flirt with others at the different companies I've worked at other the years to bring a little joy to their dreary work day. If it escalates then its a problem.

 

If I was asking for a woman's phone number or secretly meeting them or telling them I am single or telling how much I would love to do this & this & this to them when we are naked, then that's a different story and is crossing the line. In this thread the guy is saying to this online girl he is single. I agree that's a bit sus, but its much more so if you say it to another person face to face. If the girl lives in his city then with greater likelihood he could meet her, then its a red flag if he tells her he's single. If she lives in New Zealand then it not going to result in anything. I'd assume if he says he is single the girl will keep the flirty banter going, than if he said he was not, and he obviously is enjoying it. If you were to make compliments or flirty comments to ExpatInItaly every now & then I would not call that cheating. I don't think it is disrespecting your wife/gf. If you were taking for gf/wife for granted and showing her no romance & not complimenting her, sexlife was pedestrian now, but were coming on here and were always flirting with EIT, then its starts to become inappropriate. If you were sending her dirty private msgs, then a lot more so. If you wanted to meet her when she was in the country, then we are at cheating.

 

The OP it seems knows a fair bit about the nature of his convos with this girl somehow. Some people are way overly insecure, but I don't know if she is that type. If she is crying then its obvious the level of flirting is hurting her, and it may be more than harmless fun...well in her eyes it is anyway and I think he should respect that. To back off on flirting to this girl is really what he should do to keep the peace with his gf. Quitting a forum just because your gf says so, I don't know if that's ideal for a guy to do. Allowing her to join the forum I thought was no big deal and would reassure her. At the same time its going to annoy a lot of people when their partner wants to chaperone them online as well,to keep an eye on them. As well for him to tell her what she can/cant do online as far as joining the forum is also bs. She should have just done so under an alias, though she wont see any private msgs he sends.

Edited May 22, 2014 by ascendotum

[Loveoflearning]

If he was open about having a GF & you occasionally visited the chat room, I'd tell you to settle down it's just a harmless ego stroke for him.

 

The people he converses with have become a habit daily to keep up with. It's a separate life in my eyes... And I am not part of it because he knows I don't think highly of those people based on things I have seen and heard.

 

However, since he's denying that you exist there is a problem.

 

 

You need to talk to him. But you don't have to play cat & mouse to try to trap him. Lay your cards out. Tell him straight up that him lying by omission really hurts you & you don't understand why he feels compelled to care more about protecting the feelings of some online girl he does not know then about your feelings. If he doesn't immediately apologize & agree to change his ways you have a decision to make: put up with it or vote with your feet & walk away.

 

Bottom line he knows how I feel about the forum/chat thing. If he decides to continue with it and be inappropriate or allow innappropriate stuff without saying he has a gf, then I feel lied to and cheated. He knows I don't go on there, so it makes me assume that he feels he can do whatever he wants online because what I don't know won't hurt me.

He told me anything verbal online means nothing and it's all just playing around.

[nescafe1982]

OP if he's flirting with other women online, and you're not comfortable with it, he needs to stop. Simple as that. If he's going to be a boyfriend, he need to respect the feelings of his partner. Chat room or bar next door... it's still flirting, and you're still uncomfortable.

 

If he won't stop doing this, it's time to rethink your relationship, sadly.

[Loveoflearning]

Quick update:

 

I snooped again. I looked at his internet history and he still visits the chAt room after he agreed he wouldn't go on it. He agreed to not go on the chat room because it made me feel better that he didn't.

Obviously I don't trust that he isn't visit the chat room that's why I snooped. I don't know what to do

[sterlingarcher]

Now you make sure he sees the consequence of what he did. Otherwise you are just allowing him to continue.

 

Break up or leave him temporarily.

 

You did the right thing in snooping because your gut feeling was right. He will probably get mad for your snooping, but he is the one at fault for abusing your trust.

[Loveoflearning]

Hi,

I might be ok with my partner flirting occasionally if our relationship was completely healthy, strong and happy. Ideally I would prefer not to see it.

I have no idea how he acts towards women at work or other places that I am not with him, but I have never even thought about it or questioned it because I was never insecure about our relationship before. I am insecure about our relationship now because of this issue with online chat room.

 

If my partners personality is slightly flirty, then I should have accepted that when I got with him 2.5 years ago. But I didn't know it.

