bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Ok am new here, don't know where to go because I am so confused. My wife of 8years recently told me that she lied about being a virgin before we got married. I come from a very religious background so she new my expectations and I new hers, I told her exactly who I was being a virgin my self..my wife was and is still beautiful so when she told me that she was a virgin and the reason she damaged her hyman is because of sports.. I trusted her, we where friends before we started dating so I thought she couldn't lie to me especially after she new me so well. She had to tell me the truth because one of her exes had put out a home movie of the two of them, why? Because the guy heard about how great our marriage was because I thought we where both our firsts so we had a solid foundation. Basically by the time she was 25 she had slept with 10 guys. What should I do people? Am so confused. My wife says those experiences helped her choose me because I was different. Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 If you're still happy with her and feel you'd genuinely be able to look past this I see no need to divorce. However, you all need to have a very serious talk. I'd be more readily able to forgive it had it just been the one ex but this is bordering on ridiculous. This lady had not one, not two but TEN partners (who knows what the actual number is) before you, and has a sextape floating around? Sorry but your wife was so far removed from being a virgin when you married it's absurd. The number is not the problem itself, it's the fact that she claimed to be a virgin. Jesus, talk about misrepresentation. You had certain expectations and she lied and lied and lied about conforming to them for years. That, to me, is pretty low. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 It's not uncommon for people to lie about something if they think they'll be judged, or otherwise suffer, for telling the truth. Virginity, whether they think about other women, what their favorite TV show is. People lie because they're afraid of the person they're lying to. Your wife shouldn't have lied to you. But something you need to understand is that the person she is, and has been for all these years, is the result of those earlier sex acts. If she had been a virgin, she might not have been as good a wife as she was. Those experiences helped make her into the woman you wanted to marry. Maybe those experiences helped her mature, and caused her to reject other men and seek out a man like yourself. Maybe she felt bad about herself afterwards, and has been less quick to judge others these last 8 years because of her awareness of her own shortcomings. Not being without sin, she may have spent the last few years unwilling to cast the first stone. Think about this: all that's wrong here, in terms of your experience, is that she lied. You thought she was a virgin, but you've actually spent the last 8 years happily married to someone who wasn't a virgin on her wedding night, and apparently everything was fine and you were happy. The thing to do here isn't to judge her for her sins, which isn't your job anyway. The thing to do here is to ask yourself whether you would have married her if you'd known the truth. If the answer is "no", doesn't that mean you would have denied yourself these last 8 years of happy marriage? Would that be worth it, in your view? I don't necessarily agree with your spiritual views, but let me try to frame this in a way that may make sense. It is understandable to be hurt and upset by it, but remember to ask yourself: 'If I sinned against God, then fessed up and asked forgiveness, what would He do?' I think we know the answer. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Her lying was a poor foundation for a marriage but you are now married. Forgiveness is part of Christian values. Talk to your minister but with a little help, I think you should be able to find your way through this assuming she's been faithful since you met. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Ok am new here, don't know where to go because I am so confused. My wife of 8years recently told me that she lied about being a virgin before we got married. I come from a very religious background so she new my expectations and I new hers, I told her exactly who I was being a virgin my self..my wife was and is still beautiful so when she told me that she was a virgin and the reason she damaged her hyman is because of sports.. I trusted her, we where friends before we started dating so I thought she couldn't lie to me especially after she new me so well. She had to tell me the truth because one of her exes had put out a home movie of the two of them, why? Because the guy heard about how great our marriage was because I thought we where both our firsts so we had a solid foundation. Basically by the time she was 25 she had slept with 10 guys. What should I do people? Am so confused. My wife says those experiences helped her choose me because I was different. How about this. Grow up. Ask yourself. Do you have a good marriage? Is she a good wife? Is she faithful? Does she treat you with dignity and respect? Do you get along with her? Is she there for you when things aren't going smooth for you? If you can answer all these questions then if I were you, I would go over to the infidelity section of this forum and read some of the stories there and after a page or two, you'll soon understand that life is pretty good. Give it a try and then come back. Look. What she did in her past before you met her is her business. yes she should have told you that she wasn't a virgin but for Christs sake put the branding iron down and get the thought out of your head pf burning a large A on her forehead. IMO were talking about a thin piece of skin here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 I find that very hard to believe that by sleeping around made her into the woman she is. So if I go about sleeping with 10 women it will make me a better husband or a human being? She basically decieved me into marrying her, so what a virgin woman would not have made a good wife or given me 8 great years? It should have been my choice. If I go and have a few affairs then repent tell my wife 8 years from now will that be okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 Its not just a thin skin, she emotionally and physically gave her self to orther men Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I find that very hard to believe that by sleeping around made her into the woman she is. So if I go about sleeping with 10 women it will make me a better husband or a human being? She basically decieved me into marrying her, so what a virgin woman would not have made a good wife or given me 8 great years? It should have been my choice. If I go and have a few affairs then repent tell my wife 8 years from now will that be okay. A pretty critical difference is that she was with these men before you. That's NOT morally equivalent to an affair in my book. What she did to YOU was not being with these other men, but lying about it. That's a legitimate concern. Divorce her if that's what you think the right course of action is, I'm merely trying to get you to think through the entire picture before you pull the trigger. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 How about this. Grow up. Ask yourself. Do you have a good marriage? Is she a good wife? Is she faithful? Does she treat you with dignity and respect? Do you get along with her? Is she there for you when things aren't going smooth for you? If you can answer all these questions then if I were you, I would go over to the infidelity section of this forum and read some of the stories there and after a page or two, you'll soon understand that life is pretty good. Give it a try and then come back. Look. What she did in her past before you met her is her business. yes she should have told you that she wasn't a virgin but for Christs sake put the branding iron down and get the thought out of your head pf burning a large A on her forehead. IMO were talking about a thin piece of skin here. I hardly consider OP being "thin skinned" in this matter. She lied about not just the number of partners she had, but about having any AT ALL. And then it's not even the mutual virginity aspect; it's all the lies and deceit that came with it. The pretending to be an inexperienced virgin over and over again. I mean,I'm one of the most morally bankrupt people I know but this is a bit much, even for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 But why did she lie? If that's what made her to be such a great woman why lie about? She should have let me choose. Infact if the guy didn't threaten her to expose the tape she wouldn't have told me, what else has she lied about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 A pretty critical difference is that she was with these men before you. That's NOT morally equivalent to an affair in my book. What she did to YOU was not being with these other men, but lying about it. That's a legitimate concern. Divorce her if that's what you think the right course of action is, I'm merely trying to get you to think through the entire picture before you pull the trigger. I agree with this. She didn't betray you. However, she did lie to you about something that was evidently very important to you. It's never been a requirement of mine that a woman I'd consider marrying be a virgin, but I'm not you. Different things are important to different people. I'm guessing you made it clear to her early on, and certainly before marriage, that this was very important to you? If so, then she knew this and lied to you. In that regard, in part at least, the relationship and marriage are founded on a lie. Now, the other side: she lied to you about something that a lot of people lie about. That doesn't make it right, of course, and there is a difference between her telling you that she'd never slept with anybody before you, and minimizing her past and saying she'd only slept with two people before you. The first is an outright lie, the second is a lie/minimization. But a lot of people, women especially, worry (and rightly so, in many cases) that they'll be judged negatively if their sexual history contains too much experience, whatever "too much" might be. Is that lie bad enough that you should end the marriage? Impossible to say. Only you can decide that. I would say base your course of action around the answers to the following: 1. Is she apologetic for having lied to you? 2. Does she avoid minimizing or telling you it's "not a big deal"? I.e. does she recognize that she lied about something that she knew was very important to you? 3. Is she a good partner in all other respects? Has she been otherwise honest and trustworthy? 4. Do you see this as something you can forgive and get past, if the answers to #1 and #2 above are satisfactory? I.e. do you think you'll be able to "let it go" and not hold it over her head forever? It's important to bear in mind that she made those decisions about her sex life before she knew you, and that she doesn't owe you an apology for the facts of her sexual past. She does not deserve to be taken to task for having slept with X people before you. The apology relates purely to her lying to you about it when she knew it was important to you. All the best -- I hope this works out for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 But why did she lie? If that's what made her to be such a great woman why lie about? She should have let me choose. Infact if the guy didn't threaten her to expose the tape she wouldn't have told me, what else has she lied about. Lies suck...and yes they make you question everything. That's a big thing to consider and her lie is a pretty big cowardly lie. Keep your eyes open. Why is this guy blackmailing her all of a sudden? If I could do a Spock one eyebrow raise it would be in my hairline right now. I agree that the past partners may not be such a big deal. The real problem is the dishonesty. I really hope this isn't just the tip of the iceberg. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Why is this guy blackmailing her all of a sudden? If I could do a Spock one eyebrow raise it would be in my hairline right now. A very good question, and one that deserves digging into. What kind of contact have they had during the marriage, for instance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 how great our marriage was because I thought we where both our firsts so we had a solid foundation. Okay, if I take this apart, you are saying that the basis of a successful, solid-foundation marriage of eight years is because you thought you were both virgins? NOTHING else is why you have a great marriage? Not because you might connect on spiritual, intellectual, or emotional levels? Not because you both want the same things in your future and there are many facets of your love? The only reason you have had eight years together is because you believe she had a hymen during your first time? I would like to believe there is a lot more to base a marriage on besides a single piece of flesh inside a woman's vagina... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 OP, since you've been married eight years, is this the first time you've become aware of this 'ex' in any way, shape or form? I'm asking because it seems odd that she'd 'confess' if this person is completely unknown to you, especially in light of ostensibly damaging evidence. To me, this indicates she may have a social life completely unknown to you, if this ex is unknown to you. As an example, before I got married, while my exW and I were dating, I met her second husband on a couple of occasions. I knew who he was, got impressions of him and approved of and encouraged their occasional communication regarding their shared pet who he kept after their D. I was aware of him and there weren't any secrets. To me it's not so much the virginity thing but rather the apparent long-term deception and an ostensibly hidden and concurrent social life. Perhaps you can clarify the latter part. I was a virgin until 35 due to choice and can appreciate the first part but you're in eight years now so that specific issue is water long under the bridge. IMO, work the deception part and focus on solutions to rebuilding your trust in an otherwise apparently good M. Will that take time and effort? Yes! If your spouse is unwilling to take the time or make the effort, rather expects you to just forget it, then you have a decision to make! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Your anger is perfectly understandable. She should not have lied but she lied because you never would have given her a second look if you thought she wasn't pure. That doesn't make it right for her to lie. I'm just explaining why she did it. She broke your trust & she will have to work to earn that back. If she is willing to do that, I think you owe it to your vows to let her try. But that means you have to come to terms with your anger & move past it. Having affairs now -- after you promised to be faithful is different then pre-marital sex. It might not be to you but it is to her & most people. You want to break your vows. She was a different person before she met you. The 10 guys she was with did have some role in shaping who she is. She may have had low self esteem. Perhaps noone taught her to value herself. She may not have had your religious background. She may have bought into modern culture which sexualizes everything. I don't know her. You do. But what I am saying is that upon meeting you she found something pure & good in the world. If Jesus could forgive Mary Magdelyn, surely you can try marriage counseling before throwing in the towel. Before you give up talk to your pastor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 I didn't marry her only because she said she was a virgin, they where orther qualities that attracted me to her. Its very unfair that I have to deal with her decietfulness, I mean a sex tape? I asked her why she didn't marry some one with the same background as hers and her answer was they never stayed long enough after they got they wanted her body. She keeps apologising but I don't know what to say. I can't cheat on her because it just not me. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I hardly consider OP being "thin skinned" in this matter. She lied about not just the number of partners she had, but about having any AT ALL. And then it's not even the mutual virginity aspect; it's all the lies and deceit that came with it. The pretending to be an inexperienced virgin over and over again. I mean,I'm one of the most morally bankrupt people I know but this is a bit much, even for me. I wasn't talking about that kind of thin skin if you know what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 they where orther qualities that attracted me to her. So now you have to decide if these are enough qualities to maintain and build a marriage. She keeps apologising but I don't know what to say. Don't make a rush decision - obviously. This is going to be a life-long decision and I would heartily recommend some therapy; but individual and together. Is there enough of the person you fell in love with to want to build a future with this person who has so many issues that she had to lie to a man she promised fidelity to... In the end, you may decide that divorce is the only option. But there is no way ou should rush into this type of decision immediately. Perhaps take some time alone and apart to reflect and pray. And seek some guidance from your spiritual advisor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 I think your right I might need to move out to clear my head. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 She lied and that would make the both of us wonder what else she lied about or would lie about. The true issue for me is that she didn't tell you, assuming she was aware, about the sex tape. You haven't mentioned whether you have children together, but if you do now or hope to them in the future ask her what she would do if her eleven or twelve year old son were to happen upon or be shown by a peer her sex tape. Judge her worthyness for the future as your wife and mother of your children by her response. I'm not saying she is not worth your love but you definately have been baited and switched as to what you were marrying. Good luck, Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I think your right I might need to move out to clear my head. That choice is yours but I think distance will make things worse in this instance. Get some marriage counseling from your pastor before changing addresses for more than say a weekend at your parents' house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bupe2 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 We have 2 kids together, its quite hopeless for me at the moment. I keep picturing my wife with orther men and it freaks me out. I keep wondering does she compair me with these orther guys Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 She doesn't compare you & even if she does you come out on top because she married you. For the kids' sake, talk to somebody about fixing this before you just give up. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) I find that very hard to believe that by sleeping around made her into the woman she is. So if I go about sleeping with 10 women it will make me a better husband or a human being? She basically decieved me into marrying her, so what a virgin woman would not have made a good wife or given me 8 great years? It should have been my choice. If I go and have a few affairs then repent tell my wife 8 years from now will that be okay. You are intelligent enough got know that you committing adultery would be different, right? Lemme ask this, since you're "religious"....have you ever READ Romans 3:23, and are YOU part of that all? Do you believe 2 Corinthians 5:17? Edited May 23, 2014 by janedoe67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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