It looks like lies, do I confront, let it go?

[Metta]

Hi all

 

I've been with my fiance just short of 18 months, not long, I know. Today I was looking at the bank account and I noticed a substantial (not huge, but substantial) withdrawal from an ATM. I double checked the transaction, as much as online would let me, and the transaction occured 5 minutes after my fiance had called me to say that his boss had wanted him to go and visit a site, and that he would not be home at the time he had specified, but two hours later. Initially, when he phoned me, it didn't bother me - I'm used to his work being unpredictable. But the trouble is, the location of where this money was withdrawn was many, many miles away from his work, and even more miles away from where he said his boss wanted him to go and check out the site. The location of where the transaction took place was very close to his best friend's house.

Here's the issue: he clearly lied to me by saying he was at work in one end of town when at the time of his phone call to me and the time of the ATM withdrawal of a good amount of cash were less than 5 mins apart.

Secondly, he was in the area of town that was really close to his best friend. I don't have an issue of him visiting his best friend, so why would he lie? The only misgivings I have about his friend is that his friend smokes, and has also had a speed habit. When we got together, I told my fiance that I would not tolerate him taking speed. Since then he has said that he is clear and would let me know if he wanted to, since he knows I wouldn't get angry at him. So my mind is going something like, that amount of cash, in that area of town, = possible speed or other snortable drug transaction?

What bothers me most about it is that he knows I wouldn't be bothered if he had gone to his friend's, but instead he told me he was on the way otherside of town with his boss!

When he arrived back from so-called 'work', he arrived precisely on time. He never does that. The only reason I noticed was that he drew attention to it. I noticed at the time that he smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, but I assumed that it was from the work office (he works in an industry with high number of smokers). I do know that earlier in the day he was where he said he was, at work, because of a transaction (I was just trying to tally up where our cash was going), so he had made the effort to drive quite a distance to the other side of town to the area where his friend lives. I do not know am not sure if he has other friends in that area. One thing is that it was the morning of a working day, unless his friend had a Rostered Day Off, I would've assumed normally that his friend was at work.

 

So today I am in the shed and I notice on top of a cupboard the edge of a cigarette packet. So I climbed up and found on top of the cupboards several empty cigarette packets, and also a plastic bag that had a number of butts in it, some half smoked, some not. I also found a packet of rolly papers.

I then opened the cupboard underneath and found more empty cigarette packets.

 

I realised that he has been lying to me about his smoking. When we got together, not quite 18 months, I told him I was not willing to date a smoker, so to my huge surprise, he quit. He's had his slips here and there, but I've never got angry about it, I used to smoke myself, I know how hard it can be. I've tried to be supportive rather than critical. He has always said to me that he he felt okay about it even if he did slip because he knew I wouldn't get angry. So there's been a few times where he has just burst out that he had a cigarette. Once, more recently, he said it almost contemptuously, which hurt and shocked me. I was hoping to be a means of support, not one to he sees he needs to defy. Hes' been on his quit for just over a year. Three weeks ago I went out for an appointment and it ended quickly. He didn't hear me come home, I walked into his shed and immediately smelled fresh smoke. He walked in, and turned white as a ghost and started shaking like a leaf. I didn't yell or scream, he immediately admitted that hed had a smoke, that his best friend had left half a ciggie there last time he rolled a joint and that he had stashed it away. I just said, "stashing half a cigarette is planning to smoke", he agreed. But my main issue was why had he lied to me. So today I find all these empty packets and the butts, which, to my mind as a former smoker, he is breaking apart and making up rollys with the paper, I realise that his statement that he feels ok and can be honest with me about smoking is BS.

I should also mention here that he smokes grass; not a lot of it and he doesn't seem addicted, but I let that one go because it seemed like more fight than it was worth, even though I don't like it, and from the beginning, preferred that he didn't. I only stipulated that he not smoke grass with tobacco in the mix, since it only seemed to cause tobacco cravings. He uses patches, which I think is a terrific idea.

 

I realise smoking is a terrible addiction and hard to give up, and I've not ever had a go at him when he's succumbed - I've been more likely to say how great he's doing for all the ones he hasn't smoked. I try to be supportive and help him look at what might have happened, and what strategies he can try in future testing situations. So he's also lying about smoking, but I kinda understand that a bit more, it's an addiction, and he is probably afraid of losing me. After all, told him in the beginning that I wasn't going to date a smoker; he chose to quit, he knows that it is a potential deal breaker.

