Hell on Earth

[Niqunar]

I just want feedback, might split this into parts just invade my browser screws up. I've been through alot, at first I didn't think this guy was a sociopath but now I do and the reason I let him come back into my life was bc I was desperate to prove to him that I was worth it. Naturally he just treated me like ****. Well we dated for 2 years from ages 19-21. In the beginning he was nice but he ****ed up at 2 months by letting his ex sleepover with him in the same bed while I was out of town, then he humiliated me in front of his mother after promising me it was ok that I could sleep over her house, the next morning I came down and she started yelling at me about being a Christian, then he told her for all he cared we could have sex on the couch or in his car when she wasn't there (like I was some common whore). He'd say that his mom was stupid and my mom was stupid because she didn't speak English well, when I refused to come over again he cursed me out and called me a ****ing stupid bitch and that I was stupid like my mother. He claimed to be best friends with his ex and he said I was overreacting when I got upset that he invited her along when we were invited to my best friends birthday. When I transferred schools 2 hours away he told me that it was taking me away from him and the salary afterwards wouldn't be worth it and that if we had an accident and he got me pregnant I should drop out of school and move in with him and his mother and go to the (****ty) vocational school he attended (that accepts pretty much anyone). He would tell me honors society was a waste of time and he'd tell me he'd never quit smoking pot. When I was away at school he'd demand to see me all the time, even if it meant cutting into my academic study time, then when I came back from break his ex cursed me out and called me a ****ing cunt and said that I spend too much time with him because he told her that I was uncomfortable with them hanging out all the time and going to parties alone when I was away. I didn't like her because she was mentally unstable, had been to the psych ward 3x for trying to kill herself and she cut and was anorexic. I also found out that she (let's call her j) left my ex m for Jo after a 3 year relationship. Her an Jo dated for 2 but at one point when her and Jo were split up for a few days m paid j for sex with him and then she got back with Jo. My ex would tell me all the time that she was crazy and not wired right and he even cursed her out in the car in front of me once. Then she tried to kill herself during break and he layer confessed that he was in debt paying her 1k ambulance bill and that she had no reason to like me bc I was an ******* to her. After we had that fight he cursed me out and made animal noises, then I found out from his mutual bandmates that he drove her to the Xmas party w/o my knowledge. I missed it bc I wasn't feeling well. His friend a told me that he felt something was going on and that I should dump him. After seeing the fb photos I confronted m and he said that his friends didn't know WTF they were talking about and that I live in a bubble. Then for his birthday I was out of town so he ended up inviting his ex in place of me for his family birthday dinner. He'd always talk about Howe rich my family was and he expected me to pay for everything from movie tickets to food gas beer and cigarettes. Eventually his other bandmates said stuff to me, d told me that m was up js ass and he'd bring her to the practice studio all the time, o said I deserved better and that he was a bad bf and s told me that m was projecting onto me. All of my friends at school agreed he was using me. When he came up to school to visit he'd act like a jerk to my roommate and roll his eyes and scoff. Then he Sartre doing LSD, dmt, molly and shrooms with his brother and friends. It's like he always had money for warmachine/warhammer tournaments (minature wargaming) drugs and beer but he'd always ask me to pay for dates. Only place he ever took me to was a waffle house. A week after our one year anniversary my dad ended up in the hospital on my 21st birthday. He had a botched heart operation and ended up in a vegetative state for 2.5 weeks before he died. On the first day he was admitted to the hospital I was super anxious and all my ex cared to do was smoke weed in the other room with his brother and female friend. Before my dad even died and was in the icu, before we even got the neurologists 2nd opinion I was crying one night and m told me to get over it bc my dad was abusive my dad deserved to die and he was a bastard and if he didn't end up in the icu he would have put him there himself. After he said that I cried even more and then he had sex with me. Then at the funeral all m could inquire about was can we get wasted tonight? Then 3 weeks after that his ex took his phone (he said he fell asleep yeah right) and she texted me you're a fat cunt **** you blah blah blah. Then I saw a message from her a few weeks later saying I love you to m asking why he wouldn't say it back (shocker she had a bf who I forwarded this to). When we were in his car that night she started calling him I asked him to pick up and he said no so I tried to answer and he backhanded me in the eye when I tried to grab his phone. He told me it was an accident but all of my friends told me he was full of ****. Then a few weeks after that when I was using his phone to make a call to his friend a m yanked me by the back of the hair so I dropped the phone then he told me how all his friends thought I was stupid and a loser bc I didn't go to parties with him ( I was too depressed to go drink and upset bc I gained weight). Eventually he'd come out and tell me that he didn't care about me or what happened with college so we broke up. While we were nc his ex would post pictures of them on fb and photo captions like "all by myself" trying to piss me off. Then 8 months after we split I found out j cheated on her bf ste with m and that m asked out his mutual friend k 3 months after we broke up. R told me that k rejected him and as a result m became bisexual and was making out with black dudes at the stupid drug addict hookah bar downtown. I ended up deleting my fb. A month later m contacts me telling me he's been chilling with one of his bandmates ex gfs sti who was a notorious slut. A few times it felt like he was trying to incite jealousy and he'd ask me out for a drink but I'd decline to see him. On vday a year after we broke up he'd text me and he'd get drunk and text me. I also found out that he celebrated his 21st with his ex j. Well I came home for a sem to wait in between college transfers to get my 2nd degree. I felt immense fear everytime he'd text me asking to chill and he'd try to say he could try to be a better person or that he was an ******* back then but I'd decline. A few months later I went to a show with 2 friends and they dosed me with something. I got a death threat from one of ms mutual friends a day later and then I ended up in the hospital (it was dmt I had a bad trip). Then there was talk of a video floating around of me on fb having a psychotic break and while I was hospitalized m's friends from that stupid hookah bar harassed me. It was so sick they tried to make it look like I was a schizo so I'd go complain to the dr about people talking about me. The comedian a stupid clown roasted a video of me having a breakdown and they deleted the video off of fb so the cops couldn't do anything. After several months of being bullied and trying to figure out WTF was going on I realized m and his friends had bugged my icloud through mobispy and had been monitoring me through the camera and mic and had been streaming it live to that ****ing hookah bar. I know it sounds off the wall but he's an *******. He'd also ask me to come over and drink (****). I just don't know what to do at this point.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Girl, he's an abusive ass. Thank god and cut this dickwad off straight away, block him and his crazy ex, and ask yourself why you'd want someone like this idiot in your life! If you want to end up preggers in a trailer with a drug dealing boyfriend, no food in the cupboards, and a black eye once or twice a week, by all means, go back to him.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Call the police over the other stuff. You'd better start keeping records of his harrassments. Don't drink or eat anything that hasn't been prepared by your hands. Sounds totally messed up!

