Why can't some people just let it go?

[AmyBamy]

The part of what you said that doesn't hold water is that you're still friendly with the MM. Why? You yourself said it was mostly his fault. So why are you still liking him. And you should stay far, far away from his vicinity. I don't buy that that was the only place in town you could have gone to. I think you are sneaking around wanting to run into him. His wife's world has been blown apart and there's kids on the line. Whatever her actions are, I wouldn't fault her. Have some respect and accept your part in this and leave them both alone. Do not try to befriend her. That's just creepy.

 

Lol. It's not the only place I can have things done. It's the only place I WANT to have things done to my car. I don't have that right because someone's husband cheated on them? Really?

 

Trust me, I 'm not sneaking around anywhere because I don't need to sneak around I'm a single free person and I can and do go wherever I choose. He owns multiple businesses in town and I'd have to move to avoid him and I'm not moving. She can move if it's so hard for her rme.

 

He is a separated and soon to be divorced man so he doesn't need to sneak around either. At the end of the day if he and I want to stand in the parking lot and make out we can and she has no right to say a word about it because they are not going to be married soon and he and I are both consenting adults.

 

Her world isn't blown apart she just isn't ready for the divorce because she thought she had a few more years and he decided he couldn't stay that long. That's what she is mad about. She said herself that she wanted to divorce him but on her terms and he didn't allow that. That's what is upsetting her and the fact that he told her that he loves me.

 

I am friendly with him bc I choose to be and I have that right. That is the first time he and I have talked in ages, months. We have had no physical contact at all. She is being ridiculous.

[AmyBamy]

OP, you might gain some clues from examining their case summary. Dates and types of filings can match up with actions relevant to 'why'. I mention this because you asked why some people can't let it go, in this case apparently even with a RO in place. The divorce process for some can be very contentious and can lend clues and its summary is generally available to the public.

 

We have mutual friends and I hear about the developments from time to time. Mostly it's the custody thing. If he gets the 50/50 custody that he wants then the court is saying that he doesn't have to pay her as much child support and she wants to have more custody so that he has to pay more child support. She is dependent on his income to live the lifestyle she has become accustomed to and she does not want to give that up.

 

their divorce information is available online but I don't look at it. I had removed myself from their situation and up until yesterday have had very little to no contact with him. She contacts me more than he does.

 

I think that she will be in violation of the RO by contacting me last night. Previously I haven't reported phone calls becuase they are easily ignored but I plan on reporting these today. I've reached my limit with her antics.

[AmyBamy]

Not everyone gets over affairs quickly. Just because you got over your ex-husband's affair rather quickly and divorced as such, doesn't mean she should/will. People heal at different speeds. Clearly this woman is going through things. She shouldn't have acted like that, but obviously she is in a lot of pain.

 

I'm not expecting her to get over it. All I am asking is that she handle herself like a rational adult. I really don't feel like that is too much to ask of another adult. Especially considering the circumstances around my "affair" with her husband.

[2sunny]

You listen to your friends tell you things - which may or may not make it true.

 

Why do you discount every suggestion here like you're the one who is angry?

 

Keep in mind - he is the one who initially lied to you.

[AmyBamy]

No, it does not give her a pass. I would tell him to stay away from you until he gets his own life straightened out. Shoo. He created the problem and he needs to stop letting it spill over into other peoples lives. Yikes.

 

Trust me if he could control her reactions and behaviors he would for the sake of his kids. And this is going to be unpopular but this kind of behavior is exactly why he wanted a divorce in the first place but was afraid to do so.

 

It boggles my mind that she can't see that her craziness makes her very difficult to be around and certainly difficult to be married to I'm sure.

 

He and I are not seeing each other. Yesterday was the first time we have been physically near each other in months. He came over to say hello and we had a small chat before she showed up. He knows that she is the main reason I am not anywhere near him at any time. And of course yesterday's incident just reinforced that for me and he is pissed about it because he knows it.

[AmyBamy]

You listen to your friends tell you things - which may or may not make it true.

 

Why do you discount every suggestion here like you're the one who is angry?

 

Keep in mind - he is the one who initially lied to you.

 

What suggestions am I discounting? That I should rearrange my whole life because she can't handle hers? If so then yes I'm discounting that because that is ridiculous. You don't give a child their way because they throw a tantrum.

 

I know he lied to me. That is well established. We ALL know he lied to me. I'm not forgetting that.

 

I'm not angry I'm frustrated that another adult is so unhinged that her craziness is affecting my daily life. There is no reason that I should not be able to go to my mechanic and have my car worked on and sit outside in the sunshine without harassment. None.

