NegativeBecky Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I need some advice and please try not to label me (I understand where most of us might be coming from but please don't use that anger on me, I don't even know you). I know I don't deserve her friendship anymore but can't help it but still think there will come a day she'll forgive me. Long story short, under influence both of us did some stuff except sex and then I just threw up right away. This happened way back in March when I needed someone to take me home because I couldn't keep up anymore. Then Mike (my friend's bf) takes me and another friend to his house to rest. That's where things started escalated fast till I felt sick. Ever since that Mike has been texting me a couple times about having feelings for me and that he's confused. I would ignored them and at one point told me to stop texting me and it was wrong what happened that day. A couple days ago, he tells my friend everything (including the having feelings for me part). Off course she confronted me after breaking up with Mike and slapped the hell out of me. It was the hardest slap ever that it even drew a bit of blood on my nose and I tripped. That's about the first time I've ever seen her that angry and at the same time heartbroken. Normally I would have slapped back if it were under regular circumstances but I don't think I even had any rights to protest at all. I tried to explained her what happened but she told then how she doesn't want to hear from me again and how friends don't do that. She didn't believe that we really didn't have sex. That's the truth. We kissed and fonded each other but didn't screwed. I'm so upset at Mike. Why did he had to tell? Couldn't he just break it off? He doesn't even seem affected by the break up. Can our friendship ever resume again? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I'm so upset at Mike. Why did he had to tell? He did the right thing. The better thing would have been for both of you to come clean immediately. At this point, she can't trust him and she especially can't trust you. Can our friendship ever resume again? Almost certainly not. She MAY have gotten over the drunken messing around if you told her what happened immediately, but keeping the truth from her was the final twist of the knife. That's the real offense here. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NegativeBecky Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 You're right I should have told her right away but I was worried about losing her, which now I have. I was ridden with guilt that I thought by dealing with this alone, it would stay as that. No, she wants nothing to do with either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Under the influence is an excuse for doing what you did you made the choice to mess with your friends bf or if you were really that messed that you were unable to make choices at all then you have a issue drinking responcibly. There is nothing you can do but live with what you've done and make better choices in the future. Your ex friend may get passed what happened in the future but your friendship is over so even if she does forgive you it doesn't matter because the friendship is no longer there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Can our friendship ever resume again? Most likely not. How can there ever be a friendship when she may never trust you again? Even worse, you hid it from her. If you both were ever to resume some sort of communication, it will certainly never be a friendship -- in the true sense of the word. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 If you were her, would you ever want to speak to you ever again? I sure as hell wouldn't. No, time to move on, this is over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I am one to believe that infidelity is non-negotiable nor forgivable. She certainly should not take her ex-bf back, but she would be wise to let you go as well. I would say that it is over. She should not keep someone who will ALWAYS remind her of betrayal in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NegativeBecky Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 I really didn't mean to hurt her that way. Not sure if I can send her one last message, which more than likely she'll either send me to hell or won't reply. I won't bother her after that. I just want her to know I'm trully sorry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I really didn't mean to hurt her that way. Not sure if I can send her one last message, which more than likely she'll either send me to hell or won't reply. I won't bother her after that. I just want her to know I'm trully sorry about it. OP, let's be honest. You really didn't mean to hurt her? I don't think the thought ever crossed your mind because you were too consumed with whatever was going on in your own head. You blame alcohol for what happened between you and her boyfriend. Then you consciously made the decision to hide it. This was all about you. You're doing this to relieve your own guilt. "Sorry" isn't for her but for you. If you cared about her, you would leave her alone and let her heal from this. Reminding her of the situation only regurgitates her pain. Your "sorry" doesn't mean a thing to her. It's meaningless to her now. She doesn't care about how you feel. Trust me. Being cheated on before (and she's suffering a double whammy) an apology doesn't ever cut it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Stay away from her ex. and let her cool down. you do not want any more slaps. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I really didn't mean to hurt her that way. Not sure if I can send her one last message, which more than likely she'll either send me to hell or won't reply. I won't bother her after that. I just want her to know I'm trully sorry about it. You can comprise and email and tell her everything, but I wouldn't expect a positive response back. You might have to chalk this up as lessons learned. Two things were the nails in your coffin. 