I think we might divorce... because of our dogs! OMG!

[snappytomcat]

oh I do love pug snores or snorts,and I just love cats

[janedoe67]

He "regularly" kicks the pug?! Why are you letting this happen? Why aren't you keeping this dog safe from him? What's going on with you? Why do you find that tolerable?

 

You know what? I am all about keeping families together, even when there is infidelity. But I draw the line at abuse of children and animals. I wouldn't be able to look at a guy who kicks a little dog with sexual feelings, or any good feelings at all. What a bully.

 

I think this should be over for you, unless he stops immediately (which he won't) - and all hell should have broken loose the first time. No one would be able to "regularly" kick a dog or any other animal in my presence.

 

But I don't think he'll stop, and I don't think you'll leave.

 

So rehome (or euthanize - which is probably what would happen to them in a shelter) your dogs so they don't have to live with abuse.

 

Where is your protective instinct?

 

This is so shameful. What's going on with you?

 

Wow.....let's bash the abuse victim

[Eivuwan]

Your husband has serious problems regarding a need to abuse other people/animals and control them. In this case, I think he needs individual counseling. His issues are deep and he seems to be in denial about them. I think these are definitely problems that warrant a divorce.

[lollipopspot]

Wow.....let's bash the abuse victim

 

No, it's actually the dog who is being abused. She needs to be the protector.

 

She's in a crappy marriage no doubt, but the one who can get up and walk away needs to protect the dependents who can't.

[bananatree]

i just rang my mum had a blast of asking her about her dog..... i am so excited i might have an answer:bunny::bunny:, silly me didnt think of it......my mum has a german shepherd who has been incontinent and you will need to take old pugsy to a vet because thi smedication needs prescri[ption ....with zero side effects..... mums tahnee has been on incontinent tablets since beign desexed as a pup and the incontinence is immediately dealt with it stops...yay....the tablet that has to be prescribed is

 

 

 

stilboestrol

 

 

tahnee takes just one mg a day so that would be way less for your pug would have to take based on weight.......its twenty to thirty dollars fro 30 tabs at one mg...thats a months supply.........and that would probably cost you less than the wipesa month.....to clean up the mess....i know it doesnt fix your husband .....if only huh......but maybe if we can settle this problem with pugs......maybe you might be able to get to the root of the problem with your husband and less work for you to contend with.....even better than nappies..... and you wont have to lose either husband or dog......even though i think a kennel out the back when your husband is naughty might help...kidding...maybe not........hugs....so excited.....smilin....deb

 

I took her to the vet a couple weeks ago and asked about this and the vet said maybe she would prescribe it but wanted her to come back for blood tests, etc... which she is doing tomorrow. Hopefully she'll get on the meds that can help her.

 

Thanks so much!

[bananatree]

No, it's actually the dog who is being abused. She needs to be the protector.

 

She's in a crappy marriage no doubt, but the one who can get up and walk away needs to protect the dependents who can't.

 

You really don't understand what I'm talking about in this post.

[todreaminblue]

I took her to the vet a couple weeks ago and asked about this and the vet said maybe she would prescribe it but wanted her to come back for blood tests, etc... which she is doing tomorrow. Hopefully she'll get on the meds that can help her.

 

Thanks so much!

 

i hope that your little pug comes through and is able to take meds for his comfort......mums german shepherd always looked so apologetic when she made a mess......hung her head and walked off her gangly way ashamed....dogs have feelings ....they understand and have a vocabulary and are able to understand words.......and inflection in voices.....tonal quality...........dogs can sense sadness and anger and joyfulness..they can sense illness as well......tell your husband that next time he decides to growl at them like an animal....my rottie when i was suffering from depression would sit at my feet and rest her chin on my toes.......the old girl died at twelve i still miss her i have a home full of pets and children.....my old girl was one of them...i had her cremated and she rests in my room in a sealed little box........ she made me smile through tears many times when no one else understood why i was crying or didnt see...she did see and she knew there was nothign to be said to make me better .....she would just sit with me ...animals tend to do that.........may god always be with you and your family including the hairballs and rugrats and any decisions you make be blessings for all of you..........deb xo

[GypsieFlower]

You really don't understand what I'm talking about in this post.