[Niqunar]

I'm just so freaked out. I feel like him and hid friends did this to me bc they saw an email on my icloud between me and my best gay friend talking about how my ex and his friends were losers that did drugs (they did this to bring me down) and it makes me upset bc I ended up missing a sem of school due to being hospitalized. That and people in the music and drug scene around here bully me bc of stupid **** I said. I'm also mad bc I can never show my face downtown or at any of the music venues here ever again w/o bumping into that crowd.

My ex is also doing this weird thing, a few weeks ago he'd want to meet up to have sex and drink and fool around and now he's been ignoring me. He's not seeing anyone else but at first he'd ask to spend time together. I don't know what his problem is, I kept asking him if he was busy and the answer was always yes then one night I asked him when he would be free and he never responded and we haven't talked in a week. I don't know what his issue is tbh. My friends think he's a sociopath and it's weird bc he does that psycho speak thing where he says one thing but an abuse victim can read it as another last time we talked we were in the car and he started talking about how he likes wargaming and he likes to attack where it hurts, I feel like he was referencing 5 min prior when his ex called his cell and our song came up as his ringtone (I know she did it on purpose bc he probably texted her and told her to call while he was in the bathroom so I'd see the caller Id so it would piss me off). Some of you might understand what I mean, narcissists/antisocials purposely do things like this to their victims and word things certain ways.

