Why can't some people just let it go?

[AmyBamy]

My back story tl:dr version is I entered a relationship with a man who I did not know was married. Found out, waffled a bit, then ended it. He filed for divorce and wife is fighting divorce. Wife harassed me some and then was quiet, and then today.

 

I was out running some errands today which happened to put me in the vicinity of one of exMMs businesses. While waiting outside for an oil change on my car, exMM was next door at his business, outside also. He saw me, waved, and came over. I have had very little contact with him and honestly mostly because the wife is just too much drama with her behaviors and neediness to talk to me.

 

I couldn't leave, my car was up on a lift, lol. So, I was kind of stuck. When exMM came over he was obviously nervous because he knows I've been avoiding him to an extent. It was awkward at first but we quickly fell into the normal rhythm of our conversations. Easy and flowing just like they always were.

 

He gave me some updates on the wife fighting the divorce and I voiced my exhaustion with her and her antics and he agreed. As we are talking the wife drives up because she shows up at his work constantly. She was absolutely livid that he and I were standing on the border of the properties talking casually. She exploded. Had the kids in the car with her and seriously squealed to a stop, jumped out of the car leaving the door hanging open and just started screeching at both of us. It was a nice day and people were everywhere outside and she just has no understanding of how crazy she makes herself appear while both of us are calmly standing there.

 

She threatened me and told me to get off of her property. I wasn't on the property of his business which is only hers because she won't allow the divorce to happen. He had stepped over onto the neighboring business where I was. Of course that didn't register with her as she just assumes that I am following him around instead of the other way around. He was trying to get her to get in the car and leave, especially since the kids were in the car looking out the windows and hearing the whole thing. Her mouth is filthy too and she was flailing around like a lunatic.

 

The business that I was at, run by some friends of mine, called the police and told her to leave their property immediately. She then turned on them and began to tell them that I am a whore and etc. The guys that run the business I was at know me well and the one guy just told her straight out that her husband came over to me and not the other way around and she needed to get her facts straight before acting like a nut job. Ex MM continued to try to get her to think of the kids and leave and stop making a fool of herself.

 

The police came and they somewhat forcefully assisted her to her car. She finally got in her car with the kids and proceeded to squeal her tires and slam her brakes and drive like a crazy person out of the parking lot. The police followed her, pulled her back over after trying to give her a chance to leave without any consequences and some of her dignity. ExMM went down and got his kids, who are now crying and freaked out, and put them in his car to take them to his house as the police informed her that she needed to go cool off or she would be arrested for multiple things including failing to follow the directions of an officer of the law.

 

This whole thing is so ridiculous. I know she's hurt and mad. I know that she is struggling to figure out what to do with her life right now after finding out her husband was having an affair. But the thing is, I didn't know either! I only continued with him for like a week after I found out he was married as I tried to sort out my own feelings and figure out what to do and in that time I didn't even see him! I just hadn't officially ended it yet as I worked through my own stuff around it all.

 

Why won't she just let it go? Why is she insisting on making it worse than it is? Why doesn't she care about her kids and their well being? Why is she so self involved that she can't see clearly that it was not me or my fault? Why won't she just ****ing go away and leave me alone? They are getting divorced. It will happen whether she wants it to or not. She is going to end up losing her kids and she is already losing her support in the community because of her behaviors. People are avoiding her because she is acting so unhinged.

 

I could understand it if I had knowingly been in a relationship with exMM knowing he was married. I still would think it is ridiculous but I could at least understand her hatred and focus on me. But this? I just do not get it. I said very little during the whole thing. I mostly just looked at her with sadness because I cannot fathom being that out of control of myself that I would endanger children. I have gone through all the legal channels and have tried to show empathy for her and not pushed her at all. But I'm starting to get exhausted with her. It's been months already.

 

How would you guys handle this? ExMM knows that this is the main reason that I have so little to do with him and it pisses him off to no end that she continues to intrude on his life like this. Thoughts? Ideas? Thanks.

[Popsicle]

Send her this post in an email to let her know how you feel.

[Scorpio Chick]

Amybamy, do you have children? I'm assuming she had at least 2 children in the car, and I'm assuming they are under 18. I'm actually thinking they must be very young, since you say they were crying and freaking out. So are they under 10?

 

What you label her 'drama' is a completely understandable reaction from a woman who doesn't have the time or emotional strength and reserves right now to sit and filter out all the details of an affair her husband had. She may not know or even believe that you didn't know he was married. After all, look on LS how many people willingly step into an affair with a married person.