 

 

 

No I think she does understand.

 

 

you want everyone to feel sorry for you because you care for everyone and your husband is a tyrant, even though you have done nothing to stop his behaviour or let him know it isn't right, you just sit there and take it so when someone asks or you come on these forums you can complain about how bad your husband is and never really fix it because A, you don't think you can do better, and B. He is probably not as bad as you say, considering you went from he kicks the dog to " its a slight nudge towards the door occasionally". why would you say this if it was just a small nudge : He really, really, hates this dog and regularly kicks her, throws things at her, even in front of our kids, who are actually horrified by his behavior.

 

You wanna fix it? Leave. Take your kids and the dogs if you want. Get rid of the dogs if that will help.

 

But don't say how bad your husband is and then defend him when people start agreeing.

 

 

And Lolly is right. The dog doesn't deserve to be in the middle of this. Yes he brought the dog into your family, but you are the one enabling this "abuse".

Edited May 23, 2014 by GypsieFlower

[bananatree]

Ok, I have gotten some good advice, but there are some people on this thread who seem to not understand and have resorted to plain meanness.

 

I came on here trying to understand my husband's behavior regarding these dogs he brought into the house. I apologize for grossly over inflating the problem and making it seem like my dogs are being injured. That really isn't the problem. He doesn't treat them well, but they have NOT BEEN INJURED. There seems to be some cognitive dissonance going on here. The picture I have painted, and then tried to clarify, is not coming through here.

 

The problem is that my husband becomes irate when the dogs do regular dog things. The part that is hard for me is that their regular dog behavior (that my husband thinks is bad) is MY fault... not theirs. Not that it would be their fault, anyway. It just is.

 

I wrote a post saying how I was thinking of divorcing my husband over this dog issue--which has become somehow understood by many of you as me choosing to "enable" his behavior. I'm not sure which part is enabling. The fact that I'm posting here, or that I want a divorce?

 

Funny, this is exactly what my husband says in these exact same words. He says I "enable" the dogs' bad behavior. I "enable" our kids' bad behavior. At which point did the word "enable" come to become so misunderstood?

[Allumere]

I am no expert in pysch terms...maybe enable is not the best term here but I get the point. The OPs, as often happens here, are trying to hold up a mirror and are taking the most direct approach. It feels like an attack but it comes from a legitimate place of concern based on what they have seen and lived through themselves as well as reading through your post.

 

Based on everything it comes down to the dynamic between you and your husband seems to be an unhealthy one, even if things aren't as bad as initially came across. The fact that it has gone on for so long with the pups as the example is why folks see it as enabling. For whatever reason you have tolerated it. You may disagree, argue etc. with your husband but what has changed? You still have to walk on eggshells regarding the pups...and nothing you do is every right. And it sounds like the same scenario with the kids.

[bananatree]

I am no expert in pysch terms...maybe enable is not the best term here but I get the point. The OPs, as often happens here, are trying to hold up a mirror and are taking the most direct approach. It feels like an attack but it comes from a legitimate place of concern based on what they have seen and lived through themselves as well as reading through your post.

 

Based on everything it comes down to the dynamic between you and your husband seems to be an unhealthy one, even if things aren't as bad as initially came across. The fact that it has gone on for so long with the pups as the example is why folks see it as enabling. For whatever reason you have tolerated it. You may disagree, argue etc. with your husband but what has changed? You still have to walk on eggshells regarding the pups...and nothing you do is every right. And it sounds like the same scenario with the kids.

 

Thank you for your reply. It's hard because when you have someone constantly telling you that you are wrong, doing things the wrong way, making the wrong choices, it's really hard to not second-guess yourself.

