d'Arthez Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 Good thing you're a woman saying: "I still have my sense of humor because I sacrificed my coconuts to the monkey gods. " Otherwise I would have had to doubt your wisdom.
d'Arthez Posted February 20, 2005 Posted February 20, 2005 How are you doing Blind_Otter? Hope you had a good weekend.
SuperFantastico Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Wow that read like a romance novel on acid lol. I think that perhaps both of you are each others saftey nets. So no matter what happened, you always had the other to go back to. So there was no fear. NOW though there is the definite possibility of it getting serious between the both of you, ruining this comfy zone of protection you had and it scares you. Its not a game anymore. This is the real thing. All or nothing. OR You actually like this guy but were afraid to settle down into a long term and possibly marriage type relationship with anyone. So you dated and had fun and could have your cake and eat it too sorta thing. But the time for immature play is over and its time to enter the grownup world of marriage and kids and morgages and all that fun junk. Belive me im friggn scared of that too I could be completely wrong. I mean im no expert. Just thought i'd throw my 2centz in yo!!
Author blind_otter Posted February 21, 2005 Author Posted February 21, 2005 Hullo! My weekend was strange. I hung out with Adrian a few times, once at his apartment, and I was like, wow - this is completely and totally unhealthy, ain't it? His roommates - are this couple, that are destined for a spectacular and legally complicated fall out. They are engaged, but what a strange relationship, and basically they do coke and xanax all the time and get into huge, crazy blow-outs. She actually smashed his head in this last time and cracked his skull open with a rock. Niiiiiice. Anyways. I basically went into hiding and refused to answer my phone. I slept all day yesterday and watched 3 movies. Candyman. Old School. Ghost in the Shell. Alllllll old favorites. I didn't want to watch TV. I wanted the old comfort and familiarity of something I knew. Weird. I really do miss Mr. T, terribly, I wonder if he misses me.... Adrian is a very sexy, very handsome, charming and well-spoken train wreck. Just like me. He has yet another deal-breaker, a 6 year old daughter, and while I'm not one to say that having a child out of wedlock is bad (I almost did it), at this point in my life, the LAST thing I need is baby mama drama. Plus, for some reason, whenever he gets intimate with me, or we get close, I get this weird sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What's up with that? He is very into me, I suppose - if I were to take what he says seriously, which I don't, because how can you be THAT enamored of someone you've known all of 3 weeks?? Blah. I can't do this. Well tomorrow morning I get my CT scan results, I am assuming it's bo biggie or else they would have called me by now. But then again this is the health department we're talking about. Once I got tested for all the STDs and had to call them to find out my results and then they were like, oops you have chlamydia, hurry over for some medication. Then I blew through the roof because my ex had obviously cheated on me.
d'Arthez Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Hi BO I can see the roommates of Adrian are not the best people to be around. Maybe it would be better ifyou don't go there at all. It can not be a comforting thought that any minute a skull might roll into his room. I can understand you miss Mr. T terribly. He was an anchor point in your life. Maybe not the healthiest anchor. You can wonder all day long if he misses you, but the most important person you should occupy your thoughts with is yourself BO. When we are at points in our lifes where we need to make some changes we always return to familiar ground. Your father played that role in the past, and now you need the comfort of what is known to venture into the unknown. Mhmmm ... a few posts ago you mentioned you were not out for some action. I see you are attracted to him somewhat. But that is because of the situation you are in. Don't beat yourself up on that, but maintain the boundaries you had set. The feelings of weirdness might stem from yourself. For example (and I hope this is it), that you realise you'd better not cross the boundary. 3 weeks and he is that into you: Yikes! It is a bit too much too fast. Does he seriously care about you, with your problems, or is he someone with a longer breath to get into your pants? If he is as messed up as you are at the moment, don't trust your "autopilot". Hope the results of the CT scan will be encouraging for you tomorrow.