[2sunny]

I think you are angry at her because she holds the power. Her power keeps you from seeing him... Her power and her control is making you angry.

[AmyBamy]

You listen to your friends tell you things - which may or may not make it true.

 

Why do you discount every suggestion here like you're the one who is angry?

 

Keep in mind - he is the one who initially lied to you.

 

And she gives me more information than anyone else does. She has told me more about their marriage and life than he ever has or my friends ever have. She insists on contacting me despite a restraining order and telling me all about her thoughts and feelings. She is the one that keeps making contact with me, not the other way around. Unless of course I'm also supposed to remove myself from wherever she happens to be to you know save her feelings for her. rme. Of course in all of this she hasn't once considered my feelings but because she was the wife she gets a pass even though I had NO IDEA that she existed. AGain can't do much but rme.

[AmyBamy]

I think you are angry at her because she holds the power. Her power keeps you from seeing him... Her power and her control is making you angry.

 

No. I'm frustrated with her because she can't control herself and what should be a normal uneventful activity for me turns into a chaotic police involved circus because of her inability to control herself.

 

Not angry at all. Just tired and want to live my life without the complication of her drama. And I'm not sure that she has any power as you suggest. But I'm not power struggling with her so I don't know.

[veritas lux mea]

Again there was nowhere to walk away to. And I already said I don't mind talking to him. I can't believe that people really think that I am responsible for her actions! Does that mean that she is responsible for his actions? Because if so then I'm pretty upset with her too for making him have an affair with me!

 

Dis you actually read my post or are you just jumping on the part where I actually personaly think you would have been better to walk away when se showed up. Unless you were actually in a corner I really can't see how you couldn't just walk down the street or step into a "dirty" little hip to remove yourself from her freak out. I didn't blame you for her freak out and I wasn't saying do it for her or any of that so maybe you should stop misreading things. I was saying it for your own sake because obviously the encounter was bad enough for you to post in detail here about it. She won't let go. She is crazy. Doesn't mean you don't have a choice in being apart of the crazy train. Because if you are waiting for this man she will always be apart of your future. This drama will he your life. Not fair? Of course not. But it wasn't really fair of your MM to lie to you about being married to a nutjob and decieve you.

 

She sounds crazy and you can't fix crazy. But you can walk away from it. Or you can be stubborn, stomp your foot and and say "bring it on". Your choice. Personaly, I'd rather not have the drama and simply not engage with this man.

[veritas lux mea]

I'm not expecting her to get over it. All I am asking is that she handle herself like a rational adult. I really don't feel like that is too much to ask of another adult. Especially considering the circumstances around my "affair" with her husband.

 

You can't understand crazy. And it only makes you crazy to try. And your jumping to conclusions and putting meaning behind comments that are not their show the craziness is affecting you.

 

Why can't She let go? Because she is crazy! She is also a human who was hurt really bad and apparently has bo coping skills because she is crazy. She probably needs a phsyc evaluation.

 

But there is also stubborness. Think about how you don't want to let go of him (you say no relationship right now but your love for him is obvious) and how you can't let go of a simple mechanic. Or even let go of your idea that there was nothing in this situation you couldn't have done better. (you don't have to do wrong in order for there to be a better).

 

So take your unwillingness to let go, add sime insanity to it. And it all makes sense.

[2sunny]

No. I'm frustrated with her because she can't control herself and what should be a normal uneventful activity for me turns into a chaotic police involved circus because of her inability to control herself.

 

Not angry at all. Just tired and want to live my life without the complication of her drama. And I'm not sure that she has any power as you suggest. But I'm not power struggling with her so I don't know.

 

But the reason you're not seeing him is because of her reactions - so you are handing her the power - especially since you said you may date him in the future.

 

When a gal has been involved with a MM and the W finds out = there's likely going to be drama. That is on him because he's lied.

 

I know her actions don't seem normal - but an angry woman doesn't think rationally.

 

 

Ultimately he is to blame. He lied. He created the reason for her anger.

 

He could have avoided further drama by not stepping over. You could have stopped him.

 

Coulda shoulda woulda - it doesn't change his lack of character.

 

Why bother when a man lacks significant character?

[AmyBamy]

Dis you actually read my post or are you just jumping on the part where I actually personaly think you would have been better to walk away when se showed up. Unless you were actually in a corner I really can't see how you couldn't just walk down the street or step into a "dirty" little hip to remove yourself from her freak out. I didn't blame you for her freak out and I wasn't saying do it for her or any of that so maybe you should stop misreading things. I was saying it for your own sake because obviously the encounter was bad enough for you to post in detail here about it. She won't let go. She is crazy. Doesn't mean you don't have a choice in being apart of the crazy train. Because if you are waiting for this man she will always be apart of your future. This drama will he your life. Not fair? Of course not. But it wasn't really fair of your MM to lie to you about being married to a nutjob and decieve you.

