I don't know how to let ANYONE in, would counseling ?

[Just_Me_Again]

Hi all.. I haven't posted since 2010 I think. I was still reeling over my divorce situation. Well.. it took a few years for the dust to settle, and honestly, every time I think I might be able to stand up again, life throws me for another loop of some kind. I'm tired. I'm REALLY tired.

 

5 years later... I'm still having a huge problem trying to make friends. ANY friend. Male, female, younger, older, my age, any walk of life. I just don't know how to let anyone in. I am too broke to go join clubs or activities to meet people. I do not attend church and am not interested in joining one any time soon. I'm a home body. Don't get me wrong, we have fun and are content. We create things to do from whatever is around us, or play games, or play around outside.

 

I don't know how to trust anymore. Red flags pop up almost instinctively these days. I have kids at home, so they are my top priority with safety, protecting them physically, and well as emotionally. We don't need bad examples, bad habits, or drama in our lives, or someone to come in and make us believe in a future only to leave when something better or easier comes along for them.

 

I'm at a point in my life that I'm not out to please or impress anyone.. I just want to be comfortable and at peace.

 

How do you meet anyone to get to a point of making friends? I simply don't have ANY in "real life". Its just me and my kids. As much as I love them, I get lonely for an adult friend to talk to and share things with. As much as they love me and I try to do for them, they also need to be able to interact with other people, other kids.. We ALL need some friends. So how do I find them?

 

I have been considering counseling to deal with some things.. but I'm not sure if that's a good option.

 

Thoughts?

[carhill]

I don't see many humans per week so what I found to work over the 25 or so years I've been in the middle of nowhere was to regularly participate in interests I enjoy. That could be going cycling with the cycling club, going for a cruise in one of the old cars with a local car club or going to a car show and popping the hood open and talking with whoever stops by. Examples like that.

 

I've noted I am less social since my marriage, perhaps because I'm more content being alone. I have my social circle of friends whom I socialize with, most of whom pre-dated my marriage by a good number of years, and now approaching two decades.

 

As far as counseling goes, I think one can gain some awesome tools in there but the real work is in the mirror. MC certainly helped me in some ways but it's been simple effort to 'get out there' which has made the largest difference. If you're having trouble trusting IMO focus on other aspects of interaction which don't require trust and let it develop, or not, on its own. Give what you're prepared to give without expectation and gain satisfaction from that. Everything takes time and meaningful relationships are often hard-won.

 

Since you have children (I live alone with a cranky old male cat ), you have daily companions and quite a responsibility (kudos to you!); one avenue is making friends through interests you expose them to. A social circle starts somewhere. Good luck!

[Just_Me_Again]

Thank you so much for the wisdom and kind words. I have my days where I am glad I am single and don't have to worry about being anything for anyone. But then there are days I long to have a friend over for dinner or a board game, or just to sit on the porch and yap with.

 

The kids are interested in some activities over the summer.. maybe that would be a good starting point if I can manage to get them started in something

 

We've got 2 stir crazy sister cats!

[carhill]

Tip: Become a fearless invitation maker. It can be frustrating in the beginning but IME it can pay dividends over time. I started out small, with a couple friends and customers but, over time, parties grew to 30-40 people at a time and this was folks driving 20-30 miles to come. Since I was single at the time and had plenty of disposable income, I grew my social circle by inviting folks for a swim and some good BBQ and beers and let nature take its course. If people didn't show (happened!), I'd have food for a week or two!. Still, it was persistence which paid off.

 

My exW made a lot of friends, even though a distance away, through her passion for scrapbooking. I have no idea what went on but women would disappear into that room and I wouldn't see them for hours!

 

Anyway, you'll find ideas of your own. Big world, lots of people. You'll connect with some. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Like you said, rocking on the porch and talking. That works! I'd kill for a cool front porch to do that on!