should I divorce her??

[CarrieT]

I also think that moving out -- when you have children to consider -- a bad idea. Yes, you need space. A weekend away or so, perhaps... But fully moving out over this before talking to a counselor or minister? That is a bit drastic.

[jwi71]

I find that very hard to believe that by sleeping around made her into the woman she is. So if I go about sleeping with 10 women it will make me a better husband or a human being? She basically decieved me into marrying her, so what a virgin woman would not have made a good wife or given me 8 great years? It should have been my choice. If I go and have a few affairs then repent tell my wife 8 years from now will that be okay.

 

Not what was meant.

 

What was meant, I believe, was that every experience in her life - both good and bad - shaped her into the person she is NOW.

 

The question I pose to you is thus: the day before you KNEW, would you have wanted to divorce, move out and forsake your W and children?

 

Not likely.

 

This only became a possibility once you knew the truth.

 

And yet another question: did the WOMAN change or your did PERCEPTION change?

 

Provided the desire to leave your wife and children did NOT exist before you knew - yet exists NOW (and because of this lie) - then what changed was YOU (aka your perception of her) and NOT YOUR WIFE.

 

Think on it a bit.

 

No, I do NOT condone her lying. She should have been honest. A poor choice. But a logical one. Try, if you can, to put yourself in her shoes.

 

She loved you SO much - and she KNEW how you felt about virginity - she choose to lie - to marry you. To love you. To have children with you. To have, in your words, eight great years. I fairly certain she figured you'd NEVER know - so the risk seemed small - and lets face it, most hymen ARE broke in sports - maybe not most, but its common enough to not be questioned. Small risk of discovery, reward is YOU. I get it.

 

(and what a douche bag who had that tape - how spiteful and mean is that)

 

If I go and have a few affairs then repent tell my wife 8 years from now will that be okay

 

I guess your religion tolerates adultery but not lies. What religion is this? - have you asked for guidance from your spiritual leader? Does he or she condone this?

[jwi71]

We have 2 kids together, its quite hopeless for me at the moment. I keep picturing my wife with orther men and it freaks me out.

 

Don't get freaked out about it.

I would imagine some of the ladies here will tell you - it doesn't really matter.

 

 

I keep wondering does she compair me with these orther guys

 

Yes and no.

Look, I had a full bachelor-hood. I had fun. More than my fair share.

I cannot truly remember them all, their bodies, what we did, what was good - so on and so forth. My memories are fragments - do I compare my W to others - of course.

 

My compares me to her memories as well. No biggie.

 

Why isn't it a big deal - well, she married ME, not them. 'nough said.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I understand where you are coming from and its been a shocker. You need a breather to gather your thoughts yes, but before you go, is it worth throwing away all the good years you have and her being the good wife to you? She has given you her best when she married you. This ex bf of hers is trying to ruin your good marriage and the lives of everyone involved (your kids). She deceived you and continued to do so until this secret came out but I think she must love you that much to resort to that, she desperately wanted to marry you. It can't be undone and you now see her in a different light, but surely it is not the end to a good marriage? Please seek help, and find it in your heart to forgive, Jesus taught us that.

[bupe2]

Ill try and seek counciling, I hope I can get over this.

[janedoe67]

Ill try and seek counciling, I hope I can get over this.

 

If you can't, then yes, you should divorce. If the Only One who is sinless has for given her and does not hold a grudge, then her husband should not either.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I didn't marry her only because she said she was a virgin, they where orther qualities that attracted me to her. Its very unfair that I have to deal with her decietfulness, I mean a sex tape? I asked her why she didn't marry some one with the same background as hers and her answer was they never stayed long enough after they got they wanted her body. She keeps apologising but I don't know what to say. I can't cheat on her because it just not me.

 

Then for gosh sake just divorce her already. I understand you being pissed but you are taking it beyond being pissed. You are very judgmental. Not everyone who has had premarital sex is some horrible stained slut. Sometimes people do it because they are trying so hard to find someone to love them, and for many other reasons.

