Why can't some people just let it go?

[AmyBamy]

I'm sorry but reconsidering where you get your oil changed is hardly a life altering decision that will affect the course of your entire existence. It's a small thing to avoid potential drama for a while so really, where's the harm in it?

 

I am a single female. It's hard to find good mechanics that don't try to take advantage of me. I know these guys and they do everything on my car for me. I was having a couple of other small things done too, just at the time, they were finishing up changing my oil. I did use a different guy last week to do something on my car and guess what? That was one of the things that my regular mechanic was fixing for me and told me that I was lucky I didn't have an accident from the "repairs" the other guy did last week. I was out of town and had to use someone I didn't know and it cost me double to get his fix really fixed.

 

Trust me, if I could just disappear out of this area I would, but I can't. And I honestly don't see why people think that it's my job to stay out of her sight and why it's not her job to just handle herself?

[whichwayisup]

Don't engage period. With either of them. ExMM is not your friend, nor are you his so do your best to stay out of their drama and ending of their marriage. You ended the A, so walk away and wash your hands of it all.

 

She has issues and needs help, hopefully as time goes on she'll seek counseling and focus less on you.

 

You need to cut exMM out of your life completely though, as curious as you may be about their divorce and what's going on, don't allow him to discuss it with you... Unless your A is on "hold" until they divorce? Or are you done with him for good.

[AmyBamy]

Don't engage period. With either of them. ExMM is not your friend, nor are you his so do your best to stay out of their drama and ending of their marriage. You ended the A, so walk away and wash your hands of it all.

 

She has issues and needs help, hopefully as time goes on she'll seek counseling and focus less on you.

 

You need to cut exMM out of your life completely though, as curious as you may be about their divorce and what's going on, don't allow him to discuss it with you... Unless your A is on "hold" until they divorce? Or are you done with him for good.

 

Honestly initially I was done for good. I was so damn mad at him. The first time she showed up at my house and acted like this I really did blame it all on him even though it was her actions. As the months have went by I can't lie I have softened a bit towards him. It's been like 7 months now. And the affair isn't on hold because I didn't know it was an affair.

 

I went back and forth a little bit with trying to figure out if I should continue seeing him. It was really hard to just be done when I found out he had a wife. I was shocked and reacted quickly but I do miss him some. I am still sort of angry but not as angry as I was initially but of course his wife has said and done a lot of crap since then.

 

I do not want to date him now or any time soon. I know that. I do think that maybe later down the line once the divorce is absolutely final I might maybe consider it. I know he lied to me but I can't help but see that he might have had a bit of a reason to not just divorce her. From her own mouth she said she was okay with him having an affair as long as he didn't "rub it in her face" and others didn't know about it. But then he fell in love with me and filed for divorce. And that was not what she had planned at all and she has been pissed ever since.

 

I do love him even though he was dishonest about being married. I know that he loves me. I just don't know that now after all this that we could ever really make it work. And god knows I do not want to deal with this lady for the rest of my life that makes me cringe. Which is maybe her goal. She has said that she is most hurt by the fact that he is in love with me which I do understand but maybe her goal is to keep he and I apart because of that.

 

So no nothing is on hold. I am dating others and living my life single. I have no immediate plans to have anything to do with him. He has not stopped trying to have some sort of contact with me but has mostly respected my asking for space from him and his situation.

 

Sorry now I'm rambling. This whole thing has just really upset me and some of the responses I have gotten have just blown my mind. I feel like I'm in an alternate universe or something.

[Speakingofwhich]

This whole thing has just really upset me and some of the responses I have gotten have just blown my mind. I feel like I'm in an alternate universe or something.

 

I can understand the above statement.

 

Personally, I don't consider a person who dates someone believing they're single, and then finds they're married and breaks up with him/her, to be an OW/OM. In their mind they are dating a single person.

 

Not the same thing at all as a person taking up with a MM.

 

You did nothing wrong and everything right in this situation as far as I can tell.

[2sunny]

But you did step over and start talking to him, right?

 

That doesn't sound like a gal that has avoided him. A gal avoiding him would put your hand up and shout STOP - to him. If he didn't stop the police would be called since you have a RO on him (I think I remember that from several months back).

 

But you didn't. You were engaged in a conversation and were participating.

 

So YOU could have avoided the whole thing - but because you engaged him in conversation when he softened you at the start - it's only your fault because you participated by talking to him at all.

 

Who cares what she does? You can't control her.

