Wife cheated 2 months into our marriage...

[dsancious]

I married for the second time in June of 2003. I am 46 and my wife is 37. She has a 4 year old son with a man that has little to do with the boy. He is an alcoholic and there is very little contact between them. My wife told me while we were dating that she had no feelings left for her ex. and I believed her.

 

We married and moved two hours away from her ex. and all of her family. Almost from the start my wife began calling her ex. on a fairly regular basis, especially after we had fights/disagreements. Needless to say, I became suspicious and asked her what was up. She denied anything was going on and stated that she was just bored (she wasn't working then) and was talking about their son. I started becoming resentful and even more suspicious as the calls kept mounting (I kept tabs on the cell phone bills).

 

Two months after we married, she went to her Mom's for the weekend and when she came back, I saw where she had called her ex. at two in the morning. There was also a call to a male "friend" about the same time. Neither of these calls was over 2 minutes. I confronted her over these calls and she ended up going back to her Mom's for about 10 days.

 

We eventually worked things out and she stopped calling her ex. so often. However, from November-January, the calls started getting heavy again. Finally, I told her that she needed to cease contact with her ex. unless it was child-related. She agreed to do so and has kept her word(as far as I know).

 

I have always suspected that she had slept with her ex. and it had been eating at me for the past year and a half. This past Sunday night, right after the Super Bowl, she finally admitted to me that she did sleep with him two months into our marriage while she was staying at her Mom's. I had been preparing myself for this revelation but the shock, anger, and hurt were still overwhelming. The images of my wife sucking his d*ck and having his d*ck inside her haunt me every waking moment. She says it was just this one time but I have my strong doubts.

 

My first impulse was to divorce her and forget about her. What kind of woman would have an affair 2 months into a marriage? The problem is this; she is truly remorseful and is willing to do anything to save our marriage. I am 100% certain that their affair is over and that she loves me with all her heart now. And even though I hate her right now and don't know if I want to stay married to her, I really do love her.

 

I guess my question is "Is this a deal-breaker or can a marriage survive an affair so early in this stage?

[reservoirdog1]

God damn... my TBXWW started f*cking another guy about 2 months into the marriage. She'd also cheated during the engagement. She did it a third time a couple of years into the marriage.

 

The difference, buddy, is that I didn't know about any of it until we'd been married for 7 years.

 

There are two things you can do. One is to take this as an opportunity to fix things -- some couples manage to build strong marriages even after one of them cheats.

 

Personally, however, I don't know if I could do that. I can't fathom what would go through somebody's head that would convince them that it was OK to forsake the vows they'd sworn only WEEKS earlier.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think that you should get out. If she has so little respect for her vows now -- mere weeks after swearing them -- why should that respect get stronger with the passage of time? I suspect that if you don't, you'll be back here in a few months or years telling of more cheating.

 

The woman has major issues. The question is whether or not you want them to be your issues too.

 

Good luck, brother...

[jmargel]

It all depends on the couple. What she did was extremely wrong and your feelings of hate and resentment are justified even though you still love her. I would HIGHLY suggest going to a marriage counselor, the both of you. You will probably feel the 5 stages of grief which I find common among people who were cheated on. Do a search on google.com for that.

 

These 5 stages will come and go and often come about by 'triggers' such as her mentioning his name, him trying to contact her, even a movie about infedility that you watch. More than one stage can happen at a time and they can not necessarily go in order:

 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

 

 

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

 

 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

 

 

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

 

 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

Even though she is alive, alot about her is dead. Trust is gone which is a major component to any relationship. Personally I would never be able to trust her 100% again. It'll always be in the back of my mind, however as the years go by that worrying will disipate. Her excuses of 'being bored' is a red flag and not much comfort to you as why she did this. She going to do this again if she gets bored 6 months from now? Lame excuse if you ask me, it borders more on immaturity at this point, even though she is 37.

 

Why did her last marriage fail? Was it becuase of infeldity? I would not make this easy on her, it's time for an ultamatium, which personally I would include the counselor.

 

I don't understand how people think grass is always greener on the other side. They think that until they step over the fence and have to eat the sh*t that goes along with it. She does not have her priorities straight right now and this counseling may help her greatly along with helping you. They won't make decisions for you, but approach the situation at a different angle so that you two might be able to better communicate about.