 

So what you gonna do?

[oldshirt]

Ill try and seek counciling, I hope I can get over this.

 

 

 

I think that is a very reasonable attitude to have and a reasonable course of action.

 

 

You have just cause to be upset and disillusioned. She did deliberately and with forethought lie to you about something that was very important to you.

 

 

I am going to assume you would not have even dated her knowing that she had screwed ten guys and was making sex tapes with them. I am also going to assume that you made it known that you valued virginity prior to marriage and that is why she lied and actively worked to deceive you and misrepresent yourself. In the legal and business world this is known as fraud and any contract entered into while in a state of deception and misrepresentation is null and void upon discovery of the deceit.

 

 

I do believe that the other posters that are basically saying, "get over it," are not seeing the whole picture here. They don't value virginity and there for do not understand the importance of it to some other people.

 

 

This is not a case of a gal screwing 10 guys and only admitting to 3 or 4, all women do that to one extent or another and is to be expected. This is a case of a person who holds virginity prior to marriage for religious and other reasons as very important and he was deliberately lied to and actively deceived for years.

 

 

You have just cause to be question the validity of your marriage and just cause to end it based on the fraud perpetrated by her.

 

 

However there are minor children, mortgage, car payments and almost a decade of feelings and home and family involved here. I think an attitude of "hoping" to recover and move forward in light of all of this is fair. I also think seeking counseling to deal with some of the issues and feelings and such are also advisable.

 

 

I don't know if all of that will be enough to reconcile your feelings and your beliefs though.

 

 

If you are able to look past her deception and her past and you are able to have a happy and healthy marriage and future with her, then that is great.

 

 

If you are unable to do that though and you are unable to get over your feelings of disgust and disappointment and are unable to move forward with a happy and healthy marriage, then you are within your right to divorce.

 

 

You are within your right to see this as fraud and a marriage under false pretenses. You are within your right to dissolve the marriage and move on with your life.

 

 

What you don't have the right to do though is to remain married and have her living under your roof and mistreating her or treating her with disrespect and contempt. You can't help what you feel inside but you don't have a right to treat her badly. If you can't get over your feelings of disgust and disappointment and can't bring yourself to treat her as your wife and mother of your children should be treated, then you are all probably better off to seek a fair and amicable divorce.

 

 

I am sorry this has happened to you.

[bupe2]

Yeah she did a bad thing, the thing that is getting to me is when she says I married you didn't I? Like I was so lucky to be choosen by her to have my kids and that its way before we met and that its in the past.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then for gosh sake just divorce her already. I understand you being pissed but you are taking it beyond being pissed. You are very judgmental. Not everyone who has had premarital sex is some horrible stained slut. Sometimes people do it because they are trying so hard to find someone to love them, and for many other reasons.

He hasn't said that. What he's said is he wanted the same choice his wife had - to marry the type of person he wanted. For instance, what if you found out after you were married that your spouse had 3 undisclosed previous divorces?

 

His confusion and dismay is understandable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[janedoe67]

Yeah she did a bad thing, the thing that is getting to me is when she says I married you didn't I? Like I was so lucky to be choosen by her to have my kids and that its way before we met and that its in the past.

 

Read what you just wrote.

 

I can completely understand you being upset. I found out some things after I married that would have made me rethink my decision too, and it hurts like crazy. I know.

 

But look at what you just chose to write about the mother of your children. If you cannot get past this, you owe it to you and to her to get a divorce. And please don't poison your children against the good woman who has been their mother.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, your situation absolutely sucks.

 

All the people saying "It's a bit of skin" are way off. Some experiences change you. Ten partners and making sex tapes change you. You had a right to know.

 

You were deceived. A sex tape FFS. Now she is sorry ... but mostly, sorry she got caught. The f*cking around happened before marriage ... the deceit happened all the way through. That's the kicker.

 

So what else would she do but not tell you about? Pretty much anything if it's convenient to her, it seems would be a working guess. Why would that not be a reasonable assumption?

