Why can't some people just let it go?

[AmyBamy]

Okay, but be careful. Personally I would wait until after tomorrow and see what happens there.

 

Regardless, you both are pretty fragile right now and well, you could very easily fall into leaning on each other when the time is not good.

 

I just don't want to see either of you get hurt by weak actions now, if that makes sense. Don't let yourself be a rebound or distraction from pain he will have to process and heal from on his own.

 

Be his friend and light support if you can, and it does sound like you care about him. I caution you however, to not get too deep with his problems from another relationship.

 

I will try to be sensible about it. I'm a pretty practical person anyway so it's my normal inclination. I feel like today our convo is going to be mostly to get a plan in place for how he and are going to be throughout the divorce. Such as deciding if we shouldn't speak to one another if we see each other in public or such depending on how we both feel about that. Our state has no fault divorce so the affair won't affect the divorce proceedings at all but I just want to have a plan in place for those times when we do run into each other.

 

I do care about him. I was devastated when I found out that he was married because I really did see he and I continuing on for a long term relaitonship that was shaping up to be a very solid relationship. I was confused and hurt and angry and didn't really want to listen to all of his what I thought were excuses for choosing an affair at that time instead of just divorcing. But now I am having more understanding of why he chose that instead of divorce. And as a former BS that's a long road to get to for me so you can see how her actions are changing a lot of what I have believed over the past 8 months or so.

 

I am thinking today because I'm feeling pretty secure at my house right now and really hopeful that she won't show up and that if she does I have actions I can take unlike when I was at the mechanic the other day. I am hoping that because of hte recent issues that she is going ot back off at least for a day or two which makes today feel even safer to me.

 

I hope it's the right decision and I hope that he and I get some stuff sorted out. Other than that I have no plans about him at this point other than knowing I don't want to be part of their divorce. He mentioned this morning that he had talked to his attorney and that they are sure that with recent events that the divorce can be done earlier since he and the kids now have protective orders against her and it is considered unsafe for him or hte kids to be exposed to her at this point. It sounds like she has lost all of her footing in the divorce because of her own actions and that's really sad but it was her choice and her choice alone.

[AmyBamy]

Amy,

 

Let me preface my reply by saying I am REALLY on your side - even if what I say doesn't seem like it.

 

 

 

I have also read this thread and I don't get that vibe. In fact, you have applauded for your actions in how you handled learning he was M - many OW would have simply continued. But that's not YOU - not your style - you have WELL developed sense of right and wrong (which leads to some trouble later on...) and that sense compelled your actions.

 

I would say you have more principals in your pinky than most in their body.

 

 

 

No. No one, myself included, has demanded or even asked you to "rearrange your whole life". What is suggested, is maybe we rethink our "lines in the sand". And remember that well developed sense of right and wrong I mentioned - the one we all lauded above - yeah, its biting you in the azz here. Here, it manifests itself as "I did no wrong and its unjust, in light of my lack of wrongdoing, to alter ANYTHING in my life" - and you dig your heels in. And the INEVITABLE happens - crazy drama. And as much as you would like to think it has no negative on you - you're wrong it does - witness how this drama AFFECTS you.

 

Maybe, possibly, entertain the idea of, when reasonable, we take steps to avoid drama. Because this drama does NOT make YOU look good - and yes, I am well certain you don't care. But it AFFECTS everyone. It will affect the innocents around you, it affects the BS, the MM, his children, the innocent people standing in line next you - it all touches so many lives - for what? For what noble cause? What is gained?

 

 

 

Seriously?

I hate to do this, but can you imagine her thought process in this (Im not saying you DID any of it - its the BS's PoV here):

You stole her H

You wrecked "her world"

You HURT her children

You "got" her arrested.

You "flaunt your A" (referring to talking to her H in public)

 

You can't possibly expect someone in her state to be rational - she's proven it time and again that she isn't.

 

No Amy, she doesn't care one iota about you - in fact, I would bet she BLAMES you.

 

And this is the woman you choose to "not avoid"?

 

 

 

Of course you do - if you didn't matter and no one cared - your thread would have zero views and zero replies.

 

Clearly people care.

 

 

 

She's proven time and again she CAN'T handle it - not for now.

And yes, I for one, do hold you accountable for PART of this - for refusing to take some reasonable action to avoid all this. (lets no go back there again ok - just stating what everyone already knows)

 

 

Nor should you expect the BS to heal in 3 months when the OW is STILL around. Calling "her H" as "BF". There is a MASSIVE difference in x number of years as man and wife vs x number of months as the OW.

 

He's lies to you, while certainly not optimal, are UNDERSTANDABLE. Nor does it presage a horrible fate to this budding R.