He isn't up front or honest about any of it though. He hasn't said to me, "Hey babe, I am going to continue visiting this group chat room regardless of you not liking it because I think it's harmless and they way I act on here is just me and my personality."

Maybe I would respect that a lot more because I wouldn't be guessing and wondering the worst. If he was to say that, then I would also assume that it would be completely harmless for me to visit that chat room too. I want to feel secure.

 

He knows there is no reason for me to visit other than to 'snoop' or check to see what is said. But by involving me a little more perhaps I wouldn't be so scared of what he does on there? I don't know.

I would like to make friends online just as he has... it would be cool for me to also have a group of people that I chatted to online. But I don't. Am I jealous he is apart of something online? Maybe.

Also, no I don't need to be apart of every little thing is apart of. I don't want or need to be. We can have separate things. It's normal and healthy.

 

I don't want to chaperon him. I don't even think I want to be apart of the chat room. I just want to know he isn't lieing to me, pretending I don't exist or being inappropriate online.

The only way I will know for sure of that is if I go into the chat room and then present him with the information I have found. I have a feeling I won't like what I see, and second of all I don't want my bf knowing I snooped cause that's a whole other can of worms that will cause a rift in our relationship.

The only other option I see is to ignore it and try to forget (which hasn't worked). It tears me apart.

 

Part of me wants to see the chat room out in the open even when I am at his house as well as him knowing I visit it when I am at my own house, cause then that way I know he has nothing to hide from me. Another part of me wants it "out of sight out of mind" cause other wise it consumes me and I will lose sleep over it.

 

 

 

I can still flirt with other women at work or when I'm out and about at lunch or shopping and imo it is not disrespecting my relationship nor is it effecting my appreciation of my gf. I know what is stepping over the line is, and it is not a hobby I go out of my way to do. The relationship can still be healthy....if I love my gf. If the relationship is damaged and the passion has faded, then flirting with others is going to increase the likelihood of cheating....not with me...but it will give me the confidence to easily leave the relationship if it seems it has run its course. If its a marriage then doing everything to restore the marriage will be priority. A little subtle sexual tension with others wont destroy a relationship, and I don't think I am being disrespectful of my gf, and I admit I have to have trust in my gf to be okay if she is doing the same. I've seen a lot of people who are not single, subtlety flirt with others at the different companies I've worked at other the years to bring a little joy to their dreary work day. If it escalates then its a problem.

 

If I was asking for a woman's phone number or secretly meeting them or telling them I am single or telling how much I would love to do this & this & this to them when we are naked, then that's a different story and is crossing the line. In this thread the guy is saying to this online girl he is single. I agree that's a bit sus, but its much more so if you say it to another person face to face. If the girl lives in his city then with greater likelihood he could meet her, then its a red flag if he tells her he's single. If she lives in New Zealand then it not going to result in anything. I'd assume if he says he is single the girl will keep the flirty banter going, than if he said he was not, and he obviously is enjoying it. If you were to make compliments or flirty comments to ExpatInItaly every now & then I would not call that cheating. I don't think it is disrespecting your wife/gf. If you were taking for gf/wife for granted and showing her no romance & not complimenting her, sexlife was pedestrian now, but were coming on here and were always flirting with EIT, then its starts to become inappropriate. If you were sending her dirty private msgs, then a lot more so. If you wanted to meet her when she was in the country, then we are at cheating.

 

The OP it seems knows a fair bit about the nature of his convos with this girl somehow. Some people are way overly insecure, but I don't know if she is that type. If she is crying then its obvious the level of flirting is hurting her, and it may be more than harmless fun...well in her eyes it is anyway and I think he should respect that. To back off on flirting to this girl is really what he should do to keep the peace with his gf. Quitting a forum just because your gf says so, I don't know if that's ideal for a guy to do. Allowing her to join the forum I thought was no big deal and would reassure her. At the same time its going to annoy a lot of people when their partner wants to chaperone them online as well,to keep an eye on them. As well for him to tell her what she can/cant do online as far as joining the forum is also bs. She should have just done so under an alias, though she wont see any private msgs he sends.

Edited July 1, 2014 by Loveoflearning
adding on and making myself clear

[d0nnivain]

The on-line flirting is no longer the problem. The lying is the problem. He said he would stop. He didn't. He LIED.

 

You no longer trust him hence you snooped. Your suspicions wre confirmed. Without trust you don't have a relationship.

 

So my Q to you is, when are you going to tell him it's over?