 

Ok, so my question is this, he lied about his whereabouts last week, and he's been lying about smoking. But the whereabouts thing also involved a chunk of money, enough money to buy either snortable drugs or, heaven forbid, sex, or, the transaction could be an innocent cash withdrawal, I have no way of knowing. I only know that it was in the vicinity of where his friend is, so to me, the logical conclusion to traipse over town from his work was to see his friend. But why would he hide this? He knows I wouldn't have an issue with it, except if he bought drugs. So, what do I do?

 

Do I...ignore it for now and see if any more evidence of deception comes up?

Ask him about the discrepancy about where he said he was when he phoned me, (at work) and what the bank statement says that is, at an ATM many miles away from where he said he was calling? (I am reluctant to reveal my source, as the bank statement could give me more information if I don't let on... I don't have access to his CC statements).

 

I would appreciate any thoughts on this. Clearly this is a trust issue and I dont' want to marry a man I can't trust. Okay, I get that he's lied about the smoking, and that it's an addiction..I can let that go, but is it just showing a character trait? What bothers me most is this other one.

I have been through all the statements and I cannot find anything else that I could question...most transactions that don't have me around seem to be cash withdrawals.

One part of me wants to think there is a perfectly logical explantion for this, another is now not so sure.

 

So, bring it up with him, or wait? I did some research and there was a suggested to collect enough evidence before confronting a spouse; though that seemed to relate more to a spouse for infidelity.

thanks

Metta

[d0nnivain]

Confront is an angry word. I wouldn't do that but I would talk to him.

 

 

If you don't have trust, you don't have the foundation for a marriage.

 

 

I'd calmly point out the discrepancy to him & ask for an explanation. Do not theorize because for all you know he was buying you a wedding present

 

 

But money is a common cause for divorce. You have to talk about this.

[GypsieFlower]

I think if you guys share your money , sure mention it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just say hey, I noticed a relatively large sum went missing, was just wondering what that was so I can have an accurate record of our finances for tax time or something.

If you don't share finances and you were essentially snooping, it's probably best to leave it alone about the finances.

 

 

Yes it is obviously a form of worry for you but A if he knows you snoop he will try hide it, and B if you're snooping it isn't really your business.

 

 

It seems to have set you off as you decided to look through his shed too.

 

 

I'm not judging you at all, trust me I have been there, and it does sound suss, but there could be a valid reason and you " confronting " him could be showing him that you don't trust him, even though there isn't a reason not to, and it may make him rethink your engagement if even now you aren't trusting him, especially since you haven't been together long.

 

 

As donnivain said, try discuss with him calmly that you found the cigarette butts, and that you understand it is hard to quit. Maybe allow him like a few a week, maybe one smoke a day, so he doesn't have to hide at all?

As a smoker who has quit for my partner, I don't buy cigarettes, but if there is an opportunity to smoke at a friends I will take it. If you give him the ability to smoke a small amount, I doubt he will feel the need to hide. Not saying he wont slip the occasional extra a day, but at least he isn't blatantly deceiving you.

If you have a joint account or shared finances, just calmly mention that since he lied about the smokes, and you know the transaction occured near a friends house that snorts drugs, you are a little concerned he may be lying about that too.

 

 

Se how he responds, because even if he doesn't admit to it, he will probably show signs of lying.

[Eivuwan]

I think if you need to go through this much detective work to check on him then there are serious trust issues. I suggest not getting married until these are resolved. Yes, you should talk to him about it.

[Metta]

Thank you, Donnivain and GypsieFlower for your wise reponses.

Yes, "confront" is, well, a "confronting" word - I guess I shouldn't have used it, because I know that an aggressive or accusatorial confrontation will go nowhere and may make things worse.

 

So yes, a calm discussion expressing my concerns is what I had in mind. And you are right, trust is a huge issue in a relationship, which is I suppose why I am so worried about this - if someone is willing to deceive intentionally this early on, it can only get worse.

