Ok, NOW I'm confused.....

[blind_otter]

*sigh*

 

I wish I had more female friends, honestly - and I have encountered too many times the issue of guy friends who I DO cross the line with, or guy friends who WANT to cross the line with me.

 

But I really just do not relate well to other females. Never have. My only female friends, IRL - are my older sisters.

 

It's a cattiness thing, I think. Or the fact that I don't like competition? My closest female friends have always f*cked me over, hardcore, and I guess it's a massive, throbbing trust issue.

 

You're right GM - for me to deny that there was something more would be dishonest - but in the same token, Mr. T is just as delusional because he will swear up and down, right and left, come hell or high water, that we are JUST FRIENDS. So even if I were to try to approach the situation from that angle he would drop me like a hot potato (like he hasn't already).

 

That said, I struggle with this issue constantly - I have often wondered why I work better with a male therapist, I have almost all male friends IRL, with whom I constantly fend off stronger emotions, either from my side or theirs, I have inappropriately long phone conversations (read: I am a phone bitch) with guys who I have a merely platonic relationship with. I am honest about it and it always makes the guys I'm dating uncomfortable. Hell, I had more pet names for Mr.T (and he for me) than I had for any of the guys I was with.

 

The funny thing about me, at least, I can't speak for all woman-kind, is that I can be brutally honest about myself, but that rarely leads to any further insight. I see chicks in herds at bars and I wonder how they can manage to relate to each other. I can barely relate to myself!

 

Perhaps that's why I LS so much.

 

Even when I was doing my internship at the mental hospital I chose, on purpose, to deal with severely mentally ill MALES rather than the rape survivors group I also considered briefly. If I'm around other women besides my sisters, and even my sisters sometimes, for too long, I get nauseous. I get tired.

 

I wish I had some kind of explanation for it. Other than the fact that I have a fantabulous relationship with my Dad and a not-so-hot one with my Mom....

[Stone]

AHHH that depends, I have tons of male friends, I grew up with each and every one since I was about 7 years old ( I was the only girl in my neighborhood) I have had sexual relationships with few... but it seems that when one of the guys has a girl friend I get ditched

 

I DO think oppisite sex can be friends but casually.

[Bubbles]

Good Morning All!

 

b_o...how are you feeling today? You know something? The more posts I read of your? The more I can relate to you.

 

I myself am not comfortable with female friends either.....they will screw you as quick as look at you. Thus my post......."I got punked off for a dog"

 

I have spent a lot of time alone over the course of my life because if I have a female friend (unless I comply to all of her rules) she manages to find something to pick at me about or say that I am doing something wrong. If I hang out with a male friend then I am labelled a slut.

Sometimes it feels like I can't win for loosing!

 

Any-ways....how are you making out with Mr. T? What are you going to do? You do know that some of the best relationships start from a friendship position right?

 

bubbles

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Bubbles

Any-ways....how are you making out with Mr. T? What are you going to do? You do know that some of the best relationships start from a friendship position right?

 

bubbles

 

I'm feeling better. My right pupil is actually working now, last night I still looked cock-eyed because one pupil was dilated and the other was normal! I still have to clutch the railing to climb stairs. I am getting better at compensating for the clumsiness. I am fine when I am sitting, I spend almost all my time at home laying down, though, I am always sleepy and I yawn VIOLENTLY (so hard, it hurts) all the time.

 

Our mutual friend, K, who I spend hours on the phone with, now, said Mr. T was going to call me yesterday but he didn't. K said Mr. T is pissed at me for playing the "cokehead card" - with good reason, and I hear all the time about the strange he chases, he's slept with a different girl every night since we stopped talking, frankly - I don't want him in my life until he stops doing coke every day and night.

 

I hung out with a GREAT guy last night, he came over to my house and brought me a blunt and after we smoked we watched southpark and giggled hysterically and talked until midnight. It was fun, and very innocent, and when he left I let him kiss me on the cheek. Then I asked if he had ever been in prison and he HAD. Only for 5 months, but still...ugh. He is a nice guy and all, and I'm not one to judge, but I made a set of rules and I will stick by them.

