Struggling to deal with emotionally dependent father?

[Meepi]

Hello,

 

I'm in dire need of some advice on how to handle a father who seems to be emotionally dependent on me.

 

A little background information - my parents started divorce proceedings when I was 13. My younger brother was 10. We also have a half sister (older) who was brought up by my father from a small child, though he is not her biological father. This was my mother's second marriage.

 

I'm 26 now. This all happened over a decade ago.

 

My mother ended the marriage. It took my father nearly two years to move out of the family home, and during that time, he behaved appallingly. I don't remember a lot of it - perhaps I have blanked it out - but what I do remember is really unpleasant. There was no physical violence, but a lot of emotional abuse directed at all of us. Nothing that went on between my parents at that time was hidden from my brother and me either - it was all very much out in the open, very adult, very nasty and very disturbing. It's something I still feel slightly resentful of both my parents for, as it seemed a very selfish mistake to make and affected both me and my brother deeply (my sister was away at university).

 

After my father left, I had sparse contact with him for several years. I suppose I was angry with the way he had behaved. He didn't make much effort to be in contact with me either, choosing not to acknowledge several of my birthdays because I didn't see him enough. My mother has had a few boyfriends, but as far as I know my father has not seen anyone else in any romantic context since.

 

When I was perhaps 19 (2007), my father and I started talking and seeing each other more - I don't really remember how it came about - and eventually built up a friendly relationship. In 2010, due to many factors, I suffered a nervous breakdown and started CBT with a local therapist, who diagnosed me with an anxiety and panic disorder. My father caught me one day working on an exercise I had been given as part of my treatment, and so I told him what had been going on with me. He then told me that he too suffers with anxiety and that the doctor had given him pills which he hadn't taken because they had 'made it worse', and so on and so forth. It was news to me, but everyone has their stuff, so I'd no reason to doubt him.

 

However, since then, it's like I've slowly become his doctor myself, though I really don't want to be. It started with him ringing or texting me on a regular basis to tell me how awful and stressful his job is (it really isn't from what I can see - most of it is spent out of office, travelling around, eating in cafes and popping home to check his emails). Then, he would start contacting me to say he had had a panic attack, because of this, that or the other. Or it would be that he was suffering with palpitations or blurred vision, because anxiety over his job and his life was overwhelming him. He still does this. He also texts me incredibly early in the mornings, sometimes as early as 5:30 a.m., to tell me that he has been throwing up with anxiety at the thought of having to go into work - or he texts me on a Sunday evening proclaiming utter woe that the weekend is over and the 'horror' of Monday is fast approaching. These messages are constant and consistently dark and depressing - because of this, they really get me down. It's got to the point where my heart sinks every time my phone goes off and I'm permanently on edge.

 

I suspect that part of the problem is that he can't move on from what happened with my mother. For example, he still expects to be involved in every aspect of our lives - my mother's included, which is very wrong. While my brother and I are now adults, we are still his children and so a certain degree of interest and involvement is of course to be expected. With me, though, I feel like it's gone way beyond what is healthy. He and my brother keep falling out, because my brother refuses to take his crap, yet can't go about vocalising this to him without being verbally aggressive and rude, which just makes it worse. Needless to say, I get dragged into their arguments, and when they are not speaking to each other, my father leans on me yet more heavily. I try to remain as neutral as possible during these blow-ups, yet I can see why my brother gets so frustrated. My father spends so much of his time blaming the past and fate for his current situation that he doesn't try to improve anything, preferring instead to constantly wear me down with his whining and angst. It's difficult, though, because there is literally nothing I can do to help. He has to help himself.

 

You might wonder why I put up with this, and why it affects me so much - well, the answer is simple: I feel guilty. Guilty at the thought of ignoring it or cutting him out of my life. Guilty because, fairly soon after this all started, he told me he wanted his life to stop. He also said that he felt that death was the only answer, and still says this now occasionally. My mother and brother would argue that this is just manipulative behaviour to keep me at his beck and call, but I'm not entirely sure and would feel terrible ignoring him, only for him to go and hurt himself in some way. He has told me many times that I am nice to talk to and the only person left he can discuss these things with, which makes me feel bad when I just want some personal space. He seems incapable of doing a thing on his own, or making any sort of decision without my input. He drinks too much and too often, and quickly goes from being a jovial, normal sort of guy to an obsessive-texting, depressive, dependent man-child. His latest 'problem' is the fact that he will only receive small pension from the government when he retires and that he has never purchased a property, instead choosing to rent all these years - he says he has 'no future' and makes a lot of wide claims about being 'doomed', '****ed' or 'screwed' when it comes to life. But these are issues he could have foreseen and made plans to avoid - so I don't know what he expects me to do about them. Or any of it really. It's like he just HAS to have something to be worried, anxious or stressed about - even if all his problems were resolved, he'd almost certainly find some more. He's managed to convince himself that his life is so awful that there's nothing he can do about it. But he's never even tried to change things, which irritates me.