I feel terrible about the smoking - perhaps my saying I'm so proud of him etc is what has made him hide it more. In an effort to be supportive, perhaps he felt too ashamed to admit that he is lapsing more than he lets me know about. I do know that after the day I came home early and caught him, at first I was upset - more about the deception than anything - probably because up until then I had not experienced any deception from him in any way, so it was a shock to me - then later I rethought it and I said to him that perhaps I was expecting too much of him when dealing with a 30 year addiction, and I said I was sorry and I wasn't angry with him. He then burst into tears, which surprised me, so I hugged him. He didn't say anything - it just seemed to me like tears of relief or self-disgust or something, and I suppose I took that to mean he was really sensitive about smoking and what I might think. So i just soothed him and told him he was a good man and I could see he was trying and that I loved him and wasn't going to leave. He calmed down.

 

As for the bank account, I wasn't snooping as it is a joint account. I was trying to track where the money was going since we seem to go through it so quickly. It was then that I noticed the strange transaction, and the date and time, and that's when I recalled that he had called me to say he was going out to a site with his boss. My mobile phone confirms the time of the incoming call, and it's within less than 5 minutes of the ATM transaction which was on the other side of town from where he said he was going to be.

 

I do think though I might need to let up on the smoking, as you suggest. He smokes dope, but I relented on that because he was really not prepared to give that up for me, (he stopped party drugs on my request) and I later realised that he didn't get stupidly stoned and comatose as I have seen others get with it, I figured giving up cigarettes was hard enough, so I gave in on the grass. I don't like it, I don't love it that he does it, but I decided some battles aren't worth fighting. I make him smoke it without tobacco as a filler because it triggers cravings for ciggies and he's not allowed to kiss me without first washing his face and mouth (pot stinks).

 

So perhaps I should consider letting up on the smoking to some degree. I mentioned e-cigarettes to him once, that I would be ok with that if he really felt he couldn't quit, but he said he didn't want to, he wanted to quit completely.

 

So thank you again for your sound suggestions.

cheers

Metta

[Metta]

Hi

I appreciate your concern. I do have my own bank account. This one is the joint one.

thanks

cheers

Metta

You're not even married to the guy. Why do you share an account? You should have your own bank account. All women should have a separate bank account from their joint account with their significant other.

[beach]

Let him be on his own. You can't control him.

 

He will obviously do what he wants to do.

 

It looks like you two aren't a good match. You intend to change him and he intends to hide his truth from you.

 

When you need to change these kinds of things about someone you're seeing - it's the world shouting at you that it isn't working.

[GypsieFlower]

Hi

I appreciate your concern. I do have my own bank account. This one is the joint one.

thanks

cheers

Metta

 

 

 

I also have a joint bank account with my partner, and like you, also have separate ones, and we have been together a little less than you and we're going to be engaged in less than a month(he let it slip). I find it easier to have all the money in one place to be honest.

 

 

I think everyone is different, but if you are committed and both approve, a joint bank account isn't an issue.

 

 

I really think coming at it like" just trying to track our expenses" will make him feel a bit more open to tell you the truth.

 

 

Also with the smoking, I know when I lie to my partner about smoking with friends, which is still rare but even so, I will not tell him or say I didn't because I know how much he hates it and I know how much he wants me to quit and how much he is proud I stopped, and I don't want to disappoint him. There isn't a lot you can do to stop him lying. If I was allowed a smoke here or there, I probably wouldn't lie, but I'm not. So once a month or so when I see my friends I will have one and I won't always tell him.

 

 

Giving him an allowance as such could really benefit your trust problems.

 

 

Have you had an issue with lying for a while now? because smoking feels like something quite minor to have lost trust over. Have you been cheated on by an ex or something to develop a bit of a trust issue with your partner?

[Metta]

Beach

 

I appreciate what you are saying. I'll put it this way: when he first started pursuing me, I told him I was not interested in dating a smoker, nor would I tolerate drugs. That was not me trying to change him, that was me laying out before a relationship even developed what I would and would not accept. He was then free to do what he wanted. I did not enter into a relationship or start dating him and then laid out my preferences. I put them out there straight up, because my concerns were as you say - if he wanted to do those things, then we would not be compatible.

 

I told him he was free to do those things, I just didn't want a partner who chose those things as part of his lifestyle. He chose- he decided that he wanted a relationship and to pursue me more than he wanted smoking and drugs. It was his decision. I actually expected that after I made my preferences known, that he would walk away. I assumed that old dogs don't change. But to my surprise next thing I know is he comes around with nicotine patches and makes a big show of putting them on (it was kind of endearing). I didn't demand he do this, he had a choice. We were not in a relationship. He could have stuck with his lifestyle and gone and dated someone else.