 

Is this tape "out there" for your acquaintances to see? How exactly did she get to know? Has she had contact with any of her former BFs? How would you now know? Does anyone else, family/friends, know of this mismatch of histories? Presumably she told her friends not to ever mention her past BFs for that reason. More deceit, if so. How much of it has there been?

 

I feel for you, sold a bill of goods. She got what she wanted. You got ... what exactly. Hard to figure out. Includes lies though.

 

Leaving aside the (completely justified) anger for a moment. What kind of spouse has she been? Couldn't do enough for you? Or "princess"? Did/does she accord you respect in front of others and the kids?

 

If she has been not just OK but actually good, then consider giving her a second chance. I suggest you make demands on her, and see how contrite she actually is.

 

Sorry to mention it, but it is likely that if she "played the virgin" then she will have done plenty with other guys that she has not done for you. Suggest you do all of that and then some. You will have to overwrite those memories somehow if you are to stay.

Edited May 26, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Salted-Caramel]

I joined just to respond to this post. I don't believe in sex before marriage but my husband had slept with his exs before me. Would I have been hurt had he lied to me about it, YES. Would I be considering divorce as seriously as you are, NOPE. why? Because I love him for who he is now, not for who he was or what he did before I met him. I was once atheist, should I not be forgiven for that since I have found God? We all have a past, we have all sinned. Sure she should probably have told you but given the way you are reacting I can see why she hid it. She thought she would lose you and you are proving her right. You are judging her on her past not on who she is now. For someone you apparently love, you are showing a lot of condemnation and not very much love. You say she says she chose you, she is right she did, she chose a different lifestyle to be with you. As long as she hasn't and isn't cheating on you, quite frankly you need to get over it or let her go so she can find someone who can see past her previous mistakes.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Salted-Caramel. He is reacting to being deceived during his marriage, honeymoon onwards. Maybe they would have worked out something if she had been honest. She chose not to give him the option of basing his actions on truth. So he is not just judging on her past, but reconsidering the value of what she represented to him during their marriage. Fair, and necessary.

[janedoe67]

OP, your situation absolutely sucks.

 

All the people saying "It's a bit of skin" are way off. Some experiences change you. Ten partners and making sex tapes change you. You had a right to know.

 

You were deceived. A sex tape FFS. Now she is sorry ... but mostly, sorry she got caught. The f*cking around happened before marriage ... the deceit happened all the way through. That's the kicker.

 

So what else would she do but not tell you about? Pretty much anything if it's convenient to her, it seems would be a working guess. Why would that not be a reasonable assumption?

 

Is this tape "out there" for your acquaintances to see? How exactly did she get to know? Has she had contact with any of her former BFs? How would you now know? Does anyone else, family/friends, know of this mismatch of histories? Presumably she told her friends not to ever mention her past BFs for that reason. More deceit, if so. How much of it has there been?

 

I feel for you, sold a bill of goods. She got what she wanted. You got ... what exactly. Hard to figure out. Includes lies though.

 

Leaving aside the (completely justified) anger for a moment. What kind of spouse has she been? Couldn't do enough for you? Or "princess"? Did/does she accord you respect in front of others and the kids?

 

If she has been not just OK but actually good, then consider giving her a second chance. I suggest you make demands on her, and see how contrite she actually is.

 

Sorry to mention it, but it is likely that if she "played the virgin" then she will have done plenty with other guys that she has not done for you. Suggest you do all of that and then some. You will have to overwrite those memories somehow if you are to stay.

 

If you follow vengeful advice, OP, just to make you feel...manly? IDK...then you may as well divorce. She is your childrens' mother whatever else she used to be.

 

I suggest counseling.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

He hasn't said that. What he's said is he wanted the same choice his wife had - to marry the type of person he wanted. For instance, what if you found out after you were married that your spouse had 3 undisclosed previous divorces?

 

His confusion and dismay is understandable...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would be a little confused but I would not divorce over it.