 

I've urged him to see the doctor again or try therapy, but he won't. I've tried to get him to stop drinking, but he never does, always blaming his habit on some sort of 'stress' or saying it helps 'fill a void'. I'm incredibly angry with him for behaving so selfishly all the time and dragging me into this - yet I keep LETTING myself be dragged into it, because (despite my anger) I care about him - a lot. I also understand slightly how he feels because for many years, I lived in a black hole myself. I felt there was nothing I could do to help myself. I wallowed in self-pity and was, frankly, quite pathetic. Eventually, I did something about it, and I see now what a stupid waste of time it was.

 

Now, for the first time in my adult life, I feel almost hopeful in some aspects. I'm finally in a relationship with someone who is well-suited to me and who I genuinely respect and who makes me happy. We are moving into our first home together tomorrow and I am due to give birth to a baby girl in a matter of weeks. I simply cannot put up with this **** any more, therefore, and have done my best to articulate this to my father recently in a long email, which he barely bothered to acknowledge - and today, I have been on the receiving end of yet more of the usual nonsense, hence my post on here. I just don't know what else I can do - I need to focus and move towards the light for the sake of my partner and my soon-to-be daughter, but it's very difficult when my father keeps trying to drag me back down. I don't think he wants me to be unhappy or even really understands just what he is doing to me, but I get the impression that he has enjoyed having me around all these years suffering alongside him. To know I am suffering too has maybe made him feel comfortable, but now I'm finally moving onward and upward, he's finding it hard to cope. And the worst part of all? I feel guilty - disloyal even - for wanting and trying to be a happier and healthier person while he insists on remaining so toxic. It's starting to cause trouble in my relationship, because every time he starts being negative, I get wound up, snappy and I panic. My boyfriend can't understand why it's such a big deal for me, and why I am so controlled by it, and we end up griping at each other the majority of the times I am drawn into yet another situation. Sometimes I can't even let myself enjoy small things like a simple meal out because I'm scared my dad will do or say something and ruin it. He has no consideration for the fact that I have my own life to lead and doesn't seem to realise that I don't just sit at home waiting for him to

contact me.

 

Any advice on how I should handle this, especially from those who have been there, would be much appreciated. As I'm moving tomorrow, I won't have an internet connection for a few days, but I'll be back on as soon as I can.

 

Sorry for the horribly long post.

Edited May 22, 2014 by Meepi

[Tayla]

congrats on your new home and soon to be child! What great news to read about. Welcome to the board.

 

Keep your conversations in the present tense when discussing topics. Avoid or re-route any of his past woes conversations. I find it silly that this cannot be resolved or rekindled into a more mature loving dynamic. Your father has to do his part though. He and you can set some ground rules.

 

Best to you .

[GG3]

I am in a similar situation though it is with my uncle and I feel horribly guilty. I stopped answering the phone and blocked the calls so I can't see them anymore. I hate it but I have a life of my own (that he never wants to hear about) and I like you and not sitting around every evening waiting for his calls. I work hard at my job too and I'm tired when I get home! He even tried to call on my lunch break last week.

[Meepi]

That sounds a lot like my dad - just an utter disregard for your own time and space, even when they KNOW you are busy doing something else. It's like if it pops into their mind, they HAVE to voice it straight away, regardless of how it might make the other person feel. And yet WE are the ones sitting here feeling so guilty?

 

I can't bring myself to cut contact unfortunately. I would just feel too bad about it, and sit around worrying. I have great respect for your bravery in taking that step - good luck - and if anything changes for the better as a result, please do let me know ...

 

Thank you for your reply also Tayla - I'm trying to gently repeat myself as much as I can, hoping he will get the message, and we can reach a healthier stage in our relationship. Move is going well and baby girl is fit and healthy (from what I can tell)!