 

As for the grass, although in the beginning I was terrified of it, eventually I got used to it, and got over it, and it really doesn't bother me at all, now, other than the smell, because he doesn't over-use it. The only thing that bothers me about it is that it, like any drug, has health issues, but so does wine.

 

I hope this helps clarify things. If he does in the end choose to go back to his former lifestyle, I would be sad, but he says he loves the changes I've helped him make, that he wanted to make those changes, but didn't have the incentive until he met me. All the women in his old social circles would simply have been 'enablers', as they had the same habits. I too am learning to be a bit more flexible, eg, by backing off and getting used to the grass smoking.

If he does choose to go back to his old ways then I would have to stick by my original stipulations and boundaries. It would be sad, but I don't think telling someone up front what you will and won't accept is trying to 'change' someone; that's being frank. What they choose to do with that information is then up to them. Even if he may be thinking differently now, at the time, he chose to come into my world, which required some substance use changes. He was happy, really happy, to do it. He tells me all the time how happy he is to have me, that I make him very happy, and he likes the changes he's made.

 

And you know, in the end you might be right, we might not be compatible - that was my initial misgiving about him, I suppose it's just see how things pan out. Thanks again for your comments

[Metta]

The girl gets the teddy bear! Yes. I have been very aware of it, very aware of this terror of being betrayed again, and telling myself not to overreact. Which is I guess why I recant on the grass and the smoking because you are right, it is a small issue. Yet I somehow felt it was detrimental to the success of our relationship. I had stipulated up front that I would not date a smoker. He had the choice, he could have walked away. But he chose to pursue me, date me. So I guess when I find out he smokes, I feel the relationship is threatened, because my fear is that addiction will take over and I will have no choice, meaning, honouring my boundaries, but to leave. And I would hate to do that. So when he smokes, a part of me inside goes, "why are you screwing us up?". He's not, of course, but the cigarette to me threatens that addiction will take over again and that will mean the end of us.

My former partner was a chronic liar and very deceptive. Sometimes it was over stupid things; things that if he'd been straight about, there was simply no issue! I was with him for 7 years. I once asked him why he felt the need to lie all the time and he said he didn't know. I got the impression that it was his way of maintaining his independence. I often felt like I was dealing with a 47 year old man stuck at age 14 - rebelling against a perceived authority just because he could.

 

Going back even further, my family of origin was a pit of lies, deception and gaslighting. Father an abusive alcoholic, mother also abusive, also deceptive. I know I have deepseated trust and security issues. Awareness is the first step to overcoming. As long as I am aware that I am reacting, I can take some sort of control over it. But the initial feelings, when they arise, are hard to control. What a perceptive woman you are!

 

Have you had an issue with lying for a while now? because smoking feels like something quite minor to have lost trust over. Have you been cheated on by an ex or something to develop a bit of a trust issue with your partner?

[GypsieFlower]

I am very glad you are aware of it. Some people blindly stick to their guns and are adamant it is just the smoking , in this case, when it is usually other things.

 

 

I do understand exactly how you feel. It is incredibly hard to trust anyone when you've had trust broken so much in your past, even if they haven't done anything, and it makes it so much worse when they actually have, like the smoking for you.

 

 

I also feel like I am glad my partner wants me to quit, and it is in my best interests, but every now and then I just crave them. Honestly the only thing that stops me is the fact we don't usually use cash to be able to watch our finances more, so if I bought a packet, he would definitely know since we have a joint account.

 

 

I know I could probably excuse it if I REALLY wanted to, but that is enough incentive for me to think he will know and be disappointed therefore I shouldn't do it.

 

 

I am wondering why you fear the smoking/ addiction will ruin your relationship? Have you had issues with substance abuse other than your family with alcohol? Is it the smell and the fact it deters you so much?

 

 

I get what you mean of him making his own choice to quit and that when he smokes you feel like he is risking you over a cigarette, but I feel like he thinks along the lines of a porn user - if she doesn't know, she stays happy, I stay happy and we all win. I really do not think he is trying to risk your relationship as he obviously cares for you very much as is willing to give up a lot for you.

