What does he mean by saying this?

[summergeisha]

I don't think he showed any signs of liking you -- and let you know more than once he wasn't amused by you. As a professor, he is obligated to try to be polite to you, which is why once you got a smile. But you put him in an awkward position, and he let you know pretty directly he didn't appreciate it.

 

Thanks for the input. I know I have been acting a little too much when it comes to him. I don't do this to other professors though. It sucks to show affection in this way. It's so hard for me to see him as a professor. He seems like a friend to me...

 

Umm but after the first very awkward visit in his office, he ignored me but when I tried to reach to him again he seems very happy. Even later in the lab he would come to me and asked me personal questions and gave me positive attentions more than everyone I would say. He is NOT just been polite. But in the office, he seems mad though.

[summergeisha]

If you're asking our opinions on if he likes you, my answer is probably not. I'm sorry. But you asked. Do I know for sure? Obviously not, but from what you've shared, it seems he was just a college professor helping a student in need. If you don't want to date him though, then why do you even care whether he likes you or not? It shouldn't matter if you have no interest in dating him. If that's the case, then like I said before, let it go.

 

 

Because be liked by a person you like feels good.

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand exactly what you meant on the performance part. But I have my reasons.

 

May I know what are the indications of interest as a teacher? Eye contact? Initiate conversation by asking personal questions? Body language? I have them all and there were too much. I just didn't feel like typing all of those details that doesn't question me.

 

Or you meant asking phone number? Being direct? or by touching? That's your take as being interested? If not, please tell me.

 

And if you ever attracted to a student, what will you do? If you never...then ignore this question.

 

None of the above, strictly speaking. I make eye contact with a student when I'm speaking to them. If I'm speaking to a group, I try to make eye contact with most members. That's what an effective speaker/teacher does. Body language can be so completely misinterpreted, especially when you're seeking out a hidden meaning or trying to apply your own assumptions to it. So can "personal" questions. Asking what you do on Valentine's Day is not a personal question, in my opinion - it's small talk.

 

To answer the second bolded question, I would do nothing. It would cross a serious professional boundary and it could potentially cost me my job. Students are a no-go area for me and most of my colleagues. Move on from this, OP.

[d0nnivain]

I understand it is college & you get to pick your classes. However, it's still not anything you have to talk to him about. Personally, even if they didn't get the same ratings as him, I'd take the class from a different professor; perhaps the new teacher's methods will better speak to you & armed with two perspectives you will have a greater comprehension of the material.

 

 

Why do you want to meet with him? You aren't the 1st student to fail one of his classes. You won't be the last. What EXACTLY are you going to explain to him when you meet him?

 

 

If it's only to tell him that you will be taking his class & that you failed the lecture, an e-mail will do. Since you mentioned he's playful with you, you can be pithy too. Something along the lines of:

 

 

Dear Professor:

 

 

By now I'

m

sure you have seen your class roster for summer semester,

so

you know I am back for round two. Maybe this time I can earn an A in the lab portion. After reviewing my overall grade I realize I am the only one responsible for my poor performance in the lecture. Instead of being fully committed to my studies I spent too much time attending to my family's business last semester. That won't be a problem this time. I am looking forward to the semester. Let's hope I get it right this time. Nobody needs to find out if the third time is really the charm.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

summergeisha

 

Good luck. But please, understand you are the one making this weird, not him. Stop.

[summergeisha]

None of the above, strictly speaking. I make eye contact with a student when I'm speaking to them. If I'm speaking to a group, I try to make eye contact with most members. That's what an effective speaker/teacher does. Body language can be so completely misinterpreted, especially when you're seeking out a hidden meaning or trying to apply your own assumptions to it. So can "personal" questions. Asking what you do on Valentine's Day is not a personal question, in my opinion - it's small talk.

 

To answer the second bolded question, I would do nothing. It would cross a serious professional boundary and it could potentially cost me my job. Students are a no-go area for me and most of my colleagues. Move on from this, OP.

 

 

I couldn't care less about the eye contact. It's so easy to look at the people that I am not emotionally attached with. It's the moment he sees me his whole face lit up. He gives a lot eye contact basically to everyone including me at the beginning of the term in class but later in the semester he looked at me a WHOLE LOT less.

 

For instance, I once said I can't read his handwriting in his office. He would say that in front of the class:" if you can't read my handwriting please come to me" and not look at me.

