knottyprofessor Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) I've been separated for 7 weeks. It took about 5 weeks to realize I'm separated, as I texted, wrote letters, bought flowers, and did all the wrong things. Now, I've accepted it much more and working on the 180. I'm talking to some girls as friends, and I haven't dated or done anything. Is this OK? I share a phone plan with my wife, and part of me would like her to see new numbers and realize that I can get someone else, too. But the other part of me doesn't want to send the wrong message that I'm cheating. As I did have an affair during the marriage, I'm leaning toward the idea that she'll think I'll never change and just keep doing it. Also, she's texting a bunch of new numbers, too. At first, we both snooped, but it's stopped from my end. The other day, she questioned some charges on our joint credit card, but they were normal things that she just didn't recognize. Your thoughts...should I stop talking to new people? Also, should I expect her to be cold to me during this time? When I was begging and doing all the wrong things, I at least got an angry response, but now that I'm not initiating the communication, there is none, unless it involves our daughter or finances. One last question, I wrote a letter of reconciliation, but I haven't given it to her yet. All of my other letters were vain attempts to get her back, but I read a lot about a reconciliation letter, and believe it's appropriate. Should I give it to her now, wait a few days, or wait a while? Sorry, one more. My wife is having some health issues and went to the doctor today. Should I avoid asking how it went? I am concerned for her, and I don't want her to think I don't care and just start sharing what's going on with someone else, but I also don't want to seem like I'm communicating just for the sake of contact. Thanks! Edited May 22, 2014 by knottyprofessor Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 As I did have an affair during the marriage, Stopped reading after this... I can't even... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Sounds like you cheated and now she is cheating (and done with the marriage). What is your goal? To reconcile? To divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author knottyprofessor Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) My goal is reconciliation. I asked her if she would tell me if she's interested in anyone or dating, and she agreed. I realize she could have been lying, and that that's possible. I know the numbers, and only one is a guy. Actually, it was a flirty email to this guy that led to the big blowup before the separation. That's when I let her know about my affair. But before she knew about my affair and even after the separation, she's been adamant that nothing is going on with him. We're seeing a counselor, though we've only had one joint session. As far as I, the counselor, and my wife's family know, she's uncertain about what she wants to do. I just hope she's not stringing me along to make this painful. I've never known her to do that, but that doesn't mean there can't be a first time. Edited May 22, 2014 by knottyprofessor Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 What is the purpose of the separation? And did you two agree to any ground rules of the separation as to whether seeing other people would be treatment tolerated or not etc? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author knottyprofessor Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 The purpose of the separation is for her to determine whether she wants to reconcile after learning of the affair or not. We've never discussed any rules or conditions of it. She told me to leave when I told her of the affair, and that was it. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I recommend you post a more complete version of your story in the Infidelity forum. As well, visit there and read the thread pinned at the top of the forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author knottyprofessor Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 Point well taken. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 The purpose of the separation is for her to determine whether she wants to reconcile after learning of the affair or not. We've never discussed any rules or conditions of it. She told me to leave when I told her of the affair, and that was it. Ok. A separation needs to have a defined purpose. To get some space to let the dust settle and for people to clear their heads to think a little more rationally to come up with a game plan is a legitimate reason. However there still needs to be an ultimate end-goal in mind and the separation itself needs to have some defined parameters and ground rules. Whether seeing other people or not while separated is acceptable or not is pretty dang close to the top of the list of must-have ground rules. Some kind of time parameter for the separation is also at the top. If she's smoking mad and needs a few days to let the dust settle and get a grip so she doesn't stab you in the face with soldering iron is ok. But an indefinite separation with no objectives other than being in a different house untill further notice is not acceptable. Some kind of game plan is needed, whether that game plan is trying to reconcile or moving towards divorce. Limbo is not an acceptable location. You may be th cheating party but you still have a right to know where you stand and what the state of your marriage is. You still have the right to know if she wants to reconcile or divorce. You still have the right to throw in the towel if she starts banging other people. You still have the right to move on with your life if she throws in the towel. You may have been the naughty little boy that got in trouble but you still have to be the man and be aware of the state of your marriage and be aware of where things stand and what your options are. You had your fun while you were having your hanky panky, now you are going to have to put your man-pants on and deal with the impact of it and address the state of your marriage and strive towards some form of lasting resolution whether that be a sincere attempt at reconciliation or divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 And just as an FYI, separation is often a positive step towards divorce and moving on. It is often a beneficial step where people start learning to live without the other and start moving on with their own lives and doing what they want to do and what is beneficial for them as an individual as opposed to a couple. Conversely, it is often a very detrimental step in the reconciliation process. People often get used to and start enjoying being on their own and are less likely to put in as much effort and dedication to reconciliation if they are in separate homes. A day or two away in a motel to let the dust settle and the anger and drama subside after a big blow up has benifit. But an actual separation where people are living in two separate homes is usually a benifit to the divorce process and a detriment to the reconciliation process. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Point well taken. Thank you. No problem. Forgive my brevity. I just think you can get better help there. You'll get some heat, to be sure, but if you can handle talking with the posters there, it's a great practice run for dealing with your wife. She's undoubtably hurt and you need some good advice. Sift thru the bad stuff and take what works for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author knottyprofessor Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 I agree on the goal part, but I don't want to push the issue if she's still debating whether to reconcile, because I know what the answer will be if I demand one today. Maybe I should give her the reconciliation letter and let that sit for a little bit before talking about what's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 It sounds like you have given her a few letters already. My gut says that another will be ineffective if the previous ones were. Speaking from some experience, betrayed spouses learn not to give very much credence to words from a wayward. We look for actions. That said, I think saying the right things is still a critical piece. Willingness to discuss your affair and take responsibility can be an important first step. Since you seem focused on this letter, perhaps you could share with us what you've done or said already and what is different in this 'reconciliation letter.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author knottyprofessor Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 'perhaps you could share with us what you've done or said already and what is different in this 'reconciliation letter.' You're right...I've given her letters focused on me, what I did, how sorry I am, how I've changed, all the good things we had. "I" was used way too much and all "we" had. She was never the focus. Of course I'm sorry, but I never showed her an ounce of compassion for what she's been through. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes for once. You're right, words are meaningless without any follow-up. I'm sure she's devastated from what she just learned, and we have zero communication on anything related to us. It's only about our daughter and finances. Every time I bring "us" up, she unleashes, which is understandable, but I'm also in limbo. It's been 7 weeks, and we've not once had a two way conversation about what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts