Wambo Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Is it possible for the 'cheater' to be jealous of the OM/OW in a post affair situation? This might be an odd question and even crazier to think about it. Someone who is willing to cheat during their marriage, etc, feel jealousy of their OM/OW leaving them and finding someone else? I think a lot of people like to demonise their MM/MW and some deserve this, however not everyone situation are the same and some affairs originally started off as great friendship. The reason why I'm asking is my exAP accidently stumble on me and a female colleague having a chat. I didn't realise to begin with but she was watching us at some distance and I have no intention in hurting her any further. Afterall we are both upset we have to leave each other alone and I don't want to accidently punish her. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 My stupid exMM would get jealous. When I ended things with him he cried and said he knew I'd not wait for him and that I'd find someone new and be married within 2 years. The cheater is quite capable of being jealous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 OMG, my ex-MM was SOOOO jealous DURING the affair that it was constant stress! If I did not answer the phone when he called or took too longer to answer a text or too many rings of the phone, he was SURE I was talking to some other man and then he would give me the silent treatment for days until I actually apologized for something I didn't do, just to get past it! It was insane! I wish I had a dime for every time he accused me of doing something I didn't do, with some other man. And I was the single one! The whole process just beat me into the ground to the point where I actually started to believe all his accusations and it shredded my self-esteem. I didn't leave him for another person so that doesn't apply to my situation, but yes, he told me after we broke up that he could not bear to hear about me with any other men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I think you will find it is very common for "both" cheaters to feel jealousy within and after an Affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 My AP and I both get jealous at the thought of being with someone outside of my marriage and his gf. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 She's your ex. It's not your job to put your life on hold for her or to worry about unintentionally hurting her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 Is it possible for the 'cheater' to be jealous of the OM/OW in a post affair situation? This might be an odd question and even crazier to think about it. Someone who is willing to cheat during their marriage, etc, feel jealousy of their OM/OW leaving them and finding someone else? I think a lot of people like to demonise their MM/MW and some deserve this, however not everyone situation are the same and some affairs originally started off as great friendship. The reason why I'm asking is my exAP accidently stumble on me and a female colleague having a chat. I didn't realise to begin with but she was watching us at some distance and I have no intention in hurting her any further. Afterall we are both upset we have to leave each other alone and I don't want to accidently punish her. You have got to understand by now, it just can't matter. She's married, she's not yours, guy are not hers, stop worrying about hurting her or punishing her. She has no say who you are allowed to talk to and she should be worrying about her home life. You have got to get to the point where you don't do things based on whether they affect her, but only do things with you in mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 Since you're so sensitive to not wanting to hurt, you must therefore stop all conversations with females, no smiles when you say hello. Nothing. Her feelings are most important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wambo Posted May 24, 2014 Author Share Posted May 24, 2014 You have got to understand by now, it just can't matter. She's NOT married, she's not yours, guy are not hers, stop worrying about hurting her or punishing her. She has no say who you are allowed to talk to and she should be worrying about her home life. You have got to get to the point where you don't do things based on whether they affect her, but only do things with you in mind. I think there's a difference between living my life and not doing it in front of her desk. We both work on different departments since the affair had ended and most of the time we hardly ever see each other. I'm happy living my life because she can't see me and I can't see her. The truth is I don't like being close to her because of my mix feelings towards our situation. I did this topic because I thought it strange these cheaters become jealous of their exAP/AP. They're willing to cheat on their marriage/relationship but it not acceptable for us to move on? It's amazing they think we are cheating on them or they want us to remain 100% loyal to them but they can't be loyal to us. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 That I can somewhat agree with and relate to. Xmw told me to leave her alone and never contact her, yet she always tried to get in my line of sight and stalked my Facebook page. Not the same but enough for me to relate to your last point 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucygolds Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 I can tell you that during my A that my exMOM had told me that he felt jealous a few times when I told him or he saw another man hitting on me. There were also times when I was a little jealous of another woman talking with him. We did not talk much about our spouses but I was even a llittle jealous of his wife at times. We go to the same gym and I know if I saw him with someone else there it would hurt. Now we only parted because his W found out and it has only been a month since dday but yes I would be jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
