I think I should tell his wife what a creep he is

[Realist3]

But she well may change her mind on continuing to live with him, based on the new knowledge of the DEPTH of his 'schmuckiness'.

 

If she knew the full truth, she may well change her mind on living with him.

 

Whether the OP does it out of concern for the BS, or a desire to 'muck things up' doesn't really matter.

 

HE betrayed his wife...she deserves the chance to know the truth, to make her own INFORMED decision on what she wants to do based on that knowledge.

 

Obviously in every situation like this there are noble reasons for your position. No argument from me on that.

 

Up until a couple of weeks ago she was perfectly fine with letting this porn addicted 'creep' to screw the crap out of her. She even admits she was hurt by his decision to call it off. Now all of the sudden it becomes important to gain a set of morals. BS! She would still be screwing him to this day if he was agreeable, and she would say nothing. You enter into that type of relationship and you take it to your grave.

[stillafool]

I think the time to have told her was when he first start hitting on you not after you found out he is trying to woo more OW. However she does deserve to know what type of man she is married to. Probably the only thing that will straighten him up is the loss of his wife.

[Ruffian1]

"her exMM could be treating his wife golden for all that we know. It is not unheard of for men and women to use an affair to fulfill themselves and und up treating their spouses even better than before."

Even if he is treating her "golden", which I highly doubt, she should be given the truth about her life. Let her chose. She can then have the option to say, ok, keep treating me "golden" and you can have the OW too. Or not. Maybe she want to have the option to see other and be M too.

 

 

Would you be happy if you W was treating you "golden" and sleeping with another man. Maybe you would, but you would want to know what was really going on with her and her "OM".

[Awake]

"her exMM could be treating his wife golden for all that we know. It is not unheard of for men and women to use an affair to fulfill themselves and und up treating their spouses even better than before."

Even if he is treating her "golden", which I highly doubt, she should be given the truth about her life. Let her chose. She can then have the option to say, ok, keep treating me "golden" and you can have the OW too. Or not. Maybe she want to have the option to see other and be M too.

 

 

Would you be happy if you W was treating you "golden" and sleeping with another man. Maybe you would, but you would want to know what was really going on with her and her "OM".

 

It would have been much better than how she did treat me during her affair, I was treated like cheap and all but ignored. And chances are, she's still cheating.

 

Ask anyone on here, everyone has the ability to cheat, it's really only a matter of time and opportunity. So really, as long as she treats me ok, then we're ok and I don't care what she does. Now if she treats me badly again, then we have a problem.

[Awake]

By the very nature of cheating on and lying to his wife, he is treating his wife like the dirt under his shoe which he can walk all over and she has no power to do anything about. That is not treating his wife golden by any stretch of the imagination. Being a fake husband who puts on a false facade by acting the faithful husband at home while he's figuratively stabbing his wife in the back is not my idea of treating his wife golden.

 

I respect your opinion, but highly disagree. No one here knows how he feels about and treats his wife. You have your head in the sand if you think that a WS can't still love and treat their spouse well.

[goodyblue]

I respect your opinion, but highly disagree. No one here knows how he feels about and treats his wife. You have your head in the sand if you think that a WS can't still love and treat their spouse well.

 

Not only this, there's the unknown question of how his spouse treats him.

[Awake]

Not only this, there's the unknown question of how his spouse treats him.

 

Exactly, and he may feel pressured into staying with her due to family commitment, kids etc. Or he may be working his way up to leaving her. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

 

OP telling her for a vindictive reason like this could ruin this man's chances of building himself up to leave his wife, or he could just be a sleaze, non of us can know.

[violet1]

There's always risks to cheating. The AP telling your spouse is one of them. Every WS should be wary of this during and after the affair. I know I certainly was. There's no guarantee that the person you sleep with is going to take it to their grave. If you never want to get caught than you shouldn't have an affair. Period.

