Upsetdan Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi, this is my 1st ever post. I am 33, married for 2 yrs, have 3 children, 4/3/11months. We have always been a great team but things started to change at beginning if yr. my wife best mate split from father of her baby and spent loads of time at mine. She never liked me for some reason, she only has one friend, my wife, and she does not life my wife having other friends. As Wks went on my wife was spending more and more time with her and I was not seeing her at all. Then she asked me to go to our caravan for a few days to give her space. That was 11 Wks ago. I have cried, begged, pleaded, done the flowers, promises to win her back but she grown so hard and distant. I have I guess bombarded her with calls/texts, and that may have driven her further away buy only cause I am scared of losing her, and my family. I love her so much. Few Wks bk her best mate (also god mother to kids) brother asked my wife out and has promised her world (he is a loser) she says she flattered by this?! What man does this?? We currently on a pee booked holiday and she has confirmed marriage is over and she no longer loves me. I don't know what I am going to do with out her. I am so scared and upset. I am crying non stop. She letting me see kids. But I want her and my marriage to work. She has become so hard, just like her friend. Is there any advice on winning her bk? Or am I just fighting a fight I will never win? Some say avoid her and that will make her realise but I am scared she will think I no longer care. Thank you guys I will keep you all updated how it goes Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi, this is my 1st ever post. I am 33, married for 2 yrs, have 3 children, 4/3/11months. We have always been a great team but things started to change at beginning if yr. my wife best mate split from father of her baby and spent loads of time at mine. She never liked me for some reason, she only has one friend, my wife, and she does not life my wife having other friends. As Wks went on my wife was spending more and more time with her and I was not seeing her at all. Then she asked me to go to our caravan for a few days to give her space. That was 11 Wks ago. I have cried, begged, pleaded, done the flowers, promises to win her back but she grown so hard and distant. I have I guess bombarded her with calls/texts, and that may have driven her further away buy only cause I am scared of losing her, and my family. I love her so much. Few Wks bk her best mate (also god mother to kids) brother asked my wife out and has promised her world (he is a loser) she says she flattered by this?! What man does this?? We currently on a pee booked holiday and she has confirmed marriage is over and she no longer loves me. I don't know what I am going to do with out her. I am so scared and upset. I am crying non stop. She letting me see kids. But I want her and my marriage to work. She has become so hard, just like her friend. Is there any advice on winning her bk? Or am I just fighting a fight I will never win? Some say avoid her and that will make her realise but I am scared she will think I no longer care. Thank you guys I will keep you all updated how it goes Hello, Really sorry to hear about your issues and I feel your pain. Having gone through a marriage breakup last year. I know this is probably what you don't want to hear. But it sounds to me like your wife has been having an affair with your wives friends brother. Your wives friend seems like she is a toxic friend and is actively encouraging your wives affair and the fact that she seems to be encouraging a family break up seems to confirm that!. Has your wife ever told you why her friend doesn't like you?. Has there ever been any issues between you?. With regards to what some people say about avoiding her. They are partly right, but its going to be harder avoiding her as you have kids to think about. One thing I can say, stop with all the messages/calls and begging. She isn't interested and if anything your only end up pushing her further away and it will end up making you look weak to her. Its not an easy thing to hear, but if you do want her back. You have to let her go, its sounds strange. She told you to leave and the marriage is over. You have done nothing wrong and its all on her and this toxic friend at work. If she wants you back, all the heavy lifting is on her and she will have to bin this toxic friend. She'll have some explaining to do about her actions as well!. At the moment you have to work at improving yourself. Glad you found this site though. Wish I had in the beginning may of been in a different place now?. But there a lot of good people on this site who have been in this position and will offer you good advice. Let her discover the errors of the way herself, you cannot do this for her and if she is having an affair?. She wouldn't listen to you anyway. Her head is in the affair fog. For now you have to let the wife go, work on yourself and be there for your kids, your kids and yourself are the ones who count now. You haven't caused this, don't be punishing yourself for something you haven't caused. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi. Thank you so much for reply. Your words are very true and I know you speak sense. Half of me thinks she has had an affair the other does not cause I can't see when she would have fitted it in. But she voluntarily told me about his flirting etc. I see your from Colchester, I am currently staying on Mersea Island! What a small world. My whole life has come crushing down and to imagine her with another man is killing me. We on hol at mo and she talked to me that she no longer is "in" love with me but still loves me. But we can no longer live together and that I should move on. A stab to the heart!!! I just do not know how I am going to move on. I have no real mates left as we moved. I am just so lonely Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi. Thank you so much for reply. Your words are very true and I know you speak sense. Half of me thinks she has had an affair