 

 

I think you know what to do in regards to the transaction, so that's all fine, and keep us updated, but I would really like to hear your answers to my questions and statements above, as I may be able to give you some tips as I have been on both ends of this and I do understand.

[beach]

But he is lying.

 

And he's also using and smoking.

 

Those were deal breakers for you. Why are you giving him a hall pass considering all his sneaky behavior.

 

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

 

His lack of character and integrity is showing. Pay attention - it's supposed to alert you that he's crossed so many of your boundaries that you stated were unacceptable.

[GypsieFlower]

But he is lying.

 

And he's also using and smoking.

 

Those were deal breakers for you. Why are you giving him a hall pass considering all his sneaky behavior.

 

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

 

His lack of character and integrity is showing. Pay attention - it's supposed to alert you that he's crossed so many of your boundaries that you stated were unacceptable.

 

 

 

There is no proof he is using, only that he was smoking. And it sounds like a relationship she doesn't want to lose over smoking if she can help it.

 

 

As far as we know everything else is great, he hasn't cheated, only lied about where he was, and I am sure she will find out the truth when she asks him about the transaction. Again, it could have been for a gift, and the closeness to a friends house could be coincidence.

 

 

And by so many you mean one? Smoking. He stopped the party drugs, and there is no proof he is using again, all he did was smoke, and smoking is incredibly hard to kick, even for someone with very strong resolve.

[Metta]

Beach

 

Thank you. You make good points. I don't know for sure that he is using, that is speculation, based on an amount of money and the location of where it was taken. But I take on board what you are saying. I have to wait 2 days before I can have any conversation with him as he is away.

 

Why am I giving him a hall pass? I don't know that I am, but I've had advice, and read posts from people with spouses with a smoking issue , that the lies come directly out of addiction. I do understand that. Many years ago I was going through a hard time in my life and before I knew it I was drinking way more wine than I wanted to, and I was deceptive about it (hiding bottles). No one ever confronted me about it, but I knew I was behaving in ways that supported the addiction. So from what other people have said, I wonder whether I was expecting too much - that a smoker of 35 a day for 30 years could just quit. He did well for a while, had some relapses, got back on the horse, but seems to be relapsing again. Moreso now that he has got me living with him. I too was a smoker in my teens and early 20's, of around 8 years, and it took me about 3 or 4 to quit.

 

So a hall pass, as you say, is perhaps me thinking that maybe I've been too hard or expecting too much or too soon, GypsieFlower seems to also suggest cutting him some slack or coming to some arrangement that might make it that he doesn't need to lie. Addiction is really tricky. I am trying to not be rigid, here. The ultimate goal in the end is total quit, but it may mean a slower path, I don't know.

 

I guess that's why. Sometimes more information and greater understanding someone adjusts their position on something. I think to be rigidly dogmatic is not healthy, either. I do take your points, though.

thanks

cheers

Metta

[Metta]

There is no proof he is using, only that he was smoking. And it sounds like a relationship she doesn't want to lose over smoking if she can help it.

 

Correct.

 

As far as we know everything else is great, he hasn't cheated, only lied about where he was, and I am sure she will find out the truth when she asks him about the transaction. Again, it could have been for a gift, and the closeness to a friends house could be coincidence.

 

I doubt he's cheated. I also think that although it's possible, there is something that doesn't add up about the speed. Even if he bought speed, he was getting on a flight in two days, there was no way he could have taken it with him. I know he refuses to fly with any grass on him or in luggage. Although I have never seen sniffer dogs when we have flown domestically, I guess there are ways these things can be detected. I can't imagine he would buy it and then not use it. That amount of money would be for more than a person could sniff in one sitting. I also never seen signs of a speed 'hangover' or 'coming down', he's always upbeat. His friend, on the other hand, who has admitted to a daily addiction, sometimes goes very flat and doesn't want anything to do with anyone because he's depressed from coming down. This guy is 52 years old. My guy never shows any signs like that. If anything, he has gained weight since quitting smoking. It is of course possible that he's stashed this, too, somewhere in his shed. But I would have thought it would have been roughly in the vicinity of the butts and the empty cig packs. I doubt it was for a gift. He would likely have presented it to me by now. He loves to make a big show of gifts when he gives them. Yes, it is possible it is speed. I think the location of being near his friend is not a coincidence. There may also be other friends in that area (he knows a lot of people, popular guy) that I don't know about. I do know this much, it appears there's been a lie about where he was, that is a red flag and smells of fish.

