I think we might divorce... because of our dogs! OMG!

[snappytomcat]

Thanks for the kind words. The vet visit went well. The pug got the royal treatment at the vet (all kinds of scans and tests). She's had a chronic cough that I thought could be something serious. Turns out she has a collapsed trachea (which sounds bad, but apparently it's common in small dogs and doesn't need much treatment). She also has (as I suspected) a UTI and has been given a prescription for antibiotics.

 

I also spoke with the mediator today. He has taken a lot of anxiety out of this whole process. He is urging me to speak with other mediators to make sure I find the right fit, but I think I really like him. I just need to get my husband to call him and sign on. This will be the hard part (one of many to come).

 

Right now my husband is on best behavior. For those who have never dealt with difficult types, this is the hardest part. He's being SUPER nice to the dogs, even calling them "sweetheart." He's at a birthday party with our daughter (usually something he avoids like the plague). All of this is to make me feel like my grievances are bogus and he is really the MOST AMAZING HUMAN EVER!.

 

The good news is that my kids are done with school in a few days and that gives me a lot of freedom to go stay at my mom's or figure something else out to get away.

glad to know vet check went well,yes collapsed tracheas sound way worse then they actually are,especially on those flat nosed dogs.

and typical behavior of an abuser,i hate to say,i was in an abuse relationship years ago,which started out as mental,and he abused my pets,and it led to physical abuse,and every damn time after he would hit me,he would cry and say it would never happen again,and be the most loving and attentive human on the planet,thats what they do to suck you back in once they realize they might be losing you,and they are so convincing.

I hope you will all go to your moms house,will this mean all the pets too,i know you said you are in socal,iam too if we are close by maybe I can foster your cat,and small dog for you for a bit if that would help

good luck

[bananatree]

I think that it could help you to write down a private list of many things that he has done that crossed the line for you. It seems like this relationship has caused you to question your own judgement and perceptions, and it's probably hard to remember what he has done when he's in his "honeymoon" phase after an episode. It would also be helpful to look at it during separation, if you start to wonder why you separated.

 

I have done something like this when I was trying to have no contact with someone. I would think of all the great things and get sentimental, but then I had a list of how it wasn't working, and what a mind**** the relationship was to me, and that helped.

 

I've been thinking about what you said about being an "enabler" to his abusive tendencies, and I think you may be right. I've been researching this term called "rage-aholism" where people actually get a "high" from anger. The brain produces dopamine during and anger episode which "rage-aholics" find pleasurable and addictive.

 

Trying to analyze this situation, it seems to me that my husband sets himself up for being angry. He actually LOVES when the dogs pee in the house because he can throw a tantrum and get his emotional fix. Oddly, when he does this, he feels much better afterwards. The thing that made him so angry only a day before becomes a non-issue and you can sense the feeling of release the has experienced. The issue isn't always the dogs--it can be about any number of things.

 

I have been complicit in letting him go through this process time after time. But because his anger has been directed towards me, I've been internalizing that I'm doing something wrong--that if I just changed my behavior or became more sensitive to his needs, everything would be better. The thing is, it's not about the dogs or the kids or the dishes or anything. He will find something to hang his rage on and I need to step away from this scenario.

 

I have to realize that I have been codependent in "enabling" this addiction. It's weird because, if he were an alcoholic, I feel like my codependency would be more obvious. But since everyone can get angry or annoyed over the course of a marriage, it's hard to identify when this time of emotional urgency becomes an addiction.

 

This little revelation has kind of blown my mind. And I feel like I'm starting to make sense of something that has eluded me for years. Being a good spouse means trying to listen to your partner and understanding their needs, so I have tried to do that. But his needs aren't to be happy or to have peace. His needs are to create conflict and chaos. Wow!

[Ninjainpajamas]

This situation is a little too black and white, actually....a lot.

 

You already sound like you have one foot out the door and I seriously doubt any of the behavior mentioned here is anything new for you, so coming here and posting about this....furthermore corralling the PETA group for those easy votes with the sad stories about the dogs being treated poorly like that's the big problem, when you've obviously got other issues in the relationship and since you've been dealing with him for years by now, not only have you been aware of his attitude and treatment but are perfectly familiar with his patterns and behavior, so why are you sitting here talking like you just met the guy? For you, this is really nothing new or any different, so what was good enough yesterday that wasn't good enough for today? and unless things get to a point of emotional detachment...I don't see women walk away from men they are in-love with and marriages they are trying to save, even when they should.

 

So it sounds extremely far-fetched that you're just suddenly drawing the line now for...just because you're tired of it now and his anger issues and the way he treats the dogs, that might sound like an open and shut case in theory but it's never that simple for the majority of planet earth in practice...so it sounds like you're doing this for some other more substantial reason, so what we're you waiting for? waiting for the kids to get to a certain age first? waiting for the right moment? because this all sounds premeditated, rather than a heart-felt and genuine struggle and doubt, you look like you're just looking for ways to decrease your own accountability for the last 11 years or more, and place the blame and responsibility on his shoulders.

 

Furthermore a person who was truly a dog lover would not just sit there and tolerate any kind of abuse with the animals, they just wouldn't allow it...it would be like attacking their child, those are the animal lovers I know at least, you would have been in really hot water the first time around to say the very very least.

 

This just doesn't "feel" or sound "right"...I even read your comments over to just make sure I wasn't the jumping to gun, but something seems very off here, it's like ok...what are you trying to accomplish at this point?...I think you've got your own agenda and you're talking like you just met the guy or you didn't or couldn't have known better, but this is 11 years, you've had plenty of time to read the writing on the wall and I'm sure you have, so what made it worth putting with him in order to get?...you knew what was going on, you knew how he was, you're just complaining right now about him and his bad ways which is easy to do on online forum, but I strongly question your motives, because they might be pretty self-fulfilling and manipulative but through a very victimized posture and demeanor...like you're just trying to just "figure him out"...yeah, you're trying to "fix" to him now? how about you focus on yourself and let him get around to fixing himself if he ever decides to...since you'll be divorced collecting that alimony and child-support? you're not going to figure him out and you know what...so what's in it for you?