 

She sounds crazy and you can't fix crazy. But you can walk away from it. Or you can be stubborn, stomp your foot and and say "bring it on". Your choice. Personaly, I'd rather not have the drama and simply not engage with this man.

 

I guess that I am just at a point where I feel like I have babied her and her feelings enough. The guy from the shop got between she and I and I wasn't in her vicinity as exMM moved back to his own property and she sort of followed him over that way. You're saying at that point I should have left? Well, at that point she was driving away and the police were following her so I felt no reason to remove myself from where I was.

 

I just don't think that I should have to not engage with him to not have her craziness. And maybe I am getting to the point where I'm saying fine, bring it on. Because it's so damn ridiculous! She wants to control the world well don't we all. But I just don't feel like I should allow her to control me and so maybe I am saying enough - I will go where I want and talk to whomever I want and you will just have to deal with it. Because she is not a part of my life at all and that's the truth.

 

I have treaded lightly with her out of pure sympathy. But when she spills over into my every day life I'm not going to keep giving her more room. She needs to give me a little room. And if her ex husband wants to be in my space then she can take that up with him but she has no right to come into MY space. She isn't the center of the universe and the world doesn't revolve around her and her feelings. She is acting like a child and do not intend to keep giving her space to have her tantrums.

 

Like I said going to the police department today to report the messages from last night. Which I'm sure will show up in the divorce court. She is working hard to build a case against herself here and I certainly won't keep saving her by not enacting the consequences of her actions. I obviously haven't done her any favors by doing so in the past.k

 

And sorry I'm just baffled at the fact that anyone here is defending her behaviors and giving her pass bc she is "hurt". I had no idea that there were really people in this world who would look at this kind of craziness and say that it was my fault for talking to someone and that I should move around her so that she isn't "provoked". I'm sure that the legal community will disagree with that wholeheartedly and agree with me that I am free to roam around and do my business unhindered by someone's crazy behaviors.

[2sunny]

You're so busy blaming her and defending yourself - you're not looking at the suggestions here.

 

 

You keep engaging in more actions (going to report her texts) you will get more interaction.

 

 

Go silent. Stop listening to your friends gossip about them. Act like they aren't alive.

 

Start dating SINGLE men.

 

If you don't interact they will go away.

[carhill]

We have mutual friends and I hear about the developments from time to time. Mostly it's the custody thing. If he gets the 50/50 custody that he wants then the court is saying that he doesn't have to pay her as much child support and she wants to have more custody so that he has to pay more child support. She is dependent on his income to live the lifestyle she has become accustomed to and she does not want to give that up.

 

their divorce information is available online but I don't look at it. I had removed myself from their situation and up until yesterday have had very little to no contact with him. She contacts me more than he does.

 

I think that she will be in violation of the RO by contacting me last night. Previously I haven't reported phone calls becuase they are easily ignored but I plan on reporting these today. I've reached my limit with her antics.

My approach in this thread has been from the perspective of a MM and past OM who did 'listen' to hearsay from mutual friends, etc, etc, as well as going through the divorce process whilst in an affair. Trust but verify. This process leads to more concrete and accurate 'whys', respecting that it's impossible to know what's in the mind of another person.

 

I would view this event as unfortunate and move on with life as customary and usual. Whether or not to interact socially is a choice, cognizant of the relevant consequences. Like you mentioned, we're adults and make adult choices and accept adult consequences.

[2sunny]

I'm wondering why you don't let it go?

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm wondering why you don't let it go?

 

Why should she let it go?

 

I'm curious - would you give the same advice if it were reversed, and the OP was a BS who was enduring this crazy behavior from a scorned and dumped AP? Because I think most people here would be saying "yep, she's crazy, get a restraining order, this woman has NO right to do this and she needs to get out of your life".

 

Does no one else here see the HUGE double standard that goes on in these threads?

 

This woman appears to be an alcoholic which is in itself a huge problem for her kids. Top it off with her behavior, and she has made her bed in terms of getting custody. Now she has lost physical custody, at least temporarily, and that is a REALLY bad position to be in during a fight for permanent custody. And she did it all to herself!