 

If you proceed with your BF - then this woman will be in your life until she dies. One more time - you will be seeing and interacting with her FOREVER. I would counsel that you start thinking strategically here - and not vainly winning pointless battles of where you can get your car serviced. Pick your fights. Having an xWW that HATES my W - its NOT easy. An pizzed off xW has innumerable cards to play to disrupt things - believe me I know.

 

Just MY advice.

 

 

 

As a combat veteran myself, I have seem big strong dudes freeze in combat - and the scrawny guys be heroes. One never knows how one will react in the face of combat.

 

 

 

Correct. But if you want a harmonious life - you might want to take reasonable actions to reduce drama. Not for her sake, for YOURS, for your BF's - for the kids - for the couple next you just trying to eat dinner - lets try and avoid all this.

 

In hockey its called instigating - and that's what you aren't seeing.

 

 

 

Responsible for - no.

Instigating...agitating...exacerbating - yes.

 

Technically, you aren't causing her actions - but you aren't helping them either.

 

 

 

No, the BS acted completely wrong and she EARNED her trip to jail. No one else did that but her. You are NOT GUILTY of that.

 

You know she's trouble and take ZERO steps to avoid it - that's on YOU.

 

One of you two ladies is going to have step up and do what's right for ALL involved - for you, for her, the BF, the kids and the whole town - if its not her....

 

I see what you are saying I really do. And up until the incident at the mechanics I would have agreed with you on a lot of levels. But that was just the last straw. I did nothing ot provoke that. and I have b een avoiding them as much as I can but it's not always possible like when he approached me at the mechanic's. I had no time to consider where to run to away from him and there weren't any good optoins so I chose to stay and talk in full view of a lot of people in public becuase I thought aht would be safe.

 

So you'r eright. I 'm not going to help her anymore. I"m not going to go out of my way like I have for the past 8 months one more day. I'm just not. I've done it for almost a year and she still insists on blaming me and calling me names and threatening me in spite of active restraining ordesrs. How long am I supposed to put up with it? How long am I supposed to reroute my life? How long am I supposed to hide myself away for her? Forever? Because I'm not doing it.

 

I still take absolutely no responsibility in her behaviors or feelings. I did nothing to her and she knows it. What he did to her is between him and her but she keeps dragging me into it. So if I'm going to keep being dragged into it I am not going to do so without protecting myself. I have a feeling that even if I did everything that you are suggesting it still wouldn't be enough for her ever. And I'm tired of wasting my time and energy and gas money going out of my way so that she can feel better. Especially sinc eyou agree that she doesn't give a **** about my feelings or rights in all of this.

 

You can call that wanting drama if you want. But I'm considering it knowing my enemy and being prepared. This woman isn't going to be happy no matter how things go unless she gets her way exaclty. And that's not going to happen and has nothing to do with me at all. So I'm preparing myself to be dragged back in by her and I'm going to defend myself and rights.

[beach]

At this point you know it's crazy and your choice to see him now aren't looking like the wisest move.

 

You seem to think he might fit perfectly for you. I got news for you. He comes as a package deal. She will forever be tied to him simply because they have kids together.

 

You could end up with him. But if you do you also end up with her to some extent.

 

Birthdays, holidays, graduations, birth of his kids children. She will always be around him. Even if on the outer circle, she will be at important events through all the years.

 

You want him? He comes with baggage. That baggage includes her and always will.

Edited May 26, 2014 by beach

[HermioneG]

Amy-

 

Forgive me if you explained this- but if the police were already there on the day of the issue, and she was in violation of the RO, why wasn't she taken in then?

 

I would be worried something is not right with the order. You should check on that, because the waiting until Tuesday when they actually physically had her already is confusing.

[AmyBamy]

At this point you know it's crazy and your choice to see him now aren't looking like the wisest move. It's not unwise it just isn't what his soon to be ex wife wants.

 

You seem to think he might fit perfectly for you. I got news for you. He comes as a package deal. She will forever be tied to him simply because they have kids together. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. But yes I do believe that he and I are a GOOD fit. She is not a package deal for anything. They are separated and soon will be divorced. His children are practically grown and out of the house. If he and I end up together she will be barely on the peripheral of our lives if even that depending on how the kids continue their relationships with her if they decide to at all. At their ages the judge will allow them to have some say in that and I wouldn't be suprised if they choose to not have a relationship with her at this point and maybe never will. It is their choice now not hers.

 

You could end up with him. But if you do you also end up with her to some extent.

 

Birthdays, holidays, graduations, birth of his kids children. She will always be around him. Even if on the outer circle, she will be at important events through all the years.

 

You want him? He comes with baggage. That baggage includes her and always will.

 

We ALL come with baggage of some sort. His just happens to be crazier than most everyone elses. Not his fault at all and not something I feel like I need to hold against him. I hold it against the person who is responsible for the crazy and that's her.

