I think I should tell his wife what a creep he is

[heyjesse84]

Here is the deal. Forget whatever else I may have previously said, lies all came to surface recently. Long story short, was with a MM for over a year. No intention to leave ever, ever. I could never leave a man who cheats on his 14 year marriage with someone way younger than him.

 

But anyways, I come to find out all his addictions to porn, and came to find out he has cheated before, and spends a ridiculous amount of time "interacting" with women online. Like a total perv creep. I knew I wasn't getting the best guy since he was cheating in the first place, but he gave me the same sad story about how his wife isn't ever physically there for him.

 

In the back of my mind I knew these things about him but since it was just a companionship and sex I didn't honestly care. (The sex was amazing). However he broke it off with me a couple weeks ago because he really felt "guilt" and needed to work on his marriage.

 

Well, I said that's fine, of course I was deeply hurt, he gave me the same song and dance I love you words...I loved him in ways, he was one of my best friends. I told him fine and even gave him advice and said I wanted the best for him. I said he needs to quit the porn and interacting with all these women and not do this again because that's what's hurting his marriage. He agreed and said he knows I'm right and he's done with it all and wants to focus only on his wife.

 

Well, I won't go into detail but he is right back at it again! I don't get it! Obviously an addiction issue but seriously I feel insanely bad for this woman. He always told me how wonderful she is and blah blah blah. Well why the hell is she deserving of such a creep. I genuinely feel awful for her.

 

This is not out of revenge, this is not out of me wanting him AT ALL. I could never ever be with a man like that.

 

What on earth do I do?!? I can't imagine knowing what I know and just crossing my fingers and hoping she finds out.

 

He is a really good liar, travels for work, etc etc. They say women are in denial but no, I'm pretty sure he is just that good.

[Baller25]

I'm pretty sure he is just that good.

 

If he's that good then he's probably good enough to make you out to be a crazy lying hoe. The word 'crazy' is damaging to women just as much as 'creep' is to men — as soon as someone brands you that then it's very difficult to shake it off.

[2sunny]

Better to find out for yourself why you chose this and work on fixing that about yourself.

[underwater2010]

First...I don't buy the line that you feel awful for her. If you didn't have an issue cheating with him for over a year...then finding out he is a "perv" is going to change that. I think this does from the angry/revenge side of you, because he dumped you and still continued on his "creepy" ways.

 

All that said....please tell her. I would want to know. But you better have proof and be prepared for her rage to be directed at you. You know that you would be angry if you got the "I have been sleeping with your husband for a year" line from someone.

 

If you can handle it....do it.

[heyjesse84]

Thankfully. ..and perhaps crazily... I saved many of our conversations just in case this day ever came down. Yes, I guess a part of it is for revenge. But not because he left me because I wanted him in a committed way, but because he is just another lying creep in this world and I'm not a fan of those and don't have much concern for them. I'll admit I'm selfish.

[beatcuff]

... because he is just another lying creep in this world and I'm not a fan of those...

 

confused why you just HAPPENED to realize this AFTER he moved on.

[Ailsa1983]

Thankfully. ..and perhaps crazily... I saved many of our conversations just in case this day ever came down. Yes, I guess a part of it is for revenge. But not because he left me because I wanted him in a committed way, but because he is just another lying creep in this world and I'm not a fan of those and don't have much concern for them. I'll admit I'm selfish.

 

His wife probably knows, I highly doubt she's stupid enough to not know about his behaviours he's her husband she will know him better than he probably knows himself, as for why she allows it ? Maybe she's happy with it as long as he doesn't bring it to her doorstep.

[Red123]

confused why you just HAPPENED to realize this AFTER he moved on.

 

I agree. He Was married when you were with him obviously you knew he was a liar. Why now do you feel for his wife but not when you were with him?

[SoleMate]

His wife probably DOESN'T know. We've had many cases where BW explain how their long-established and heartfelt trust in their husband, plus the high quality of his carefully crafted plausible lies, totally overrode any red flags that may have been waving. Up to and including denunciations by fOW.