 

Then again 1/3 african american men have been to prison, so I guess it's playing the odds, har har.

 

What, do I have "Have you been to prison? Date me!" Tattooed on my forehead??

 

Ugh. Dealbreaker yet again.

[Stone]

BO why do you feel the need to have a relationship now?

 

Are you still seeing your theripist?

 

I take it your on a Leave of Absence from work?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Stone

BO why do you feel the need to have a relationship now?

 

Are you still seeing your theripist?

 

I take it your on a Leave of Absence from work?

 

Yes I'm still in therapy...no I'm still at work, stumbling around like I'm drunk...they know what happened so they are going easy on me.

 

I don't really want a relationship. I like hanging with Adrian, though, he makes me laugh and is easy to talk to, and he makes me feel happy when I'm around him. He's also gorgeous and I like looking at him. I never thought I would date a black man, but it's about him as a person, you know? I am attracted to his personality.

 

My exH was the one who noticed that I only sing when I'm happy - and I haven't sung in years. I just finished singing "Copa Cabana" in front of my office manager and the other secretary that works here...

 

I am humming under my breath and singing in the shower again. I am finally feeling happy - even with my neurological problems, I feel happier than I ever did with my ex, and I'm single.

[Grinning Maniac]

Bounce bounce bouncity bounce, from di*k, to di*k, to di*k....

 

This thread is like a tragic comedy.

 

Will Otter's left side ever dance again? Will Otter's new "buddy" end up back in prison before I need to buy a new calendar? Will he and Otter hook up before our studio audience can say: "I liked this better when it was called Temptation Island..."?

 

Find out, next week on:

 

"My Dating Life Seems Fine Now That I Think About It..."

[moimeme]

Just a quickie OT aside - GM promise me you'll do some professional writing.

 

BO - God bless you is all I can say ..

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

 

 

Will Otter's left side ever dance again? Will Otter's new "buddy" end up back in prison before I need to buy a new calendar? Will he and Otter hook up before our studio audience can say: "I liked this better when it was called Temptation Island..."?

 

 

It's my RIGHT side, doofus.

 

Urgh, hey I post this on a public forum so I suppose criticism of my personal life is to be expected.

[blind_otter]

Sometimes I feel like my life is a long, intricate, involved train wreck.

 

I had a nightmare last night about my ex - I have them pretty frequently - where I was at work, and I saw him outside my window, and so I locked the doors and he was rattling them and I kept trying to call the police but I kept getting this office instead, so I was looking through the phone book. It sounds stupid, but in the dream I was terrified.

 

All my nightmares about him are him chasing me lately. I don't really know what that means.

 

It doesn't help that the medication I'm on can make me super super depressed sometimes....blah....

 

I just feel very out of it, as usual, like I'm super baked but not in a good way. I don't even smoke that much pot anymore because it makes me dizzy. When I get really upset I get a seizure aura that lasts a half hour, but it never resolves into a seizure, but I have been conditioned to think that it will, so I get panicky and scared.

 

It's so easy for me to forget things, which is good and bad. I mean it's like I forget them the next day. Things I need to do for work, things in my personal life...like it was easy for me to get over not talking to Mr. T because I can literally barely remember what he looks like now....I can't remember anything about my best friend from high school, who I knew from age 8 to age 23....I can remember kind of how she looked, but I get so frustrated. I miss being able to drive my car. I miss being normal.

 

I don't think any normal guy would want anything to do with me anyways, if I was mentally stable even, because who wants to deal with someone who can't remember anything unless she writes it down...so I go for the scumbags or the guys who don't have so much going for them, because in all honesty - what else DO I deserve?

[d'Arthez]

BO, I have been reading your posts for quite some time.

