Broke up in the heat of the moment/out of anger... irreconcilable

[whatdreamsmaycome]

Everything was fine the day before... we were sweet to each other and very affectionate. And then I brought up something that was bothering me. Now he has always said that I shouldn't bottle it up when there is something wrong. So I told him, and he responded very sweetly, that I shouldn't feel that way, then he asked if I was upset. I was honest and told him no, that I wasn't upset but I felt a little like he was getting very comfortable, too fast. And he said he was sorry, that he didn't want me to feel that way, and wanted to talk about it more, and asked if he could take me to dinner. I thought that was very sweet.

 

He wanted to pick me up right then and there, but I needed time to get ready, I had just finished working out. He said that's fine... but I don't know what happened between the time he sent that text to the time he picked me up (about 1.5 hours later). When he got to my house, I greeted him with a big hug and a "hey baby!"... I noticed his hug was kinda cold, but I didn't think anything of it... thought maybe he was just tired from work. But when he got in the car, he slammed the door shut and looked like he was enraged. He immediately started attacking me saying, "do you know how it feels to be with someone that you don't know is going to be angry with you one minute and fine the next?" I was really in shock, I had no idea what he was talking about, it almost sounded like he was talking about himself, because his texts were so sweet and now he was angry.

 

And then he started looking through his text messages and started repeating my texts back to me but in a very angry tone in his voice (which is not the tone I sent them in - and I thought he knew that because his replies were sweet and I thought they were sincere)... I told him that this (the situation) was crazy because I thought that he understood and that we were going to be okay. If he was angry, I don't understand why he was still picking me up to take me to dinner... he should have cancelled. He then said, "you're the one that's crazy". At this point I told him he didn't have to personally attack me and I got out of his car and started walking back into my home.

 

That's when he jumped out of his car and screamed, "if you walk through that door, it's over for good." So I stood there and actually thought about it for a second because we had broken up before (due to some misunderstanding and conflict resolution differences) and I also didn't want to go through it again. So I said, "I don't want to go through this again, but you're personally attacking me, and I don't want to be attacked. If you want to talk about the issue, we can do that, but I don't want to be attacked.

 

Then he started walking towards me, but he still seemed really agitated. I wondered why he didn't just drive off? If he wanted to split up, he could've driven off and let me walk into my house. Well, as he walked towards me, I started walking towards him, but I stepped on a stone and almost fell. As I was regaining my balance I said, "could you help me out a little?" And I admit, my tone wasn't a really happy one because I was so confused, and now I almost twisted my ankle.... it just wasn't a really a good moment. And this set him off. He started screaming at the top of his lungs and cursing about my "tone", my attitude, and told me to stay the eff away from him. All the while, I start to see neighbors peek out their window at the scene that's occurring. So I quickly jump in his car so that we could talk in there instead of him making a scene in front of my neighbors. This was another bad idea, I guess because then he starts screaming at the top of his lungs, "Get the eff out of my car!" over and over again. At this point, I am SHOCKED. I have known this guy for a few years and have never heard him scream like that.

 

I was paralyzed, I didn't want to move in that moment, I was scared... and then he called the police. I could not believe everything that was happening, it felt surreal. Eventually, I gathered myself enough to get out of his car and walk to my car and I just drove... and drove... and drove... I went back home 4 hours later, sat on my bed... and that's when the anger settled in. He never called to apologize, he never called to see if I was okay after his tirade... and this made me mad. So I shot him a few emails telling him to stay away from me, and gave him a piece of my mind about causing a scene in my neighborhood (I will have lots of explaining to do when I see them).

 

We work together a few days/week and the first time I saw him, he was being loud and obnoxious. I just ignored it and went on with my business. The next time I saw him, he quieted down a bit, and even more so the following day. I saw him this morning and did my best to avoid him, but ended up catching him introducing himself to a girl. He may or may not have done this in front of me on purpose - he had tried to make me jealous during the previous breakup and it worked, I ended up texting him right away But this time, I knew that he would try that and I had some self-control and let it roll off my back. After that, he came up to me to drop off some papers. I just said, "thanks" without even looking at him.

 

I'm still kinda upset about the whole thing, but I've been fine, no crying or anything (surprisingly). But I do wonder what's going on in his head? Any advice on what, if anything, I should do. Or should I just continue this "silence" between us. Does he just need to cool down? Was he trying to "feel out the situation" by dropping off those papers? Any clues?

[giblesp]

Well, he was doing really well until he got to your house.

 

Thing is, to a mans eyes women tend to get angry one minute and calm the next. Probably because women have a monthly cycle men don't have.

 

When my partner gos off for apparently no reason, I generally just have to be like your BF was being over the phone. She sees that I can be strong while she's going through her doubts and worries and feels secure with me.

 

If I react and freak out, she will react and freak out more. And it sounds like there was an explosion between the two of you.

 

Of course, there are lines that shoudn't be crossed. If a girl started smacking me around the head or getting abusive for no apparent reason, I wouldn't tolerate it and that obviously works both ways.

 

But if you're just voicing doubts, there's no reason for him to go mental like that. If he reflects on the situation, when he got to your place you were completely calm and loving to him, as he had been calm and loving. You felt his strength and love through your doubts basically, and that helped you to come back to that secure place in yourself.

 

Unless you were swearing at him or had some sort of malicious intent, and from what you said it doesn't sound like it, then there was no reason for him to fly off the handle like that. That was weak of him and you need to consider that before going back to him.

 

Maybe he's crossed a line which for you is unacceptable. Calling the police on his girlfriend was pretty pathetic in my book, but that's just my opinion I don't know what has been happening in your relationship.

 

The best women are going to be very, very challenging sometimes. If a man can't take that challenge then he better be by himself for a while.

[lollipopspot]

Thing is, to a mans eyes women tend to get angry one minute and calm the next. Probably because women have a monthly cycle men don't have.

 

Oh, not true -

 

Again, there is the assumption that women are hormonal but men are moved more by logic. But the truth is men are as hormonally driven as women. In fact, men have a number of hormonal cycles:

 

1) Men's testosterone, for instance, varies and goes up and down four or five times an hour.

2) There are daily cycles with testosterone being higher in the morning and lower at night.

3) Men have a monthly hormonal cycle that is unique to each man, but men can actually track their moods and recognize they are related to hormonal changes through the month.

4) We know that there are seasonal cycles with testosterone higher in November and lower in April.

5) We know about hormonal cycles with males during adolescence, but also the years between 40 and 55 have what we call male menopause or andropause.

6) Finally, we know there are hormonal changes in men going through IMS, related to stress in a man's life.

Irritable Male Syndrome

[d0nnivain]

What a bunch of drama. OMG. If you already broke up once, I'd consider this break up permanent.

 

When he dropped off the papers he may have been trying to feel out the situation. It could be something as simple as you two have to work together & he was making sure your personal issues don't carry over into work. Neither of you can afford a scene like the one at your house in the office. Be thankful you can co-exist peaceful at work.

 

If you get back together this drama & all these screaming matches will continue because this the pattern you have developed. Next time you might not be able to keep it out of the office.