 

I don't get why so many people are bashing the OP. For one, if the MM is cheating with multiple women it puts the wife heavily at risk of catching an STD. Catching a disease is not considered as treating the wife "golden". I'm not usually in favor of the OW telling, but in this case I think it should be considered because of the STD factor alone.

 

OP, it's up to you on what you want to do. If you tell, have lots of evidence in hand. It's possible the MM will throw you under the bus. If you work with him or are part of their social circle it could heavily back fire on you. Just be safe and good luck!

[violet1]

Exactly, and he may feel pressured into staying with her due to family commitment, kids etc. Or he may be working his way up to leaving her. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

 

OP telling her for a vindictive reason like this could ruin this man's chances of building himself up to leave his wife, or he could just be a sleaze, non of us can know.

It's irrelevant what the MM's reasons are for staying. If you cheat, you take on a lot of risks willingly. The OP's reasons for telling are also irrelevant. They'll both have to face the consequences of their actions. It's not the OP who's blowing up the MM's world. He's doing that on his own by having an affair.

[Popsicle]

Serial cheaters (which are rare, IMO) are the only ones I'm a fan of blowing the whistle on, but only if the wife does not know, but I think most of the time the wife does know and still stays.

[KathyM]

I respect your opinion, but highly disagree. No one here knows how he feels about and treats his wife. You have your head in the sand if you think that a WS can't still love and treat their spouse well.

We do know that he lies to and cheats on his wife. THAT is how he is treating his spouse horribly. All of the other miscellaneous stuff he might do as a husband does not make up for the horrible way he is lying and betraying her.

[goodyblue]

Serial cheaters (which are rare, IMO) are the only ones I'm a fan of blowing the whistle on, but only if the wife does not know, but I think most of the time the wife does know and still stays.

 

Exactly this. Every time I read about a wife who didn't know I am surprised. We are women. We are intuitive. We should know. I would know. I would know something was amiss long before there was an affair.

[HermioneG]

Exactly this. Every time I read about a wife who didn't know I am surprised. We are women. We are intuitive. We should know. I would know. I would know something was amiss long before there was an affair.

 

Actually, studies show the opposite is true.

 

The longer you have known a person, and the more intimate you have been, the more entangled emotionally, the easier it is for them to lie successfully.

 

Crazy, right? But loving a person and having a history with them makes it harder to discern a lie, not easier.

 

Here's a jumping off spot into the research on it:

 

https://www.msu.edu/~levinet/deception.htm

[Awake]

We do know that he lies to and cheats on his wife. THAT is how he is treating his spouse horribly. All of the other miscellaneous stuff he might do as a husband does not make up for the horrible way he is lying and betraying her.

 

Again, that's your opinion and I respect that, but we all know that reconciliation is highly possible, even pushed for here, If the WS didn't love their spouse, this would never happen.

 

Also, you only think that it's horrible because you've been taught that it's horrible, nothing more, it's all a matter of perspective. If his affairs aren't causing him to treat his wife poorly, then no big deal. Same goes with women in an affair.

 

It's been beat into my head that everyone is capable of having an affair, that you can't be sure about anyone, ever. Affairs are on the rise for both men and women. If you think that it's horrible, then that's your opinion, many don't think that it is, including OP when she chose to become involved in an affair with a MM>

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS and I would want to know- I do caution you on all the "evidence" you have-our OW also saved every email, text, VM, etc... what ended up happening is when she slipped over the edge is she uses it to harass us- she sends me the VMs, the texts, etc... it makes her look vindictive and sad- I am thinking when she is feeling better and has healed she will wish she did not use all of that-she will wish she had deleted it all so she did not have it for when she was feeling low and vindictive-her saving it also allowed my husband to see there was always something bubbling under the surface, a mean streak that she hid from him and possibly herself-

 

Now, my husband is no better of a person than she- he did some pretty crappy stuff too so don't think I am giving anyone a free pass- just passing on some hindsight to help you think about what you have and how you can use it in a way you may regret-

 