 

There are some people who are "victims" because they had no choice, awareness or ability to defend themselves, others willingly walk into the fire knowing what they are doing and then complain after they get burned and even had put oil to the fire. I'm not even sure you are a victim at all, I wonder what you are like on a bad day...and you seem like someone to me who is aware and intelligent enough not to be the first victim, I question why you really chose to be with this man if this is your reaction at this point after 11 years, and this is what you are choosing to complain about and how you're reacting to the situation.

[bananatree]

This situation is a little too black and white, actually....a lot.

 

You already sound like you have one foot out the door and I seriously doubt any of the behavior mentioned here is anything new for you, so coming here and posting about this....furthermore corralling the PETA group for those easy votes with the sad stories about the dogs being treated poorly like that's the big problem, when you've obviously got other issues in the relationship and since you've been dealing with him for years by now, not only have you been aware of his attitude and treatment but are perfectly familiar with his patterns and behavior, so why are you sitting here talking like you just met the guy? For you, this is really nothing new or any different, so what was good enough yesterday that wasn't good enough for today? and unless things get to a point of emotional detachment...I don't see women walk away from men they are in-love with and marriages they are trying to save, even when they should.

 

So it sounds extremely far-fetched that you're just suddenly drawing the line now for...just because you're tired of it now and his anger issues and the way he treats the dogs, that might sound like an open and shut case in theory but it's never that simple for the majority of planet earth in practice...so it sounds like you're doing this for some other more substantial reason, so what we're you waiting for? waiting for the kids to get to a certain age first? waiting for the right moment? because this all sounds premeditated, rather than a heart-felt and genuine struggle and doubt, you look like you're just looking for ways to decrease your own accountability for the last 11 years or more, and place the blame and responsibility on his shoulders.

 

Furthermore a person who was truly a dog lover would not just sit there and tolerate any kind of abuse with the animals, they just wouldn't allow it...it would be like attacking their child, those are the animal lovers I know at least, you would have been in really hot water the first time around to say the very very least.

 

This just doesn't "feel" or sound "right"...I even read your comments over to just make sure I wasn't the jumping to gun, but something seems very off here, it's like ok...what are you trying to accomplish at this point?...I think you've got your own agenda and you're talking like you just met the guy or you didn't or couldn't have known better, but this is 11 years, you've had plenty of time to read the writing on the wall and I'm sure you have, so what made it worth putting with him in order to get?...you knew what was going on, you knew how he was, you're just complaining right now about him and his bad ways which is easy to do on online forum, but I strongly question your motives, because they might be pretty self-fulfilling and manipulative but through a very victimized posture and demeanor...like you're just trying to just "figure him out"...yeah, you're trying to "fix" to him now? how about you focus on yourself and let him get around to fixing himself if he ever decides to...since you'll be divorced collecting that alimony and child-support? you're not going to figure him out and you know what...so what's in it for you?

 

There are some people who are "victims" because they had no choice, awareness or ability to defend themselves, others willingly walk into the fire knowing what they are doing and then complain after they get burned and even had put oil to the fire. I'm not even sure you are a victim at all, I wonder what you are like on a bad day...and you seem like someone to me who is aware and intelligent enough not to be the first victim, I question why you really chose to be with this man if this is your reaction at this point after 11 years, and this is what you are choosing to complain about and how you're reacting to the situation.

 

my own agenda... like what?

[bananatree]

Small update... First appointment with the mediator next week. Looks like this is going to happen. My husband seems to be on board, which is great... that's never happened before.

 

I filed for divorce with a lawyer a couple years ago. But it didn't stick. I couldn't go through with it. I painted a picture of my husband on this post as a total monster-- and he can be!-- but he has great qualities as well. I will miss him tremendously (in many ways).

 

I know divorce is the right thing to do. I can't live like this anymore. Neither can the kids (and the dogs!). He's not happy either.

 

I know it will be hard, but I'm hopeful that we can all work out a way to live peacefully apart.

[bananatree]

I've gotten a lot of great support (and some stuff that wasn't supportive...)

 

It seems this thread has gotten a bit out of hand (IMO) and doesn't need to continue. I'll be posting on the separation and divorce forum from now on. Thanks everyone!

[jbelle6]

Just wanted to comment.

 

To Ninja whatever. You realize she was given these dogs while having one baby and another on the way. Do you think it's easy to just go with no income or no way to work?

 

These abusers have a strange way of making you feel that you are nuts. I have been with someone very similar, the type that could say things to me under his breath and behind closed doors till I flip and look nuts. Only when it got physical did I have proof, no one believed me before, half the time I didn't believe me.

 

Now she's been in a situation where what is she to do? She has to save up to leave, bide her time. I'm sure it's great if someone could find a place for the dog but I had a cat with the EXACT same problem with kidney stone surgeries and it's constant uti and peeing all over forever pretty much. If she brought it to a shelter, it would die, no one is going to take him in while she settles this. It's not easy to find foster care for an old incontinent dog.

 

 

 

OP I get you, with mine it was laundry, folding the corners perfect, if a sock was lost it was hell to pay and how stupid i was that i could not even do that right. Or even with dress socks matching them right when they are all blue. No one gets it until you live it.

 

 

I am looking forward to your next thread, I started to read it then saw you mention this so thought I'd start at the beginning.