Author blind_otter Posted February 21, 2005 Author Posted February 21, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Hi BO I can see the roommates of Adrian are not the best people to be around. Maybe it would be better ifyou don't go there at all. It can not be a comforting thought that any minute a skull might roll into his room. I can understand you miss Mr. T terribly. He was an anchor point in your life. Maybe not the healthiest anchor. You can wonder all day long if he misses you, but the most important person you should occupy your thoughts with is yourself BO. When we are at points in our lifes where we need to make some changes we always return to familiar ground. Your father played that role in the past, and now you need the comfort of what is known to venture into the unknown. My poor papa had surgery last thursday and isn't donig well. I am grief stricken. I was riding in the car with my Mom this morning and she said that she had to take Dad back to the doctor today because he wasn't doing well, and I was sitting there thinking, I wasn't worried about the surgery - I was worried about afterward. I know he won't/can't heal right - he is 75, has COPD and congestive heart failure and is on blood thinners. He had to have 2 cardiac stents (sp?) - he just doesn't have the strength left. I saw him last friday and this weekend and he looked bad. Gray. No color. Out of it. Demented. I hate seeing him like that. I will miss him so much. Even my 4 year old nephew is worried about him, we talked on the phone sunday and he was so concerned it broke my heart to see a child with so much empathy. I dread having to explain to Adrian that he needs to slow down. I am guilty of feeding into everything with him. I am so upset and my natural reaction is to seek someone to cling to. I just need to be able to stand alone. I need to be stronger. I have said this to myself so many times, maybe one day I'll listen.
d'Arthez Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 BO, I am sorry to hear of the declining health of your father. Given his age and conditions, we all know we are powerless. That's part of being human. Losses of people who have meant so much to us are always terrible. But try to think of the good things he has done to you. That you could rely on him a lot. The funny things. If I remember correctly, your father proposed to your mother to become not her husband but her grandmother. Small slip of the tongue. Without doubt you have many fond memories of him. But think also what your father should want you to do. Even though you could always depend on him, I really think he wants you to overcome your hardships. I really think you have the strength somewhere, but you must address your strength to overcome your hardships. I can understand your fear of explaining that Adrian has to slowdow. But either he does understand, which would be great and reduce tension and pressure on you. Or if he does not understand, you know you have to be careful around him, even if he is a "friend." If the latter is the case you don't have to be afraid to use him for your own benefits. He wants to do the same thing to you :mad : . Because of the situation you are in you attract the people who don't mind screwing you over. You can be stronger. Choose wisely the people you depend on. If someone wishes to screw you over, BO you don't have to comply with their games.
Author blind_otter Posted February 21, 2005 Author Posted February 21, 2005 Ick. I don't even think I need to ask him to slow down. I think I need to ask him to leave me alone. I can't handle anything vaguely romantic right now. I feel all nervous and uncomfortable in my own skin, like I am going to jump out and dance around as a skeleton covered with muscle tissue and tendons, leaving the deflated sack that is me in a messy pile at my desk. Halfway between crying and hysterically laughing. Oh did I tell you he was a gang banger in his youth? And he also said the dreaded "You remind me of my ex..."? I can't decide how I feel. I feel as if I am out of control and I DON'T LIKE IT.
d'Arthez Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 BO, The more you write about Adrian, the more I can understand you can better not have him in your life. But to get him out of your life, you have to take some steps. You know. Do it for yourself. I cannot magically control him from here. If only I could. Cut the human weed out of your life. Your life will be so much better for you. You realise that luckily. It really sucks to feel your life is out of control, and that is why it is so very important for you, to use the insights you have gathered about yourself, to restructure your life. I have put up some suggestions earlier in the thread. Think carefully about what you are going to do. Don't look too much in the future, but focus on the present. And focus on the changes you need to make in your ways. You will fall once, twice, maybe even fifty times on your ass. But if you do get up and continue on the right track, you will arrive at your destination. Prove everyone that you only had a f*cked up period in life, and not have a f*cked up life. A lot of people you care for definetely want you to prove the first option. Don't be afraid to turn to these people. In real life and on Loveshack.
