I think we might divorce... because of our dogs! OMG!

[bananatree]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have lots of issues, but the one issue that causes us to fight day after day after day is our dogs. How weird is that? I'm having a lot of trouble making sense of what is going on, so if any of you have any insight, I would be so appreciative!

 

The short version of the story--I'll write the long version too!-- is that my husband has, over the course of our marriage, continued to bring animals into our house, refused to take care of them, blame me for their "poor care" and continue to berate me for his dogs doing what dogs do. It literally makes no sense to me, but it continues to be a constance source of tension in our lives.

 

Here's the long version. When I met my husband, he had an elderly, sick Labrador who was the sweetest dog and I loved him to pieces. I've never been a dog person, myself. I had some cats growing up, but I've never had a dog. While my husband's career was taking off and he was busy flying off to different parts of the country, I spent many hours of my day walking his dog, taking his dog to the vet, administering medicines, etc... The dog had epilepsy and would have very severe seizures that would cause him to mess in the house A LOT and they also caused neurological issues that caused the dog to chew up anything he could find. Finally, when it was the dog's time to die, my husband was out of town and I nursed him through his final hours. I didn't have a car so I had to call a "pet ambulance" (you gotta love the 1st world!) and took care of him until the end. I genuinely loved that dog.

 

I admired a cute pug in our neighborhood and would often stop to say hello, so for my birthday, my husband surprised me with the cutest pug puppy you've ever seen. Nevermind I didn't actually WANT a pug puppy, I just liked saying hello to the one on the street, but I was very happy that our new doggy had come to live with us. And I genuinely believed he got me the puppy to make me happy. I had a baby a little while later. Soon after my baby was born, our pug started urinating a lot of blood. It turned out she had to have surgery to remove a bladder stone.

 

When my 1st baby was 2, I was pregnant with my second. My husband informed me he was going to get a new Labrador. I told him "no!" With a toddler, a newborn on the way and a dog with health problems, I was NOT going to get another dog soon. But he didn't care. He brought home a 10 month old black lab who was... pregnant!

 

I was soooooo mad. But! I decided to make the best of it. I knew he was too busy to take care of this dog, but I took it all upon myself. (Her puppies were stillborn, sadly). I walk her an hour a day, I take her to the dog park, I take her to the off-leash hiking area, to the beach. I'm even a member of the Labrador Meet-up in our area. I feed the dogs, I wash the dogs, I take them to the vet. I am a good dog-mommy.

 

Keep in mind. I NEVER WANTED THESE DOGS! But I am a good dog mommy because I am an animal lover.

 

Anyway, my husband NEVER walks them or takes care of them AT ALL. But EVERYDAY, he abrades me to not taking good enough care of them. The worst part is that our pug, who is now 10 and elderly, is rather incontinent because of her age and her already problematic bladder for which she's had surgery.

So... she pees in the house. She leaves little puddles of pug pee and I always have a container of Clorox wipes handy to wipe them up. No big deal. Really, it's not a big deal.

 

But for my husband, it's a HUGE deal. It's not like he ever cleans up. Or walks her. But if he sees her pee in the house, or even on our deck, he flips out! Which is every day. He blames me for "letting" her pee in the house. He says I should smack her. He says she is not allowed in the house ever. Or in the back yard. She is only allowed along the side of the house. 24/7. No matter the weather (there is a covered area and we live in So. Cal.).

 

He also won't let her sit near us because he doesn't like her snoring (she is a pug and she has no nose.) He really, really, hates this dog and regularly kicks her, throws things at her, even in front of our kids, who are actually horrified by his behavior.

 

As for our Lab, he refused to train her, she's horrible on the leash and he blames me for not being "alpha" enough with her.

 

It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel like he got these dogs to be a vehicle of abuse. I really don't know what to do. I can't give our pug away. She's elderly and incontinent, plus the kids and I do love her.

 

My husband's ire would make some sense if I were the one who insisted on getting these dogs. But I never wanted dogs in the first place. What the hell?

 

He had an old, sick dog when I met him, so he has no excuse that "he didn't know." What in the world is going on with this situation?

[todreaminblue]

......:0(

 

 

 

what an extremely difficult situation for you to deal with...you love your irresponsible husband and you have grown to love the animals he basically dumped on you to look after and care for and now they are part of your family......

