Meaningless sex, or something more?

[mimijiminy]

Hi everyone. I am heartbroken and in anguish and wanted to reach out to you all for your opinions / observations / reality checks. Bear with me ... post a bit - longish.

 

I am married, no kids, and met my AP about three years ago through work. He is also married (long time GF / common-law wife, with a 2-year-old daughter.) We’re both in our mid to late 30s and work for the same company but in different countries. Sparks flew immediately but neither one of us made a move until last year when we were on assignment together where I live. The first two years we chatted, emailed, corresponded and built a rapport so there’s a friendship involved.

 

We’ve had three sexual encounters since last August since it’s not that easy to see each other. He goes on assignment more than I do so we see each other furtively when he flies through where I live, which is somewhat of a hub in this region.

 

After our second encounter, which was last September, the same night he got home his wife saw some of our racy messages. He emailed me right away to let me know and to say that he would be laying low for a while. We barely communicated for a few months.

 

Then, one night when I was out with a mutual group of our friends, he called on my phone and spoke for a bit, friendly chit chat. And again his wife saw my name on his phone and flipped out, told him to stay away from me, etc.

 

Since, he has been pretty much MIA, except for a brief chat here and there and until last month when again he flew through here and I met him at the airport for a drink during this layover. I told him I wasn’t really digging the fact that he was ignoring me, that he was being dismissive, that I while I understood his situation, I needed some sort of contact in between because I was feeling used, and hurt. He said he would make more of an effort, which he did. At some point during our subsequent messaging, he told me we were “inseparable” and asked whether I liked the idea of “me and him.” So it seemed he was beginning to relax a bit.

 

Our latest encounter was last night … when he again made the effort to have an overnight layover here so we could be together. I spent the night with him and he was very tender, very in tune. That said, I decided it was time to clear some stuff up because again, I wasn’t appreciating being ignored while he was home; and only being able to contact him or hearing from him when he was on assignment.

 

I asked whether this was just about sex for him, and he said no. I asked whether there were feelings on his part, and he didn’t really like that. He said he wouldn’t share with me what was in his head, or in his heart, because he was afraid it would get messy between us. That he didn’t want to do that because he didn’t want another relationship (other than his marriage,) that he didn’t want to have his guard up when he was with me. That he would communicate while traveling, but not while at home.

 

I told him I had no such demands or expectations, but didn’t like feeling like a whore, quite frankly, and said “I’m not sure I’m OK with this whole thing the way you see it. I am taking risks, you're taking risks, and I would like for it to mean something." Yes, probably bad timing on my part but I have no other time to speak to him and this needed to be done in person. I made it clear I hate drama, had no intention of leaving my husband, and I had no expectations that he leave his family.

 

Unfortunately, at some point I froze, lost the capacity to speak, and wasn’t able to really communicated what I want. Which is obviously a sexual relationship but with some sort of maintenance communication in between. Clearly, I have some feelings for this man and was only trying to establish whether it was mutual.

 

We parted well, hugs, kisses. He sent me an email as soon as he got to where he needed to be to let me know he had checked in to his hotel, asked whether I was able to get some sleep, etc.

 

He's my issue, dear readers. While I fully realize I put myself in a crappy situation that I am fully responsible for, I do have feelings and I am in pain. I want to feel like I matter. It seems what he was telling me last night was that this was basically meaningless sex to him, and adventure here and there when he's traveling.

 

What does it sound like to you? Would a man who has been caught twice continue to risk his marriage to be with someone he didn't care about? Would he talk about making love to me and being inseparable and all that other jazz that he really doesn't need to do since I'm in his bed anyway? To make the effort to see me at great cost? Is there no one he is attracted to locally so he doesn't need to fly two hours to have sex withs someone? (Granted, who knows … I may be one of many, though I don't think so.)

 

Potential for this to grow, or does it sounds like this guy is in it for the adventure while he is traveling?

 

Not sure when I will see him next. He should be flying back in a few weeks, but I don't know whether he'll see me. I made sure to not ask about that for fear of sounding needy. If he does, though, I would like to see him again.

 

 

Thank you in advance for all comments and advice.

Edited May 23, 2014 by mimijiminy

[TwoTowns]

I don't think it's meaningless for him at all. I too had a long distance affair, and since we didn't see each other that often - sex was a major part of every visit we had. I get how it would seem at times to be 'all about sex.'