Author blind_otter Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 F8ck it. I just went to the health department (I'm on medicaid) and now I have to f*cking go to the f*cking ER and I f*cking HATE the ER. It's not even a f*cking emergency but since I'm on F*cking medicaid I either go THERE, or the health department, where I was already, because the health department blows and you can't get any kind of care there anyways and I am just so ****ING PISSED OFF. I hate everything right now. I am having yet another crying fit about something minor but whatever. My life is just one blackhoel of stress after another and it's all my fault anyways, i am the one who put myself in this position. Blah blah blah blah. I hate myself. Why can't I get it together?? Why am I a walking train wreck?? This is why I am alone because who would want to take on a burden like this? I am so disgusted with myself right now.
d'Arthez Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Hi BO Sorry to see that everything has seemed to made a turn for the worst. The problem is of course that you are dependant on organizations, who only theoretically put care for their clients first. Don't blame everything on yourself. You know deep down, that that is BS. Sometimes **** happens to a random person. And you have been that random person a few times. Because of that, the road you have travelled thus far has taken you where you are now. But that does not mean, you can't change paths. I am confident you will change paths in fact. Don't hate yourself. It does not accomplish anything at all. Don't be disgusted with yourself. Try to look at the positives, even though that is hard at the moment. You are not alone because you are in a mess, but you are alone because you want out of the mess. I think you will understand what I am trying to tell you.
Author blind_otter Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 What a wasted day yesterday was! I went to the ER and basically hung out there for almost 10 hours and just signed a waiver and left. Screw it. But my Mom helped me out and got someone to see me today, a real neurologist to boot, so I am actually happy. I can finally get something DONE. The ER was awful. It was so crowded that I had to sit on the floor for about 2 hours. I also got one of my "just kill me now" migranes, where I basically sat on the floor with my scarf wrapped around my eyes, with my hands pressing on my ears, feeling nauseous. This was the same ER I had my miscarriage in last December, so when I went to puke I actually went into the same stall I delivered my baby in, or miscarried in rather, so that was pleasant. I kept having flashes of the way it was that day, all bloody and messy, and then it would go back to normal, all clean like it actually was. It was surreal and upsetting. So I figure the whole thing with Adrian is definately a bust. But you know, thank god I controlled myself and didn't have sex with him. I would be more upset about getting too close too fast and then all of a sudden pulling away. That's how I've trapped myself in bad relationships before - I got intimate and suddenly felt this burden to make the relationship work just because I became "invested" in it. And what is up with guys who get so attached so fast?? I much prefer, now, the whole casually getting to know someone and hanging out for a looooong time before f*cking. That might be because of all the problems I've had with getting pregnant so easily, and miscarriages, and the fact that I was raped as a child and as a teenager. It is almost a relief to be friends with the guys first and then see if I like them as a whole. I mean there are always things to disagree about, especially when you have sexual tension, but you know what I mean. It's like it took me extra long to sexually mature because in all honesty I really try to ignore the thinking part of sex. It makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather just be an animal. But everyone gets older and I have to face my demons. I have been in therapy for years for the sexual assaults and in all honesty I think I've been treading water more than anything else, keeping my head above the surface and still trying to have sexual relationships without making the effort to confront those horrible feelings of discomfort and self-disgust that I have fought against since I was 12.
SuperFantastico Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 And here i though i had it bad with the diarrea i got from cuba I think you have a pretty good plan there. Take it nice and slow. That seems to be the best way. My plan too. I can imagine dealing with all the stuff you are dealing with, but you seem pretty tough so im sure you will face those demons and kick thier asses. If theres one thing i've learned(i think i've actually learned around 3 things in my life....wait writing...thats 4 ) The longer you ignore your problems, the worse off you will be. So you are like your own hero right now..... mine too on a totally unrelated side note. I made my own anti depressant yesterday. Peanutbutter nutella and bread. God thats a good sandwich. Although the side effect can be some pimples
Author blind_otter Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by SuperFantastico on a totally unrelated side note. I made my own anti depressant yesterday. Peanutbutter nutella and bread. God thats a good sandwich. Although the side effect can be some pimples Nutella! Nutella! Ohmigod I luuuuuve nutella. I eat it out of the jar on my finger, a la Puck from the Real World San Diego (The Dreaded Peanut Butter Incident). Horror movies are my homemade antidepressant. I dunno why but getting all freaked out and then calming down makes me feel kinda high. "Candyman"? hell yeeeya.