 

You can only control yourself - and knowing that - you shouldn't have been talking to him. That was the cause for her anger. If you hadn't been there she wouldn't have gotten angry.

 

Does anyone else think he's a total jerk for not going over immediately and consoling his children?

 

Either way, why would you give this jerk the time of day - much less a friendly conversation?

 

So yes, I think the way you participated by having any sort of interaction with this liar is only your own fault.

 

 

Solution? Don't interact with him.

 

That you CAN control. Exercise the control and eliminate her drama. He's as much to blame as she is.

 

But you know he got what he wanted - a big fat ego feed over a woman in a jealous rage. You helped fuel the fire by being there. You could go when you know he won't be at work. You can tell him to get away if he ever comes close.

 

Do the things within your power!

 

Criticizing her reaction isn't helping - you can't control her. She mad - mad women are unpredictable - all the better reason to stay away.

[carhill]

Why can't some people just let it go?

 

As each of us are different, it's really hard to know with any certainty why, though I'd bet a psychologist could drill down to a short list of reasons in any particular person's case.

 

When life stresses trigger such results, IME it usually stems from an elemental emotional memory. I came to call it a 'tape'. When the trigger is pulled, the tape plays. It may seem completely out of character and/or non-sensical but seems or is completely 'normal' for the person experiencing it, as it's an elemental part of who they are, psychologically.

 

If I had to postulate a 'reason', this person's experience with their spouse's infidelity has triggered something in themselves which, to an outsider, might seem 'crazy' but to them is a perfectly reasonable response to circumstances.

 

I recall dating an apparently nice lady briefly after splitting up with my exW and we were talking about her adult son and somehow the the conversation got around to her exH, who apparently had cheated on her. They had been divorced over a decade by her statements and, yet, it was like, once the door opened to that emotional memory, she couldn't seem to stop talking about it with a relative stranger whom I presumed she wanted to date. To me it made little sense but to her it was completely normal.

 

Anyway, time usually fixes these things. Divorces are like death and very stressful and then add in infidelity and people do out of character things. Most get through it and balance out. Some, well, that's life I guess.

[cocorico]

She'll run out of steam eventually... She'll heal and move on eventually.

 

You can but hope.

 

My H's xBW is also psycho, also couldn't care less how much she traumatised her kids, had no boundaries not any sense of perspective. It's more than 6 years since he left her. Has she moved on? Not that you'd notice. Neighbours still spot her sneaking around our place when we're away, she's still spreading her delusion to anyone who'll listen and still bad mouthing their dad to her kids on the rare occasions they see her. Which get more and more infrequent as a result.

 

Amy, I agree with you - if she carries on this way, she *will* lose her kids. Not just custody, but longer term R too. My H's kids chose to live with us, and although we encouraged them to keep contact with her, as soon as they left home they basically burned that bridge. Is that what this woman wants, too?

 

Sure, she's hurt. I don't see anyone here claiming otherwise. But should her hurt trump that of everyone else - including her kids? Should her hurt absolve her of obeying the law? Should her hurt give her a lifetime free ride to crazy town?

 

Of course you have the right to go where you want, do business where you want, speak to whom you want. If she can't cope with your existence, she's free to move.

[fellini]

I'm sorry, but as a BS, it really depends. She lost it. She probably later realized that she lost it, and that's okay: If "she lost it" why do you think she should control it?

 

You know some men, when they lose it, they go get their rifle and blow their wive's brains out. Some set fire to their house. There is losing it and there is losing it. So I am not this woman, and I do not know what she went through. I do not know if this woman was completely devoted to this man and is suddenly in a divorce that she had no desire to be in. I do not know if this woman is in incredible trauma over losing her marriage and her husband and realising that she has made a huge mistake investing in him.

 

I only know that people can lose it when they are already suffering, having triggers, having nightmares, feel that they have ZERO control over their lives because of an infidelity, and then without knowing the circumstances, SEE their H's talking with his AP in broad daylight thinking that there was nothing left. It doesn't matter that there are kids in the car. When someone loses it, there is only what you see. It doesn't matter the issue about property. It doesn't matter the car is in the middle of the street, it doesn't matter the police have been called. NOTHING MATTERS BUT THE EXTREME BURST OF PAIN AND TRAUMA SHE IS LIVING THROUGH IN THAT VERY MOMENT.

 

I think you need to cut some slack on this BS, in spite of the kids in the car, because we all could "lose it" some day and only when we regain control over ourselves do we realise HOW OUT OF CONTROL WE REALLY ARE CAPABLE OF GETTING.