I'm wondering if I leave him alone if he will try contacting me again.

[Niqunar]

And I know it sounds crazy but my biggest problem has been getting over irrational things he's said, the 2 therapist I've had said he was a son of a bitch and all my friends think the crap that came out of his mouth is just irrationally crazy.

I fell behind in school contemplated changing my majors from honors bs in bio/chem to social work or creative writing just so I'd have an easier major and more freetime therefore to appease him. He'd tell me college was taking me away from him and that the money wasn't worth it. I was lead to believe I was stupid even tho I'm academically inclined and I was in honors at college taking difficult courses when he had the gall to sleep around with a mentally slow girl 7 years older than him.

I wanted more than anything to be with him but I go back and think about when I was dating him and I remember thinking is this all there is to life here I am sitting around smoking and ****ing him when I could be out doing a medical mission or volunteering with sea shepherds instead I'm here wasting my life away with him and his deadbeat friend, but once I was out I regretted the good times. I guess they weighe out the bad times and the excitement that came from dating him outdid the boring labtech/student routine I had. When we had broken up all the things he said in the past hit me and I felt misguided I guess I attributed feeling miserable and stressed to the fact that I didn't listen to him. And the abuse messed me up so bad that I actually wanted to quit school and go back to him and return to a world of drugs, metal music and binge drinking against my friends protests. My roommate at the time was understanding and I regard her as one of my best friends now and shed get mad at me for not eating enough to lose weight to appease him, not focusing on school and something for myself, letting his texts stab me in the heart and she's get angry at me for even considering leaving the good life I had. I guess I wanted to believe that it would get better and he'd mature and learn to appreciate me. I know it's mad naieve but I thought I could have it all the career I wanted and the free time to still remain in the music scene smoke weed and date a rocker. I know it's a stupid thought bc if you don't have a supportive bf early on he won't get better bc gen only guys try hard during the early dating phase. I'd tell myself that he'd eventually slow down on the drugs finish school and get a real job and take **** seriously and mature. I'd tell myself that someday we'd have all the nice things a house with a yard 2 cars and a white picket fence maybe even a pool. I'd tell myself he wouldn't get caught buying drugs, he'd stop going to bars, he wouldn't hit me after losing me the first time. But my godfather who was previously a nypd cop/detective would ask me are you ****ing crazy? An abuser won't change bc he knows he can get away with it again, he doesn't have a good track record, he's telling you to take acid and dmt when you should know better, he's dressing in drag what would you tell your kids? He quit his stay at home computer tech job and went back to the pizza place to work what a bum, he's out 5 nights a week, his friends are all into drugs and **** he's gonna bring you down. He doesn't want the best for you he's taking your dreams and ambitions away. I also talked to my older friends one wasted her life on 2 alcoholics and another one had a child with another one and they both told me that I need to get the he'll away. Even when I had the bad trip on dmt I said if I had an autobiography it would be titled the woman that gave everything and got ****.

[pteromom]

I'm wondering if I leave him alone if he will try contacting me again.

 

Of course he will.

 

And when he does, you need to ignore it.

 

Actually, block his number, block him from social media, block his email.

 

Honestly it sounds like there is a lot of drama in this relationship outside his abuse, and you definitely need intensive therapy, but there is NO DOUBT he is abusive and very damaged.

 

My ex is also doing this weird thing, a few weeks ago he'd want to meet up to have sex and drink and fool around and now he's been ignoring me.

 

You say this is weird, but it isn't. He wants to have sex. He knew you'd do it.

 

And I know it sounds crazy but my biggest problem has been getting over irrational things he's said

 

You need to spend some time on your own, only working on yourself, without anyone else causing drama. Continue therapy -if the therapists you have aren't connecting with you, find a new one.