 

If I were you, to really raise YOUR reputation in the community and to actually PROVE CONCRETELY that you were just as duped as her, her by assuming her husband was being faithful to his vows, and you, by him lying to you about his marital status, and I would befriend her. After all, you have more in common with her, than you do with him. Your car might have been up on a lift, but I'd venture to say that if some hideous monster or creepy guy walked up to you, you wouldn't have stood there chatting away in a friendly manner. The truth is, what goes around, comes around, and one day you very well could be that woman, in the car, with young children, watching a man you made love with and got pregnant with at least twice, went through childbirth for, etc..etcc... and watching him talk to someone he had sex with while married to you. Try to be a little charitable towards her.

[jwi71]

My back story tl:dr version is I entered a relationship with a man who I did not know was married. Found out, waffled a bit, then ended it. He filed for divorce and wife is fighting divorce. Wife harassed me some and then was quiet, and then today.

 

I was out running some errands today which happened to put me in the vicinity of one of exMMs businesses. While waiting outside for an oil change on my car, exMM was next door at his business, outside also. He saw me, waved, and came over. I have had very little contact with him and honestly mostly because the wife is just too much drama with her behaviors and neediness to talk to me.

 

I couldn't leave, my car was up on a lift, lol. So, I was kind of stuck. When exMM came over he was obviously nervous because he knows I've been avoiding him to an extent. It was awkward at first but we quickly fell into the normal rhythm of our conversations. Easy and flowing just like they always were.

 

He gave me some updates on the wife fighting the divorce and I voiced my exhaustion with her and her antics and he agreed. As we are talking the wife drives up because she shows up at his work constantly. She was absolutely livid that he and I were standing on the border of the properties talking casually. She exploded. Had the kids in the car with her and seriously squealed to a stop, jumped out of the car leaving the door hanging open and just started screeching at both of us. It was a nice day and people were everywhere outside and she just has no understanding of how crazy she makes herself appear while both of us are calmly standing there.

 

She threatened me and told me to get off of her property. I wasn't on the property of his business which is only hers because she won't allow the divorce to happen. He had stepped over onto the neighboring business where I was. Of course that didn't register with her as she just assumes that I am following him around instead of the other way around. He was trying to get her to get in the car and leave, especially since the kids were in the car looking out the windows and hearing the whole thing. Her mouth is filthy too and she was flailing around like a lunatic.

 

The business that I was at, run by some friends of mine, called the police and told her to leave their property immediately. She then turned on them and began to tell them that I am a whore and etc. The guys that run the business I was at know me well and the one guy just told her straight out that her husband came over to me and not the other way around and she needed to get her facts straight before acting like a nut job. Ex MM continued to try to get her to think of the kids and leave and stop making a fool of herself.

 

The police came and they somewhat forcefully assisted her to her car. She finally got in her car with the kids and proceeded to squeal her tires and slam her brakes and drive like a crazy person out of the parking lot. The police followed her, pulled her back over after trying to give her a chance to leave without any consequences and some of her dignity. ExMM went down and got his kids, who are now crying and freaked out, and put them in his car to take them to his house as the police informed her that she needed to go cool off or she would be arrested for multiple things including failing to follow the directions of an officer of the law.

 

This whole thing is so ridiculous. I know she's hurt and mad. I know that she is struggling to figure out what to do with her life right now after finding out her husband was having an affair. But the thing is, I didn't know either! I only continued with him for like a week after I found out he was married as I tried to sort out my own feelings and figure out what to do and in that time I didn't even see him! I just hadn't officially ended it yet as I worked through my own stuff around it all.

 

Why won't she just let it go? Why is she insisting on making it worse than it is? Why doesn't she care about her kids and their well being? Why is she so self involved that she can't see clearly that it was not me or my fault? Why won't she just ****ing go away and leave me alone? They are getting divorced. It will happen whether she wants it to or not. She is going to end up losing her kids and she is already losing her support in the community because of her behaviors. People are avoiding her because she is acting so unhinged.

 

I could understand it if I had knowingly been in a relationship with exMM knowing he was married. I still would think it is ridiculous but I could at least understand her hatred and focus on me. But this? I just do not get it. I said very little during the whole thing. I mostly just looked at her with sadness because I cannot fathom being that out of control of myself that I would endanger children. I have gone through all the legal channels and have tried to show empathy for her and not pushed her at all. But I'm starting to get exhausted with her. It's been months already.

 

How would you guys handle this? ExMM knows that this is the main reason that I have so little to do with him and it pisses him off to no end that she continues to intrude on his life like this. Thoughts? Ideas? Thanks.

 

I would have, seeing as it was supposedly over, walked away from the MOM.

Especially knowing his W often appears at the businesses.

Even more so given your description of her prior behavior.

 

Why on Earth would you allow this circumstance to come to be - you KNEW it was a possible, perhaps even likely, outcome - yet persisted.

 

And all of this AFTER you ended it.

 

smh.