 

I think that's what's been going on here for years. Yesterday, on our way out the door to take the kids to school, the dog peed on the deck, which is over our car parking area. The dog pee landed on his car--which is definitely annoying-- but whatever. This set him off... and he started on the "F - You!" rant (in front of the kids).

 

I can't do this anymore and I told him that I am divorcing him. I am divorcing him, in fact, I've been seeing a specialized "divorce coach" for a few months now who is helping me through the process, since I feel really unempowered to go through with it. I want to go through with it. I really do.

 

I've been saving up money and I have enough for a retainer and I have the support of my family.

 

Anyway, he just came back from taking the dog to her vet appointment, trying to make up for his abysmal behavior. Too little, too late.

[janedoe67]

No, it's actually the dog who is being abused. She needs to be the protector.

 

She's in a crappy marriage no doubt, but the one who can get up and walk away needs to protect the dependents who can't.

 

No,she and her children are being emotionally abused. I love my dog, but even I know that a dog and a person are not the same. And responding to the COp's pain by bashing HER is just lacking in compassion. Period.

[SoleMate]

It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel like he got these dogs to be a vehicle of abuse.

Absolutely. You have endured far more than I ever would or even could. I have no idea what is the root cause of your husband's rotten behavior, but maybe it doesn't really matter. If he screams obscenities at you for ANY reason.....let alone for your "failure" to fully neutralize the gargantuan problems that he caused....which he does.....he's a hateful jerk.

 

Not that it matters, but just a thought.....some (evil) men like to see a woman heavily burdened with domestic duties to keep her tied to the hearth so she can't have a life outside of him. Children work somewhat well, but since they go to school and grow up eventually, a chain of medically fragile animals dumped on an ethical animal lover might be even better as that can be constantly renewed and even multiplied (i.e. pregnant stray) at will.

[Eivuwan]

Thank you for your reply. It's hard because when you have someone constantly telling you that you are wrong, doing things the wrong way, making the wrong choices, it's really hard to not second-guess yourself.

 

I think that's what's been going on here for years. Yesterday, on our way out the door to take the kids to school, the dog peed on the deck, which is over our car parking area. The dog pee landed on his car--which is definitely annoying-- but whatever. This set him off... and he started on the "F - You!" rant (in front of the kids).

 

I can't do this anymore and I told him that I am divorcing him. I am divorcing him, in fact, I've been seeing a specialized "divorce coach" for a few months now who is helping me through the process, since I feel really unempowered to go through with it. I want to go through with it. I really do.

 

I've been saving up money and I have enough for a retainer and I have the support of my family.

 

Anyway, he just came back from taking the dog to her vet appointment, trying to make up for his abysmal behavior. Too little, too late.

 

I am very happy for you that you are going through with the divorce. It is indeed hard to know who is right and wrong in a relationship when you're the accommodating type. But now that your mind is clear, it is too little too late for him. Your husband doesn't know what he lost.

[Allumere]

Thank you for your reply. It's hard because when you have someone constantly telling you that you are wrong, doing things the wrong way, making the wrong choices, it's really hard to not second-guess yourself.

 

I think that's what's been going on here for years. Yesterday, on our way out the door to take the kids to school, the dog peed on the deck, which is over our car parking area. The dog pee landed on his car--which is definitely annoying-- but whatever. This set him off... and he started on the "F - You!" rant (in front of the kids).

 

I can't do this anymore and I told him that I am divorcing him. I am divorcing him, in fact, I've been seeing a specialized "divorce coach" for a few months now who is helping me through the process, since I feel really unempowered to go through with it. I want to go through with it. I really do.

 

I've been saving up money and I have enough for a retainer and I have the support of my family.

 

Anyway, he just came back from taking the dog to her vet appointment, trying to make up for his abysmal behavior. Too little, too late.