He seems very in love with me and is very generous and seems always like he wanted to make sure he didn't do anything wrong. Afraid of losing me. That said, he used to be a party boy, so I have to look at it with that in mind.

thanks

cheers

Metta

 

 

 

And by so many you mean one? Smoking. He stopped the party drugs, and there is no proof he is using again, all he did was smoke, and smoking is incredibly hard to kick, even for someone with very strong resolve.

[Metta]

I've another question: he's clearly lied about where he was, so to my mind, that's a red flag. I wonder, when I bring it up with him, is it ok for me to ask to view his call log and text messages for the morning in question? I'm not interested in his entire phone log, just that morning/day or maybe also the day before.

That would pretty much tell me what went on (another woman, or meeting his friend for a drug deal or not). He's already lied, so to me, the burden of proof is now on him that he did not do something that I would not approve of.

Thoughts?

[GypsieFlower]

Yeah that's probably a good idea. Only problem would be if he thought ahead and deleted it all.

 

 

Although if he does that you have even more to worry about because it means he has pre meditated it all and knew he did something wrong, and he knows to hide it all.

 

 

 

 

It is a good idea though, I would probably do it if he didn't tell you the truth straight up. Even if he does, it will be a good way for you to trust him if it turns out not to be anything major.

 

 

Also all the talk about him going away and it being improbably from lack of a hang over and such kinda makes it seem like he isn't using again.

 

 

Is there anything else you think it could be?

[Metta]

Thanks, GypsieFlower. I would only ask him for the phone if I sensed he was lieing, but I mean, he already has lied! But what I mean by that is lie even further about what he was doing.

 

You're right, he could've deleted it, except you can't delete call records (you can text) with the androids we have. He was the one who told me this.

 

As for what else could it be, I'm not sure. What worries me about it is that he knows I would be fine with it if he said he visited S----, even though the guy is a heavy smoker, drinker and speed head, he's an ok sort, once you get to tolerate him. He holds down a job. Which is the other thing, I would have thought his friend was at work that morning. It's possible that he had a day off, possible, I don't really know. I've never had a problem with my guy going there, just said, "make sure you wear a patch, it's more tempting for you when you are with him". He's fine with this.

If he wanted to goof off work and go see his friend, I would have had no problem with it he works very hard and very long hours normally- his 'work' day wasn't an official one, anyway, he was just dropping in to the office to drop something off, and that's when his boss allegedly asked him to go out to site for his opinion. This site was way out in the sticks - a very long way from where his friend lives, and where that ATM transaction took place. I do know for sure that he initially did go into the office, because the first transaction of the day was in that suburb (perhaps breakfast, I don't know, but it was small and in the area he said he was). So he definitely initially went into his work. Which is also a long way from his friends's place and the place where the ATM was. So some time after he phoned me early from work to say he would be home at 11, he then rang an hour and a half later, about enough time to cross town to the ATM, he rang me at 11 saying his boss wanted him for the other site. But 4 minutes after that call, was when the ATM transaction took place. And he didn't come home until 2 hours after that. Strangely, he rocked up at exactly the time he said he would. Normally if my guy says he will be home at a certain time, you can about depend on adding another half to an hour before you get another call saying, "I'll be home in 20". It's a bit of a joke and I've gotten a bit more used to it (it does piss me off a bit, though, I tend to be the sort of person who turns up on the hour I said I would, not be so casual about it. But that's how he is). He doesn't judge the time he needs properly; mostly in social situations. But on this day, he zoomed up right on time. Even he remarked on it and drew my attention to it. Now that I know about the lie, to my mind this is possibly his subconcious feeling guilty, so he is unconciously 'making it up to me' by coming back on time, for once.

 

At first I thought it might have been for bills, but it wasn't, because the next day he paid a chunk of bills - with the card. So the cash was an extra, prior transaction.

 

I'm stumped. It's possible it was just convient to get a chunk of money out there and then whilst visiting his friend - but why lie?