[AmyBamy]

Omg. Did you guys even read what I posted? I have tried to be nice to her. She is crazy period.

 

I have been cheated on. I did not act like that. And the girl that had an affair with my husband knew me and knew he was married when she started a relationship with him! I didn't even talk to her even though I knew all of that! I certainly didn't blame her and stalk her and act like a nut job!

 

I have been charitable to her. More so than I even feel I am obligated to be considering the circumstances. The fact that none of you that posted in her defense are even willing to admit that her behaviors are nuts is exactly why people feel that they are justified in acting like this. She literally put her children's physical safety in danger, and over what? Her soon to be ex husband talking to a girl that had NO IDEA that he was married and had a relationship with him. How can that not sound crazy to you?!

 

Are you all BSs? Because I am a former BS and I see no justification for her behaviors at all. Yes, I could have went into the noisy filthy shop to get away from him, but I didn't want to. We probably talked for a total of 5 minutes before she showed up. I am not going to avoid having things done with businesses I am comfortable with because she cannot control herself and it's ludicrous that you suggest that! I am not out of control and I am minding my own business I have every right to patronize whatever business I choose without being harassed by a crazy person!

 

His children are not under 10 years old. Their mother is losing her **** in front of them and it freaks them out so they cry. Nobody else in this situation was out of control only her.

 

And just so you know, the shop is open. The only place I could go was inside under my car and that's ridiculous to think that I would need to do that to avoid this kind of craziness. How can you justify that? Honestly.

[AmyBamy]

Send her this post in an email to let her know how you feel.

 

She and I have spoken numerous times. She knows and I have given her proof. And I have told her how I feel and what I think. She won't stop until she hears what she WANTS to hear and what she wants to hear is not the truth so she will never be satisfied. I told her the truth, I showed her the proof, and she still insists on living in her fairy tale imagination of what she wants and wishes to be true.

[AmyBamy]

Amybamy, do you have children? I'm assuming she had at least 2 children in the car, and I'm assuming they are under 18. I'm actually thinking they must be very young, since you say they were crying and freaking out. So are they under 10?

 

No, they aren't under 10.

 

What you label her 'drama' is a completely understandable reaction from a woman who doesn't have the time or emotional strength and reserves right now to sit and filter out all the details of an affair her husband had. She may not know or even believe that you didn't know he was married. After all, look on LS how many people willingly step into an affair with a married person.

 

No, it's not "understandable". It was somewhat understandable months ago, but now? No. She has PROOF that I had no idea he was married and that I ended it when I found out.

 

If I were you, to really raise YOUR reputation in the community and to actually PROVE CONCRETELY that you were just as duped as her, her by assuming her husband was being faithful to his vows, and you, by him lying to you about his marital status, and I would befriend her.

Not going to happen. I tried to be nice to her. I have spoken at length to her multiple times even when she has been so crazy and drunk that I can barely understand her slurring and sobbing. Anyone that knows me knows that I would not knowingly have an affair with a married man. Anyone who doesn't know that I don't care what they think about me.

 

After all, you have more in common with her, than you do with him. No, I definitely do not. After speaking with her multiple times and at length she and I have nothing in common aside from we were lied to by the same man. End of the story.

 

Your car might have been up on a lift, but I'd venture to say that if some hideous monster or creepy guy walked up to you, you wouldn't have stood there chatting away in a friendly manner.

Well sure, had I felt threatened. Or, if I was on HIS property. But I wasn't and I don't feel the need to hide in a dirty noisy shop because she can't handle her life.

 

The truth is, what goes around, comes around, and one day you very well could be that woman, in the car, with young children, watching a man you made love with and got pregnant with at least twice, went through childbirth for, etc..etcc... and watching him talk to someone he had sex with while married to you. Try to be a little charitable towards her.

 

I have been married to a man that had an affair. And you know what? I didn't act like that. I didn't stalk her or threaten her or lose control of myself. I didn't blame her even though she knew he was married and knew me personally. So no, still not an excuse to act like a freaking crazy person. She needs to handle her **** seriously.

[AmyBamy]

I would have, seeing as it was supposedly over, walked away from the MOM.

Especially knowing his W often appears at the businesses.

Even more so given your description of her prior behavior.

 

See above why I did not. My car was almost done. I knew it wouldn't be long. There were people everywhere and I did not feel threatened nor should I feel threatened simply having my damn oil changed. Perfectly normal thing for me to do with no reason for anyone to find offense. It's not like he and I were having sex there in the parking lot. We were TALKING. Jesus christ.

 

Why on Earth would you allow this circumstance to come to be - you KNEW it was a possible, perhaps even likely, outcome - yet persisted.

 

Because I have every right to have my oil changed wherever and whenever I want without being harassed and affronted.