 

There is no need to talk yourself into a depression. It does not improve your life. Try looking at the positives. Even though you can't find many (unless laughing at your own expense), I do not believe that your whole life is an accumulated set of events. You did not wake one day to find out you had graduated, did you?

 

There is no need for you to date the garbage. You'd rather not date. Dating gives only more drama to your life, which you absolutely don't need at all.

 

The time is now there for you to take control of your health and your life. Don't let yourself be discouraged by offensive posters.

Is the loss of your short-term memory permanent? Or can you train other parts of your brain to take over that function a bit? I have seen a few people with Korshakov's syndrome (alcohol induced destruction of the short term memory), and with the proper care they can come quite far. Holding a job for people with reduced short term memory is hard .

Both alcohol and pot can have negative influences on the effect of the medicins you are taking, as you are probably aware.

 

Most people have one or more f'cked up periods in life, that extend over a few years. Your life got derailed, but you must try to get it back on the track. Admit to the situation. I know it is hard, especially for someone who is still quite young. First you should heal, as I still think your healing potential is reasonably high. But the longer you go without proper healing the more the potential dwindles .

I am not only talking about medicine and therapy, but most importantly a few unhealthy habits you have acquired thru the years. Habits which you already have identified. After realization of mistakes comes the second hard part: act upon the realization, and breaking the habits.

 

Don't let yourself be used as a human sex-toy. You deserve so much better. Try breaking the destructive habits you have acquired, your future will be the better for it. As always the first steps are the hardest, but it will become easier along the way.

[blind_otter]

Thank you.

 

I sometimes need to be reminded of that. I need to think about all the good things I have. The fact that my illness has brought me much closer to my Mother, who I have always had a strained relationship with. It has stopped me from drinking and doing coke, which waw very obviously a bad choice. It has made me step away from an unhealthy "friendship".

 

I shouldn't date, I know that. I should hang with my friends and try to rebuild my scattered brain. It's easy for me to try to get back into a relationship, to try to rely on a man - it's what I've always done. I get lost, I look for a male figure, because I relied on my Father for guidance and instruction, and he has always been my rock. Now that he is terminally ill I am probably feeling this desperation to seek out another man to cling to because of force of habit more than anything else.

 

I have had so many periods in my life where i felt lost, and my Dad always guided me out of them, even when it required me to move home and just start over. I've done that twice already and I'm only 25. I keep thinking - what will I do when Dad dies, who will I cling to? The obvious answer is, you will gird your loins and be strong and take care of yourself. My friend Brian always tells me this. But a part of me is childish, and just wants someone else to take care of me.

 

I grew up thinking that I would marry a man, and he would take care of me for the rest of my life. An antiquated and traditional attitude, I know, but it was how I was raised.

 

In some ways, I have simply transferred my addiction to relationships. I get "high" from flirting with men, and the build up to a possible relationship, but because I am unable to emotionally deal with a relationship right now, I always reach a point where my interest dies away and I am left with a man who I unfairly cultivated an attachment with, who possibly and probably actually cares for me on whatever level or whatever capacity he can, and I have nothing inside me, except a mild disgust towards him.

 

I hate going through this, it's comparable to emotional labor, trying to figure out my many issues. I keep f*cking up and just making more issues for myself to have to deal with. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

 

For me, because of the area of my brain that is damaged, the memory loss is permanent. I will probably learn better ways to compensate as time goes by, right now I just do what my neurologist recommended and I live out of a notebook. I even write down notes to myself when I'm talking on the phone to friends, now, so I remember what stories I told them so I don't revisit the same old BS.

[d'Arthez]

Hi, in the meanwhile I have registered as a user.

 

BO, you seem to have a reasonable grasp of your issues. That is in fact the hardest part towards healing. Try to remain positive. Considering the role your father has and your cultural background your idea of a strong man, are probably not strange.