AmyBamy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 It's not any different than any other ex. I mean of course it's going to hurt them to see you with someone new after your relationship with them ended. They may have chosen to stay in a marriage that wasn't happy to begin with and may still be unhappy and unfulfilling which would make it doubly hurtful to see you move on and be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone else. My exMM has expressed jealousy about me dating but we are in kind of a weird situation since he is single now. But I was jealous of my ex husbands girlfriend after we divorced. Not really jealous of her but jealous that she could make it work with him and I couldn't. So more jealous of that connection that they had because had he and I had it we wouldn't have had to get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My MOM is very jealous, but he's in a tough situation. He and I haven't been at the same workplace for a long time, but a few of his friends/colleagues will see me once or twice a week at work, and will then go back and talk about me in front of him. Pretty much pig talk about my looks, or what they "would like to do" with me etc. and it sends him into an absolute rage. It's not their fault, they don't know we're together, they're just being guys, and he does play along convincingly when he sees them, but tells me that it really bothers him and he's had to walk away at times. As for me, I'm not the type to get jealous if we're together, even if someone were to hit on him in front of me I would laugh it off, but if we split up and I found out he was with someone else it probably would crush me. Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Mine wasn't jealous at all. He had no reason to be. I was single. When I wasn't talking to him, I was dealing with work/family. I actually think he would have preferred I found someone else...it was relieve his own guilt. I know he used to speculate that his wife was cheating. And he didn't care. It made him feel better to think he wasn't "the only bad one." Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I broke up with xMM three months ago and he's still jealous. Always has been. A few weeks ago he asked me if I was seeing someone. I'm not, but I did not share that information with him. He doesn't have the right to ask, and he doesn't have the right to know. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Cheaters are often times THE MOST jealous people there is... That's been my experience. Jealousy is nothing special though. My exAP was the MOST jealous man I've ever been with, even though he was a cheater. Likewise my dad is a serial cheater, with many offenses, and he is extremely jealous of my mom's male friends or any interactions she has with men. I think many cheaters are insecure people and people who because they know how they are, assume everyone is like them so it makes them very vigilant and jealous. It's also like kids and toys that they never play with but once their mom decides to give it away then they become adamant that it is "theirs"....I found my exAP to be extremely possessive, more than any other man I've dated, and in his mind I was HIS...regardless of him cheating or having a S/O. This was the source of much contention for us as I felt I could do what I wanted given the situation and he absolutely didn't feel the same and expected me to be 100% faithful to him. Even after a year of NC, he got back in touch and in one conversation he expressed he was sorry but no matter who I'm with, even if I got married to another man, I'm his....WTF?! So yea....jealousy of cheaters is common place and ultimately lots of it is selfishness and even if they don't want you or won't give you the relationship you need, they feel you are "theirs" and so will be upset/possessive over you. In any event, in normal breakups as well, it is normal to have residual feelings of jealousy when your ex seems to be moving on. I've experienced it myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wambo Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) This is something I don't get, I know APs look at Facebook pages of their MM MW but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to do that. And please tell me how you could possibly know. I can see no way anyone could find out you were looking at their Facebook page. I suffered with jealousy but I could not even bear to say BSs name let alone look at Facebook or Fakebook. My exAP knew I was snopping on her social profiles and so she blocked me. She knew somehow I learnt the truth and I must of been digging on her social media pages. Oh well because several months later she unblocked me. Posting near nude profile photos. And stole my work parking space. Gotta love those mind games. Anyway during our friendship and EA, she knew i hardly use facebook and most of our communication took place at work. Edited May 28, 2014 by Wambo Link to post Share on other sites
XenoMouse Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 i def experience a lot of jealousy from my exAP def during the affair. Anybody that i talked to or hung out with i was automatically sleeping with. I think its because to be involved in an affair you just don't really give a crap about boundaries and who knows this better than your AP so they assume the worst knowing what you're capable of. I will say that it is funny from a singles person pov...when my exMW would get jealous she knew she had no right to, but she would, so then she would try to hide it but it would come out anyway. The whole thing ends up being so confusing for each partner involved eventually you lose the whole fun and spark of why you started it and just end up dealing with the demons of addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
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