Should I even be dating?

[SpiralOut]

My last serious relationship ended three years ago. I spent the entire first year after that just getting back on my feet financially, working on myself, all that stuff. No dating at all. The second year, I began dating again. Most of my dates were bad. There was one guy I liked, and saw for a couple months until he started treating me badly, so that's over now. In my third year, the dates I chose were slightly better. I had one fling in the summer.

 

This is the beginning of the fourth year as a single person. These past few years I have worked on myself. My social life sucks. I have worked hard to improve it. I worked on my older friendships that had drifted apart, and now I'm closer to those friends. They don't live in the same city as me though. In an effort to make more friends in this city, I have joined so many different groups. I still have no actual friends. My social life consists of meetup groups. That's it. I don't know what else to do anymore.

 

So this affects my dating. Should I be dating when my social life sucks? I worry men won't like it that I don't have any friends. But it's not like I'm not trying. I have plenty of hobbies and personal goals to keep me busy, so it's not like I'm going to demand his attention all the time. Am I supposed to just stay single in the meantime? I didn't mind it the first two years, but I'm lonely now.

 

It's depressing too that most of the men who pursue me aren't my type. When I say that, I mean they aren't nice to me, or they aren't over their ex-girlfriends, or they don't want anything serious. Am I getting these types because the normal men don't want a woman like me? I'm getting really fed up.

[Priv]

I don't see why not. Since when is having a lot of friends a prerequisite for dating?

 

Tbh. I find that outside school/uni 'adult' friendships stay more shallow. Great you rekindled some older friendships!

[potsticker]

answers in bold

 

 

I worry men won't like it that I don't have any friends.

 

Honestly, I think that it'd either be a non-issue, or the super territorial ones would prefer it. I think it'd probably be healthier though if you could at least find one female friend you can truly call a friend through and through. OFC, I'd imagine this would be even harder if you're in a committed relationship, as all the time and energy would probably go into it, leaving it hard to make time for friends.

 

Am I supposed to just stay single in the meantime? I didn't mind it the first two years, but I'm lonely now.

Am I getting these types because the normal men don't want a woman like me? I'm getting really fed up.

 

I don't think there's a problem with continuing to look for something. Ofc since you're getting lonely, it'll probably be harder and harder, but the chances of finding someone compatible is pretty low anyways. Just keep playing the numbers game with meeting people, and I'm sure you'll eventually find someone. As for the types of guys, the latter two is simply guy not knowing what he wants and lack of compatibility. Also, don't just look at what's coming at you, try to get a broader view of your social circles. There might be a shy guy out there really scared of approaching you or something like that not saying you should necessarily make the first move or not, but knowledge is power and all.

 

 

[nightbird101]

This kinda saddens me to think you get this. First off well done on getting on ur own 2 feet. As for dating i take it you just want a companion who treats you well and loves you for you (something im also seeking atm).

Im gonna just say it but most guys like that are normally to shy to talk to girls. Give them a reason and you'll be surprised. Soon enough youll get to know them.

This may be bad advice but hey something to take into account i guess

[Frank2thepoint]

I worry men won't like it that I don't have any friends. But it's not like I'm not trying. I have plenty of hobbies and personal goals to keep me busy, so it's not like I'm going to demand his attention all the time. Am I supposed to just stay single in the meantime? I didn't mind it the first two years, but I'm lonely now.

 

The controlling men will like that you don't have any friends. These would help their manipulative cause to keep you under their thumb. Obviously such a man would be bad for you. But there are some good men that would be supportive and encourage you to make some new friends. In general, even if you have one (or two) good friend(s), they make a world of difference in maintaining a healthy relationship with a man. But if you go out into the dating world telling men you don't have any friends, this will turn the good ones off because they may feel you will be extremely clingy. Just stick to mentioning your hobbies and goals in life. This will let the good men know you are strong and able to stand on your two feet.

 

 

It's depressing too that most of the men who pursue me aren't my type. When I say that, I mean they aren't nice to me, or they aren't over their ex-girlfriends, or they don't want anything serious. Am I getting these types because the normal men don't want a woman like me? I'm getting really fed up.