 

You can try telling her, I suppose.....I'll let the BS crowd advise on that as they are usually PRO-telling....but they'll be among the first to admit that you are likely to be disbelieved and accused of being a liar or slut....or even lying slut as if that made sense. You may be attacked verbally. Depending on the MM, you may find him kicking in your front door or slashing your tires. The effort you'd have to put forward to be convincing would be more than packaging a few emails, especially if you remain anonymous. You'd need a full dossier, timeline, affidavits, photos, document trail, and full statement from you. Is it worth it?

[scatterd]

I think telling her is the right thing to do. His wife may not know he is this way he could be good at hiding his addiction and so on. She may suspect and have no proof to take action. I know someone that is going through hell right now trying to find out the truth of her husband. He has changed and acting weird and trying to play her as crazy. Sometimes proof is needed to take action. I think you would be doing the right thing. Good luck

[MatchStick]

What on earth do I do?!? I can't imagine knowing what I know and just crossing my fingers and hoping she finds out.

 

He is a really good liar, travels for work, etc etc. They say women are in denial but no, I'm pretty sure he is just that good.

 

There may be differing opinions, but I would just walk away. Once upon a time, I told a girlfriend her boyfriend was seeing both of us. I felt perfectly justified and that 'she needed to know.' I'll never do it again. It prolonged the pain for everyone.

 

It sounds like you don't want a life or association with this guy. Wrap it up, and call it quits. The W of 14 years needs to figure things out for herself. What do you think will happen if you do? I bet the the guy will Mea Culpa, and then go back to his ways and keep her too. Take care of yourself.

[goodyblue]

There is no reason for you to butt any further into their marriage. If he is the creep you say he is, she knows. You don't need to be the one who shouts it through a fog horn. Let it go. Move on.

[whichwayisup]

But anyways, I come to find out all his addictions to porn, and came to find out he has cheated before, and spends a ridiculous amount of time "interacting" with women online. Like a total perv creep. I knew I wasn't getting the best guy since he was cheating in the first place, but he gave me the same sad story about how his wife isn't ever physically there for him.

In the back of my mind I knew these things about him but since it was just a companionship and sex I didn't honestly care. (The sex was amazing). However he broke it off with me a couple weeks ago because he really felt "guilt" and needed to work on his marriage.

 

Well, I said that's fine, of course I was deeply hurt, he gave me the same song and dance I love you words...I loved him in ways, he was one of my best friends. I told him fine and even gave him advice and said I wanted the best for him. I said he needs to quit the porn and interacting with all these women and not do this again because that's what's hurting his marriage. He agreed and said he knows I'm right and he's done with it all and wants to focus only on his wife.

 

Well, I won't go into detail but he is right back at it again! I don't get it! Obviously an addiction issue but seriously I feel insanely bad for this woman. He always told me how wonderful she is and blah blah blah. Well why the hell is she deserving of such a creep. I genuinely feel awful for her.

 

This is not out of revenge, this is not out of me wanting him AT ALL. I could never ever be with a man like that.

 

You contradict yourself so many times here. Your A was casual yet he was your best friend and you loved him and were hurt. No way was this casual. You invested a lot into him and he broke off the A with you to work on his marriage. Fact is, he isn't working on his marriage and is still cheating or doing whatever behind his wife's back. Seems to me this IS revenge, that he broke off the A with you yet is continuing his cheating behaviour, even though he told you otherwise.

 

You and him are over so try your best to let go, don't lurk what he does online or snoop to see if he has another OW. Who cares? Just be glad you're rid of him. Grieve the loss, let go and focus on you and your own life, forget about him.

 

You weren't concerned about his wife's feelings at all while having an A with him yet now the A is over and you're wanting his wife to know what he's up to?

 

IF you tell her, own your part in all this. Admit that you had an A with him.

