Open Relationship: When to tell the "other" about the relationship?

[redroses]

A couple of days ago I entered into my first open relationship with a guy I've been seeing casually for a number of months. Basically we realized that feelings developed and we want to make an emotional commitment to each other, but neither of us wants to give up our flirtatious/dating lifestyles. We're still in the process of setting rules and I think that for the most part we'll let rules evolve organically. However, given my unfamiliarity with open relationships I'm sure I'll end up seeking lots of opinions from everyone as we go through growing pains. Basically the deal right now is: we are each other's primary priority and we owe each other full honesty.

 

My question today is what to say to the "other" people I'm interested in getting involved with? Obviously they have a right to know at some point as I wouldn't want to lead anyone on into thinking there is promise for a relationship if there is not. But is this the type of information I should share on a first date? Before the first date is even agreed to? A few dates in? Only if there is a sexual relationship developing? Only if it seems like feelings are developing on their side? Do I tell them I'm only interested in a dating and not a relationship but never mention the "I have a boyfriend" part?

 

I realize there is no right or wrong answer here I just wanted to see if you guys have an opinion on what you would do?

 

There is a fella I've been seeing for a few weeks already who I most certainly need to tell right away because I know he's developing feelings, and probably wants a relationship.

 

But then there is a guy I've been on two dates with who seems like he's mostly interested in a sexual relationship and not an emotional relationship anyway - so maybe he doesn't need to know at all?

 

Any thoughts you have would be appreciated Thanks.

[redroses]

I just realized I may have posted this in the wrong forum... but perhaps people who currently ARE the other man/woman would have some insight into how they were told or would have preferred being told...

[central]

We have had an open relationship for 14 years, but don't often take advantage of it.

 

First of all, we are each other's priority, and that extends to having veto power over someone else if they may threaten our relationship. We've never used it, though, since our boundaries and priorities have remained clear.

 

I feel that it is usually best to inform potential partners early on. Sometimes even before meeting if you are communicating via a dating site, for example. It depends on what they state they are looking for, in part. It is especially important to inform anyone who may have greater expectations or seems to be developing feelings/attachment - it's not ethical to lead them on for your own selfish pleasure. With any partner, I think it's best to tell them you are not seeking or expecting exclusivity.

 

Women have a far easier time finding casual partners even when following these guidelines. Men in open relationships usually find it more difficult to find a willing partner if they are clear up-front. Balancing finding prospects with acting ethically is difficult, and you have to find the right mix that works for you that still respects your potential partners.

 

There is also a chance that you will develop feelings for someone else. This may or may not be okay, depending on what you and your primary partner want and can handle. That would be getting into the realm of polyamory, and can be very different from casual sex partners. Think about that and what that means to you both, and how you'd want to deal with a blossoming romance. Those can be addictive, so keeping perspective is difficult - but very important.

[John Bigboote]

For me, the general rule is that you become obligated to tell your partners something when you know that that something puts them at risk, either physically or emotionally. If you're having sex with them, they should know what their risk is for STDs. If they're falling in love with you, or expecting a relationship, they should know that that is not an option, or if it is, that there are others, or that they will never be primary, or whatever the situation in fact is.

 

This is typically not a first date thing, and if it's just casual sex we're talking about, there's no need for them to know who your other partners are at all, only how many of them there are, really. If it's more than casual sex and they don't know by the end of the second date or the beginning of the third, something is probably wrong.

 

But that being said, earlier and fuller disclosure is generally better. It makes it less awkward, and it flows organically. If they ask, "what did you do today?" you should be comfortable answering honestly, "I had lunch with my boyfriend" or whatever.

 

Expect people to be freaked out by this. Even people who would be OK with cheating are often dumbfounded by honest open relationships, because there is no category for them in the social dating narrative.

 

You are likely to get better help elsewhere than here on the subject of open relationships. You probably want to read Opening Up as a general introductory guide, and peruse some of the reddit nonmonogamy subreddits for specific advice.

[BetrayedH]

I'm of a similar mindset as a previous poster.

 

Probably not on the first date but before sex and before an emotional connection forms.

[carhill]

My .02-

 

My question today is what to say to the "other" people I'm interested in getting involved with?

 

I'm in an open relationship. We both are open to multiple partners

.Obviously they have a right to know at some point as I wouldn't want to lead anyone on into thinking there is promise for a relationship if there is not. But is this the type of information I should share on a first date?

If relationship topics come up, sure. Some dates are just fun social interaction. Others are 'deeper'. It depends. Use your judgment and life experience to guide you.

Before the first date is even agreed to? A few dates in? Only if there is a sexual relationship developing?

 

Personally, I'd probably advertise it as part of my dating profile, presuming OLD is involved, but YMMV. As far as the sex part goes, it could get tricky with multiple concurrent partners and handling the STD aspects but people familiar with swinging and open relationships usually have a good handle on that stuff.

Only if it seems like feelings are developing on their side?

I'd probably be more proactive than that, in that I'd prefer any attachment to develop with full disclosure.

Do I tell them I'm only interested in a dating and not a relationship but never mention the "I have a boyfriend" part?

 

You could; however it might be more efficient to filter for people who openly express interest in casual dating and/or sex and see where those results take you.

 

In this day and age, swinging and open relationships aren't surprising so a lot of people are familiar with them, even if not up to speed on the nuances. I'd lean more towards disclosure. However, this may be a bias I've picked up from unknowingly interacting with/dating married women who didn't disclose their marital status. Those experiences did result in a marked skepticism and bias in this area so take my opinion FWIW.

 

Good luck!

[Speakingofwhich]

When wondering about what to do in a relationship following the Golden Rule is always a great way to go!

 

Since the majority of men who'll be asking you out probably will be single and uninvolved why not put yourself in that place:

 

You don't have a bf and a guy asks you out. At what point would you want to know if he had a gf he was in an open relationship with?

 

For me, I'd want to know his relationship status when he asked me out the first time. It seems to me to be pertinent information. There may be men who wouldn't care to go on the first date with you if they knew you were involved with someone else and it seems fair to me to give them that option.

 

Even if they do want to go on that first date with you having the knowledge you are with a bf would allow them to adjust their expectations from the get go.

 

Also, I would think you would garner more respect from the men who ask you out if you are candid with them from the beginning. If you wait awhile before telling a guy you have a bf and he continues to date you finding out somewhat later, after he knows he may begin to wonder what else you haven't told him about yourself that could impact him. Kind of a waiting for the other shoe to drop type thing. It's possible it could create trust issues.

[Holding-On]

Having no idea and just going with the flow might end you both up in a hot mess.

I strongly recommend reading

The Ethical Slut

and

Opening Up

 

On OkCupid you can just say that you are polyamorous. OkCupid is pretty much the place for that. Search for that term and you'll find the people you are probably looking for.

There are polyamorous groups out there you can meet people face to face and get advice.

[SolG]

Having no idea and just going with the flow might end you both up in a hot mess.

I strongly recommend reading

The Ethical Slut

and

Opening Up

 

I second this. The Ethical Slut in particular.