 

But STAY AWAY FROM HIM. He's bad news all the way around.

[Niqunar]

I'm just really struggling with the possibility he may have changed and I'm also really upset that he had to publicly humiliate me on a grandscale, totally videotaped without my consent. It hurts that his friends would bully me tithe point of being hospitalized then cover it up so the cops thought I was schizophrenic. At least I managed to convince the doctor that they were bugging my phone. I'm just really upset and annoyed with them.

[Zahara]

I'm just really struggling with the possibility he may have changed.

 

He's not changing, OP. His issues run so deep that the only way change begins is by his own introspection and self-awareness. And it's going to take years before real change takes place with the help of therapy and self-motivation.

 

Get yourself away from this man and stop continuing to damage yourself.

 

And yes, if you leave him alone, he will contact you. Why? Because abusers seek control. They seek to subjugate and they seek to manipulate you to get what they want. This man has done nothing but diminish you and I don't know why you are even entertaining his want to see you when you know that all he wants from you is sex. There is no love and there is no care. All he wants to do is use you.

 

Please. Get Away From Him.

Edited May 23, 2014 by Zahara

[Niqunar]

I dont know why his ex that he was abusive to still keeps in contact with him. I read one of her emails to him from 07 where she warned if you hit me again I'm going to leave and everything about you is wonderful except when you lash out.

I also don't see how he could try to keep control. The way he treats me makes me think I'm worth nothing, and it almost seems like he's been trying to piss me off. His friends post suttle harassing things on webstagram like hope your parents bought you a tombstone (pizza), they also post pictures making faces at the camera and I picked up on the fact that they bugged my phone bc they'd quote my texts and things I said in their picture captions. When I'm around him he'll start talking in narcissist-speak and referencing why I don't have thick skin, why don't I work out etc. He'll do weird **** like put on songs with titles like (your debt has been repaid, I want to kill you). I know that sounds super paranoid but me and my friends tested to see if my phone was bugged by making up random nonsense, shocker how my ex called to ask if I "went on vacation states away" asking if I had cancer. He also said something weird in 3 years you'll find out (referencing the statute of limitations maybe?) my friends have also seen the pictures on instagram and the spoofed emails so they understand where I'm coming from and they can understand the veiled threats. My ex has been recently posting pictures of what I term his new victim, maybe to make me jealous? I don't think I'd be as worked up over this is he had just left me alone.

[Zahara]

I dont know why his ex that he was abusive to still keeps in contact with him. I read one of her emails to him from 07 where she warned if you hit me again I'm going to leave and everything about you is wonderful except when you lash out.

 

My ex has been recently posting pictures of what I term his new victim, maybe to make me jealous? I don't think I'd be as worked up over this is he had just left me alone.

 

Why does she keep in contact with him? You can answer that question by asking yourself why YOU keep in contact with him. Someone that treats you badly and disrespects you -- why?

 

It's not his responsibility to leave you alone. IT IS YOURS. You want him to leave you alone, you block your phone from receiving anything from him, you block him on email and you block him from all your social media sites. You stop checking up on him. You stop engaging with people that know him and that add drama to your life.

 

No more excuses for you to keep harping on what he did, what he is doing, who is he with, why is he doing that, etc. Cut it all out.

[Niqunar]

It also hurts me how he Just dropped me and moved on he didn't stick with me during the tough times. My dad died, a friend of mine overdosed on drugs and I came down with thyroid cancer and my moms autoimmune disorder got worse and now she suffers from both that and unsightly plague psoriasis. Meanwhile both of his parents are alive, he finished his associates degree and he has tons of friends that all banded against me, since he works a crappy part time job he can get away with doing drugs (the mangers a freaking dealer) and he quit the stay at home comp tech job bc he couldn't handle the responsibility. Everything in his life fell into place yet he shattered mine. He'd come over to my house and make fun of me bc my mom was stupid and has an accent, he'd distance me from my friends until I had less than 5 and he'd tell me my kohls clothes looked like they were from walmart when he shops at thrift stores. When we dated he'd tell me not to dress up bc I was just seeking attention, he'd tell me he didn't like my eye shadow and he'd tell me clubbing was stupid and overrated. Well now he shops for drag clothes online and does all of that stuff he told me not to do. He would also say things like you don't need all that stuff but he'll go out and buy tons of miniature wargaming stuff, spend money on pot and buy jewelry.