[AmyBamy]

Amy-

 

Forgive me if you explained this- but if the police were already there on the day of the issue, and she was in violation of the RO, why wasn't she taken in then?

 

I would be worried something is not right with the order. You should check on that, because the waiting until Tuesday when they actually physically had her already is confusing.

 

They asked me I wanted to file a complaint about the violation and I said no. I see now that I should have said yes. But then I went down the next day and filed a complaint about that episode and the messages she left later that night which they recorded and kept and I had to fill out a report about the incident at the mechanic's.

 

She was never in their custody. I think they were trying to avoid that especially in front of her kids. ExMM got his kids out of her car and put them in his car and the police told her to go home and cool off and let her go.

[2sunny]

I highly doubt her kids would turn her away. After all, that are used to her and most kids defend a parents actions by justifying.

 

Don't think for a minute that they would abandon their R with her. Even a majority of kids who are hugely abused and neglected and molested still choose to communicate with the parent.

[stillafool]

Why would you still even talk to this man after he lied to you about not being married? He is the one who put you in this situation. Why aren't you more angry with him?

[AmyBamy]

Why would you still even talk to this man after he lied to you about not being married? He is the one who put you in this situation. Why aren't you more angry with him?

 

It has been over 8 months. We dated for only three months. I'm pretty much over it and honestly can see why he was avoiding divorce with this woman. I was angry with him initially. NOw I'm not anymore.

[AmyBamy]

I highly doubt her kids would turn her away. After all, that are used to her and most kids defend a parents actions by justifying.

 

Don't think for a minute that they would abandon their R with her. Even a majority of kids who are hugely abused and neglected and molested still choose to communicate with the parent.

 

They already told their dad that they don't want to live with her. None of them wants to visit her right now even though she is supposed to have supervised visits and since they are old enough the attorney told exMM that the court won't force them to visit with her. It seems that they have already decided that they don't want a relationship with her right now and that's what I was referencing. She has done the same kind of emotional blackmail to them that she has done to exMM for their entire lives. All mothers are not good mothers and she may be one of the ones that isn't good. It is up to her kids if they want to continue with her and if she continues to act like this I can absolutely see them saying that they don't want anything to do with her. I know people that do not have relationships with their parents for a variety of reasons. Parent and kid relationships are not automatic and deserve to be respected by all involved including the parents too or they risk losing those relationships.

[jwi71]

I see what you are saying I really do. And up until the incident at the mechanics I would have agreed with you on a lot of levels. But that was just the last straw. I did nothing ot provoke that. and I have b een avoiding them as much as I can but it's not always possible like when he approached me at the mechanic's. I had no time to consider where to run to away from him and there weren't any good optoins so I chose to stay and talk in full view of a lot of people in public becuase I thought aht would be safe.

 

So you'r eright. I 'm not going to help her anymore. I"m not going to go out of my way like I have for the past 8 months one more day. I'm just not. I've done it for almost a year and she still insists on blaming me and calling me names and threatening me in spite of active restraining ordesrs. How long am I supposed to put up with it? How long am I supposed to reroute my life? How long am I supposed to hide myself away for her? Forever? Because I'm not doing it.

 

I still take absolutely no responsibility in her behaviors or feelings. I did nothing to her and she knows it. What he did to her is between him and her but she keeps dragging me into it. So if I'm going to keep being dragged into it I am not going to do so without protecting myself. I have a feeling that even if I did everything that you are suggesting it still wouldn't be enough for her ever. And I'm tired of wasting my time and energy and gas money going out of my way so that she can feel better. Especially sinc eyou agree that she doesn't give a **** about my feelings or rights in all of this.

 

You can call that wanting drama if you want. But I'm considering it knowing my enemy and being prepared. This woman isn't going to be happy no matter how things go unless she gets her way exaclty. And that's not going to happen and has nothing to do with me at all. So I'm preparing myself to be dragged back in by her and I'm going to defend myself and rights.

 

OK - be mindful of the future in your dealings with her.

You wouldn't be the first GF the kids have run off in the history of dating after D - and believe me, if the BS blames you, the kids will too - and that's ENORMOUS pressure on their father, you and whatever R you may or may not have.

 

Keep us posted and I hope the ending you desire is the ending you find.

[goodyblue]

Hi OP.

 

I didn't read all the responses, but did read the first six pages.

 

I have dealt with an angry BS and what I did was stay away from anywhere she may be. I don't shop by her home, I don't go to restaurants that she frequents, I try to steer clear.

 

I don't do this for her, I do this for myself because I don't want to deal with the crazy. It's not easy to deal with this kind of thing, and you really just do the best you can. I also agree that 8 months is time enough to leave you alone. She can continue to be angry at the man who betrayed her, but she should leave you alone.