1. Not telling her right away 2. Having this Mike douche rocket telling her that he has feelings for you. To her, that says that you two were doing stuff behind her back for a while if it was enough for a guy to develop feelings for you. You might have to write this friendship off. She's lost trust in you. You hid things from her and you can tell her that you didn't actually have sex with him, it doesn't matter. If you were capable of hiding this from her then she thinks you're just as capable of sleeping with him and lying about it. She would be afraid to bring any future boyfriends around you. Therefore, it would just be best to cut you loose. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear. But, I think you need to learn from this and move on. Try to find some way to forgive yourself and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I would leave her alone for a few months, then I would write her a very heartfelt letter letting her know everything you are feeling and how much you regret your choice to mess around with Mike, and how much you've learned from it, and how much she means to you, and how much you miss her. At that point, she can decide whether or not to forgive you and resume friendship with you. But I know I would never again trust a friend who messed around with my guy. Even if you didn't have sex. Once years ago, I stayed the night at my friend's house. In the middle of the night, her fiance came to my bed and tried to fool around with me. I told him NO, never, and the next morning, I told my friend what had happened so she could deal with him (she kicked him out). Never never never could I do that to a friend. And hopefully you've learned that through this experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I doubt she will want to resume a friendship with you. I have seen this scenario happen twice. In the first case, the friend discovered her best friend got physical with her fiance. That happened over 8 years ago, and the two women haven't spoken since. In the second case, the 'other woman' lost a lot of other friends as a result too. They simply couldn't believe she'd betray a friend that way, and they didn't want her around them either. The women did not become friends again after that. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Have to agree with the responses above. I've spoken to a lot of girls who this has happened to over the years, and not one has ever resumed their friendship with the ex best friend. Some were just about on speaking terms. That's probably the best you can hope for. Have better boundaries - alcohol is not an excuse. It may cause poor judgement, but it doesn't fundamentally turn you into someone else. I'd be willing to bet, for example, that after losing a best friend this way you'll make damn sure you never do it again no matter how drunk you are! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I really didn't mean to hurt her that way. Not sure if I can send her one last message, which more than likely she'll either send me to hell or won't reply. I won't bother her after that. I just want her to know I'm trully sorry about it. Didn't mean to hurt her? There's an old saying: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". It doesn't matter that you didn't intend to hurt her - you did. You used the excuse of being drunk to get some strange - her man! Its probably best to send her the last "I'm sorry I screwed up" message and then leave her alone. If she want's to forgive you then she will come to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I wonder why people always want to write these excuse "I'm so so sorry" messages. The betrayed know you've screwed up and then you're dead to them, there's nothing else to talk about. When my ex-best friend betrayed me - although not this kind of betrayal - that crazy girl tried to call me daily for 6 months. You'd think they have better things to do in life than stalk for such a long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I really didn't mean to hurt her that way. Not sure if I can send her one last message, which more than likely she'll either send me to hell or won't reply. I won't bother her after that. I just want her to know I'm trully sorry about it. Leave her alone and do not send any message if you already haven't. You were selfish enough to take her friendship for granted, only sorry you got caught, and in typical cheater mindset that understands NOTHING except YOUR Needs and YOUR wants, still wants to play victim and make it all about YOU. If you are truly sorry show it by never contacting her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) Get professional help and work on yourself because I doubt she will ever see you in the same trusting way again. Dont think you need professional help, just learn from your mistake and make better choices. Edited May 23, 2014 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) Long story short, under influence both of us did some stuff Why did he had to tell? Couldn't he just break it off? Can our friendship ever resume again? I shortened it some more for you. The way I see it, you're probably going to be under the influence of...stuff...again. And who knows what you'll do when that happens again. I mean, it's not like you have any control so not really your fault right? Cause you were under the influance of stuff. It wasn't really you. Maybe next time you are unde the influance, your "friends" boyfriend might be even less honest than this guy and be OK telling lies to his girlfriends face along with you. Because that is what people need. Loved ones that are completely at ease telling and living bold face lies right to their face with absoluetely no guilt to the point they would wonder why someone else might feel guilty enough to come clean and tell the truth. Don't ask why he had to tell. Consider why you didn't tell. For your friends sake, I hope not. It's like you can't even comprehend telling the truth. Edited May 23, 2014 by Imported 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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