 

And all of this AFTER you ended it.

 

I did end it. Meaning I'm not having sex with him, I'm not calling him or accepting his calls. Just because I ended it doesn't mean that he and I aren't going to run into each other sometimes and speak. You guys are seriously reaching here trying to say that I have to go into the witness protection program because this crazy lady's husband lied to her and to me. Does that really make sense to you? Really? Or are you just hell bent on defending the BS no matter the situation or what she does?

 

smh.

 

 

Smh indeed.

[AmyBamy]

Here is my question to the responses I've gotten so far. Why in the hell should everyone have to tiptoe around her for fear of her crazy reactions? What good does that do anyone? Why are you fragilizing her so much? We are all human and we all have feelings and thoughts but we don't all act like crazy people. What is your reasoning for that? Why does she get some kind of pass to break the law and act crazy? Because she was lied to? Are you kidding me? Who hasn't been lied to? I've been lied to and betrayed by a husband too, so what? Does that give her a pass to do whatever she wants? And if so for how long? I mean, really, what is the statute of limitation on "you can do whatever the hell you want to whomever you want, including endangering your children, for X amount of time"... what's the time limit? Years? Decades?

 

Come on people, be serious here. Stop reflexively defending bad behavior for one person because of their label in an affair. It's ridiculous and you know it.

[Scorpio Chick]

Amybamy, my apologies if you have talked with her, etc...

 

If she continues to harass you (but you can't count at the business) then my recommendation is to get a restraining order. Just because you didn't act 'crazy' when you were betrayed does not mean others will be the same, obviously. I'm not a betrayed spouse, my story, or reason for checking LS out is different than that and I may post about it soon. It doesn't matter, I am a fair person. I do have one ex that I have a child with, and he would tell people I was crazy too. So because I know I'm not, I am always careful to not accept that automatically when the people emotionally involved in a situation label others in the situation as 'crazy'. She might not be handling her impending divorce gracefully, but that doesn't mean she's crazy, just extremely heartbroken and angry. If she were harassing a complete stranger, then she could be called 'crazy'.

 

No matter what though, you don't deserve to be harassed, I certainly agree with that. If she continues to seek you out and yell, curse, send inappropriate texts, I would get a restraining order.

Edited May 24, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow. It's just amazing that people would actually defend this type of behavior. That 'BS' title really gives people a lot of leeway.

 

No one should have to live their life avoiding confrontations with people like this who cannot control themselves. I feel sorry for her kids.

 

I will just say this, rather than call her crazy: from your description here, her behavior is way over the line, is damaging to her kids, and ultimately will damage her character and respect from others. It is not 'understandable' in any sense of the word.

 

Time will probably calm it down. In the meantime, you never know what people will do, so even though you shouldn't have to alter your life to avoid these situations, you might be safer if you do.

[Tayla]

Talk about missing the boat! The op is mis-directing the responsible persons. The hubby is so innocent as is she. Only the soon to be x wife is irrational. I've no doubt that playing posseum works in the animal world, pretend innocence and nieveness. A lady would have NOT spoken to the guy. As my lawyer told me, unless you are under court order you dont have to interact with anyone! So the behavior is easy to solve. Having zero empathy and garnering the victim stance is common to these scenarios

[chelsea2011]

Here is my question to the responses I've gotten so far. Why in the hell should everyone have to tiptoe around her for fear of her crazy reactions? What good does that do anyone? Why are you fragilizing her so much? We are all human and we all have feelings and thoughts but we don't all act like crazy people. What is your reasoning for that? Why does she get some kind of pass to break the law and act crazy? Because she was lied to? Are you kidding me? Who hasn't been lied to? I've been lied to and betrayed by a husband too, so what? Does that give her a pass to do whatever she wants? And if so for how long? I mean, really, what is the statute of limitation on "you can do whatever the hell you want to whomever you want, including endangering your children, for X amount of time"... what's the time limit? Years? Decades?

 

Come on people, be serious here. Stop reflexively defending bad behavior for one person because of their label in an affair. It's ridiculous and you know it.

 

No, it does not give her a pass. I would tell him to stay away from you until he gets his own life straightened out. Shoo. He created the problem and he needs to stop letting it spill over into other peoples lives. Yikes.

[Hope Shimmers]

Talk about missing the boat! The op is mis-directing the responsible persons. The hubby is so innocent as is she. Only the soon to be x wife is irrational. I've no doubt that playing posseum works in the animal world, pretend innocence and nieveness. A lady would have NOT spoken to the guy. As my lawyer told me, unless you are under court order you dont have to interact with anyone! So the behavior is easy to solve. Having zero empathy and garnering the victim stance is common to these scenarios

 

It isn't about blame. It's about behaving appropriately, especially around children. Being hurt is not a pass to act that way, especially by putting others at risk. If it were, I would have been behaving like a crazy woman all over town for about the last five years.