 

I've got a very bad grade on one of the assignment because I didn't turn in part of the work and he said "If you got a very low grade because something is missing please come to my office and talk to me." and not look at me.

 

I said:" I can't come to your lab next week." He would say that to class:" Even the semester almost ending you still need to come to class". and not look at me.

 

He can avoid looking at me and hate me all him want but he would still come to me in the lab and give me postive attentions as much as before. You can say he loves all of his students. I don't think so. He barely talk to my group members and the people he talks to the most either are straight A students (apparently I am not one of them) or very active students.

 

 

I have to say I saw one of my group member's email with him. She asked for help and office hours and he said: " I have office hours till xx, otherwise I can potentially meet with you tomorrow." then he did not reply till next day@ 10.

 

My emails with him. He would tell me his whole week office hours and reply at 7 in the morning and even after that 1st awkward visit I seek help for my lecture he would reply within an hour at night and said he would help me and offer an alternate time in my convienence if I don't have time to go to his office. I didn't even ask for that.

 

Maybe he is a faster responder who knows. Maybe I was imaging the whole time. I really didn't feel the need to type ALL the details here but in terms of the response of your guys really upset me. I want to write the worst incidence between us just to prepare the worst. It's all the tiny details make me think he is attracted to me at some point.Too bad he is in this position.

[Taramere]

Do you guys think he liked me in the same way? Why did he ask me if I was testing him? I appreciated all help!

 

Probably because as a student you are completely testing the boundaries - and, in doing so, placing him in a difficult situation. Whether or not he finds you attractive is irrelevant. In his situation he can't or shouldn't act on any attraction towards students. While you seem to perceive yourself as being cute and saucy, it sounds as though you're making a bit of a menace of yourself to this professor.

 

As others have said, it would be better to just concentrate on passing your coursework, rather than using this academic opportunity as a testing ground for your sexual attractiveness.

[summergeisha]

I understand it is college & you get to pick your classes. However, it's still not anything you have to talk to him about. Personally, even if they didn't get the same ratings as him, I'd take the class from a different professor; perhaps the new teacher's methods will better speak to you & armed with two perspectives you will have a greater comprehension of the material.

 

 

Why do you want to meet with him? You aren't the 1st student to fail one of his classes. You won't be the last. What EXACTLY are you going to explain to him when you meet him?

 

 

If it's only to tell him that you will be taking his class & that you failed the lecture, an e-mail will do. Since you mentioned he's playful with you, you can be pithy too. Something along the lines of:

 

 

Dear Professor:

 

 

By now I'

m

sure you have seen your class roster for summer semester,

so

you know I am back for round two. Maybe this time I can earn an A in the lab portion. After reviewing my overall grade I realize I am the only one responsible for my poor performance in the lecture. Instead of being fully committed to my studies I spent too much time attending to my family's business last semester. That won't be a problem this time. I am looking forward to the semester. Let's hope I get it right this time. Nobody needs to find out if the third time is really the charm.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

summergeisha

 

Good luck. But please, understand you are the one making this weird, not him. Stop.

 

 

Thanks so much. Now I feel bad being so bitchy to him. That's me deal with peers usually haha perhaps it's wrong if he is in a position higher than me.

 

I like your email. Are you saying I am making this weird if I write this to him? I think yours are a whole lot better than mine so far. I remember I wrote a funny note and stick on his door when I tried to turn in a late work...He liked it I hope something like this email will work too.

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks so much. Now I feel bad being so bitchy to him. That's me deal with peers usually haha perhaps it's wrong if he is in a position higher than me.

 

I like your email. Are you saying I am making this weird if I write this to him? I think yours are a whole lot better than mine so far. I remember I wrote a funny note and stick on his door when I tried to turn in a late work...He liked it I hope something like this email will work too.

 

 

 

She means you've made this weird all along.

 

There is no need to write this, but donni's is perfectly acceptable and PC.

 

Perhaps it's a cultural difference that you treat those in a position of power/respect with the same flippancy as your peers? I don't know.

 

Stop with the 'funny' notes. Don't try to get him to accept late work.

 

I 100% agree with the suggestion to find another prof teaching the class, and enroll in that one instead. Best of luck!

[summergeisha]

Probably because as a student you are completely testing the boundaries - and, in doing so, placing him in a difficult situation. Whether or not he finds you attractive is irrelevant. In his situation he can't or shouldn't act on any attraction towards students. While you seem to perceive yourself as being cute and saucy, it sounds as though you're making a bit of a menace of yourself to this professor.