 

The fact is, the OP here has every right to interact with whomever she wants. The ex-MM is separated and divorcing. She could be dating him if she wanted to. Lives are moving on. Even if everyone here didn't like her decision to date him, it's her choice to decide whether to forgive his lies, just like it's the choice of the BS whether to forgive his lies during reconciliation. Whether she chooses to ignore or date him is not the issue and the OP has not asked for advice on that.

 

If what the OP says is true, the BS is the one who initiates the contact, not the other way around. The issue is that this BS is harassing someone else despite the existence of a restraining order, and it seems the police did not agree with most people in this thread that she should "get a pass because she's hurt" since her kids have now been taken away from her. I'm glad they are no longer at risk from this craziness.

[Speakingofwhich]

OP has the right to interact with her ex bf.

 

BS has lost some of her rights because of her behavior.

 

Evidenced by the outcome, the law has taken into consideration the facts and has removed the children from a dangerous situation, it seems to me from what I'm reading.

 

Thankfully, the powers that be in OP's community are able to distance themselves from their own personal emotional biases and make a clear judgement. I would imagine some of those involved in making the decisions that have resulted in xMM now having the children with BS having limited access have themselves been involved in personal dilemmas where they've been WSs, OWs/OMs or BSs.

 

[personalized content redacted]

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

I have a restraining order on her already. I considered filing one against him initially because he was trying so hard to keep contact with me but when I asked him to leave me be and give me space he did so I didn't feel the need to get one on him.

 

I see what you are saying here and initially that's where I was - just wanting them to ride their crazy train and leave me out of it. But he has not during all of this acted crazy it has been 100% her. He has been respectful to me and my boundaries. He approached me cautiously yesterday and I did allow him to come over and chat - I honestly see no harm in that. They are not a package deal anymore and I should be able to have a chat with him without anything to do with her. I won't even consider having anything further than that with him until the divorce is final which I think will probably now happen faster because of her actions and behaviors. And once the divorce is final then she has absolutely no reason or right whatsoever to have anything to do with he and I having a chat (I dont' think she has a reason to be upset about it now and insert herself).

 

So, I will keep the restraining order and I'm going to the police today with the drunken messages she left me last night threatening me to stay away from him because she can't stand it. Thing is had she approached this like a normal person I would probably have more sympathy for her but at this point I am exhausted with her stupid behaviors and I have no more patience for them. She has drained me of all empathy I had for her by acting the way she does.

 

 

 

- yes file the complaint with the police, turn over the threatening message and cooperate fully with prosecutor if they file charges.

 

 

Violation of a restraining order and making threats with a restraining order in place is a criminal offense and that combined with her conduct at the autoshop will likely result in some actual charges being filed.

 

 

- be aware that your BF will likely come to her defense and turn on you and throw you under the bus at some point in this situation.

 

 

He will likely be all for it initially as it will help his divorce proceedings and custody case. He will change his tune quickly however when he sees the mother of his children in handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit negotiating with the judge on how much time she is going to have to spend in jail and when they start getting serious about restricting her access to the children.

 

 

He may have had sweet words for you [vulgarity redacted] but this guy is no Mr Clean or going to be up for any Father of the Year awards. He is a cad and a louse himself and when it sinks in that he may be getting court-mandated FULL custody whether he wants it or not, he is going to change his tune and TURN ON YOU and make you out to be the bad guy and the homewrecker and the aggressor here.

 

 

He is going to try to smooth talk you into not filing the complaint and not testifying.

 

 

My recommendation is to do it anyway to get her off your back.

 

 

He will then throw you under the bus and counter attack on you.

 

 

I can tell you are still having some feelings for him and are still interested in possibly having a relationship with him when the divorce is over and the dust settles.

 

 

The problem is the dust is NEVER going to settle. She isn't going to just wake up and see the error of her ways and drop this and he is not going to walk away from her and then ride up to your house on a big white horse and pick you up on the back of his horse and ride off into the sunset together.

 

 

This is going to turn ugly and the more involved you are with either of them, the more egg you are going to get on your face and the more mud you are going to get on your hands.

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

\

 

He is going to try to smooth talk you into not filing the complaint and not testifying.

 

I doubt that, since he's the one who is divorcing his wife and who turned her in to the police to get temporary custody of the kids. I too would do everything I could to get my kids away from dangerous behavior and alcoholic midnight threats. If that were my spouse, I would not stop until I had permanent custody. The kids are the most important thing.

 

These stories are sad. I hope she gets the help she needs at some point.

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to edited post redacted

[Snipercatt]

Amy, HE dated you under the false pretense of being available, and single. HE did that so HE could have what HE wanted for HIS own selfish reasons. And now, HIS crazy is in your life.