 

There is no reason that people cannot have civilized conversations with each other and that they should have to avoid it because there might be an incident like this.

[Journee]

I think some people just feel so out of control they don't know how to act. She might look back on this and really be ashamed of her behavior in those moments. Right now, she's not coping well. That's obvious. People talk about the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions all the time on these boards. BS should be held to the same standard. Being hurt doesn't give one carte blanche to act out in any way they want. It would be nice to just throw a tantrum every now and again but that's not how it works often times.

 

She's mad at the world. She's confused. She's scared. She's alone now. She's in a tailspin.

 

It's a bad deal for all of you but honestly... that's life. At a certain point (I don't know when that is, as it's different for everyone) she will have to make the decision to move on. You (general) may not "feel" like doing it but it must happen.

 

Their kid's will never forget that scene. Not ever.

 

There just aren't easy answers and I'm not about to tell you where to get your vehicle serviced. I do hope she can get a hold of herself enough to see the damage they BOTH are inflicting on their kid's.

 

I'm sorry this is continuing for you.

[gettingstronger]

She'll run out of steam eventually until then for your own sanity, stay as far from the mms business as you can. Best to avoid drama whenever you can. As for why she is acting like this, it's because she's hurt. She'll heal and move on eventually.

[whatatangledweb]

I see things a little differently than the other posters. She had spoke with you several times. It would seem she did believe you. I would say in her mind if she was you and had been lied to by a mm that you would hate him or avoid him. So she sees you together. This makes her feel like she was you lied to her. She would feel like a fool all over again. In that state of mind she would believe the affair was ongoing and caused her to go off like that. I am not saying that what she did was okay. Just giving a different point of view.

[jellybean89]

Since you have no idea what he has told her, instead of insisting she is xyz, why not just show empathy?

 

Just because she isn't acting like YOU previously have when you were cheated on doesn't mean squat. She is different than you and you have no idea what she has been told nor what her marriage was like. Sure, the cheater gave you his version of things; but did you even stop to think that maybe he is a.. LIAR? You willingly engaged yourself with a man who didn't tell you he was married, right? You took time after finding out that he was married to decide what to do (continue seeing him or end it).

 

Why in the world would you even presume to think she will lose her kids? Because she is having issues with her husband and the woman he had an affair with and she isn't reacting in a manner in which you deem appropriate? Gimme a break.

 

You aren't her. She isn't you. Maybe her entire world was wrapped up in her marriage? Maybe she never envisioned her marriage ending? Maybe she is scared to death how she is going to go on?

 

I have read so many stories on here about OW who contemplate suicide after the affair ends. They cannot function! They aren't the ones who were courted, engaged and married to the man they saw themselves growing old with. They had, at best, a part time relationship with a married man. They were hidden or a secret. They didn't give birth to the cheater's kids! They didn't sweat over paying for daycare, the mortgage, the water bill. They didn't pace the floor with a sick baby, didn't rub the tummy of a vomitting toddler. The wife did this.

 

yet the wife, in your mind, is supposed to just bow out, turn the other cheek, go away and leave the poor, poor cheating husband alone? Doesn't matter that he lied to her time and time again? Doesn't matter that he made her think she was crazy when she had suspicions? For all you know, he tells his wife how you came onto him, how he rejected you and you didn't take no for an answer. You didn't care that he was married; you didn't care that he had a family with her.

 

The point is - you don't know squat about what went on/goes on behind their closed doors.

 

Is she acting out? YEP, big time. But she is a woman who has had her entire life implode and she has no idea how to handle it. She has children to take care of, a home to run, possibly a job outside the home too. What she sees is her husband the the woman he had an affair with, chatting it up and potentially rubbing her nose in their affair. She has no idea. Just like you have no idea what is going on in her head.

 

You don't have to befriend her, care about her or even be decent to her. But you can have empathy for her and you can chose to stop interacting with her husband. All auto places have customer waiting rooms. You easily could have stayed inside while your car was getting it oil changed -- especially knowing full well that you were right next door to the MM's business. You could have chosen to not engage in conversation with him - especially knowing how raw his wife's emotions are right now and knowing you were somewhere that she frequents. Instead, you made choices that ended up being a part of major drama that all could have been avoided.

 

She isn't wrong for feeling what she is feeling. Maybe she isn't acting like YOU would act in the same situation; but that doesn't mean she is wrong. She's just different and you don't get to decide how she should act and react. You aren't the sole cause of her anger and hurt; her husband owns 50% of that (or I am sure you will say he owns 100% since he married her and took vows with her where as you didn't). But she loves him - not you.