It hurts me bc when I was with him he didn't allow me to focus on school, instead he'd push me to drop out and go to the tech school I wasn't enthused about. He'd tell me higher salaries weren't worth it and a couple could live off of a combined 50k easily. He'd also tell me that grad school wasn't worth it and I shouldn't stress myself out but the rest of my friends would argue yeah hell be saying that when it comes time to pay the rent and he'll be regretting that when he can't afford to go on vacation. Even my uncle who's owned multiple businesses questioned why what's wrong with bettering yourself is it a crime to like nice things how are you going to get ahead? My ex also used to tell me I was too materialistic bc I liked nice clothes and bags. He'd also tell me that I was autistic because I was so focused on research and sciencey things.

[Zahara]

I know it hurts you but if someone has been consistently cruel and mean, why would you expect them to stick around with you through tough times? There was no love or care. So why do you think he's going to turn around and suddenly show empathy and kindness to you?

 

You label him a sociopath and if you've read up on their traits, everything he has done shouldn't surprise you. I understand you're hurt but you need to start focusing on the reality of who he is instead of expecting him to be who you want him to be.

 

I'm not sure if you want advice or if you're just using the forum to vent. I don't hear you discussing the advice rather you venting about what he did. In any case, block him -- EVERYWHERE. Are you grasping this important step?

Edited May 24, 2014 by Zahara

[Niqunar]

Another fear of mine like you said is that he will probably come back... In addition to his ******* buddies. He agreed with me once that he thinks he's a narcissist and he had told me in the past that he has sociopath tendencies.

and considering he's publicly humiliated me to the point that every drug addict and bargoer in this town thinks I'm a schizo or crazy and the fact that he's tech savvy leaves me with even more fears. Some people were heckling me at the airport about what I said when videotaped.

[Niqunar]

It's just so hard to get over what he has done to me, I ended up reformatting my harddrive and my friends going to reset the wifi and look at the sysadministrator stuff on the network to make sure it's not hacked, I'm really creeped out. I've set every email to 2step verification, changed my cc info and shutdown all my social media.

[Niqunar]

You were right he came back again wanting to spend time with me unbelievable.

[Zahara]

You were right he came back again wanting to spend time with me unbelievable.

 

No, wanting to have sex with you. Did you ignore him?

[Niqunar]

I didn't respond. It just shocks me how he could inquire if I could come over when I know he talks about me to his friends behind my back and has such a low opinion of me. It makes me mad bc if I'm so stupid and fat and such a bitch/idiot/******* what ever could he want from me? If he's so great why isn't he out running around with other girls? He has some nerve.

[Zahara]

I didn't respond. It just shocks me how he could inquire if I could come over when I know he talks about me to his friends behind my back and has such a low opinion of me.

 

To him, it doesn't matter how he views you when he just wants to use you for sex.

 

It makes me mad bc if I'm so stupid and fat and such a bitch/idiot/******* what ever could he want from me?

 

I hate to be harsh but he knows you are emotional about him so he knows he can get you to do whatever he wants for him and again, it doesn't matter how he views you, if he knows he can get sex and attention from you, he'll do it.

 

If he's so great why isn't he out running around with other girls? He has some nerve.

 

It's because you are available. It's convenient to use what's available then to go out there and find new sources. It's easy, available and drama-free for him in the sense that he can be himself with you because you know the jerk he is and you will tolerate it. Going after new girls is work and effort to put on the charm to attract.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Zahara