[dsancious]

Thanks for the input Dog and JMAR. I don't know what to think or do. I just found out 4 days ago although, as I mentioned, I had my suspicions for the past year and a half. My first reaction was to leave the house and drive. When I came back, I let her have it with "How can a woman f*ck another man 2 months after she's married?" I told her that I had serious questions about her character (imagine that) and didn't know if I could stay married to a woman like that. She told me that it was just one time but I suspect there may have been more, although I am fairly certain nothing has happened in the past year.

 

As for her previous marriage, she stated that they split up because of his drinking. She denies ever cheating on him but admits to being a "bitch", (her words). She states that she learned a lot from that relationship and actually treats me quite well, except the affair.

 

I have decided not to rush into a divorce but have informed her that the odds are high that I won't be able to stay married to her. She states that she is willing to do anything necessary to help us get through this, including counseling. She even went to a counselor by herself yesterday as I am not yet ready to go myself. I have been ready posts on this site for several months and looks like most people here give good advice/opinions. I just want to make sure this marriage is salvable.

[Cecelius]

Honestly, I'd measure up the time span of your marriage (20 months if I count right), and the amount of time after which she stopped apparently bl-wing this guy (something like 18 months)?

 

So what's the problem - looks like she's kept her mouth off of him for 3/5s of the marriage. What more do you want?

 

But seriously, I would get out. The marriage is not that old, there's a child that you're going to end up having to care for, etc. Forgiving a woman for cheating when she's in college or of an age to claim immaturity is one thing, this is a middle aged woman with a child.

 

You cannot make a ho into a housewife

[KANSAN]

Many people these days don't take their wedding vows seriously. That early in the marriage f***ing around WOW! I would bounce. Do you really think that she's remorsfull some can turn that on and off.

If you stay be prepared for more craziness.

She does'nt sound like she knows what she wants yet and married anyway.

[dsancious]

I found out last Tuesday night that my wife was having sex with her ex. in Nov. and Dec. of 2003. We were going home from Dallas and she felt the need to come clean with me. I had already started dealing with her previous admission of her screwing her ex. 2 months into our marriage.

 

Needless to say, I was not a very happy person. I took off my wedding ring and tossed it out the window. I called her every name in the book. I called her ex. and told him "you can have the bitch." She quit her job yesterday and went back to her Mom's. She keeps calling me and wants to work things out, but I have informed her repeatedly that I can't be married to her any longer.

 

Our marriage has been a joke since the very beginning. I deserve better from a wife and will not stand for such disrespect.

 

Just needed to vent a little bit.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am very sorry what you have been going through. You are making the correct decision. Your wife's actions have not only put your health at great risk but clearly has made your marriage a farce. It seems pretty obvious she never had any intention of being fully committed to your marriage when she married you.

 

How horrible for you to find out such a thing. She continued to have sex with her ex and continued to have lied to you about it. I don't see how you could ever feel pride in having her as a wife the way she humiliated and disrespect you and your marriage in such a way. I would say she has a broken moral compass but it sounds like she never had one to break in the first place. I wish you luck in moving on with your life.

[dsancious]

I know that you are right, Bryanp. She keeps calling me wanting to get back together and I keep telling her that I do not want to get back with her. I think I need to go no contact for awhile. What do you think?

 

I just can't believe that I would ever fall for such a woman in the first place. I know that there is someone out there that will treat me with respect and honor her marriage vows. I think you are correct about her moral compass, too.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I just want you to know that in the past something very similar happened to me.

I knew that I would never feel the same again toward my ex-wife. What really bothered me was that apparently it was so easy for her to cheat and lie to me.

I was such a trusting person and felt like such a fool. It sounds like your wife does not wish to lose her lifestyle. I nevertheless have to give her credit in the fact that at least she was honest with you but telling you the truth eventually.

It took me years after my divorce but I did find someone I love very much. I dated her for 4 years and finally got married last year. I am happy and feel very proud that she is my wife. I know that I never would have felt pride toward her or felt respect toward myself if I had stayed with my ex. In your situation, your wife almost immediately continued to have sex with her ex right after marrying you. This was so over the top and unfair toward you that it is beyond comprehension.

I would be very fearful to ever trust a person that could have done such a thing during your honeymoon period. There are people you will meet in the future that will make you happy and make you the number one priority in your life. You don't need to be a safety net and the doorprize to your cheating wife. You deserve better!

[dsancious]

Thank you VERY much, Bryanp. The hardest part for me is trying to understand how someone could cheat and lie to me with such ease. I think she carries quite a few antisocial personality traits and I work with criminals all the time, and I still didn't see this coming. I just have to remember that she is a liar, a cheat, and the type of woman that I am not proud to be married to.