Yes I Know

[digger]

I know I keep hanging on. I know it..atom knows it..so does yikes and pocky. Its bad..but without hope what is there? We all hope for wars to end. We hope for cancer cures. We hope for the love of our lives to come back. How could they have possibly done to us what we would have never done to them? How????

 

Worse than the lingering hope is the confusion. Why? What did I do? Oh I know what i did...but i always tried to be a good H. I looked out for her. She told me herself..."you made me grow up".

 

My chronological timeline:

 

Oct 15 2003--our dog disappears--we cry in each others arms, holding tight.

 

Oct 29 2003--my birthday card she writes :i wish i could whisk you to a tropical island. Maybe next year. You get better with age. Stay with me forever.

 

Dec 10 or so 2003--her words "you know i really respect you for all you do for us".

 

Dec 20 2003--"i know you dont know what i got you for xmas, but youre gonna love it (kiss)

 

Dec 30 2003--i go out for a few beers after work. Shes worried..calls police to check if im hurt at work. My Mistake--I dont call her to tell her i'll be late...Come home, clothes laying all over the yard.

 

Early Jan 2004--Although chilly, were forgetting the night of Dec 30.

 

Jan 20 2004--we refinance the house--were excited at saving $200 a month.

 

MidFeb 2004---Faced with heavy job pressure, she lays her head on my shoulder and says "i wish the old 'digger' were back.

The guy that was happy when he used to do what he loved".

 

Feb 20 2004--argument. Still not over the clothes incident really, we speak each others minds. Im sorry--forgive me. How could you..kind of argument.

 

March 1 2004--divorce papers.

March 1 2004--Hate.

 

March 5--left house to go spend wkend with daughter in a hotel--to getaway.

Says will think about my promises.

 

March-july i beg, plead, promise.

 

March-July--her scathing letters. You did this--you did that (10 years ago!!) I dont love you anymore. Then. i love you like a brother. And "if it was meant to be, theyll come back" she says.

 

July 2004--meeting at lawyers. Call her outside to talk. Only thing i remember hearing is "im gonna find someone who'll treat me like a queen".

 

Sept 2004 Divorce final. In office--she looks very unhappy--almost like she'll cry.

 

Sept 2004-Feb 2005--Not a word spoken.

 

Can it really happen that fast? I guess so. How long does the anger last? Do they ever get over it? Does it fade with time? What can i do to help it along?

Gifts? Smiles? Ask her out, get shot down?

Or do i do nothing? But hope.

[Lil Honey]

Digger:

 

I'm sorry that you are still hurting. I don't understand the speed at which your situation happened as you outlined it.

 

I don't want to be cruel, but I also think it's only right to be realistic. I don't think there IS hope.

 

She said that she loves you "like a brother" and there has been no contact for several months. I think that she detached emotionally long before she filed for the divorce. I think - or hope - that "falling out of love" with someone is a gradual process. Unless the spouse has done something extremely cold or cruel, I don't think a caring partner is just going to shut down.

 

I also think that if she has brought up things from 10 years ago, that things started back then and just kept compounding. They don't have to be big things. They have just been there. The whole problem is, she was responsible for communicating to you what hurt her feeling or what made her angry. It was then your responsibility to listen. However, one can't listen if there is no talking - it's a two-way street.

[Groovy]

Digger, I am not the best one to give advice because I have never been married. But I just wanted to suggest a counselor and noticed no responses on your post to offer advice. I don't need to be divorced to know that will help the anger and confusion. Best of luck to you.

[Yikes]

Digger my man,

 

These trips down memory lane at this particular point in time are KILLER. You don't actually LIKE feeling bad do you?

 

Listen to Lil Honey, she said it best.

 

"I don't want to be cruel, but I also think it's only right to be realistic. I don't think there IS hope."

[digger]

New Development: i got a call today from my brokers secretary Bev. The kindest seetest most accomodating person there is. My EW called her about getting the money turned over to her--something shes let slide for 7 months. Bev said " digger' youre better off without her". Why? The 2 had never spoken b4--and Bev had no high opinion of her....laid into Bev the second she picked up the phone. And i might add: totally out of the EW character--after all she was voted 'little miss friendliest" at her work. No somethings definitely wrong.

 

Makes me start to think in terms like this: If i had survived the WTC disaster--would I want to go to work in the new one thinking it might happen again?

[Yikes]

I'm guessing ..... No?

[Devildog]

digger, I can't give you the answers as far as what went wrong with your marriage. It sounds like she totally over reacted to an oversight on your part. I assume you are giving us all the details, there is no point in hiding anything on an anonymous board.

 

I could give you a bunch of maybes as to why she might have reacted the way she did.

 

But I think the root is, like many of us guys here have learned the hard way, you found a woman who just isn't emotionally mature. She doesn't have your strength. A friend of mine explained it to me. Basically, even with you helping her, she was still miles behind you emotionally and in maturity. She just couldn't take being the much weaker partner in the relationship.

[Lil Honey]

The womens' version :

 

 

Originally posted by Devildog

 

But I think the root is, like many of us women here have learned the hard way, you found a man who just isn't emotionally mature. He doesn't have your strength. A friend of mine explained it to me. Basically, even with you helping him, he was still miles behind you emotionally and in maturity. He just couldn't take being the much weaker partner in the relationship.