The 'to be taken care of' is quite normal for teenagers and people in their early twenties. You know however that it is not a healthy approach to life. You must have had the strength in your past, but now you don't remember that. You should. Draw strength from yourself, and prove all the f'ckwads wrong. Without doubt you can find something to motivate yourself to get your life back on track.

 

The issues concerning dating are more serious. You would want to rely on a good man, but because of your situation and past choices you can only get the f'ckwads who don't have a problem screwing up your life even further. You already noticed that, and as long as they don't contribute to helping with your problems and issues, you don't need them. You need to start healing a bit, before you can attract (and be attracted to) a good man, who is willing to help you with everything, and does not need to take advantage of you.

 

Permanent neurological damage sucks. I don't know what your options are at the moment, but try to do something about it. Working with notebooks is beneficial, but I hope that you can recover a bit of your short-term memory. It is a very frustrating experience for you.

 

I hate going through this, it's comparable to emotional labor, trying to figure out my many issues. I keep f*cking up and just making more issues for myself to have to deal with. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

 

I know what you mean. You already have identified the things that give you setbacks. Can you not for example try to replace current addictions with some of your old interests? Don't forget that you already seem to have a good grasp of the issues you have. Now you must act upon the understanding you have gained. Sadly the first steps are always the hardest.

 

As hard as it is, even here at LS there are enough people who are there for you and almost anxiously want to know how you are doing.

[Bubbles]

Ya.......people lots of people here to talk to blind!

 

bubbles

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Hi, in the meanwhile I have registered as a user.

 

I know what you mean. You already have identified the things that give you setbacks. Can you not for example try to replace current addictions with some of your old interests? Don't forget that you already seem to have a good grasp of the issues you have. Now you must act upon the understanding you have gained. Sadly the first steps are always the hardest.

 

As hard as it is, even here at LS there are enough people who are there for you and almost anxiously want to know how you are doing.

 

Cool

 

When I last had my problems with seizures, I never had the coordination problems I do now. A professor was at the printer like half an hour ago and I tried to get up out of my chair and totally fell on my ass. He laughed, thinking it was just an accident, and not the fact that I lose my balance all the time. Talk about embarassing. At least I can laugh about it. I laughed with him, but I felt so stupid. I have gotten better at walking without holding on to walls or railings to steady myself, and my typos have improved. I used to be able to do almost 90 cwpm. I've slowed down to like 60cwpm.

 

Anyways, my point being....I did yoga to replace my addictions years ago. But now I try to do yoga and fall all over the place. Anyways, right now I go to work, stumble around like I'm drunk and fall on my ass (obviously). Then I go home and sleep, wake up and eat dinner, talk on the phone, and go back to sleep.

 

I guess I welcome the distraction that vists from men who are interested in me bring. To be looked at with adoration, and have someone tell you how beautiful you are, how sweet, how intelligent, how adorable - well who wouldn't like that? But I feel cruel because in many ways I am using them.

 

I am anxious to find out exactly WHAT is wrong with me. I am still worried. I wish I had someone to care for me, to help with cleaning my house, and dishes, and laundry...it sucks. It takes me twice as long to do anything, even locking my door. I stand there biting my lower lip trying to aim right for the keyhole and I drop my keys, and scrape around the lock for a few minutes and then I can manage. My Mom was coming up and locking the door for me the first few days but I told her to stop so I could re-learn how to do it.

 

Hey at least I can get loopy for an hour or so off my anti-seizure meds. I call them my alcohol pills, because I take them and I get sooooo f*cked up, tired, clumsy, and a bit silly.

 

Ya.......people lots of people here to talk to blind!

 

bubbles

 

Thanks bubbles....

[d'Arthez]

Anyways, my point being....I did yoga to replace my addictions years ago. But now I try to do yoga and fall all over the place. Anyways, right now I go to work, stumble around like I'm drunk and fall on my ass (obviously). Then I go home and sleep, wake up and eat dinner, talk on the phone, and go back to sleep.