 

I never said he had no right to be upset. Of course he does. But good lord, either piss or get off of the pot and stop acting like people who have had premarital sex are somehow "untouchables".

[bupe2]

Let me ask a question? Is it so bad that I remained a virgin? Or that one of the qualities I wanted in a woman is to be virgin. And I made that clear to her, you know one of the qualities she wanted in a man? HONESTY because almost all her exs used to lie to her.......isn't that ironic

[Mr. Lucky]

because almost all her exs used to lie to her

In what regard?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

I understand you're disappointed but you know you're not going to divorce her.

 

And, frankly, to be harping about your virginity after 8 years is a little suspicious.

[bupe2]

I understand you're disappointed but you know you're not going to divorce her.

 

And, frankly, to be harping about your virginity after 8 years is a little suspicious.

 

Suspicious about?

[oldshirt]

Let me ask a question? Is it so bad that I remained a virgin? Or that one of the qualities I wanted in a woman is to be virgin. And I made that clear to her, you know one of the qualities she wanted in a man? HONESTY because almost all her exs used to lie to her.......isn't that ironic

 

We all have our own set of values and we all have our own criteria of what we want in a partner. Your values are just as valid as anyone else's.

 

She knew what your values were and she intentionally deceived you and portrayed herself as something she clearly wasn't. This was fraud.

 

The issue here really isn't even virginity per se. If someone was a porn star and wanted to marry another porn star who was highly sexual and very experienced and unihibited, and someone who was a virgin deceived them into thinking they were a porn star and highly experienced and it turns out they were the opposite, it would be the same thing.

[oldshirt]

 

She knew what your values were and she intentionally deceived you and portrayed herself as something she clearly wasn't. This was fraud.

.

 

I'm not Catholic so I may be talking out my butt here, but if you are Catholic the church may even grant an annulment here due to this degree of deception.

[jwi71]

OK Op - go get D.

Have joint custody of your kids, hopefully you get 50-50 - its the current zeitgeist so it shouldn't be too hard.

 

And then what? Are you going to remarry? Will you demand your next wife be a virgin? Isn't that unfair to HER considering you are not one now? Or maybe her number has to be really small (2? 3?) - just curious as to how you would handle that - given the likelihood of a virgin bride at your age (I guess you are 30-40) is extremely small.

[Ninjainpajamas]

First off, don't let anyone else tell you what you need to set your values to...chances are their values are not the same and they can hardly relate to you and believe you are merely exaggerating, they look at YOU being the person with the problem for being so conservative and not accepting her past...rather than faulting her to greatly for deceiving you, because even though she's lied to you, that's all in the "past" now, which is a perfect scapegoat for many people looking to avoid being accountable for their history and they're just going to overlook that and look at the situation currently, the kids, the marriage and that is that...because for them they don't share the same views, so it's not that "big of a deal" to them.

 

Now it doesn't mean they don't got a point...she does have you by the balls now, she targeted a safe reliable man like you while all the other guys banged her and left you, and she held onto you man...she knew a good thing when she saw it, popped out the kids and started living the "dream" or as close to it as possible, you're the safe reliable guy, the foolish virgin who didn't know any better and she played you like a fiddle to get what she wanted.

 

Now...what can you do? your feelings and personal issues will be largely irrelevant to most outsiders although she's essentially built this marriage out of lies and deceits, foregoing and neglecting your personal feelings and values because she was scared you would have never given her a chance in the first place knowing what she's done and that they didn't match yours. Now you're screwed, because you can't go back and erase the past even if you wanted to, she's already got you...and everyone else will downplay how you feel, mark my words they will send you to therapy to get "help" all because you were deceived and it's essentially a way of people telling you that you are wrong and need help, and should basically get over it...accept her and your marriage for what it is "now", despite the fact that now may have never existed and you might have actually found someone to your stands...or maybe not.

 

Maybe you wouldn't be married with kids, maybe you'd have been married to a virgin and been completely unhappily married..maybe she wouldn't even have been able to have children, maybe you would be single and struggling in the dating section of the forum.

