Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I have been with my husband for almost 15 years, married 10. We have always had our ups and downs. I have always tried to make his dreams come true. Lately I have been questioning our marriage. He has always had severe anxiety and been irritable. Never laid a hand on me BTW. Would never! I have never questioned cheating on my husband until a couple months ago when a new guy started at my work. He is very charming and has a serious addiction to me. He comes up to see me several times a day. He asked for a hug on time and literally took me in his arms and acted like he didn't want to let me go. My husband has never been very PDAish but I try to be. This guy is the total opposite of my husband. He tells me I am beautiful and tells me he can't stop thinking about me. I asked him if he was for real or if it was just for the chase. He said i am dead serious when I tell you I can't stop thinking about you. My husband has always been pretty selfish and taken my feels for granted and how good I am to him. When I say that I mean I do everything for him. He lost his job at the first of this year. Had back surgery a couple months ago but is doing really well. I come home from working all day and the house is a mess and he is in the garage playing with his cars. We never have sex even when I try I get turned down. I know he is stressed and not cheating on me. But this guy at work is making me want to throw him up against the wall and have crazy sex due to the built up tension we have created by harmless flirting. I have realized there are nice guys out that and that I may deserve better. I have not cheated and don't want to cheat on my husband. I am looking for any advice anyone can give! The worst part is i don't feel bad for flirting with this other guy and I should. Was my marriage over before this guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 It happen to me before, been married devorce, engaged and sepperated! Anything is possible its just human nature. Most importantly keep your self happy thats all I can say Wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 If you love your husband & want this to work, stay away from the guy at work & go to marriage counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 He won't go to counseling. I have tried so many times. He refuses. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know if I am in love with him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Most importantly keep your self happy thats all I can say That's NOT the most important thing. The most important thing is to live a life of dignity and honor, one that at the end you'll be able to look back on on say "I was true to myself and my personal code of who I wanted to be and how I wanted to treat others, and I gave it the best shot I could." Happiness is transitory and is dependent on YOU, not your husband or this other man. It's not their burden to make you happy nor their responsibility if you're unhappy. If you want to divorce, get a divorce, but I suggest to you that this other man is clouding your thinking and your thoughts about your husband and marriage. Put some distance between you and the OM, be straight with your husband about your problems with the marriage, give your best effort in resolving those problems, and if it doesn't work out, file. When the dust settles, be with this OM if that's what you still want, with your dignity and self-respect intact. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Tell him you love him but that you are struggling & you need him to go to counseling for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 I suggest to you that this other man is clouding your thinking and your thoughts about your husband and marriage. I agree with this. I have NEVER questioned cheating EVER! And the OM is not exactly a catch. Besides his sweetness and telling me what I need to hear his back story is pretty much a nightmare that I don't think I would like. It all stems from me not feeling like I am getting what I deserve. I have been unhappy many times before this just no OM to cloud. I want my husband to want me like this guy does. I want him to be so attracted to me that he can't keep his hands off me. I have lost weight recently and continue to try. I feel better about myself. the one person I want to make me happy doesn't seem to give me any attention at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 Tell him you love him but that you are struggling & you need him to go to counseling for you. I have told him this many times. That we argue all the time and he shuts down and tries to blame it all on me but feels like I am blaming it all on him. Very stubborn and said absolutly not to any couseling more than once. I have asked him to read self help books with me, do love language quizzes and he says he will think about it. And nothing ever comes of it. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 It all stems from me not feeling like I am getting what I deserve. I have been unhappy many times before this just no OM to cloud. I want my husband to want me like this guy does. I want him to be so attracted to me that he can't keep his hands off me. I have lost weight recently and continue to try. I feel better about myself. the one person I want to make me happy doesn't seem to give me any attention at all. I understand this. But what I had to do and what you need to do is clearly and unmistakably put it on the table in front of your spouse. I'm not a "save the marriage at all costs" guy by any stretch, but I do believe that the vows I took mean that I'm obligated to do everything I can reasonably do to resolve any issues. Your husband will either get on board or he won't, and your path will be clear either way. But the OM is a big danger to the process. You really need to cut that off fast and hard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I have told him this many times. That we argue all the time and he shuts down and tries to blame it all on me but feels like I am blaming it all on him. Very stubborn and said absolutly not to any couseling more than once. I have asked him to read self help books with me, do love language quizzes and he says he will think about it. And nothing ever comes of it. You need to be real clear on this: "if we don't resolve these issues, I'm going to divorce you." It may take that to get his attention. We can be pretty thick-headed at times. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Well, the man at work is a wakeup call. Before that, you were sleepwalking (as many do.) So now it becomes a moral dilemma (as it often does.) The MIQ (man in question) represents what is obviously missing from your married life. And perhaps, that always will be missing. I've known people who comeup against this - dismiss it, and remain committed to their partnership. But sometimes it leads to real bitterness. On the other hand, I've also known marriages where flings and affairs actually kept the marriage going (sort of damage-managed it into a mellow twilight) .....but that is rare, I think. I also recall one time when a friend of mine told me about how she challenged her husband - warned him, basically......that was his wakeup call - and he took things more seriously. The marriage survived. But things like this - are often why people do get divorced. The sad thing about all this - is that you don't love the man at work. You love your husband. But what is missing with that love, means that you're in a situation that dictates in order to be with the one you love, you have to forgo that part of yourself that requires physical validation. This is what many people do get counselling for. Does it always work? Sadly.....no. So what to do? The ball isn't only in your court. It is also in his. But if all this is reduced down to the question: to cheat or not to cheat.......... I think your own conscience will give you the right answer to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 He won't go to counseling. I have tried so many times. He refuses. I know he loves me and I love him. I just don't know if I am in love with him anymore. Since it's you that's changed - and your feelings - YOU should go to counseling. You will cheat eventually if you keep stoking that affair fire. Find out why you're flirting and how to change you. Or, if you consider cheating - divorce first. Proper order is key. If you don't have "in love" feelings for your H - what would it take for YOU to get those feelings back? Ya know, the AP will always look dreamy when it's not real life. You may need to get a new job to quit focusing so much of your attention on his flirting. And tell your H - he should know how tempted you are... And that things aren't working at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I'm pretty sure every other partner in a relationship feels it when things not going right, even before comming here to tell their story they already discuss with their significant other about what making the relationship fall appart. SO what else, can you advise. Stay and struggle, by keeping dignity and honoer, what happen to your "soul" in your body that is sreaming out for some love and attention? follow your heart and do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Welcome to LS I'll apply my version of LS's determiner of what appropriate and inappropriate marital conduct is in these situations. Here, you state: "He comes up to see me several times a day. He asked for a hug on time and literally took me in his arms and acted like he didn't want to let me go. My husband has never been very PDAish but I try to be. This guy is the total opposite of my husband. He tells me I am beautiful and tells me he can't stop thinking about me. I asked him if he was for real or if it was just for the chase. He said i am dead serious when I tell you I can't stop thinking about you. " If your spouse approves of this behavior by yourself and the other party, then no inappropriate behavior has occurred. If your spouse disapproves, and the behavior occurs in front of them, then it is inappropriate behavior. If your spouse disapproves, and the behavior is hidden from them, that defines, generally, what cheating is, as inappropriate behavior is being hidden from the person tasked with making the determination. As an example, I hug and kiss friend's wives and tell them I love them, in front of their husbands. I don't kiss the husbands . The behavior is appropriate because its performed in front of the decision maker and is approved of by him. However, if away from that person I was making sexual comments to their spouse or engaging them in ways which their spouse would disapprove of, we have ourselves a cheating situation. So, like our psychologist was so fond of saying (I was MM in MC with my spouse), you have a decision to make here. Up to you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 Well, the man at work is a wakeup call. Before that, you were sleepwalking (as many do.) This whole post is very good advice! I am not a cheater nor do I want to be. Getting another job is not an option because I will be here long after he is considering my job position. I do not want to give more info on this for privacy issues. I know in my heart it is just temptation. And that i need to work on getting back what H and I had more of. It was never like this with the OM. He is just different. I feel like I am the only one working on "us". I never thought about going to counseling myself alone. That is something to look in to. I agree on the order of divorce first. I want to be able to love with myself and be the good strong person I know I am. When the H is not even touching me at all it is just very hard to not want to head towards where I am getting attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I'm pretty sure every other partner in a relationship feels it when things not going right, even before comming here to tell their story they already discuss with their significant other about what making the relationship fall appart. SO what else, can you advise. Stay and struggle, by keeping dignity and honoer, what happen to your "soul" in your body that is sreaming out for some love and attention? follow your heart and do the right thing. You and I have a different definition of the "right thing". I'm always amazed when people who claim to suffer from a disconnect from their partner do the most alienating things possible... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 You and I have a different definition of the "right thing". I'm always amazed when people who claim to suffer from a disconnect from their partner do the most alienating things possible... Mr. Lucky I agree cheating is not right. I don't want to cheat. I just want my husband to love me the way a husband should. I feel like just because you are married you should never stop trying to get/keep each other. And he is not touching, flirting, nothing. That does not give me reason enough to cheat. It is just tempting and I wanted to know other people that don't know me on a personal level to buzz in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I agree cheating is not right. I don't want to cheat. I just want my husband to love me the way a husband should. I feel like just because you are married you should never stop trying to get/keep each other. And he is not touching, flirting, nothing. That does not give me reason enough to cheat. It is just tempting and I wanted to know other people that don't know me on a personal level to buzz in. Temptation happens to all of us at some point; it's what you do with that temptation that demonstrates character. It sounds to me like you'll do the right thing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 It really is up to you to tell your H when you need affection. How can he know when he doesn't know? It's not his nature to be affectionate. Train him. It will take time. Tell him how you're feeling, what your needs are. Looking for that affection from OM is just asking for an A to start. If you might feel uncomfortable telling your H - you are probably being inappropriate just by NOT shutting it down. Doing nothing is doing something. You are ALLOWING it to grow. Start taking charge and tell OM to stop. Tell him to get away and respect your personal space. Start distancing yourself so you don't feel a further "closeness" to your OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 It really is up to you to tell your H when you need affection. How can he know when he doesn't know? It's not his nature to be affectionate. Start distancing yourself so you don't feel a further "closeness" to your OM. I have told him I need to feel more wanted and I need him to be more affectionate. He says he will try. Also, I don't like the "your OM". Kinda gave me a crappy feeling in a good way. LOL I don't like the sound of that. I just want to concentrate on the H. You all have been so helpful. You have no idea. Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) I have told him this many times. That we argue all the time and he shuts down and tries to blame it all on me but feels like I am blaming it all on him. Very stubborn and said absolutly not to any couseling more than once. I have asked him to read self help books with me, do love language quizzes and he says he will think about it. And nothing ever comes of it. It's time to up the ante. He needs to know that his marriage is in serious jeopardy. He needs to know that it's gotten to the point where other men are becoming a seriously attractive option. It's a helluva difficult conversation to have but if you don't, you're going to be a cheater or part of the 50% divorce group or both. Avoiding that is hard work. Do your part by having this brutally honest conversation that so many lack the courage to have. And then get firm commitments about exactly what the two of you are going to do to reinvigorate this marriage. Personally, I support the use of ultimatums. Communicate your dealbreakers and give him the choice to keep them or you go your separate ways. Make sure that the dealbreakers are actually dealbreakers for you and be prepared to follow-thru. But you also have to "fight fair." That means no yelling (or even raising your voice), no swearing, no name-calling, no throwing things, no stomping out of the room, no use of the words 'you always' or 'you never.' Be an active listener. Make agreements on how often you'll have these conversations and how long they will be. Agree that the goal is to improve the relationship rather than to assign blame. End discussions on time. Celebrate afterwards with something you both like (maybe it's ice cream). But to reiterate, be direct. He needs to hear that "We're going to straight up fix this or I'm not staying and I'm not kidding." I should add... I also agree with 2Sunny that you need to shut this other man down at work. It doesn't have to be rude but it needs to be a "no ifs, ands, or buts" kind of conversation. "We've been having inappropriate conversations. It's partly my fault but they absolutely have to stop. I'm a married woman and will no longer disrespect my husband by flirting with you. And I will never cheat on him. Please respect my wishes and keep it nothing but professional from now on." Edited May 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oggie_23 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 We never fight dirty. Always fair. That is one thing I have always liked. We may raise our voices in a very heated argument but never scream at each other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Oogie_23 My husband wasn't all that keen on the self help / love quiz things either. To get him to listen, I actually sat on him. I crawled into his lap & stayed there until he did the quiz. Yes, he could have pushed me off without much effort but I was betting he wouldn't. You have to time this right -- not when he's already angry / annoyed. It didn't change our marriage over night but it did get him to listen / participate. Link to post Share on other sites
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