Bubbles Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 O.K........I'm Not trying to hijack this thread blind_otter I would never do that to you but ddddaaaaaammmmmmm! SuperFantastico is HHHOOOTTT! bubbles
Author blind_otter Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles O.K........I'm Not trying to hijack this thread blind_otter I would never do that to you but ddddaaaaaammmmmmm! SuperFantastico is HHHOOOTTT! bubbles Agreed. Why do I think his SN is pronounced "supeeehhhrrrrr fan-TAS-ti-co"??
Bubbles Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 LMAO! ~ that's funny blind! How you doing any-ways? I have not read all of the posts but how's your lid? You having a good day today? Have you gotten the results back from your tests yet? have you ever been tested for Vertigo? My friend has it and when she takes her spells.......she has to stay home from work.......she cannott walk a straight line if her life depended on it and her head spins and spins. She said it's like there is no Gravity in her brain. bubbles
Author blind_otter Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles LMAO! ~ that's funny blind! How you doing any-ways? I have not read all of the posts but how's your lid? You having a good day today? Have you gotten the results back from your tests yet? have you ever been tested for Vertigo? My friend has it and when she takes her spells.......she has to stay home from work.......she cannott walk a straight line if her life depended on it and her head spins and spins. She said it's like there is no Gravity in her brain. bubbles Hahaha - story of my life, lately. I stumbled around and ran into the doorway of the bathroom twice in the ER yesterday. I also banged my right hand awfully hard on a doorknob, when I was REACHING for the doorknob, I just sorta aimed wrong. I usually do this thing where I bite my lip and squinch my right eye shut and I have pretty good aim. My typing speed is back up to like 72 cwpm, which is pretty dern good. I still have a little barely noticeable limp, oddly enough it gets worse and worse as the day goes by and if I have to walk long distances. I have been putting off walking to the bookstore to get my boss's regalia for commencement. Maybe I can order it by phone.... She was upset because a competing college at a unit chairs/directors meeting had a better written packet about their college that I prepared. Mine was all graphs and excel sheet, barely any writing. I am laaaay zeeeeee. Besides, am I psychic? Do I need to put on my swami turban before I sit down at my desk? If so I am SO making a coordinated outfit to go with said swami turban. I even have some moroccan slippers that would do great.
d'Arthez Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Do I need to put on my swami turban before I sit down at my desk? If so I am SO making a coordinated outfit to go with said swami turban. I even have some moroccan slippers that would do great. Read your contract! Yes you do Are you certain the limping is not caused by something unrelated? Not to scare you, but given your health situation now I'd rather be safe than sorry. And yay for the increased typing speed. A rise from 66.7 % to 80 % of old level of performance. Good sign!
Bubbles Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 And don't forget the matching bottle......you have to have a matching bottle to go with your outfit! You Crack Me Up! bubbles
Author blind_otter Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Read your contract! Yes you do Are you certain the limping is not caused by something unrelated? Not to scare you, but given your health situation now I'd rather be safe than sorry. And yay for the increased typing speed. A rise from 66.7 % to 80 % of old level of performance. Good sign! Yes, sir. That's why they did the CT scan, apparently there may be cause to believe I suffered a mild stroke during my last severe seizure - which is why everyone is spazztastic about keeping me doped up. I have had so many migranes and they are all on only ONE side of my head - half my face will literally go numb. So I am somewhat concerned, but going to work distracts me, keeps me getting a paycheck, and I have to laugh at myself since if I didn't I would be crying. But at least my face isn't lop-sided. I know one girl who had a severe stroke and her mouth hung open a little on one side. And she drooled sometimes. Now, I drool, but only when I'm fast asleep
d'Arthez Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I thought so. Hopefully the CT scan makes enough clear so that you would have at least no more further health surprises. That in itself would be wonderful for you. Even through all the sh*t you go through you still keep your sense of humor. A valuable asset in itself. Don't lose that, and enjoy the distraction your work offers. And the time you spend here on LS. We are there for you.
Bubbles Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Ya like I drool too.......everytime I see a good looking guy! LMAO! I'm such a cougar! but I'm a good girl......I look but I don't touch. bubbles
d'Arthez Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Sure Bubbles ... After having mentally undressed him. Or not? A woman with a great fantasy does not need to touch. Even better would be if you did not even start to drool. In that way you retain your classy pose while giving yourself gratifications ... The same is true for men, though.
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