 

i do have a suggestion for incontinence that may help you.....there are dog nappies you can buy washable ones(i know more work) they are fairly expensive but it is peace of mind and one outlay......mine cost fifty dollars each because i have a rottie and she goes on heat i am getting her fixed soon....but for a pug the cost should be less adn you can buy more....when she is in the house use the nappy......especially while sleeping as the bladder relaxes on dogs and actually people too...tell him you wouldnt lock him outside when he becomes old and incontinent ...you would change his nappy....:0)....ok i am kidding dont say that.......consider the nappy i think it will help you.......as far as the kicking goes..........iuwqg4fTPQQQYGUDTq87gpqigiqygwdgolduyp3w8qo7ygdpt1o87

 

 

 

ok i am alright now......he has to stop......simple as........you cant condone it.......or pretend he doesnt do it...pull him up immediately let your kids see you do that........as cesar milan would say ...no one really has bad dogs you just get bad owners.......be calm assertive you are the leader of the pack......ok i got that from ceasar milan but honestly your husband has no right to treat animals that way and maybe something is going on outside the home to change his behavior and stress him out........maybe he is becoming a bully because he is being bullied........

 

 

my girls cannot stop bringing home strays ........they actually follow my girls home....or they turn up and sit on our doorstep we normally find them their owners.....and we return them to their rightful homes....you cant do that because their home is with you.......your husband has to understand that he bought them now they are both your responsibility not just yours to own.......

 

 

i am sorry you have to deal with this i have tried to joke around in my post....maybe to bring a smile to your face...it must be heart breaking........ this is serious....and must be extremely hard on you...please update and let me know and others how you and your family are going with this.......hugs ....best wishes....deb

[somedude81]

Your husband has serious issues.

 

If you want to maintain some peace in your house, you may have to make a hard choice regarding the pug.

 

As for the lab, get on his ass for not training the dog he wanted.

[snappytomcat]

OMG!!!as a total animal lover,im angry that he kicks and abuses an animal,especially an elderly one,i would be scared to leave the dog alone with him,omg this upsets me.

does he treat the kids good?he showing them how to be abusive,he needs serious help,why in the h*ll,would he bring 2 dogs home and then abuse them this just boggles my mind.

I think this is a deeper issue than just the dogs,have you tried counseling?what do you want to do?do you want to save this marriage?has he been a good husband in the past?

[bananatree]

Thanks for the replies!!!!!!

 

I am definitely going to try dog diapers (or nappies!). They seem like they'd be more trouble than they are worth, which is why I haven't gotten them, but I'd be willing to try.

 

I just seem to think this is about more than dog pee. We actually DID go to counseling when he was trying to get me to agree to the Lab. We had other issues that brought us to counseling, but we ended up talking about the dog issue more than anything else. This was BEFORE we got the lab, because I was just so incensed that he would even ASK to get a dog when we already have a dog (that he hates) a toddler and a baby on the way.

 

It seemed REALLY important to him at the time. Strange, he hasn't looked at his Lab twice since he got her.

 

I'm just wondering WHAT KIND OF CRAZY IS THIS? Because it's not normal. It makes no sense, and I am having a really hard time understanding what is going through his mind.

 

He does treat our kids OK. Abusive tendencies for sure. He's kinda just a jerk all around, but he loves his kids. He does get on my case when they do something "bad" which isn't very often. The other day our son turned on the pool heater without asking, which is expensive. My husband yelled at him, and then he yelled AT ME. I'm not exactly sure why. But it was the same sort of thing as with the pug.

 

I have tried to talk to him to come to a compromise regarding the dogs. They sleep outside on the back porch at night (as per his request), but they come in and hang out with me during the day. My husband says they can't come in the house at all now, which makes NO SENSE.

 

Sometimes the Lab sneaks into the backyard and poops on the nice, green grass. This makes my husband flip his lid more than the pug peeing in the house!

 

I think he has really unrealistic expectations. Everyone I know who has a dog has to pick up dog poop at some point. What am I missing here? I walk them very frequently. The pug is, admittedly, incontinent, but the Lab is just acting like a normal Lab.

 

I just don't have the energy to have this fight EVERY DAY. It really is every day. I could get rid of the dogs, I suppose. But I fear that if the dogs were here for him to complain about, he would find something else, yk?

[snappytomcat]

I don't know whats going on with him,its not normal though,its more than just the dogs,i really think so.

where does he expect the poor dog to relieve itself,its a dog that's what dogs do,I have 4 dogs,and 3 cats and im sorry but if my husband ever layed a hand on them,i would be done with him,thank goodness he loves them too,probabaly not as much as I do,but he treats them well.

what did the counselor say?is there something else going on with him?