 

Seems, though, that he has feelings for you. He is, in my opinion, trying to compartmentalize his two relationships and not string you along with talk of love or a future.

 

If you can accept the status quo and find a happy middle ground where you feel he is being communicative enough - you may find yourself one of the rare happy OW out there.

 

Hang in there.

[RickFox]

I disagree. In this instance you are simply excitement for him and since you aren't close, the risk is far less to him. Easier to dismiss. He doesn't cost you when he's home because he has no need to. Seems to me you are simply there for sex

[Minnie09]

I agree with rock fox.

He doesn't care if he's got to take flight to **** you.

Maybe you're the only option he has at this point.

Also, how do you get away for a whole night without raising any suspicion?

[RickFox]

Should have been contact, not cost.

[whichwayisup]

Would a man who has been caught twice continue to risk his marriage to be with someone he didn't care about?

 

We all can guess his reasons but you'll never know unless you directly ask him. Maybe he is cheating on his common law wife for the same reasons why you're cheating on your husband.

 

Men though, not all, but many, are able to separate love and sex.

 

You say you feel used, but on some level you're using him as well - Running away from yourself and husband/marriage to be with someone else who is also with a spouse (common law).

 

Do some soul searching, every time you ask a question about the why's and how's about him, also direct those same questions to yourself.

[EnderA]

Why haven't you divorced your husband? It's clear that you need more out of your marriage than he can provide. Why not let him be free?

[mimijiminy]

Thanks, RickFox … I think you're right, and it will take some time for me to either accept and continue (which is doubtful); or, digest what I have just learned and break it off (more likely scenario.) Third option is things become more clear and we go from there, whatever that is.

[2sunny]

He's been making it perfectly clear not to expect anything except sex when he's in the area.

 

You want it to mean more to him, but he was clear - it doesn't. He may get caught keeping in touch with you - that's why he doesn't want to call or text. He wants his wife. He wants you when she won't find out.

 

Settle for seeing him once in a while and little contact - I wish you wouldn't. At least if he meets you he should be willing to pay you.

 

I hope you use protection. He strikes me as the kind of guy who would see professionals - putting your health at risk.

[mimijiminy]

whichwayisup, EnderA, thanks for your input. I know men are usually better at compartmentalizing than women and are able to separate love and sex. I tried to ask him but like I said, I froze. Words just weren't coming out. We both do not want to talk about our marriages so as far as I'm concerned it's an off - limit topic. All I know is what he has told me in the past, before our relationship became sexual.

 

I do know I am also running away and in a way using him. Though in my mind it's more of an "acceptable" form of use, if there is such a thing, since it's kind of implicit in an affair that you're using the person across from you for something -- filling a void, excitement, sex, what have you.

 

And yes, I have been turning the mirror on myself and trying to come to terms with a lot of things about myself I don't like. Like, why am I so in need of validation and affection from my lover? I don't know the answer completely, but I have some ideas.

 

Am also contemplating my relationship with my husband, as EnderA said. Simply put, I don't want a divorce. I don't think you guys want to hear me dissect my marriage here but I am aware of what is lacking in it for me and have been for the 8 years we've been together (though we've been married for only three.) For me, the pros of my marriage far outweigh the cons and he fulfills me in ways that no man ever has which is why we've been together for this long. It works, or was, until I got myself into this mess last year. I take full responsibility for my selfishness and moral corruption (I'm judging myself here and not anyone else on this board so please don't misunderstand.) I've never cheated on a partner before and never cheated on my husband priot to AP so what I am going through now are very new to me, and scary. Which is one of the reasons I think I need the validation from the OM … to feel a little OK amidst all these other feelings of crap. I know I need to focus on repairing and improving myself rather than focusing on the casanova I seem to have gotten involved with. But it's tough, very tough.

[mimijiminy]

2sunny … yes, that how I felt after our last conversation… the only difference between me and a professional is that I am not getting paid. I cannot and will not settle for seeing him once in a blue and no contact in between. The information I just got is new which is why I am here…trying to work through it from advice and input from you guys. We're definitely using protection and even then I got tested for all sorts of things after the last time we were together. I am fine, physically anyway.

[lovinDKT3]

I think you would be better served asking yourself many of these questions. Like, if you don't intend on or want a divorce why risk it?