 

I see the problems that can give. Especially if you are not in an easy to balance position. I can't see a simple solution, given the limitations you have at the moment. But as long as you are careful not to hurt yourself and don't do it in public situation, who cares if you fall on your ass?

 

Be honest about your limitations. You have already improved quite a lot. I know you can go much farther, so don't stop trying.

 

I guess I welcome the distraction that vists from men who are interested in me bring. To be looked at with adoration, and have someone tell you how beautiful you are, how sweet, how intelligent, how adorable - well who wouldn't like that? But I feel cruel because in many ways I am using them.

 

You should not want that. You should want a man who understands the limitations you have at the moment, and that these limitations make it impossible for you at the moment to be the caring, beautiful and intelligent woman now. You have a hard time taking care of yourself now.

As good as flattery sounds, it remains flattery. Don't delude yourself; you need to face reality and come to terms with it. If you overcome your hardships and the worst of your habits, you will be the caring and beautiful woman, who can discern if someone is giving you an honest compliment or just tries to worm his way in your pants.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Don't delude yourself; you need to face reality and come to terms with it. If you overcome your hardships and the worst of your habits, you will be the caring and beautiful woman, who can discern if someone is giving you an honest compliment or just tries to worm his way in your pants.

 

 

Thanks, d. It's funny because it's true! I told Adrian when was it? last night? I don't remember. Anyways, I told him I knew he was just complimenting me because he wanted to get down my pants and he said, you're right. Well, at least he's honest.

 

He's a nice guy and all. I guess I have to tell him tonight that I can't date right now but if he wants to be my friend, without making out, he can. Gahhhhhhh. I always make things so complicated.

 

Wow, you did a great job cheering me up. Thanks, d. You are a caring, compassionate person yourself. Bless you, I was so so down from my nightmare, my meds, falling on the floor, and going to a long stupid random retreat we had to go to for work that was organized by an "efficiency expert"....hah, all she did as far as I could see was BS and whenever anyone critcized her documents she spazzed out and got defensive and attacked random people.

 

Blah. BLAH, I SAY!

 

Anyways, thank you so much. You have given me a lot to think about. I am so grateful for people like you - ya don't even know me but you gave me balm for my broken heart....

[Bubbles]

blind_otter......WOW are you ever getting some really great support here from d'Arthez!

 

d'Arthez do you do this professionally? You sound like you know what you are talking about.

 

bubbles

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Bubbles

blind_otter......WOW are you ever getting some really great support here from d'Arthez!

 

d'Arthez do you do this professionally? You sound like you know what you are talking about.

 

bubbles

 

Word! I'm all chirpy again. As chirpy as possible on this medication anyways. Which is still pretty chirpy. Oh Gawd I'm getting deliriously tired again.

 

Where IS my iced tea? Ohhhhh. Right next to my keyboard. Hello, my name is random spells of dizziness.

[Bubbles]

blind_otter,

 

What type of work do you do? How can you manage to take dizzy spells at work and still stay on the computer? If I was dizzy.....the last thing I would want to do is try to focus on a computer screen.

 

bubbles

[blind_otter]

My desk is a big "L" shape.

 

I have one side that I face to work on stuff, if I have to write, or read, or whatever. The PC is on the other side. So I just turn my chair and lay my head down on my desk facing the window for a while.

 

The dizzy spells are jsut from the meds, anyway, so there's nothing I can do to make them go away.

 

I am a personal assistant, so I have so many various things to work on, even though I LS all day because I type pretty fast. They aren't the normal dizzy spells - it's weird, like my eyes will just sorta roll back into my head for a second. Or my head will just kinda roll backward, left or right. I get this weird vertigo for a second, and sometimes a sharp pain in my left temple, and then it goes away.

 

But anyways I can't afford to take any days off right now. Mama needs money.

[d'Arthez]

BO, I am glad I could make you feel a bit like .

 

Great that Adrian was honest with you, and did not force it on you. There is nothing wrong with some action, but only if that is what you truly desire, and it would not have too much negative consequences. At the moment it is better for you not to, given the confusion you suffered in the past if things happened. You have acknowledged that. Explain it to him, he should understand.