 

This situation is still 'new' for her. Just because your feelings for the MM are over, doesn't mean hers should be. Again, read the threads in the OW/OM section -- there are OW who are pining for the MM for years! Yet you expect this wife/mother to just be 'over it' and 'let it go' after only months of finding out the life she knew is over and she has a very scaring future ahead of her (not what she had planned). Show some empathy for her.

[Speakingofwhich]

I know what the BS is going through as some of you others may, too. I went through it myself. It's horrible. A person can feel like behaving in extreme ways when an H is leaving and he's had an A.

 

But, that's where self control comes in. Or should come in.

 

This woman's behavior was totally inappropriate, even had her children not been there. With her children present it was way beyond inappropriate.

[HermioneG]

This man is not your friend. I cannot understand speaking to him at all, let alone discussing his wife.

 

She probably thought you were discussing her, and by your own admission, you were.

 

She was absolutely wrong to react so overtly.

 

But I assume since you claim that you were cheated on previously, that you understand the pain of someone you love devastating you. Heck, I would assume that you understand that since this man also did it to you.

 

Her behavior was not okay. But neither was yours. Or his. You two should not have been conversing today, and the best way to avoid situations like this is not to get into places where they can occur.

 

But the bad behavior of the day award goes to the MM. Discussing her with you, at this point, is incredibly low class. Icky.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have read so many stories on here about OW who contemplate suicide after the affair ends. They cannot function! They aren't the ones who were courted, engaged and married to the man they saw themselves growing old with.

 

Actually - yes, some of us were 'courted and engaged to the man they saw themselves growing old with'.

 

They had, at best, a part time relationship with a married man. They were hidden or a secret.

 

No, she had the part-time relationship. And I was never hidden.

 

They didn't give birth to the cheater's kids!

Yes, I did give birth to the "cheater's kids". I gave birth to his only daughter. She died at birth.

 

They didn't sweat over paying for daycare, the mortgage, the water bill. They didn't pace the floor with a sick baby, didn't rub the tummy of a vomitting toddler. The wife did this.

 

No, unfortunately, his wife never did this. Ever.

 

The point is - you don't know squat about what went on/goes on behind their closed doors.

 

Neither do you.

 

This post obviously triggered you big-time given your response. This woman is an adult and should act like one around her kids. That is the only issue here. It is not about assigning blame, which is all you did in your post.

[AmyBamy]

Okay, let's clear a few things up. I was NOT at his business. I was at a business next door to one that he owns. The business I was at has nothing to do with him or her. It is my normal mechanic and has been for the past 13 years. I'm not going to start taking my car to someone else that I don't know and don't trust because she can't handle me breathing. Sorry, I'm just not. I was outside of the business in the parking lot waiting on my car to be finished. I was aware that exMM was outside next door. I was minding my own business, texting on my phone and generally enjoying the weather with my back to exMM. ExMM came over to me and I did respond to him instead of running away into the shop under my car. I have no reason to not talk to him. We weren't having some in depth convo about our feelings, it was very casual talk and I don't care what her issues are I can talk to whomever I choose to talk to. If she can't handle it that is HER problem not mine.

 

Secondly - SHE told me what exMM said to her. So unless she lied to me about all of that in the hours that she sobbed and slurred and I listened then I DO know what went on in their marriage because I heard it from HER. He has never spoken to me about it except after I ended it and then just in general. She is the one that gave me the details and the ins and outs. Why would she lie to me about it?

 

The deal is that they ARE getting divorced. She has to handle it one way or the other. The other part of that is that he can talk to anyone he so chooses and there isn't a damn thing she can do about it. That's the reality of it period.

 

I know that she is hurt and angry. I have spoken with her about that and supported her on that even though I was also hurt and angry and she gave me no such understanding or commiseration. I have went above and beyond to be nice to her and to help her through this as much as I can. But I did NOT KNOW that he was married and I have my own life and **** to deal with. I can't carry her through her damn life too while trying to handle my own. I have my own stuff to think about and feel and get angry and upset about regarding him and I don't expect anyone else to hold my damn hand while I do it - I just do it!

 

She is going to lose her kids over this **** and that's the truth. The police filed a report on her today and that WILL go to the courthouse for the divorce since one of the things that she is really fighting is the custody time because she wants him to have none. Guess whose going to get none now? She isn't doing anything but digging her own hole and once she's in there I hope it comforts her to know that she "had the right" to do so, I'm sure that will feel comforting when she is completely alone, without her children because of her own actions. She even told me that she is not angry that he is divorcing her she wanted to divorce him as soon as the kids were "old enough". She was just mad that he had the affair and that he divorced her "because of me" in her mind. She told me she would have been perfectly happy had he had an affair with me until she could divorce him later as long as nobody knew about it!