 

 

Lil Honey

[Scott S]

Originally posted by digger

Gifts? Smiles? Ask her out, get shot down?

 

I suspect that's exactly what would happen. Shot down in flames.

 

I know you're having a lot of trouble letting go, but sooner or later you must. You cannot make someone love you, & it is painfully apparent that your XW has no desire to love you any longer, for reasons of her own. And it's not a question of liking it. Of course you don't. But you really don't have any choice.

 

Perhaps counseling would help equip you to deal with these feelings. You really should consider it. Based on my personal experiences, you can expect it to take several years for you to adjust to all this.

 

Unfortunate that your XW cannot be more civil, for the sake of your daughter, but it's good that you've apparently managed to work around that, anyway.

 

________________________________________________

Make something idiot-proof, and they will simply invent a better idiot.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Devildog

I went to Catholic School for 12 years.

Someone asked me "You went to Catholic School for 12 years, why aren't you Catholic?"

"Because I went to Catholic School for 12 years."

 

This is funny if you went to 12 years of Catholic School

 

So, were you taught "By Hand?" Or rather, by yardstick?

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Scott S

So, were you taught "By Hand?" Or rather, by yardstick?

 

Oh yeah, had my head slammed into a desk once or twice too. But then I really did deserve most of what I got. I was a smart@$$.

[MassiveAtom]

DIGGER

 

Buddy, you gotta pull yourself outta this. I can feel the pain you're in. I know you gotta feel all of it, but you gotta pull yourself out of it too eventually. IT will kill your soul and the longer you languish in it, the harder it is to come out of it.

 

Looks like you're imploding man. You're letting her take your life. Why? Do you like the pain? I finally woke up after 8 years of this crap, are you going to wait 8 years to live YOUR life? Don't let ANYONE take your life if you can help it.

 

We want to help you, but you hafta find something in your life that'll get you past this woman, without whom you ARE better off.

 

What sorts of thing do you like to do?

 

Something your XW thought was uninteresting. What is that?

[Devildog]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Something your XW thought was uninteresting. What is that?

 

Something your XW told you was "stupid" to use the most likely terminology she used.

 

digger, you have to start doing these little things for you man. You need to start doing anything that makes you happy, that brings you enjoyment. It's these little things that add up and bring you to that epiphinacal moment. The moment where you rise above the pain and sadness that she left you in.

 

That moment is different for every guy. Some take longer to reach it. It isn't the same thing that wakes them up. We can't tell you what it is that will trigger your awakening. But you will know it when it happens to you.

 

But you have to get yourself to that moment. It isn't going to come to you. You need to start taking steps to reach that point.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Devildog

Something your XW told you was "stupid" to use the most likely terminology she used.

But you have to get yourself to that moment. It isn't going to come to you. You need to start taking steps to reach that point.

 

CannageddaAYYMEN!! PREACH! Dd!

[Devildog]

digger, I want to share with you the importance of getting out and doing those things your XW considered stupid. Not just for your own enjoyment. That is a part of it.

 

But also for this reason. For the last however many years of your life, everything you have done, everything you had, the shows you watched, even the condiments you put on your sandwich, were things you did with your wife as part of your life. Because of this, everything that you do, every little thing right down to squeezing toothpaste onto your toothbrush can remind you of her and your marriage. Every little thing can hold a painful memory.

 

So you have to find something new. You can't change every routine and every aspect of your life. But there are little things you can change so the memories are less likely to intrude. And if it is something you have wanted to do, but couldn't or didn't because of your XW's disapproval, all the better. You are creating pleasant, non-married life related memories.

 

Meet new people, make new friends. Or re-connect with old friends you lost touch with during your marriage. These small changes are the building blocks, the first little baby steps towards your resurrection and recovery. It wasn't easy taking your first steps as an infant, these are not any easier. But to become a fully functioning, whole person again, you have to do this.

 

I sent you a PM too digger.

[MassiveAtom]

Digger,

 

Hope is an odd thing.

 

Here I am, it's 1:30am on a sunday, I spent the whole night at home, and you know what? I miss my ex-wife.

 

Yeah, I do. How could she leave me? After all I've done for her? It totally sucks!!

 

So yeah, I guess I've slipped up. I know people are reading this thing, and rooting for me, but here I am telling you I've tripped and fallen flat on my face.

 

I know I was supposed to set boundaries, I know I wasn't supposed to look at her profile on MAtch.com. I KNOW!!! But I did, and now here it is again after only a couple of days of telling myself that It's over and being okay with that.

I'm right there with you digger. THIS SUCCKKKSSSSS!!!

 

You know being here again it seems easier to just stay sad. I don't have to do all that personal growth, don't have to endure all the pain. It's so much more, in a way, comfortable to shield myself from ANY future hurt, behind the safety of my "Sad Armor"

 

G*(Dammit! I gotta break this cycle somehow! But how!

[Yikes]

MA,

 

This may sound overly simplistic, but this is what I did. I made two lists. One list was the times that she made me feel wonderful and loved. (a really short list) The other was all the things that she did that hurt me and pounded me into the ground.