I hope you find some kind of compromise,sounds like hell to live in,like you cant do anything right,thats unfair.

I wish you luck,take care of yourself

oh by the way I foster lots of animals,and for the little dogs I use a potty patch,works well it like that fake grass stuff,with pheromones on it

[pteromom]

Your husband KICKS and ABUSES animals in front of your children? That is so sad, not only for the dog, but for your children who are learning it is ok to do that to a dog.

 

The thing is, you enable his behavior too... the first time he kicked the dog, you could have rained a sh&tstorm on him, and told him that if he ever does that again, you are taking the kids and getting out of there.

 

You could have told him that NO, you aren't leaving the pug outside. She's part of your family, and if he doesn't like the way you clean the pee up, he's welcome to go back over it himself.

 

How old are your kids, by the way? Because usually these type of abusers are ok as long as the kids are compliant and loving, but they turn mean once the child starts having a mind and opinions of his/her own.

 

Has he ever been abusive toward you (besides the obvious emotional abuse)?

[lollipopspot]

He also won't let her sit near us because he doesn't like her snoring (she is a pug and she has no nose.) He really, really, hates this dog and regularly kicks her, throws things at her, even in front of our kids, who are actually horrified by his behavior.

 

As for our Lab, he refused to train her, she's horrible on the leash and he blames me for not being "alpha" enough with her.

 

It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel like he got these dogs to be a vehicle of abuse...

 

He "regularly" kicks the pug?! Why are you letting this happen? Why aren't you keeping this dog safe from him? What's going on with you? Why do you find that tolerable?

 

You know what? I am all about keeping families together, even when there is infidelity. But I draw the line at abuse of children and animals. I wouldn't be able to look at a guy who kicks a little dog with sexual feelings, or any good feelings at all. What a bully.

 

I think this should be over for you, unless he stops immediately (which he won't) - and all hell should have broken loose the first time. No one would be able to "regularly" kick a dog or any other animal in my presence.

 

But I don't think he'll stop, and I don't think you'll leave.

 

So rehome (or euthanize - which is probably what would happen to them in a shelter) your dogs so they don't have to live with abuse.

 

Where is your protective instinct?

 

This is so shameful. What's going on with you?

Edited May 23, 2014 by lollipopspot

[harrybrown]

Can you go back to MC?

 

and see if the counselor can get him some help with his anger issues?

 

You have 2 kids to take care of and 2 dogs. maybe one of the dogs has to go.

 

your kids are innocent and I hope they do get some good home time, but the anger is not a good way to handle the pool heater.

 

He needs to lighten up. can you talk to his mom or his dad to see if they have any influence left on him?

[Clockwork]

Maybe get rid of the dogs? Or one of them? It happens. You'll miss them but he may have gotten those dogs to make you happy only to have him be miserable. 11 years of marriage and two kids is certainly worth fighting for and if the dogs are the only issues here then that is an easier solution than many others.

[lollipopspot]

Maybe get rid of the dogs? Or one of them? It happens. You'll miss them but he may have gotten those dogs to make you happy only to have him be miserable. 11 years of marriage and two kids is certainly worth fighting for and if the dogs are the only issues here then that is an easier solution than many others.

 

I do think that he should not have any animals around him, and she clearly isn't keeping them safe. But the dogs are obviously not the only issue.

[soccerrprp]

Surely, this cannot only be about dogs???!!! There has to be some underlying reason for the dysfunction in the relationship.

[bananatree]

He "regularly" kicks the pug?! Why are you letting this happen? Why aren't you keeping this dog safe from him? What's going on with you? Why do you find that tolerable?

 

 

Where is your protective instinct?

 

This is so shameful. What's going on with you?

 

lollipopspot, this was a really mean post. What's going on with you?

 

Did you even READ the title of my OP? I am talking about divorce, over this issue and others.

[MidwestUSA]

Surely, this cannot only be about dogs???!!! There has to be some underlying reason for the dysfunction in the relationship.

 

I have a feeling if the dogs were gone, he'd take to kicking/hitting someone else (OP).

 

 

I'm sorry, I'd be gone. I couldn't love a man who does this. Best of luck, OP.

[lollipopspot]

lollipopspot, this was a really mean post. What's going on with you?

 

Did you even READ the title of my OP? I am talking about divorce, over this issue and others.