 

Thing is she is making sure everyone knows about it now. I don't rub it in her face, I have my own issues with him. I don't flaunt it all over and brag about it I was just as mortified as she was to find out he was having an affair with me! I have done NOTHING to her. The reason she comes up in our conversations is because of **** like this. He is going to date other people. She can act like this forever if she wants but she's going to end up in jail or locked up in a mental institution seriously. All because her plan to divorce him didn't pan out?

 

I have a restraining order on her. I haven't been keeping it strict because I do feel sorry for her. But god damn, I didn't do anything wrong and there is absolutely no reason that she should be targeting me at all. She can't handle him talking to me? Then yell at him for christ's sake. The more she acts like this the more empathy I have for him and it seriously makes me question why I'm not dating him now because I can see that he has some valid damn reason for having an affair. If this is how she reacts to divorce no wonder he avoided it as long as he could!

 

I will go to whatever business I choose. I will continue to do business with the businesses that I trust and know. I don't use their businesses and never have and won't start now. I am never on his property, never. I do not seek him out. I'm not the one calling him. I am living my life and even going on dates with other people. If he and I are ever "together" it's because he is the one seeking me out. I'm sure that hurts her feelings but it's not my fault! And if she can't give me one ounce of respect then why in the hell should I consider her feelings at all?

[AmyBamy]

And ps - I stood outside because it's a very small shop. There aren't seats inside and there are benches outside. The inside is smelly and dirty bc it's a shop and it was a gorgeous day. I didn't see him out there when I first went out, noticed him after I had already sat down. He isn't always at this business so I didn't "know" he would be there. He is just there randomly at different times on different days. Just so happened he was at his while I was having my car fixed. Seriously. The fact that some of you think I should hole up and change everything in my life because her husband lied to BOTH OF US is ridiculous.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

The fact that some of you think I should hole up and change everything in my life because her husband lied to BOTH OF US is ridiculous.

 

I'm sorry but reconsidering where you get your oil changed is hardly a life altering decision that will affect the course of your entire existence. It's a small thing to avoid potential drama for a while so really, where's the harm in it?

[AmyBamy]

Since you have no idea what he has told her, instead of insisting she is xyz, why not just show empathy? She told me, he didn't. Everything I know about their marriage comes straight from her mouth.

 

Just because she isn't acting like YOU previously have when you were cheated on doesn't mean squat. She is different than you and you have no idea what she has been told nor what her marriage was like. Sure, the cheater gave you his version of things; but did you even stop to think that maybe he is a.. LIAR? You willingly engaged yourself with a man who didn't tell you he was married, right? You took time after finding out that he was married to decide what to do (continue seeing him or end it).

I took a week to figure out what to do because MY world had been turned upside down too. I was hurt and betrayed and didn't see him or talk to him in that time. I don't have HIS version of anything, I have hers. I didn't even know she existed until he and I were well into a relationship.

 

Why in the world would you even presume to think she will lose her kids? Because she is having issues with her husband and the woman he had an affair with and she isn't reacting in a manner in which you deem appropriate? Gimme a break.

Because she is fighting the custody arrangement that he wants and now there is police record that she endangered them. She is going to lose the kids I can guarantee that. She might even have a protective order against her as I type this because he was headed to the police station after he took his kids to his house. She is the one causing this **** to happen. Not me and not him, it is entirely her.

 

You aren't her. She isn't you. Maybe her entire world was wrapped up in her marriage? Maybe she never envisioned her marriage ending? Maybe she is scared to death how she is going to go on? Agreed. Her plan to divorce him later didn't work out and I'm sure she is freaking out as she has shown me multiple times since this whole thing exploded. I'm not saying that she needs to be like me. I'm just saying that she needs to get a handle on herself because she is a freaking mother and an adult and that's what we do when things hit the fan. We HANDLE it.

 

I have read so many stories on here about OW who contemplate suicide after the affair ends. They cannot function! They aren't the ones who were courted, engaged and married to the man they saw themselves growing old with. They had, at best, a part time relationship with a married man. They were hidden or a secret. They didn't give birth to the cheater's kids! They didn't sweat over paying for daycare, the mortgage, the water bill. They didn't pace the floor with a sick baby, didn't rub the tummy of a vomitting toddler. The wife did this. I was courted. I DID NOT KNOW SHE EXISTED. To my knowledge he was free and clear and we were creating a relationship that seemed as if it was going to last. You have no idea if I have given birth to his children or if I am pregnant at this very moment. We did "play house" together because we were a couple and as far as I knew there was no wife and no kids.