 

He knows her and HE knew this could result and HE chose to jeopardize your peace of mind, your love and your heart. How in the world can you say you might date him in the future?

 

Your focus should be on his behavior and selfishness.

 

I'm So angry on your behalf! I support you doing whatever it takes, within reason, to keep the crazies out of your life. He is one of those because he knew this could happen and he never gave you the opportunity to enter into a relationship knowing the pertinent facts.

[fellini]

You are describing how children handle being upset and angry or hurt not adults. That's the difference. Children don't see the big picture. Their feelings and emotions are too big for them and they don't know how to express them in the right way. Adults on the other hand have skills and years of experience behind them that allows them to see the consequences of their actions. Adults have the ability to know that their actions have consequences. She knows damn good and well what is going to happen if she keeps on and she keeps on. She is choosing to act like this it's not beyond her control. Sorry, but if it is she needs help because adults just do not act like this just because they see someone talking to someone.

 

[Off-topic injection redacted]

 

Your discourse is entirely REASONABLE and RATIONAL, but you don't seem to understand that people under extreme situations behave extremely.

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Speakingofwhich]

OP, you have clearly, very simply and logically explained why you took your car there to be serviced. It all makes sense if one can look at it objectively.

 

I, too, am a single woman and have people I trust who help me with my car, finances, health etc. I need these people, trust them, and depend on them in order to live my life. I am not about to switch to other providers of services when I have forged trusting relationships with those I use. These people are vital to my security.

 

No ex H, ex fiance, exMM, BS is a reason for me to stop getting help where I need it from people I trust and have established working relationships with. Even for a seemingly small issue.

 

I do not understand the position of some of you who think OP should have gone to a different mechanic. Ask yourself honestly, is it possible you are looking to nitpick at OP? If not then maybe you might want to rethink her position on this and yours in criticizing her about it.

 

OP, I understand you are here to process your emotions over this troubling situation. I know it is awful to have someone like this in one's life.

 

At the time when I was going through similar crazy behavior by ex H, I processed my emotions by talking about it, a lot! My friends and family must have gotten very tired of hearing about it. But, I didn't have a forum to post on.

 

I am saddened, OP, as I see you being treated this way after DOING WHAT BSs stridently, often, maintain a single woman should do when she finds she is dating a MM. Break up with him! You did this. And then you were empathetic to this person's W.

 

You are an exemplary example of how a woman should react and behave when she finds she is dating a MM.

 

You are here to process your emotions about it.

 

Yet the posts that are coming at you are astounding to me!

 

You have done nothing wrong by having your car serviced where you have had it serviced for years. Whether or not ex bf is camped out five feet from the property line of your mechanic's place 24/7.

 

And you has done nothing wrong by speaking with him when he approached you.

 

Heck! I speak to both OWs (who stole my exH and my ex fiance) casually from time to time myself. There are other people who behave this way, also, and OP seems to be one them. It's called being gracious, not holding a grudge and having class.

Edited May 25, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Amy, HE dated you under the false pretense of being available, and single. HE did that so HE could have what HE wanted for HIS own selfish reasons. And now, HIS crazy is in your life.

 

He knows her and HE knew this could result and HE chose to jeopardize your peace of mind, your love and your heart. How in the world can you say you might date him in the future?

 

Your focus should be on his behavior and selfishness.

 

I'm So angry on your behalf! I support you doing whatever it takes, within reason, to keep the crazies out of your life. He is one of those because he knew this could happen and he never gave you the opportunity to enter into a relationship knowing the pertinent facts.

 

 

Agreed, 100%.

 

Women always tend to focus on each other when the real Villain is the manipulative MM. He is tossing you both about in his web. If he lies to you, he lies to others. He probably played mind games with his wife too.

 

Love and betrayal causes crazy. Haven't you read Wuthering Heights?

 

Come from a place of compassion and you will attract it to you. We is willing to speak negatively about a woman that mothered his children? He will do it to you too.

 

Pick a man that isn't so insensitive that he would be willing to walk over and talk to you publicly knowing his wife could see it while she is still raw and whole taking care of his kids.

 

He doesn't sound like a nice person.

 

He chose to be with her. At one time he showed this sweet face to her. At one time he charmed her too. What he does to her, he will do to you. He lacks sensitivity.

Edited May 25, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[Hope Shimmers]

[Off-topic injection redacted]

 

Your discourse is entirely REASONABLE and RATIONAL, but you don't seem to understand that people under extreme situations behave extremely.

 

That's not an excuse for it though. Which is the entire point.

 

Yet the posts that are coming at you are astounding to me!

I completely agree. If I had not seem some of these posts with my own eyes I would not believe it.