 

Well don't ever let him kick the dog again. Keep the dog safe, woman. I wish I could swoop in and take that dog so s/he never had to get abused again. Believe me, that wouldn't happen under my watch, no matter the situation. It's abusive for your kids to see it too.

 

You know, we read posts on here, but we can do nothing more than give our opinions. When I read that a dog is "regularly" getting kicked in your house, I find that extremely upsetting. You are the only one to prevent that from happening again. I hope that dog doesn't have to get kicked even one more time in your house. I think somehow the situation has normalized for you.

[bananatree]

Before anyone freaks out, while he is NOT NICE to this pug and basically ignores the Lab, I don't believe any animal is at risk of being injured. I think you guys are getting the wrong idea that he is physically hurting the animals.

 

I should be clear, he throws stuff, but in a disrespectful way more than in a way to intend harm, if that makes sense.

 

I have told him to stop and that it is NOT OKAY. I'm not sure why I'm under fire for enabling this behavior because I haven't left yet.

[Allumere]

You need to google "abusive relationships." He is emotionally abusive to you and physical abusive to the dogs. For him it is about control. I don't know enough to say he is a narsisist but the perfection thing (how a brown spot reflects on him; his dogs aren't perfect) certainly aligns.

 

Get to counseling but if he is reluctant then get out. You should not live a life where everyday you are graded C-F due to someone else's unrealistic, selfish expectations. He won't own that the Lab isn't trained because of his lack of action, easier to blame you. He is a coward and NOT a good example for your children at this point in time.

[lollipopspot]

I don't believe any animal is at risk of being injured. I think you guys are getting the wrong idea that he is physically hurting the animals.

 

So he kicks the little dog gently when he's angry?

[todreaminblue]

to all the posters who have suggested handing the dogs over to be euthanised or to get rid of the dogs if the underlying issues of bullying behavior arent dealt with ........the op is right where will the next outlet of bad behavior be......the kids who wont listen when they start to want freedom to choose their paths.... most likely....as already written by the op she already cops abuse being verbal lashings.........she already is copping abuse from the husband that is what is going on with her.....she has domestic violence in her home or the start of......still want to ask her what her problem is.......or can we help

 

if i was her friend and i was right there for her i would offer my home for the dogs and kids to play in for respite and alone time to sort out this mess......a safe house.......including for her if she needed it......have done this.....i looked after on overweightdsog called muffy for a while to get her weight down...considering i am overweight i fidn it funny my dogs are in peak condition but anyway.....i woudl do this no hesitation so she could settle whatever underlying issues are there .......i would ask you banana have you got any friends or family who might watch you animals for a little while to help you out if you get them some nappies and provide for their care..........animal lovers maybe in the family or friends maybe...have you spoken to anyone outside of your marriage other than counseling ......who you trust............

 

 

this is why peopel dotn come forward with domestic violence issues...just saying ....she is at her wits end...nto a nice place to be..... i find it offensive that posters are asking her what her problem is..she is telling us what her problem is..she is alone in this obviously....thats her problem .....so helpful advice not judgement on what she has or hasnt done......just saying...i think that would be far more beneficial......and allow an open honest discussion.....to actually help her........thanks for reading...so op do you have someone you can trust ......a friend or family....deb

[bananatree]

So he kicks the little dog gently when he's angry?

 

 

He will kick her out of the way, kick her toward the door, shove her. It's not like a soccer kick. He has never injured the dog, though I suppose she could have gotten injured. I'm not defending his behavior, on the contrary...

[bananatree]

to all the posters who have suggested handing the dogs over to be euthanised or to get rid of the dogs if the underlying issues of bullying behavior arent dealt with ........the op is right where will the next outlet of bad behavior be......the kids who wont listen when they start to want freedom to choose their paths.... most likely....as already written by the op she already cops abuse being verbal lashings.........she already is copping abuse from the husband that is what is going on with her.....she has domestic violence in her home or the start of......still want to ask her what her problem is.......or can we help

 

if i was her friend and i was right there for her i would offer my home for the dogs and kids to play in for respite and alone time to sort out this mess......a safe house.......including for her if she needed it......have done this.....i looked after on overweightdsog called muffy for a while to get her weight down...considering i am overweight i fidn it funny my dogs are in peak condition but anyway.....i woudl do this no hesitation so she could settle whatever underlying issues are there .......i would ask you banana have you got any friends or family who might watch you animals for a little while to help you out if you get them some nappies and provide for their care..........animal lovers maybe in the family or friends maybe...have you spoken to anyone outside of your marriage other than counseling ......who you trust............