 

Even though I am lonely, I do NOT want to put myself back in that position. I don't miss the woman that she turned into. How could I? I certainly did not enjoy the way that she made me feel. I did not enjoy watching her treat all the people that truly cared for her like they were nothing more than a pimple on her a$$. I would rather be lonely than go back to a life like that. I also hope that this list will help me not wind up with someone just like her. Remember there is a shape-shifting bee-atch out there that we all need to avoid.

 

I fondly think of happier times, because there were some very happy times. BUT those time are an awful long time ago.

 

I also got rid of every card, letter photo that I had kicking around that made me feel bad. I didn't throw any of it away, it is just away, out of the house. Some of the stuff is from the happier times, and I will be giving that stuff to my kids because it's all part of where they come from. I don't want them thinking that mom and dad always hated each other. There was a time when we were very much in love.

 

Of course "the" letter and all of that stuff is away as well. I'll decide at a later date what to do with those things. I still "may" let my kids see that stuff when they become adults if they really want to know the truth. I'll probably say very little, just let them read it all through and come to their own conclusions.

[MassiveAtom]

Guess I needed to sleep on it.

 

 

Digger,

 

I woke up this morning feeling like she was next me. IT gave me a chill. A sudden shock of horror, cause I had just woke from a dream in which my Dad, Brother, and a bunch of my friends were all years older and I was happy. AND there was an actual woman whom I felt WAS everything I wanted.

 

The extreme sense of relief that settled when I realized that I was, in reality, sprawled out over the entirety of my queen -sized bed, and didn't have to worry that I would be denigrated for sleeping in, or waking up slowly.

 

 

Yeah, I feel sad about something, but I think I mistook a general sadness for missing my ex.

 

 

Yikes,

 

GREAT idea, either way. I'm going to make that list right now!

[Devildog]

MA, I'm thinking seeing your little ones had a lot to do with your feelings. Doing the Dad thing again is going to make you feel some of the family stuff again, which of course will remind you of your XW. You can't drop out of your kids life. You are too good for that. It will just take some time to get accustomed to that. Build up an immunity or something.

 

I should be a quivering lump of mush right now after yesterday. My STBXW called before she brought my daughter over. And she was laughing and joking on the phone. And then she had the freudian slip again. She said I love you again and had no way to deny she said it to me. I sat there in silence. Not knowing what to say. She apologized for saying it, said she did and always will Love me. And then she changed the subject. She dropped of my daughter and stayed and talked for 45 minutes to an hour. And it was friendly, and pleasant. Her boss called her while she was there, apparently doing some employee of the month display at work. She couldn't explain to her boss what she was suggesting, so I told her how to explain it. She said to her boss "My husband said it like this".

 

So I should either be floating on cloud nine with hope again, or be mush right now.

 

But I'm not.

 

Why not?

 

Am I really The One?

 

Can I really stop the bullets?

 

Yes, I can.

 

I don't feel any different after talking to her than I did before.

 

It took alot of pain to get to this point. I really felt like I was dying. And then I picked myself up again. And I rose from the ashes. I was resurrected. And I am stronger than ever. I have my confidence back. People at work comment about my change in attitude.

 

Hang in there guys. The pain is tempering you. Making you harder and stronger and tougher.

[MassiveAtom]

It's finally starting to make sense. I heard this statement a LONG time ago. "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

 

Way to go! Dd.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

 

 

Or "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger". Just hang in there guys. It will get better. You just have to go through the darkness to see the light again.

[digger]

Words! Makes us stronger!! For what? The next time it happens?

[MassiveAtom]

Digger,

 

It makes us stronger for the next opportunity we have to find love. Stronger so that you can see the real thing. We've all had our hearts pulled out through our nostrils, lightly tenderized, salted and dumped into a cuisinart on mince. It *****s up every part of you, but you don't have to let it. And you don't have to let "her" take your life away from you. Mine almost did. But I took it back!

 

You realize that what happened is not a reflection of you in any way. But a reflection of her inability to love you as you deserve. Sure, you may have done some dumb sh|T but then again, you may have done NOTHING wrong. Rest assured that you aren't to blame for this. This was not your decision, it's not you. She can say she left because of you, but that's never true. It's about her.

 

Healing is different for everybody, and it seems that your wounds are so deep and wide that they take a little longer to heal. That's okay too, the slow heals make the best recoveries! It's a true testament to the stregnth of your character, that you can find it within yourself to love someone so deeply. So many people are out there looking for just that. I know it's hard. It is. But you're stronger than you think.

 

The invitation is still open. We all here with you buddy.

 

 

Your brother in arms,

 

 

MA

[Devildog]

I always think of those Dell commercials. The one with the guy calling at like 3:00 in the morning to see if tech support is really there. I never did anything that stupid. But my wife left me, and this guys wife just tosses the phone and goes back to sleep.

 

I saw so many examples of guys doing stuff that I never even came close to. And their wives didn't leave them. So why did mine?

 

I know it's just a TV commercial, but it illustrates my point. I wasn't the problem. I doubt you are either digger.