 

 

Good to hear that you have been working with a coach. All this is a lot to navigate and even more of a challenge when you are in a position to constantly wonder "is it really me? do I deserve this?" You should be incredibly proud of yourself for taking these steps....seriously. It is very encouraging to also hear you have a support system as many folks (men and women) don't and if most folks are like me, they stink at asking for help. Keep moving forward.

[whirl3daway]

You might want to think about getting your kids some counseling. Witnessing this behavior in an adult that is supposed to be safe and a role model could be very damaging.

[whichwayisup]

Your husband has abusive tendencies towards the dogs, he's kicked them, and yes I'm sure the dog was hurt - dogs also remember stuff, they aren't stupid. Dogs also pee and poop on grass, he seems like a "man child", throwing tantrums over stupid things. Sorry to be blunt but your husband has deeper issues going on, this isn't just about the dogs it's much more than that. He is not a responsible person, he expects you to everything and anything then he can blame you for it all when life doesn't go the way he wants it to.

 

Get to counseling regardless if there's a divorce or not - You two still will need to co parent together and the kids may need help adjusting depending on the outcome of all this. Counseling can help them either way just because of the emotional abuse going on, kids learn and see what 'relationships' are through their parents and your kids unfortunately don't have a great role model and there's an unhealthy dynamic going on in the household that has to stop.

 

You do everything and that's not right. Your H needs to do his share and take responsibility more seriously.

[bananatree]

I've spoken with a couple attorneys over the last few years. The contention and the cost is really scary to me. My divorce coach is steering me towards mediation, which I'm receptive to, but I'm not entirely sure it would work, considering his bullying tendencies.

 

She tells me that I can do this thing called "council" where we are in separate rooms but coming to an agreement with the mediator. I have my first appointment with the mediator tomorrow by phone and we'll see how it goes.

 

My husband is doing this thing now where he's being extra nice, to me and to the kids and animals... as if I will forget his insane behavior from a few days ago (and really for years).

 

It's really hard because it makes me seem like the insane one (see? I'm so nice! What are you talking about??)

 

It's all just part of the cycle, but it's sooooo hard to deal with...

[bananatree]

For those of you who are confused by my posts....

 

I have been reading (and re-reading) a book called "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft that talks about how abusive people behave.

 

My husband is a former athlete and he has pretty good aim. When I say that he throws stuff at the dogs, I mean, he's able to throw stuff (like a shoe, but often times something softer, like a pillow) exactly two inches from the dog, as to not exactly hit the dog, but to incite fear (in the dog and also myself).

 

In this way, he is able to exact perfect control to let me know that he can hurt the dogs (and also consequently me) but he won't... unless? It's especially egregious because he straddles that fine line where he doesn't hurt them or me, but he could.

 

He knows that actually hurting the dogs, the kids or myself would be irrevocable proof of his abuse. But if he doesn't hurt anyone? If there are no bruises or cuts, then it's he said/she said. It's amazing to watch the amount of control he has.

 

It's really hard because it causes me to second guess myself all the time. Is it really abusive? Am I just really acting out of line/doing something wrong?

 

For all those who have never been in this situation, I implore you to understand what it is actually like. Every day, I feel like I am crazy and looking for reasons to villainize my husband. From the outside, maybe it looks so clear, but from the inside, it's just crazy.

[Eivuwan]

I know it's hard. It's like he's slowly brainwashing you over time to the point where you can't see things for what they are. Living apart for awhile would really help you clear your mind imo.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I have really nothing good to say about your husband. If it were me, I would be running for a divorce but I know it is not so simple.

 

Your husband:

1. Unloads a puppy lab on you when you already had a pug you didn't ask for, with one child on the way. After you specifically said no. And she was pregnant to boot which could have left you with two or MORE puppies.

 

2. He KICKS a senior dog for a problem it can't help. This is just horrifying, I can't even wrap my head around this one.