 

You're going to have to determine where your forgiveness lies and what you can live with, nobody but you has to lay their head next to the woman every night and look into her eyes every day. That's a question you can only answer, and right now you're world has essentially been turned upside down...I wouldn't make any decisions without thinking things out. You may need to take extra time away with her and talk this out, get your feelings out and search within to see what is there and what you really want to do, considering logic and your emotions...moving out is probably not the best idea considering you have children, but sleeping in separate rooms or getting a lot of personal space to think and asses things with some clarity may be in order.

 

At the end of the day, life is not the cookie-cutter picture perfect fantasy that everyone gets exactly what they want...but you've got to be able to make peace with it and live with your decision, you need to do what you need to for yourself at this point...she took away her voice in this the day she lied to you about all of this, so it's your decision alone, make sure you make the right one and whatever choice you do make, be completely committed to it.

 

As far as your insecurities about other men, that is a separate issue...your insecurities can be worked on separately, that is survivable if you do the work. Your trust with her however, will be permanently damaged, but can be repaired and restructured in time...if you have the heart and will for it.

[bupe2]

First off, don't let anyone else tell you what you need to set your values to...chances are their values are not the same and they can hardly relate to you and believe you are merely exaggerating, they look at YOU being the person with the problem for being so conservative and not accepting her past...rather than faulting her to greatly for deceiving you, because even though she's lied to you, that's all in the "past" now, which is a perfect scapegoat for many people looking to avoid being accountable for their history and they're just going to overlook that and look at the situation currently, the kids, the marriage and that is that...because for them they don't share the same views, so it's not that "big of a deal" to them.

 

Now it doesn't mean they don't got a point...she does have you by the balls now, she targeted a safe reliable man like you while all the other guys banged her and left you, and she held onto you man...she knew a good thing when she saw it, popped out the kids and started living the "dream" or as close to it as possible, you're the safe reliable guy, the foolish virgin who didn't know any better and she played you like a fiddle to get what she wanted.

 

Now...what can you do? your feelings and personal issues will be largely irrelevant to most outsiders although she's essentially built this marriage out of lies and deceits, foregoing and neglecting your personal feelings and values because she was scared you would have never given her a chance in the first place knowing what she's done and that they didn't match yours. Now you're screwed, because you can't go back and erase the past even if you wanted to, she's already got you...and everyone else will downplay how you feel, mark my words they will send you to therapy to get "help" all because you were deceived and it's essentially a way of people telling you that you are wrong and need help, and should basically get over it...accept her and your marriage for what it is "now", despite the fact that now may have never existed and you might have actually found someone to your stands...or maybe not.

 

Maybe you wouldn't be married with kids, maybe you'd have been married to a virgin and been completely unhappily married..maybe she wouldn't even have been able to have children, maybe you would be single and struggling in the dating section of the forum.

 

You're going to have to determine where your forgiveness lies and what you can live with, nobody but you has to lay their head next to the woman every night and look into her eyes every day. That's a question you can only answer, and right now you're world has essentially been turned upside down...I wouldn't make any decisions without thinking things out. You may need to take extra time away with her and talk this out, get your feelings out and search within to see what is there and what you really want to do, considering logic and your emotions...moving out is probably not the best idea considering you have children, but sleeping in separate rooms or getting a lot of personal space to think and asses things with some clarity may be in order.

 

At the end of the day, life is not the cookie-cutter picture perfect fantasy that everyone gets exactly what they want...but you've got to be able to make peace with it and live with your decision, you need to do what you need to for yourself at this point...she took away her voice in this the day she lied to you about all of this, so it's your decision alone, make sure you make the right one and whatever choice you do make, be completely committed to it.

 

As far as your insecurities about other men, that is a separate issue...your insecurities can be worked on separately, that is survivable if you do the work. Your trust with her however, will be permanently damaged, but can be repaired and restructured in time...if you have the heart and will for it.

Some one finally gets me and what am going through.