 

As others have said, it would be better to just concentrate on passing your coursework, rather than using this academic opportunity as a testing ground for your sexual attractiveness.

 

 

That's exactly what I was doing. Testing the boundaries. IMO it's only ethically wrong in this situation but so normal in the dating world. I was just treating him as my peers and now I thought it's a worse stragdy compared to teacher's pet. I don't know honestly. Now I have to take his class again just hope he will forgive me being as a menace as you said. I just want to know what he thinks of me. Everytime we turn ugly we always go back. Just hope this time will be the same.

[summergeisha]

She means you've made this weird all along.

 

There is no need to write this, but donni's is perfectly acceptable and PC.

 

Perhaps it's a cultural difference that you treat those in a position of power/respect with the same flippancy as your peers? I don't know.

 

Stop with the 'funny' notes. Don't try to get him to accept late work.

 

I 100% agree with the suggestion to find another prof teaching the class, and enroll in that one instead. Best of luck!

 

 

 

No. I treat all my other professors with respect. When it comes to him, maybe that's my way of liking a person. I was testing the boundaries. It all we do in the dating world. Maybe it's not right on him.

 

It's so hard for me to see him as an authoritative figure. I just liked him so much He would "fight" back which I love it sometimes. I feel comfortable and safe around him and don't feel the need to impress him. I just hope he would understand why I did this all along. Not for grade, not for anything else. Just like him for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

At the risk of sounding blunt and unkind, I think this flirtation/situation is in your head, OP. What you've described is an entirely normal student-professor relationship, but you've somehow over-analyzed and interpreted his every move to mean something deeper. If anything, it sounds as though he could be annoyed or frustrated at your behaviour and academic performance. Not to mention...Has it occurred to you that he could be married or taken?

 

You've referred to what's normal in the "dating world" but this isn't the dating world. It's your school. You need to better recognize the difference between the two. And you would also be wise to find other sources of validation.

[preraph]

So he's being polite in public but mad in his office. He's trying not to cause a scene with you in public. Because he knows how you get. He's not into you.

[MidwestUSA]

No. I treat all my other professors with respect. When it comes to him, maybe that's my way of liking a person.

 

You show you like someone by not respecting them? This really just doesn't make sense, which is why I asked if perhaps there are some cultural differences involved.

[summergeisha]

At the risk of sounding blunt and unkind, I think this flirtation/situation is in your head, OP. What you've described is an entirely normal student-professor relationship, but you've somehow over-analyzed and interpreted his every move to mean something deeper. If anything, it sounds as though he could be annoyed or frustrated at your behaviour and academic performance. Not to mention...Has it occurred to you that he could be married or taken?

 

You've referred to what's normal in the "dating world" but this isn't the dating world. It's your school. You need to better recognize the difference between the two. And you would also be wise to find other sources of validation.

 

 

For me, it's all about the risk of rejection from him. In this situation, it's complicated which a generalize analyzing won't apply in this situation. I don't have the courage to say all that in front of his face even though I found him appreciate my confidence. Things only turned awkward in his office when I show nervousness.

 

Anyways, I did not get the answers I want today but it's okay. I will not explains further about the details corresponding to y'all replies. I will eventually go crazy if I dwell on it too much. I appreciated all the responses.

 

But next month I am going to take this class again with him. As far as I am concerned, I need to email him and briefly explain why I have to take that class again without looking like I want to exchange something into a good grade.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[summergeisha]

You show you like someone by not respecting them? This really just doesn't make sense, which is why I asked if perhaps there are some cultural differences involved.

 

 

It not like I was been rude. I was testing the boundaries by pushing him and see how far he would take. Do you really think I asked him to accept my late work just for grade? I just want to make sure he is not a sleazy professor that take offers from girls every semester. That's how I got the answer so I can proceed.

 

Simply put, just to see his reactions.

[jonsnuh]

It not like I was been rude. I was testing the boundaries by pushing him and see how far he would take. Do you really think I asked him to accept my late work just for grade? I just want to make sure he is not a sleazy professor that take offers from girls every semester. That's how I got the answer so I can proceed.

 

Simply put, just to see his reactions.

 

You would risk his career and your educational career at such an early stage just for pushing someone's buttons?

 

Stop being so manipulative. Regulations and policies are in place so that professors don't have to put up with this sort of pressure.