the other does not cause I can't see when she would have fitted it in. But she voluntarily told me about his flirting etc. I see your from Colchester, I am currently staying on Mersea Island! What a small world. My whole life has come crushing down and to imagine her with another man is killing me. We on hol at mo and she talked to me that she no longer is "in" love with me but still loves me. But we can no longer live together and that I should move on. A stab to the heart!!! I just do not know how I am going to move on. I have no real mates left as we moved. I am just so lonely Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi. Thank you so much for reply. Your words are very true and I know you speak sense. Half of me thinks she has had an affair the other does not cause I can't see when she would have fitted it in. But she voluntarily told me about his flirting etc. I see your from Colchester, I am currently staying on Mersea Island! What a small world. My whole life has come crushing down and to imagine her with another man is killing me. We on hol at mo and she talked to me that she no longer is "in" love with me but still loves me. But we can no longer live together and that I should move on. A stab to the heart!!! I just do not know how I am going to move on. I have no real mates left as we moved. I am just so lonely Well if she is having an affair, she probably wont admit it as she doesn't want to be seen as the bad person in all of this!. Know how you feel and more. I was with my soon to be ex wife for almost 8 years. We was married two years. Found out last September she had been seeing a 51 year old married man. Almost 20 years older then her. It tore my life to pieces. Everything she has said and done since then was a total pack of lies, she even claimed she needed counselling. Was all one big excuse. A year in to our marriage and she was looking outside of marriage. She broke two marriages and a family!. Doesn't even show any remorse over it. Just so lucky I didn't have kids with her. Took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin again and had some dark months. Time is a healer, everyone already probably told you that, but it is true. Now I look back and think, I should of got out years ago. You tend to think back over it all and realise where it wasn't right. Its easy to idealise something like marriage when its gone wrong and it wasn't your fault. The old I love you, but I am not in love with you line, I got that. Got to say it, but it definitely sounds like she is having an affair, you most likely don't want to hear that. If its anything like most affairs, her head is in the fog. She idealising the relationship with this other guy. Sadly nothing you can say will change her mind on this, only strengthens her resolve. Plus she has this toxic friend as well. Your wife admitting its just flirting and that I should move on, that's what my wife said, that and it was just a bit of fantasy talk and did not mean anything. Have a look on this link about the affair fog, explains it pretty well. What is an affair fog? Hardest thing apart from the betrayal and your probably in the same place. How cold and calculating a woman can be?. Still shocks me to think my wife threw everything away as though it was nothing, her home, her marriage that was still new, made a total arse of herself and said our relationship was mostly sh*t for her. Oh yes I know Mersea fairly well. Well the Brewery part anyway :-) Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Sounds like you may have already lost her. I would start preparing for the worst. Is the house owned by you? I think you need to start explaining you are not happy living in a Caravan. I've never known a woman who is impressed by a weak man. So stand up for yourself. Get her friend out. If it comes to it sell the house and go your seperate ways apart from the children. She has to realise what it will be like to lose you. If she is not responsive, she doesn't care enough to make it work, so stop pleading. All you'll do is lose your dignity. If she is responsive goto marriage guidance ASAP to see if you can sort it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 We only rent our house so no money stuff to be sorted other than weekly payments to kids We on hols at mo, she said 3 nights ago she no longer in love with me, that she don't want to live with me that we are done. The next morning I take wedding ring off, hers been off a month, she gets upset?!?! We talking to a couple here and they mention Vegas, I say I wanna go there, later she says I am talking about I not us?!?! I fear she will not try with our marriage as she will lose face with her mate. She has contacted council about housing, I don't know details. It seems she wants to let me go but won't totally Link to post Share on other sites
GarrusVakarian Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 We only rent our house so no money stuff to be sorted other than weekly payments to kids We on hols at mo, she said 3 nights ago she no longer in love with me, that she don't want to live with me that we are done. The next morning I take wedding ring off, hers been off a month, she gets upset?!?! We talking to a couple here and they mention Vegas, I say I wanna go there, later she says I am talking about I not us?!?! I fear she will not try with our marriage as she will lose face with her mate. She has contacted council about housing, I don't know details. It seems she wants to let me go but won't totally mmmm strange, well maybe you should make the decision for her!. If she is more worried about losing face with her friend is more important to her then her marriage and her kids. You say this toxic mate split up with her partner?. It seems a little like misery loves company. Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 You just have to be strong and fight for your kids and yourself. Your wife is in control of your life and the marriage. She want the marriage no more but still need the control. You are not setting good example for your kids. No woman respect a weak man. The toxic friend of your wife have already line up your replacement for your wife. If you can't seperate your wife from this toxic friend, then go for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 she no longer is "in" love with me but still loves me. Yeah, sorry to say but that is a classic cheater line. Google it, you won't find one example where it didn't turn out to mean cheating. Sorry mate 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 ... Half of me thinks she has had an affair the other does not cause I can't see when she would have fitted it in.... Nobody ever wants to believe it, but cheaters ALWAYS find time to cheat. Trip to the "store". Visiting friends. Visiting family. Friends (of theirs) will back up any stupid story to make it sound believable. Work functions. Happy hours. Book clubs. Mommy get togethers - PTA, charity. Church. The list is long, and sad. And excuses eat away at everything... Almost as bad as the cheating. I'm sorry you're hurting OP. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 Get your kids away from her, quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetdanswife Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) Ever heard the saying it makes it easier to put the blame onto someone else .... well! 'We have always made a great team" sure! We do nothing together as much as I have tried to include you. Whenever we have been involved in disputes your never on my 'team' Placing all the blame onto my friend who only months ago you were saying what a great friend she was and how much she does for me etc! We are close friends we are there for each other I was helping her through a hard time that's what friends are for! I did not ask you to go to the caravan ... You threatened to go when the kids were stressing you out one morning and I called your bluff! When he says he had bombarded me with calls and text all of which are acusssing me of all sorts and wanting the single life because my friend had recently split up with her boyfriend! As for her brother I was opening up to him and telling him how it made me feel to finally have some attention! Myself and Dan have been together 6 years and married for 2. Weeks after first meeting we went on holiday where he told me I should count myself lucky i was there it was between me and the other girls. When we got back from holiday I found out I was pregnant ... I have tried my hardest over the last 6 years to make this work with nothing in response ... I take my blame for pushing marriage etci just wanted a fairytale ending but it hasn't turned out that way ... There isn't love or passion in this marriage and I have tried for too long without getting anything back. His been sent to the caravan for a wake up call several times now but never learns! I'm not a cheat I just want me and my babies to be happy Some people should keep their opinions to themselves. Isn't this site about helping each other through hard times? It's depressing most of you are breaking each other down not building each other up! No one will ever take my children away from me! Nasty piece of work! No limit (how very fitting) Edited May 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
SpiritualAlchemy Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/478240-completely-devastated Mods: There's two threads of the same subject here, looks like they need to be merged. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Think you two need to get some MC, if your M is dead then at least you guys might be on a better level to communicate for the sake of your children. There are always two sides to a story, two of the main factors are lack of communication and ego... Not listening or seeing each other's valid views. There are ways of trying again or separating... Try to look at the bigger picture here 'your kids' ... Arguing on who does what is a waste of time Get help and communicate... Or it will get REAL silly n messy, just not worth it and it's upsetting... Try while to adjust while you are in this early stage Good luck SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I wish me and my ex had the opportunity to have done this in the very beginning...at least communication might have been better for my kids and you'd both have closure and self understanding SS x Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyjohn Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Well, after reading all the suggestions over here, I want to believe what they all are saying but then Upsetdan, you cannot be sure about anything till the time you don't have the proof. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) Some people should keep their opinions to themselves. Isn't this site about helping each other through hard times? It's depressing most of you are breaking each other down not building each other up! No one will ever take my children away from me! Nasty piece of work! No limit (how very fitting) Excuse me but I've actually been on the other side of things (as in my parents divorcing due to an affair of his; and he also wanted to 'keep me'). I'm just so, so glad I never had to see his sorry face again. And I couldn't care less whether people are in "the fog" or not; if you do have an affair, at the very least leave your kids out of it. 'Cause they won't enjoy your new men. Edited May 27, 2014 by No Limit Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/478240-completely-devastated Mods: There's two threads of the same subject here, looks like they need to be merged. Threads merged and moderation reminds members to focus on the topic. LoveShack isn't the colosseum where the bloodthirsty hoard gathers to quench their appetite for blood and death, rather a collaborative community existing to discuss relationships. We understand relationships have pain as well as happiness and this forum exists to assist people. Members choose how they interact and how they protect their anonymity. The announcement at the top of this forum can assist in such matters. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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