 

The validations needs in this situation I believe is because you know that your marriage is in trouble and its important that it was worth it. If OM cares for you then you can make more sense of it all. But since its seems that your simply sex on demand its hard to accept.

 

I was in a situation much like yours except I never loved the AP, I was addicted to the attention and validation it gave me. For as much as I didn't want the divorce it happened anyways. Now the whole thing seems so meaningless.

 

Deep down you know what the OM is about, cut it off and focus on your marriage and hopefully you don't have to travel the same road I did.

[mimijiminy]

True. I am getting that now -- needing the validation to make myself feel better/justified/ insert adjective here about about the whole mess. I, too, hope this doesn't end in divorce for either one of us. I am trying to focus on myself and my shortcomings.

 

This board has helped a lot and thank you to all -- please keep your replies coming.

 

I just heard from the OM…we had an earthquake here and somehow within minutes he heard about it, even before the news spread. Thankfully, there's no loss of life or major damage. (He's not where I am currently.) He was making sure I was OK. Which made me angry in a way. Not that I need anymore reason, but I would have rather he had not reached out which would have emphasized his douche-ness therefore making it easier for me to let it go.

[jesienna31]

True. I am getting that now -- needing the validation to make myself feel better/justified/ insert adjective here about about the whole mess. I, too, hope this doesn't end in divorce for either one of us. I am trying to focus on myself and my shortcomings.

 

This board has helped a lot and thank you to all -- please keep your replies coming.

 

I just heard from the OM…we had an earthquake here and somehow within minutes he heard about it, even before the news spread. Thankfully, there's no loss of life or major damage. (He's not where I am currently.) He was making sure I was OK. Which made me angry in a way. Not that I need anymore reason, but I would have rather he had not reached out which would have emphasized his douche-ness therefore making it easier for me to let it go.

 

I think he cares about you, since you guys developed connection that has lasted for sometime. There is defiantely bonding there to you on his part too, but it may be purely for selfish reasons.. as many times quotes here... to have his cake still available so it can be eaten. It does not however discard the fact that he do cares about you. I believe people can care and "love" in a way more then one person, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately in a way) we need to choose just one. He has chosen his wife and you have chosen your husband, but it doesn't mean you cannot care for someone else outside these relationships. it is just he will never give you what you need. He wants casual sex and casual connection going, as it severs his ego and his desires as much as it serves yours. These relationships are happy and fullfilling as long as two sides agree that there are no further expectations then casual relationship. Once the other person wants more, this is where it all start to go wrong. And of course as soon as a Dday come, you will as well realise how much you may or have lost. And I don't believe it is worth it.

[mimijiminy]

jesienna31 -- thanks to you, too for your input. I have come to accept him just using me for sex (and as someone else said here, I am doing the same) and that's not OK. While many on this board disagree, I do believe there is something deeper there but he's not willing to share it. He has his reasons, and I get that. But, he can care as much as he wants -- if i'm not feeling it or hearing it, it might as well not be there because then what's the point?

 

I'm not expecting promises and commitment and love and tenderness but I do expect a modicum of communication, or friendship really. This doesn't need to be the love affair of the century, nor do I want one, but so long as I'm not getting what I want … at this stage, it looks like this is over for me. I will make a point to see him again in person because it's only fair to me. I started it, and need to finish it through. I do not enjoy having tough talks over the phone or email. Whether or not he makes the effort to see me on his way back, that remains to be seen.

 

Thanks again.

[jesienna31]

jesienna31 -- thanks to you, too for your input. I have come to accept him just using me for sex (and as someone else said here, I am doing the same) and that's not OK. While many on this board disagree, I do believe there is something deeper there but he's not willing to share it. He has his reasons, and I get that. But, he can care as much as he wants -- if i'm not feeling it or hearing it, it might as well not be there because then what's the point?

 

I'm not expecting promises and commitment and love and tenderness but I do expect a modicum of communication, or friendship really. This doesn't need to be the love affair of the century, nor do I want one, but so long as I'm not getting what I want … at this stage, it looks like this is over for me. I will make a point to see him again in person because it's only fair to me. I started it, and need to finish it through. I do not enjoy having tough talks over the phone or email. Whether or not he makes the effort to see me on his way back, that remains to be seen.

 

Thanks again.