 

I don't know what kind of woman you are, aside from what you wrote in this thread. I do have to ask, are you attracting such men because you are consequently attracted to such types? Maybe they are more aggressive than the average guy, so you are swept up easily with the attention they give you.

 

In addition, you said you've dated men who aren't nice to you. Have you worked on establishing boundaries early on, and recognizing signs of disrespectful behavior?

 

Also, have you thought about what you want from a guy? What type you are attracted to? It helps if you really think about, even write it down, and analyze if a certain man is good for you. For example, overly aggressive men, with really high confidence tend to be disrespectful toward women (and men too) because they don't care about anyone except themselves. The typical "bad boy" which many women want to tame for themselves, rarely achieve it.

[SpiralOut]

The controlling men will like that you don't have any friends. These would help their manipulative cause to keep you under their thumb. Obviously such a man would be bad for you. But there are some good men that would be supportive and encourage you to make some new friends. In general, even if you have one (or two) good friend(s), they make a world of difference in maintaining a healthy relationship with a man. But if you go out into the dating world telling men you don't have any friends, this will turn the good ones off because they may feel you will be extremely clingy. Just stick to mentioning your hobbies and goals in life. This will let the good men know you are strong and able to stand on your two feet.

 

This is partly what I'm afraid of. I don't want someone to see the situation I'm in and try to take advantage of me. I don't tell someone new that I "don't have any friends" but I do worry that he'll notice it after a while and lose interest in me because of it.

 

I'm also slightly worried because my ex pushed me really hard to make friends, to the point that it made me feel bad. He was very pushy. It did not feel supportive or understanding at all, and most of the advice that he gave me was terrible. I didn't have many, but I did have a couple of close friends and I was busy enough with other things that I felt okay with my life. He complained all the time about not going out to parties, even though I didn't do anything to stop him from doing that, so he pushed at me to make more friends even though he was the one who hardly had any. I felt like he wanted me to go get a better social life so he could leach off of it. I know that most guys don't do that to their girlfriends, but the memory is still with me and it bothers me to remember it.

 

 

I don't know what kind of woman you are, aside from what you wrote in this thread. I do have to ask, are you attracting such men because you are consequently attracted to such types? Maybe they are more aggressive than the average guy, so you are swept up easily with the attention they give you.

 

In addition, you said you've dated men who aren't nice to you. Have you worked on establishing boundaries early on, and recognizing signs of disrespectful behavior?

 

Also, have you thought about what you want from a guy? What type you are attracted to? It helps if you really think about, even write it down, and analyze if a certain man is good for you. For example, overly aggressive men, with really high confidence tend to be disrespectful toward women (and men too) because they don't care about anyone except themselves. The typical "bad boy" which many women want to tame for themselves, rarely achieve it.

 

It is possible that I'm going for them because they pursue me. I only meet them if they have similar interests as me and if I don't notice any big waving flags right away.

 

I do recognize disrespect early on and I end things quickly before it gets worse. None of the men I've met for the past year have lasted more than two dates, simply because I am able to tell right away if they are for me or not. There were two that I liked, but they acted like jerks so I stopped seeing them.

 

I know what I want from a guy: someone kindhearted, and he needs to be capable of having an intellectual conversation. That's what seems to be lacking in all of these guys I meet. Some of them share my interests, but they don't have the same type of analytical mind that loves to pull things apart and talk about them. I also prefer someone who is able to connect through writing. He doesn't need to be a writer. This might sound weird but I feel as though I cannot connect with someone unless he writes coherent sentences.

 

There is ONE guy who somewhat interests me. He is from a meetup group. I am unable to attend most of the meetings, but I did start a conversation via email with him. He has shown interest in my favourite author and keeps asking me about him every time I see him so I just sent him a message to talk about it further. I know he is single. Anyway I don't expect that to become anything anytime soon.

Edited June 4, 2014 by SpiralOut