 

You would be wise not to date Adrian, or anyone for that matter, at the moment. It might be possible that the two of you spend some time at your place. Not all the time of course.

 

To get to know each other more and more, and have a bit of assistance when you really need that (don't let him take anything out of your hands, but ask for his help when you really need it). During this time you can start healing.

Hopefully Adrian and other friends can support you when you try to kick off from your bad habits. You deserve the support, but it also means you have to come to terms with your issues.

 

You are smart enough, but you must find the strength inside you.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

BO, I am glad I could make you feel a bit like .

 

Great that Adrian was honest with you, and did not force it on you. There is nothing wrong with some action, but only if that is what you truly desire, and it would not have too much negative consequences. At the moment it is better for you not to, given the confusion you suffered in the past if things happened. You have acknowledged that. Explain it to him, he should understand.

 

You would be wise not to date Adrian, or anyone for that matter, at the moment. It might be possible that the two of you spend some time at your place. Not all the time of course.

 

To get to know each other more and more, and have a bit of assistance when you really need that (don't let him take anything out of your hands, but ask for his help when you really need it). During this time you can start healing.

Hopefully Adrian and other friends can support you when you try to kick off from your bad habits. You deserve the support, but it also means you have to come to terms with your issues.

 

You are smart enough, but you must find the strength inside you.

 

 

Thanks, d. Adrian saw the state of my kitchen and said he wanted to do my dishes for me on saturday just as a gesture of friendship, no strings attached or anything, so I said, Hey - sure, you want to attack that naaaaastaaaay pile of old dishes, be my guest. I said I would make him dinner in return (in my case this means reheating food that Mama brings over every few days. This could be something good, like beer chicken, or it could be some Vietnamese home cooking, which most Americans find scarey, like fried smelt with nuc mam and sliced cucmbers in hot pepper sauce - yum to me, gross to Americans)

 

I don't want action right now - the meds I'm on totally annhialated my sex drive, which is a good thing for me. Time out, otter. Full stop.

 

I often find my friends and guys who are currently interested in me, are almost too care-taking. Holding my hand when I walk down stairs, bringing me bottled water, that kinda thing. I feel like an invalid. I just walked to the printer and again I almost fell on my ass in front of the SAME PROFESSOR, this time he asked me if I was ok, so I had to explain it's the medication I'm on. He looked skeptical, I think he thinks I'm hungover every day!

[d'Arthez]

It's great that a lot of people around you are trying to take care of you. Especially the small things can be very impressive. Stairs suck when you have coordination and balance problems, and it is great there are a few people there to help you. But if they are overdoing it, don't hesitate to tell them. You are not crippled and you don't want to be treated as if you were crippled. As long as you don't shout, they should get the message.

 

You made a fair deal with Adrian concerning the dishes and the food. Even though you only have to warm the meal, you do fix dinner for him. Hope the two of you will enjoy the meal. Hopefully he will remain around for you, as he sounds like a good guy for you.

 

Even though you are in a sh*tty situation, you have not lost your sense of humor. Do your healing BO.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

It's great that a lot of people around you are trying to take care of you. Especially the small things can be very impressive. Stairs suck when you have coordination and balance problems, and it is great there are a few people there to help you. But if they are overdoing it, don't hesitate to tell them. You are not crippled and you don't want to be treated as if you were crippled. As long as you don't shout, they should get the message.

 

You made a fair deal with Adrian concerning the dishes and the food. Even though you only have to warm the meal, you do fix dinner for him. Hope the two of you will enjoy the meal. Hopefully he will remain around for you, as he sounds like a good guy for you.

 

Even though you are in a sh*tty situation, you have not lost your sense of humor. Do your healing BO.

 

Bless you, d - you saved the day for otter.

 

I still have my sense of humor because I sacrificed my coconuts to the monkey gods.