[potsticker]

It not like I was been rude. I was testing the boundaries by pushing him and see how far he would take. Do you really think I asked him to accept my late work just for grade? I just want to make sure he is not a sleazy professor that take offers from girls every semester. That's how I got the answer so I can proceed.

 

Simply put, just to see his reactions.

 

 

that is the definition of rude when dealing with these types of situations.... You trying to casualize the interactions when he's trying to keep things professional. You're the female equivalent of the stereotypical "won't take a hint" guy. You don't mix personal with professional, and him being in charge of your grade definitely makes it a professional relationship. It is in NO way appropriate for you to force a casualization of your relationship as student and teacher until you are no longer a student and are free to discard the previous professional relationship and pursue a casual one.

[summergeisha]

that is the definition of rude when dealing with these types of situations.... You trying to casualize the interactions when he's trying to keep things professional. You're the female equivalent of the stereotypical "won't take a hint" guy. You don't mix personal with professional, and him being in charge of your grade definitely makes it a professional relationship. It is in NO way appropriate for you to force a casualization of your relationship as student and teacher until you are no longer a student and are free to discard the previous professional relationship and pursue a casual one.

 

I know. I wish I could have the chance to thank him for helping me and apologize if needed. I have realized that I deal with him in the wrong way. He knew at my own job is required to interact with men a lot. I hope he will take my behaviors as a way of dealing with people in general instead of only targeting him. I am going to take his class again. I just don't want him think I was being a bad student.

Edited May 23, 2014 by summergeisha

[jonsnuh]

LSers, I'm calling troll here. Jonsnuh out. *ejects*

[d0nnivain]

You said it yourself -- YOU feel compelled to e-mail him & explain. This is on you, not him. He doesn't care why you failed. He doesn't need or want an explanation.

 

You got a D in his class. He already thinks you are a bad student. Your personal interactions with him won't change that opinion.

 

If I were a professor, the 1st thing I'd do when receiving your e-mail is forward it to my department head. I would go to great lengths to never be alone with you.

 

This is your professor, not your peer. The rules of dating do not apply here. All you owe him is respect. All he owes you is information.

 

When you mentioned that you had trouble reading his handwriting, he took that for what is was -- a possible universal problem. When one student says somethimg many are often thinking it but too shy to say anything. That's why he made the announcement in class. It wasn't a secret message to you that he liked you.

 

You are making this wierd. You are inferring a relationship that doesn't exit. What you are doing actually has a name because it's so common: transference. You are projecting romantic feelings onto a person of higher stature then you. Student / teacher and doctor / patient. It happens a lot but that doesn't make it real.

 

Seriously consider taking the class with a different professor. A new teaching perspective & being away from this guy will help not hurt your education.

[stateofgrace]

LSers, I'm calling troll here. Jonsnuh out. *ejects*

You took the thoughts right out of my head..

 

However, on the off chance this actually is the situation...how many times can we tell you, OP, that he is not into you? Why do you keep asking for more of our "thoughts", you're just going to keep getting the same answers, no one agrees with you that he thinks of you anymore than a student. He is your TEACHER. He was being professional. Whether he is a playful professor or not. Chances are, he's like that with other students in other classes as well. Stop testing his boundaries. It's not getting you anywhere. Nothing is going to get you anywhere with him. He is not interested, he is your teacher, that is that. Just stop.

[jonsnuh]

I'm coming back to say one last thing before I'm gone from this thread for good:

 

Not only is OP trolling us, I was also referring to the blatant attempts of trolling the prof.

 

No self-respecting prof has to put up with this ****. I talk to friends who are in academia, and forum boards with individuals who deal with this kind of stuff. A prof will very, very unlikely, and I say very likely would NEVER put their career in jeopardy for an undergrad student with unrealistic demands or expectations when there are clear boundaries to follow whether it may be school-sanctioned or defined as taboo by society. Reputation is at stake.

 

Sure, the reality might be that some profs may go around sleeping with students and this might seem taboo to some (I know this has happened to some profs who have very poor character). But they will likely ALWAYS choose their career over you. Don't overcomplicate things when there is nothing to make complex.

 

There are plenty of undergrads that profs can sleep with if they really wanted to. You're only 1 of many, and likely they might not see you again. Do not ruin the sanctity of a mentor relationship. And yes, profs talk. Rumors are quite prevalent in faculty or department, and if made official that you unwanted pressure/advances were made, whose word will they take? Yours or the professor's?