Back to topic- yes, everyone is entitled to the truth of their lives- although in a perfect world it would come from the WS or from a place of healing and regret but the world is not perfect so I would take it any way I could get it (I received an anon text and although painful and vindictive, I am still thankful for it)

[Ivy2014]

I don't think their marriage is any of your/our business (I mean myself with my exmm here, too). I can't see why anyone would want to open such a can of worms. Move on and don't sink to his level. Yes the BS deserves to know but absolutely not from you. You will feel terrible about yourself down the line if you tell her. She is not your concern, him neither. Just look out for yourself and put as much distance as possible between you all. This would just keep you involved in a really messy situation.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Ivy2014

[Sub]

If his affairs aren't causing him to treat his wife poorly, then no big deal. Same goes with women in an affair.

Setting the bar kind of low here. While it's true that WS's don't necessarily treat their spouses "poorly", and can still show love, affection, etc., I think it's fair to wonder: Would they be treating them better if they weren't engaged in an A? Wouldn't less divided attention be healthier? Plus, like you said, it's a matter of perspective. I'm sure from the BS's perspective, she wouldn't consider the deceit of an A "no big deal".

[Awake]

Setting the bar kind of low here. While it's true that WS's don't necessarily treat their spouses "poorly", and can still show love, affection, etc., I think it's fair to wonder: Would they be treating them better if they weren't engaged in an A? Wouldn't less divided attention be healthier? Plus, like you said, it's a matter of perspective. I'm sure from the BS's perspective, she wouldn't consider the deceit of an A "no big deal".

 

And on the other hand, maybe being engaged in an affair is allowing him to treat his wife even better.

[Sub]

And on the other hand, maybe being engaged in an affair is allowing him to treat his wife even better.

 

Even if this is the case - which I think would be an outlier if anything - it implies that he can't treat his wife well without having an A. I think that's a serious indictment about the state of their relationship. Can you expand on how an A is allowing him to treat her "better"?

[goodyblue]

Even if this is the case - which I think would be an outlier if anything - it implies that he can't treat his wife well without having an A. I think that's a serious indictment about the state of their relationship. Can you expand on how an A is allowing him to treat her "better"?

 

Everyone talks about the plethora of reasons for an affair, when THIS is what needs to be addressed.

[violet1]

And on the other hand, maybe being engaged in an affair is allowing him to treat his wife even better.

Than he must be a pro at lying and compartmentalizing. Two relationships at once is a lot of maintenance. Not something I want to do again. I don't care what anyone says, an affair does take away from the primary relationship. I think you are justifying affairs because you're currently in one. I did the same thing.

[Awake]

Than he must be a pro at lying and compartmentalizing. Two relationships at once is a lot of maintenance. Not something I want to do again. I don't care what anyone says, an affair does take away from the primary relationship. I think you are justifying affairs because you're currently in one. I did the same thing.

 

Eh, not really, I am of course comparing our relationship from before her affair, during her affair, after her affair and in my current affair. I do try to keep an open mind, as not too long ago I was with the other BS's and exWS's here, I was against affairs period, no matter what.

 

Perhaps it's just the OW that I found, but our relationship is strictly FWB's, we don't delude ourselves with any thoughts of "Oh, they may leave their spouse for me, I better look forward to that and put all of my hopes on that". No, we both keep each other as best friends (with benefits) and continue to work on our marriages. To be honest, I was an exit affair for her, but she has since changed her mind and started working on her marriage. I have also put more effort into my marriage than I did before, and it shows for a variety of reasons that I won't go in to.

 

If anything, I am justifying affairs because that's what has been beat in to my head, they happen, everyone is capable, there are no guarantees etc. So, if you can't beat them, join them.

 

I don't expect any of you to believe me, but that does not make it not true. And no one here can know anything about MM's marriage, good or bad.

 

And that is why I think OP would be in the wrong to tell her exMM's wife, she was willingly a part of this affair, she was ok with MM's ways during the affair, and now she wants to tell? No way, she needs to just let go and leave them alone.