 

You are right, it should not matter for you if he cares of he doesn't care. if you don't feel comfortable being in this relationship for what it is, and you feel like you need more of "him", regardless if it is his presence or communication or sharing of emotions etc... then you need to end it for yourself. It simply does not work for you and make you question a lot of yourself here... For many people it is a struggle to end relationships even if it does not make them happy in any way. They just cling to the idea of the relationship rather then looking at it for what it truly is. Glad to see that you have clear view of what your expectations are and what you won't accept here. Stick to listening to yourself and being good and honest with yourself. These decisions are truly the best what you can do.

Edited May 24, 2014 by jesienna31

[spookysonata]

I think you know the answer.

 

I understand needing to matter, but the sad truth is that we don't matter to everyone. This is not to say anything bad about you; but him. He doesn't want anything more than some fun on the side, based on his actions toward you. But if were totally honest about that, he knows you'd probably throw a drink in his face and storm off, lol.

 

He's telling you just enough of what you need to hear to keep you hanging around, IMO. Do with that what you will. GL.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Perhaps he cares? But he certainly doesn't care ENOUGH. Not on the level you need. I see only heartbreak to follow. He is being clear, setting boundaries and you are in denial. Understandable that you would be. Most people have a hard time being intimate with someone and not feel attached. Bravo for being human. He however, I would avoid like the plague.

[mimijiminy]

Thanks again for the input. I try to reply as much as I can. Yes, he's is setting his limits -- which is fine, and he is entitled to it just as we all are. What's terrible is how he did it. Intentionally out to hurt me it felt like; whereas a simple, clinical conversation would have sufficed. We've known each other for several years and we work together -- he knows I am smart and don't have trouble with comprehension. "Thou doth protest too much" comes to mind … which is what makes me think he does care. I'm not convinced by the macho act. Caring enough? Certainly not.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thanks again for the input. I try to reply as much as I can. Yes, he's is setting his limits -- which is fine, and he is entitled to it just as we all are. What's terrible is how he did it. Intentionally out to hurt me it felt like; whereas a simple, clinical conversation would have sufficed. We've known each other for several years and we work together -- he knows I am smart and don't have trouble with comprehension. "Thou doth protest too much" comes to mind … which is what makes me think he does care. I'm not convinced by the macho act. Caring enough? Certainly not.

 

Yes, it is clear from the way you write that you are a smart woman. I also never got clear communication from my xMM and all he needed to do was afford me even a small little phone call to ease my heart. I just can't get past the fact that simple empathy acts just so that someone doesn't feel pain isn't at the forefront of these fellows minds. Care or not care, to me that is most important. Kindness to me, is important when in such a vulnerable place like giving your body over to another being. He could at least afford you comfort.

[mimijiminy]

To care or not care -- spot on. Right now, I'm not feeling it. That said, as much as I don't like it, I'm not yet ready to pull the plug. Not saying I'm hanging around waiting to hear from him again, just not going to do anything rash before I feel I can do it with dignity and integrity if that's possible in this situation.

 

There's a history here and I respect him professionally and always thought highly of him when we were "just friends." He did, too, I have no doubt. And it's kind of shocking how that seems to have disappeared after the sex started. But maybe it shouldn't be. Perhaps it's all too common that men lose respect toward the women they pursued, knowing they were married to begin with. Perhaps it's common that they freak out, and start behaving like a crazy person. This is my first A ever -- first time cheating while married, and have never been involved with a MM before the current MM -- so I'm not too familiar with how these things go.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Lol, it is also my first, and I can promise you I most definitely lost my head and flipped out. I scared my xMM I think. I just don't do affairs very well. I actually suffered "bad mistress" guilt. Haha (as too can see from my name, I too am married)

Edited May 25, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[mimijiminy]

Look at that We managed to find each other among all these threads … the two newbies to the game! Clearly I don't do this well, either, and have a feeling it'll be my last as well as first. I can't take the drama. Way too much of it for me. Hang in there.

[Popsicle]

Mimi, remember that you two knew each other for a couple of years or so and built a rapport. Remember that. This is not a situation where you're just a sex object or someone he has meaningless sex with. He just doesn't want to get caught and he's had some VERY close calls already and demands from W to stop talking to you. I bet if W had not found out, he would still be communicating with you more.

[mimijiminy]

remember that you two knew each other for a couple of years or so and built a rapport. Remember that.

 

Thank you Popsicle for taking the time to write … I do… which in a way make this tougher. As much as I remember, though, I am also trying to forget. Makes it easier getting over someone when you vilify them in your mind.