 

 

this is why peopel dotn come forward with domestic violence issues...just saying ....she is at her wits end...nto a nice place to be..... i find it offensive that posters are asking her what her problem is..she is telling us what her problem is..she is alone in this obviously....thats her problem .....so helpful advice not judgement on what she has or hasnt done......just saying...i think that would be far more beneficial......and allow an open honest discussion.....to actually help her........thanks for reading...so op do you have someone you can trust ......a friend or family....deb

 

Your words are very kind. Thank you.

 

As I said, it's not easy to find someone to watch the dog. I'm definitely NOT going to euthanize the pug because I don't think that would really solve a problem, plus, I don't think I could get over the resentment. Could you even imagine?

 

I'm actually hoping to keep the dog and lose the husband, because it is about so much more than the dogs.

[todreaminblue]

Your words are very kind. Thank you.

 

As I said, it's not easy to find someone to watch the dog. I'm definitely NOT going to euthanize the pug because I don't think that would really solve a problem, plus, I don't think I could get over the resentment. Could you even imagine?

 

I'm actually hoping to keep the dog and lose the husband, because it is about so much more than the dogs.

 

 

i just rang my mum had a blast of asking her about her dog..... i am so excited i might have an answer:bunny::bunny:, silly me didnt think of it......my mum has a german shepherd who has been incontinent and you will need to take old pugsy to a vet because thi smedication needs prescri[ption ....with zero side effects..... mums tahnee has been on incontinent tablets since beign desexed as a pup and the incontinence is immediately dealt with it stops...yay....the tablet that has to be prescribed is

 

 

 

stilboestrol

 

 

tahnee takes just one mg a day so that would be way less for your pug would have to take based on weight.......its twenty to thirty dollars fro 30 tabs at one mg...thats a months supply.........and that would probably cost you less than the wipesa month.....to clean up the mess....i know it doesnt fix your husband .....if only huh......but maybe if we can settle this problem with pugs......maybe you might be able to get to the root of the problem with your husband and less work for you to contend with.....even better than nappies..... and you wont have to lose either husband or dog......even though i think a kennel out the back when your husband is naughty might help...kidding...maybe not........hugs....so excited.....smilin....deb

[snappytomcat]

good luck banana

I pray for peace for you,and your children,and the doggies,please don't think I was bashing you,im ticked at your husband

please give those doggies a scratch on the head for me

[bananatree]

You need to google "abusive relationships." He is emotionally abusive to you and physical abusive to the dogs. For him it is about control. I don't know enough to say he is a narsisist but the perfection thing (how a brown spot reflects on him; his dogs aren't perfect) certainly aligns.

 

Get to counseling but if he is reluctant then get out. You should not live a life where everyday you are graded C-F due to someone else's unrealistic, selfish expectations. He won't own that the Lab isn't trained because of his lack of action, easier to blame you. He is a coward and NOT a good example for your children at this point in time.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. The perfection thing.

 

One more thing... he wanted to get a rug for the living room. I said it would be a bad idea because the pug would pee on it. This ended up being a point of contention for a really long time because he felt like I was "letting" the pug pee in the house, therefore it was my fault he couldn't get a rug.

 

He got a rug, the pug peed on it (of course, like we didn't know this would happen) and it got ruined. Not only that, but the moisture that was trapped under the rug left a dark stain on the hardwood floor, which he won't let me forget.

 

It does seem to be about control. I, obviously, don't "let" the pug pee in the house. My crime is that... I don't know... I guess that I let the pug in the house, ever. I'm also not allowed to give the dog water. Of course, I DO give the dogs as much water as they need, but not without having to deal with a fight. About water? Who doesn't give their dogs water??? He would like me to give them only a prescribed amount of water. How much? I don't know. 16 oz. of water a day? 20 oz?

 

For clarity, the dogs have a "zone" on the side of the house that is paved and fenced. There is a back porch there where they have their beds. It just is not realistic for the dogs to spend ALL the time back there.

[bananatree]

good luck banana

I pray for peace for you,and your children,and the doggies,please don't think I was bashing you,im ticked at your husband

please give those doggies a scratch on the head for me

 

Thank you! As I type, puggy is sitting at my feet snoring away. My fantastically handsome cat is sitting next to me.

 

I really appreciate everyone's perspective on this.