I seriously doubt he would be using prostitutes. He's got terrible psoraisis of the groin, and sex makes it flare up and sting. He has sex with me, but at a price (pain). I don't think he would consider it worth it to be paying cash for sex and coming away with an even itchier and sore rash! We are also still in the 'honeymoon' stage, and he's still very turned on by me, at this stage, so not bored yet, at least not that I know of. He doesn't have a high libido or performance, both are waning now due to his age 51. So I don't think a prostitute would not be that much of a thrill for him, it might be too much 'work' if you know what I mean.

[GypsieFlower]

Yeah I get it.

 

 

Well if it isn't drugs or women, I don't know if it could be much else besides a debt you may be unaware of, or maybe a gambling problem he has recently taken up?

 

 

Maybe that friend needed some help with money, and he wasn't sure you would approve giving money to a druggie so he thought he would do it without your consent and get forgiveness later? This seems like a more likely reason.

 

 

Also the fact that he took cash out of your joint account, knowing you could see, seems like an indication he wasn't really trying to hide? Like if he was really trying to he could have taken it out of his own private account or something?

 

 

How soon did you find this before he went away and when is he back?

[Metta]

Hi again

You bring up some really good possibilities. His father, now deceased, was a bad gambler - one of the reasons why his mother eventually left the guy. He was not a good man, he was a bad man. I knew him briefly and he did something disgusting to me, (but didn't touch me), and then treated me abominably. This is over 20 years ago. I was friends with my fiance for about 7 years back in the late 80s mid 90s. We almost had a romance going then - and I knew his father (shared a flat with him, briefly, actually). My guy also admits his father was a bad man and did some terrible things. My guy was the only at his father's death bed when he died of lung cancer 3 years ago. My guy says he never wanted to end up like that - old and sick and lonely, a life full of mistakes - like his old man had done. But yes, his old man had a gambling problem. Whether he did later on, I don't know, I dropped out of the picture for 20 years. My guy doesn't show any interest in gambling or pokies at all, just once in a while if the lotto has a huge prize he will buy a ticket.

But giving money to his friend does make sense, yes. Whether for a loan or whether to buy a motorbike part - they are both heavily into dirt bike racing, it is their obsession. That would make sense. Bike parts would make up to $300 , for sure. Thanks for helping me think of it! I would never worry about him spending on his hobby, it's what makes him happy. He knows that.

 

Whether I would approve? Of his giving money to his friend? Well, in some ways I feel can't argue. Right now I don't have an income; I lost my job last year, before he moved me into his house. I am trying to reskill as I'm less marketable and employable at my age. So I notice a lot of high $ transactions coming out, but I feel I don't have the right say anything or ask him about them, because to my mind, it's his money. So I don't say anything. I just notice. I try to work out sometimes where the money is going so I can spend wisely - I have a weekly allowance that I use for housekeeping - food for us, household stuff, vet bills, petrol, birthday gifts etc...regular housewifey stuff, I guess. He is fairly generous with this. So I don't say anything about these larger cash withdrawals when I see them, I feel since I am not yet contributing financially, that I have no place to. But I just like to keep an eye on things so that I know whether I can ask for more money or a particular purchase if I need to. That's why I look at the statements.

 

However, in this case I do feel the right to say something, because he lied about his whereabouts at the time.

 

I noticed the discrepancy in the statement after he went away, but it had occurred 2 days before he was due to go away. He goes away a lot for work. A lot. Just found out he has started the drive home and will be home tomorrow, so we can all find out a lot sooner!

 

For hiding stuff, he could use his CC card. I never see the statements,so that's really easy for him. Sigh, it's all a fairly new set up to me, living here and being dependent - which I am working toward not being - I don't like it-makes me feel very vulnerable.

thanks again you got a good head on your shoulders :)

 

 

 

Yeah I get it.

 

 

Well if it isn't drugs or women, I don't know if it could be much else besides a debt you may be unaware of, or maybe a gambling problem he has recently taken up?

 

 

Maybe that friend needed some help with money, and he wasn't sure you would approve giving money to a druggie so he thought he would do it without your consent and get forgiveness later? This seems like a more likely reason.

 

 

Also the fact that he took cash out of your joint account, knowing you could see, seems like an indication he wasn't really trying to hide? Like if he was really trying to he could have taken it out of his own private account or something?

 

 

How soon did you find this before he went away and when is he back?