 

And she WAS out of line. So, try to stay away from her, but if there is any sort of altercation, physical or verbal, call the police. Call every single time. Soon she'll realize she can't do this to you.

 

I'm sorry this is happening. Things like this happened to me, but not very many. Chin up.

[AmyBamy]

ExMM and I had our chat and it was good. Uneventful and nobody showed up. Saw a police car drive around the street during but other than that all was quiet. He got a text from his youngest child asking to be picked up and asked if we could continue talking later and I agreed.

 

Basically we decided that until his divorce is final we won't see each other. We both agreed though that if we are out in public and see one another that we will speak if we both want to and if she shows up then we will call the police since we both have orders against her now.

 

He apologized over and over for not being honest with me in the very beginning. He was hoping that he would just divorce her quietly since he knew she wanted a divorce too and that I would never be dragged into any of this. He promised to do whatever is in his power to keep her away from me and out of my life.

 

He said his kids have all said that they don't want to live with her and none of them want to see her right now. He hopes that she doesn't end up in jail but if she does the kids have already told him that they will not visit her there especially. The kids are all totally embarrassed and ashamed of her behaviors and apparently there were a few of their friends who witnessed the whole thing and have witnessed other things she has done to him at their house before he moved out.

 

His attorney is filing something tomorrow that he believes will hurry up the divorce, I forget what he called it. But it's something that supposedly allows a divorce to be finalized more quickly if one partner is in danger from the other partner. The kids spent time with her family today too and apparently her family is just as mortified of her behaviors.

 

I have no doubt that this man loves me and is in love with me. It was absolutely evident on his face and in his eyes today. He was so happy to be able to sit down and talk to me. He offered no excuses only explained why he thought he was doing the right thing and asked me for another chance to prove to me that he is worthy of my love and attention. I told him that after their divorce is final and he has the kids situated and himself that he and I can go out for a coffee or something small like that. Until then, we will speak on the phone and in person if we run into each other. And that's it.

 

He hugged me before he left and I thought he would never let me go! He is so stressed out with all of this and worried about his kids and I think talking to me helped but of course it doesn't erase the damage his soon to be ex wife has done to him and the kids and the family. Oh, his wife also tried to get access to his accounts that are in his name only. That might be another charge since she forged his name. The bank didn't allow it and she caused a scene which he found out when he ran into his banker recently who was aware of the situation.

 

I'm not sure what will happen if she sees me out and about but I'm just not going to worry about it. I will protect myself if I have to and there is clear documentation that proves that I have not been the instigator. I have absolutely no criminal history at all whereas she on the other hand has made quite a case for herself over the past almost year. I sincerely hope it does not come to that.

 

He has texted me a couple of times now just to thank me for seeing him and telling me how much it meant to him. I'm glad that I could be a spot of relief in this whole mess for him.

[underpants]

Well then, it seems that all went well.

 

I was worried that you would not be able to resist that desperate hug, and give in. Good on you.

 

Let him sort himself out, he needs to, for him and for any possible relationship you two may share in the future, or not. Be strong and carry on.

 

From reading the entire experience, and your perspective, I think if anything this has made your soul grow, and even in pain, that is good.

 

Take good care.

 

I am curious as to how long you two talked?

Edited May 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[AmyBamy]

I am curious as to how long you two talked?

 

Just under 45 minutes or so before his child texted him asking to be picked up. We did some general catching up on a few things since we hadn't spoken at any length in quite some time. He wanted to see a project in my house that I had since finished and I showed it to him and we talked about it for a few minutes too.

[whichwayisup]

One thing and please take this to heart -- Those kids know their mom is not well, but they still love her deeply. Nobody and nothing can replace their mom, so even though right now they are hurting and don't want to be around her, do not ever think that they hate her and never want to see her again. Mental illness is serious but once she is on meds and it's under control she will be the person she was before...

Edited May 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical material

[AmyBamy]

 

One thing and please take this to heart -- Those kids know their mom is not well, but they still love her deeply. Nobody and nothing can replace their mom, so even though right now they are hurting and don't want to be around her, do not ever think that they hate her and never want to see her again. Mental illness is serious but once she is on meds and it's under control she will be the person she was before...

 

Well I can't predict how his kids will handle this since I don't know them. But he says that they are really upset with their mother right now and want nothing to do with her. I know people that stop talking to their parents and it could happen here. I never said that they wouldn't love her but they may not want a relationship with her. This is not the first time she has done this to them and their father since the separation. I think the kids are tired of it too and just don't want to be a part of it which I don't blame them.

 

 

 

Thank you to all who gave me advice on my original question. I feel like I have the odds and ends handled now and am feeling safe. I don't know how this will all end up but I don't plan on letting her drag me back in and the police have assured me that she legally cannot as long as I report every violation of the restraining order. I'm going to bed now to get some well deserved and well needed sleep!

Edited May 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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