[Scorpio Chick]

Ok. You might want to tell his wife for 'revenge'. Well, that's on you, and that's your issue, if you will, solely between you and God, if you believe in Him. No LS member is involved in your life, we don't pay your bills, help you with anything else in your life other than advice, so no matter WHY you tell her, it's YOUR deed to own. No one else's. Some, no, a lot of people will scold you for even thinking of telling his wife, and they will scoff at you and snicker at you while shaking their head in disgust at you. Let them judge.

 

But the fact is, what could it possibly matter WHAT YOUR motive is for telling her that her husband is a lying sack of s--t? So because you're upset at him for supposedly SUDDENLY developing a conscious regarding fidelity to his wife, as if that is the truth with him, YOU'RE supposed to in essence, protect him? Hey, he carried on with you presumably behind his wife's back and dropped you like a sack of trash, making up a phony excuse. He has the right to do that, so don't misunderstand me there, but, it IS hard to take. The cheating, deceptive, completely self-absorbed <cough, cough> husband, suddenly realizes he's been doing something wrong? Rah ha ha eallllly????? Pfft. Give me a freaking break. Mark my word, he's dropping you suddenly like a hot rock because there's SOMETHING in it for him. The world revolves around him, after all.

 

Tell his wife. Tell his whole family. You don't owe him protection. You think he's caring or thinking about you AT ALL? Did he have amnesia or a disease of the brain every single instance of texting you, sexting with you, of having sex with you and didn't know he was married? Do it if you want because you're pissed royally at him. Who cares? So the supposed awfulness of you informing the wife out of revenge trumps suddenly the terribleness of the affair you carried on with him? I don't think so! Tell her.

 

One thing you should realize too is don't be surprised if his wife knows. And don't assume she will be shocked or outraged. She may, but she also may not be.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[Matilda75]

I sense that you have been deeply hurt and you are trying to do the right thing. Perhaps by warning the wife something positive will come out of it all.

 

In some ways you could have been describing my husband, a love and sex addict willing to destroy everything in order to feed his insatiable desires.

 

If you came to me I would thank you for your concern, and assure you I am aware of the situation and have made the adjustments necessary to protect my heart. Like you, I will never trust him again.

 

But there is a chance the wife is not aware, or not completely aware of the depth of his depravity. As a BS I tend to think she has the right to know. However, sharing your truth could devestate her. Perhaps the safest route would be to tell her of your affair and stress that its over. But skip sharing all the crazy addiction behaviors. You will have given her enough of a clue that she likely could figure out the rest in her own time.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Do tell her for the sake of being honest and hopefully cluing her in on some things she very well might not even know, but don't sit there and act like it's out of anything but revenge and don't act like you just found out he was a "perv".

 

He dropped you, likely for someone newer and more exciting and you're upset about it, I get that; but you knew he had been married for more than a decade when you started seeing him and you knew you weren't his first affair, so why ever would you think he's some morally upright citizen?

 

Your thought process is so foreign to me because it's almost as if you genuinely believe his other new affairs or online interactions with women are problematic but him sleeping with you on the side was all perfectly fine and well.

[KathyM]

I think you should tell his wife, regardless of your motivation for doing so. She has a right to know, and she probably doesn't know at this point. You would be doing her a favor by letting her know.

[Ruffian1]

"I think you should tell his wife, regardless of your motivation for doing so. She has a right to know, and she probably doesn't know at this point. You would be doing her a favor by letting her know."

 

 

I agree with Kathy.

 

 

It doesn't matter what your motivation is. It is the right thing to do.

 

 

Woman up and tell her.

[goodyblue]

I'll quietly remind you that sometimes BS's go nuts. Sometimes they turn you in at work if it was a work affair and you lose your job. Sometimes they stalk you. Sometimes they confront you in front of your children. Sometimes you have to get an order of protection.

 

So... before you talk, keep all of these things in mind.

 

But, as everyone has said, it's your choice. Just be careful.