 

3. He hates the pugs snoring (which I and most animal lovers find adorable btw)

 

4. He yells at you for finding a pee spot instead of just silently cleaning the mess up like an adult?

 

 

Frankly he sounds like an utter monster. How can he kick a dog? Grab all your kids and animals and get out. Or kick him out. He sucks.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I actually feel the need to add this. As hard as this is, since I am sure you love these dogs on some level, I believe at this point, it would be best to foster these dogs into a home where they can live their lives out with peace and love. The dogs may miss you at first, but I take care of dogs for a living and know that is they are surrounded by love they will move on rather quickly. Your home, until too divorce which could take a year or more, is no longer a good home for either dogs or dare I say, children. But most definitely the dogs. Start contacting whomever you can to find out who you can adopt these puppies out to ASAP. Throwing anything at an animal, yelling at them until they are intimidated, kicking is terrible abuse. They will be much happier in a stable environment.

 

Also, I have seen dogs who would be suffering terrible pain, but don't show it on their face, just because all seems okay five seconds later, your dog is still being abused. They simply don't express themselves the same way we do and are too overly forgiving to the wrong people.

[todreaminblue]

hey banana looks like you are still copping flak in this thread ..

 

 

from me to you ....i have nothing but respect for you dealing with what you have to deal with and being so forgiving of ignorance in others who have no idea what it is like to have what you have, to do and deal with....using words like enabling, its your fault ,you should do this you should do that not so easy when you are bang smack in the middle of a marriage kids and animals.........no comment.......but this ...pffft.

 

 

 

......i was wondering how the vet visit went for you did you have much luck with getting meds.........:bunny:...deb

[bananatree]

hey banana looks like you are still copping flak in this thread ..

 

 

from me to you ....i have nothing but respect for you dealing with what you have to deal with and being so forgiving of ignorance in others who have no idea what it is like to have what you have, to do and deal with....using words like enabling, its your fault ,you should do this you should do that not so easy when you are bang smack in the middle of a marriage kids and animals.........no comment.......but this ...pffft.

 

 

 

......i was wondering how the vet visit went for you did you have much luck with getting meds.........:bunny:...deb

 

Thanks for the kind words. The vet visit went well. The pug got the royal treatment at the vet (all kinds of scans and tests). She's had a chronic cough that I thought could be something serious. Turns out she has a collapsed trachea (which sounds bad, but apparently it's common in small dogs and doesn't need much treatment). She also has (as I suspected) a UTI and has been given a prescription for antibiotics.

 

I also spoke with the mediator today. He has taken a lot of anxiety out of this whole process. He is urging me to speak with other mediators to make sure I find the right fit, but I think I really like him. I just need to get my husband to call him and sign on. This will be the hard part (one of many to come).

 

Right now my husband is on best behavior. For those who have never dealt with difficult types, this is the hardest part. He's being SUPER nice to the dogs, even calling them "sweetheart." He's at a birthday party with our daughter (usually something he avoids like the plague). All of this is to make me feel like my grievances are bogus and he is really the MOST AMAZING HUMAN EVER!.

 

The good news is that my kids are done with school in a few days and that gives me a lot of freedom to go stay at my mom's or figure something else out to get away.

[lollipopspot]

Right now my husband is on best behavior. For those who have never dealt with difficult types, this is the hardest part. He's being SUPER nice to the dogs, even calling them "sweetheart." He's at a birthday party with our daughter (usually something he avoids like the plague). All of this is to make me feel like my grievances are bogus and he is really the MOST AMAZING HUMAN EVER!

 

I think that it could help you to write down a private list of many things that he has done that crossed the line for you. It seems like this relationship has caused you to question your own judgement and perceptions, and it's probably hard to remember what he has done when he's in his "honeymoon" phase after an episode. It would also be helpful to look at it during separation, if you start to wonder why you separated.

 

I have done something like this when I was trying to have no contact with someone. I would think of all the great things and get sentimental, but then I had a list of how it wasn't working, and what a mind**** the relationship was to me, and that helped.