 

Tenures and academic jobs are few and highly coveted. Unless you guaranteeing a permanent annual six-figure salary, don't do this to yourself and to your professor.

 

/endrant

[ExpatInItaly]

You said it yourself -- YOU feel compelled to e-mail him & explain. This is on you, not him. He doesn't care why you failed. He doesn't need or want an explanation.

 

You got a D in his class. He already thinks you are a bad student. Your personal interactions with him won't change that opinion.

 

If I were a professor, the 1st thing I'd do when receiving your e-mail is forward it to my department head. I would go to great lengths to never be alone with you.

 

This is your professor, not your peer. The rules of dating do not apply here. All you owe him is respect. All he owes you is information.

 

When you mentioned that you had trouble reading his handwriting, he took that for what is was -- a possible universal problem. When one student says somethimg many are often thinking it but too shy to say anything. That's why he made the announcement in class. It wasn't a secret message to you that he liked you.

 

You are making this wierd. You are inferring a relationship that doesn't exit. What you are doing actually has a name because it's so common: transference. You are projecting romantic feelings onto a person of higher stature then you. Student / teacher and doctor / patient. It happens a lot but that doesn't make it real.

 

Seriously consider taking the class with a different professor. A new teaching perspective & being away from this guy will help not hurt your education.

 

OP, pay attention to this carefully. I have done just this in the past. A student of mine made me quite uncomfortable and I felt he was placing me in a compromising position. I took the matter to the director of the institution, who dealt with it promptly. You're skating on thin ice, and putting your own academic career at risk.

[littleplanet]

I'm coming back to say one last thing before I'm gone from this thread for good:

 

Not only is OP trolling us, I was also referring to the blatant attempts of trolling the prof.

 

No self-respecting prof has to put up with this ****. I talk to friends who are in academia, and forum boards with individuals who deal with this kind of stuff. A prof will very, very unlikely, and I say very likely would NEVER put their career in jeopardy for an undergrad student with unrealistic demands or expectations when there are clear boundaries to follow whether it may be school-sanctioned or defined as taboo by society. Reputation is at stake.

 

Sure, the reality might be that some profs may go around sleeping with students and this might seem taboo to some (I know this has happened to some profs who have very poor character). But they will likely ALWAYS choose their career over you. Don't overcomplicate things when there is nothing to make complex.

 

There are plenty of undergrads that profs can sleep with if they really wanted to. You're only 1 of many, and likely they might not see you again. Do not ruin the sanctity of a mentor relationship. And yes, profs talk. Rumors are quite prevalent in faculty or department, and if made official that you unwanted pressure/advances were made, whose word will they take? Yours or the professor's?

 

Tenures and academic jobs are few and highly coveted. Unless you guaranteeing a permanent annual six-figure salary, don't do this to yourself and to your professor.

 

/endrant

 

(Stands and applauds / Ovations and whistles.)

 

I was getting dizzy going through the thread.

On the off chance OP is legit:

 

I work in the academic community. I'm not a professor - but I work with their students every day.

The written (and unwritten) rules loom larger than life.

 

The more I read through the thread - the more it felt like first year foreign/exchange student (bringing cultural values of a different sort?)

Perhaps...................

 

How strict may we assume the rules of deportment may be at university level? Professional dictates the boundaries cannot be blurred - dedicated to academic excellence and strict guidlines governing how grades are actually earned (so much at stake - both sides.)

 

Under normal circumstances, a prof is just not somebody to hit on.

They are under no circumstances, EVER a peer. (Usually not even for 30-something grad students.)

 

If the guy is a first year adjunct at a community college - maybe....that's one thing.

A tenured prof at a major university? Not a chance.

 

On the chance this actually means anything:

 

- pay more attention to your academic career - less attention to cutesy flirtation............it is a fool's game.

- you're not there to 'learn' romantic fantasies - you're there to earn a degree

- piss off the prof by acting like an ***hole, and he can make your academic life miserable

 

This ain't high school anymore, kiddo. Welcome to the Show. The Big Leagues.

You....or someone else - is paying large cash for the privilege of earning a credential.

Don't crap on it.

 

(strong students wither at the tone of voice....)

Edited May 24, 2014 by littleplanet

[preraph]

There's no shame in needing therapy to sort out why you imagined a relationship here and assume that if you're interested, he must be too. Seriously, why not see a therapist about this. When you can't let go and try to twist everything to be the way you want it to be, this is unhealthy and delusional. The sooner you deal with it, the happier you will be for the future.