[Sub]

Thankfully. ..and perhaps crazily... I saved many of our conversations just in case this day ever came down. Yes, I guess a part of it is for revenge. But not because he left me because I wanted him in a committed way, but because he is just another lying creep in this world and I'm not a fan of those and don't have much concern for them. I'll admit I'm selfish.

 

Well, since you benefitted from his lies, the nobility of trying to bring lying creeps like him to justice rings hollow. If you do tell her, I wouldn't expect her to necessarily be appreciative of such a favor.

 

Also, I'm a little confused. Is it the porn addiction you want to warn her about, or the fact he had an A? Or both?

[Awake]

Thankfully. ..and perhaps crazily... I saved many of our conversations just in case this day ever came down. Yes, I guess a part of it is for revenge. But not because he left me because I wanted him in a committed way, but because he is just another lying creep in this world and I'm not a fan of those and don't have much concern for them. I'll admit I'm selfish.

 

You're no better than him, and you admit it right here, you're selfish and you would only be telling her for selfish reasons. You can't have him so no one else can either, so you plan on blowing up his world.

 

If he lied to you about leaving his wife for you and then threw you under the bus it would be one thing, but you both knew that nothing was going to come from your affair other than what you got.

 

You'll be telling his wife for horrible reasons, I say just keep it to yourself as you don't have a leg to stand on here.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Awake

[Realist3]

You're no better than him, and you admit it right here, you're selfish and you would only be telling her for selfish reasons. You can't have him so no one else can either, so you plan on blowing up his world.

 

If he lied to you about leaving his wife for you and then threw you under the bus it would be one thing, but you both knew that nothing was going to come from your affair other than what you got.

 

You'll be telling his wife for horrible reasons, I say just keep it to yourself as you don't have a leg to stand on here.

 

I agree with this. Things went sour and now you are just looking to muck things up. She lives with him. She knows he is a schmuck.

[Owl]

I agree with this. Things went sour and now you are just looking to muck things up. She lives with him. She knows he is a schmuck.

 

But she well may change her mind on continuing to live with him, based on the new knowledge of the DEPTH of his 'schmuckiness'.

 

If she knew the full truth, she may well change her mind on living with him.

 

Whether the OP does it out of concern for the BS, or a desire to 'muck things up' doesn't really matter.

 

HE betrayed his wife...she deserves the chance to know the truth, to make her own INFORMED decision on what she wants to do based on that knowledge.

[Awake]

But she well may change her mind on continuing to live with him, based on the new knowledge of the DEPTH of his 'schmuckiness'.

 

If she knew the full truth, she may well change her mind on living with him.

 

Whether the OP does it out of concern for the BS, or a desire to 'muck things up' doesn't really matter.

 

HE betrayed his wife...she deserves the chance to know the truth, to make her own INFORMED decision on what she wants to do based on that knowledge.

 

While you do make a good point, the informing would be coming from the wrong person.

 

OP is obviously a person that is OK with having an affair, she knowingly took part in an affair with no intention of staying with the MM if he divorced his wife. She never hinted at feeling guilt for having an affair and has never stated that she will never become involved in another. This is not someone that turned their life around and is confessing out of guilt, for all we know she could find another married man and do the same thing multiple times. That would be the very definition of a homewrecker.

 

If you're into affairs, and don't plan on stopping, then you should not ruin it for others, period. We only know her side here, her exMM could be treating his wife golden for all that we know. It is not unheard of for men and women to use an affair to fulfill themselves and und up treating their spouses even better than before.

[KathyM]

her exMM could be treating his wife golden for all that we know. It is not unheard of for men and women to use an affair to fulfill themselves and und up treating their spouses even better than before.

By the very nature of cheating on and lying to his wife, he is treating his wife like the dirt under his shoe which he can walk all over and she has no power to do anything about. That is not treating his wife golden by any stretch of the imagination. Being a fake husband who puts on a false facade by acting the faithful husband at home while he's figuratively stabbing his wife in the back is not my idea of treating his wife golden.