 

yet the wife, in your mind, is supposed to just bow out, turn the other cheek, go away and leave the poor, poor cheating husband alone? Doesn't matter that he lied to her time and time again? Doesn't matter that he made her think she was crazy when she had suspicions? For all you know, he tells his wife how you came onto him, how he rejected you and you didn't take no for an answer. You didn't care that he was married; you didn't care that he had a family with her. She doesn't have to bow out or leave him alone but for ****'s sake, why can't she leave me alone? He didn't make her think she was crazy, she told me that HERSELF. He didn't tell her I came onto him or any of that. I don't know where you got all this but you are dead wrong. She told me that he came to her, told her he was in love with me, and wanted a divorce and was going to be with me. Then I found out that she existed. She has seen the proof that I had no idea that he was married.

 

The point is - you don't know squat about what went on/goes on behind their closed doors. And unless she's a liar and told me all lies about their marriage then I know a hell of a lot more than you are assuming.

 

Is she acting out? YEP, big time. But she is a woman who has had her entire life implode and she has no idea how to handle it. She has children to take care of, a home to run, possibly a job outside the home too. What she sees is her husband the the woman he had an affair with, chatting it up and potentially rubbing her nose in their affair. She has no idea. Just like you have no idea what is going on in her head. Look. We all have **** happen to us that is horrible. We all have to deal with things like betrayal and lying and death and just bull**** in life that's just ****ing life. We all have to see our exes talking to people that we don't like. The difference is we all don't become absolutely neurotic about it and endanger our children's lives and make fools out of ourselves. Why is that? Because at this age - and she is 20 years older than me or something - we just ****ing handle it.

 

You don't have to befriend her, care about her or even be decent to her. But you can have empathy for her and you can chose to stop interacting with her husband. All auto places have customer waiting rooms. You easily could have stayed inside while your car was getting it oil changed -- especially knowing full well that you were right next door to the MM's business. You could have chosen to not engage in conversation with him - especially knowing how raw his wife's emotions are right now and knowing you were somewhere that she frequents. Instead, you made choices that ended up being a part of major drama that all could have been avoided. I have been decent to her more than decent. I do not interact with him any more than he approaches me. And no, this shop does not have a waiting room. They have a small room that has the cash register and that's it and it was open and hot and smelly in there while it was gorgeous outside. He isn't always at his business next door it's not like he's there every day. It's always a chance he will be there, but he is more often than not NOT there. And, I didn't know that she frequents there until today when he said something about it to the police while telling them that she is showing up at multiple of his businesses every day. That's stalking and it's not normal. Sorry.

 

She isn't wrong for feeling what she is feeling. Maybe she isn't acting like YOU would act in the same situation; but that doesn't mean she is wrong. She's just different and you don't get to decide how she should act and react. You aren't the sole cause of her anger and hurt; her husband owns 50% of that (or I am sure you will say he owns 100% since he married her and took vows with her where as you didn't). But she loves him - not you. I never said she is wrong in her feelings. I am saying she is wrong in how she is expressing him. We teach children that feeling angry is normal and okay but hitting is not. It's the same exact thing. She can feel hurt and angry and whatever she wants to feel. That does not give her some kind of free pass to act in any manner she deems okay simply because she is having feelings, give me a break.

 

This situation is still 'new' for her. Just because your feelings for the MM are over, doesn't mean hers should be. Again, read the threads in the OW/OM section -- there are OW who are pining for the MM for years! Yet you expect this wife/mother to just be 'over it' and 'let it go' after only months of finding out the life she knew is over and she has a very scaring future ahead of her (not what she had planned). Show some empathy for her.

 

I'm not expecting her to be over it, but I am expecting her to handle it like a freaking adult! I don't think that's too much to ask from an adult. I have shown empathy and it has gotten me nothing but more of her craziness and drama. I will not be showing any more towards her. Sorry she has used up her free get out of jail cards with me. I have to draw the line when she starts to attack me when I am doing NOTHING WRONG and simply taking care of every day life things that I have to take care of.

 

It is not my job to die or go away so that she can function. It is her job to handle her own **** legally and to live her life with things she doesn't like just like every damn person in the world does every damn day. I will be from here on out enforcing the restraining order to its full extent. Every time she calls me, I will call the police and report it. Every time she attempts to talk to me anywhere, I will call the police. If I am eating at a restaurant and she comes in, I will call the cops. I am DONE. I have tried to listen to her, I have tried to be nice, I have been understanding and she has done none of that in reverse towards me even though he lied to me too and I had no idea that he had a wife. Why don't you expect her to be understanding to me too?

 

And I DO feel sorry for him. How could I not after all of this? I was pretty hard on him initially because I was telling him that there was never any reason for an affair that if he was unhappy he should have just left. Look what leaving has gotten him and his kids? Seriously. Her actions make me actually consider forgiving him for being dishonest with me initially.