Edited May 25, 2014 by fellini

[BetrayedH]

I haven't read the whole thread but I can't help wondering why in the heck you'd have casual/friendly conversations with the guy that created all of this mess. He lied to you about being married and dragged you into a quagmire of his own creation. I get everything you're saying about the wife being unhinged (and give you credit for doing what you could to do right by her) but why in the world would you have casual conversations with him at all, especially right next to their workplace? Tell him to eff off.

[Snipercatt]

One of the most important decisions, in YOUR life, is who you give your heart to.

 

How can you possibly be "softening" towards someone who betrayed you, and your heart, by lying about their relationship status?

[BetrayedH]

You have the "right" to do your business wherever you like, to talk to whomever you want, etc.. And if it's inconsiderate or disrespectful to the BW, she has the "right" to have a fit in the street about it.

 

Just like you sit here wondering what she is thinking, she could very well be on another forum wondering what the hell you are thinking. You know her world has been destroyed but she discovers you standing there having a casual chat with her husband anyway. Why should she give two craps about respecting you anymore?

 

This is what happens when everyone just does whatever they have the "right" to do.

[jellybean89]

This post obviously triggered you big-time given your response. This woman is an adult and should act like one around her kids. That is the only issue here. It is not about assigning blame, which is all you did in your post.

 

Sorry Hope, no triggers for me. Seems like I touched a nerve with you and I'm sorry you are still hurting so much since your affair ended. I hope in time you can let go of the hostility and find peace within yourself. The MM played with your heart and mind and I hope you heal from all of it. I wish you the best.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

She shouldn't be harassing you. But I do have empathy for her pain regardless of sanity. Love makes the best of us crazy. If my xMM's betrayed spouse contacted me in a not so sane way, I would understand why. He has made me crazy too

[oldshirt]

I haven't read any of the other responses or any of your follow-up posts but from reading your opening post, I say you are the one that needs to let it go.

 

 

Let them have their drama and you just try to carry on with your own life as best you can and leave them and their issues behind.

 

 

From her perspective you two were about to get it on in the back of the car in the parking lot and there's no way to ever convince her otherwise.

 

 

If my wife had an affair and I just happened to come across them having a nice little chat face to face, I would have to assume they were either getting ready to bang one out or had just got done banging one out.

 

 

She has committed herself to making this divorce as chaotic and bloody as possible and she will everything she can to leave nothing but scorched earth behind her. The more distance you can put between yourself and both of them the better.

 

 

If it were me that went through something like that, I'd file a restraining order on both of their asses and let them kill each other but just leave me out of it.

 

 

You were pulled into this situation under fraudulent and false pretenses. It's not something you signed up for. Draw a line in the sand around yourself and tell both of them to stay the ***** out of it.

 

 

She's not going to let this go, she has too much invested. You don't really have anything invested so you let this go. Walk away from these two psychos and don't let them anywhere near you.

[veritas lux mea]

I think this woman has control and anger issues and isn't putting her children's welfare first. She is being irrational and hopefully soem day soon she takes responsibility for her actions and owns her sht. Hopefully no one pats her hand and says "don't feel bad, you were hurt" and make excuses for her enabling her into thinking this behaviour is okay. It wasn't. She needs someone to hold her hand an say. You were hurt and angry. That is okay. But you need to get control of your actions and ... Helpful positive advice that will help her be free of her lying cheating husband and help her retain a positive relationship with her kids.

 

But none of that is up to you. You told her your truth and left it at that. I certainly don't get why you felt the need to out in an effort to talk to him. His behaviour has so many holes in it and none you seem to remember or are being soft towards (minimizing). This isn't your fault. But I don't think you should be focusing so much on her. I also don't think you need to hide. I don't think any fWS or fAP should hide and more so because you weren't a real OW.

 

I do think you should have walked away instead of remaining in the drama. I think your excuses are weak and you stayed for no real valued reason. Walking away isn't hiding it is saying. "I want nothing to do with this drama." and I think next time you see him you should ignore him. They are toxic and not good for your life.

[Mickey1982]

Since you have no idea what he has told her, instead of insisting she is xyz, why not just show empathy?

 

Just because she isn't acting like YOU previously have when you were cheated on doesn't mean squat. She is different than you and you have no idea what she has been told nor what her marriage was like. Sure, the cheater gave you his version of things; but did you even stop to think that maybe he is a.. LIAR? You willingly engaged yourself with a man who didn't tell you he was married, right? You took time after finding out that he was married to decide what to do (continue seeing him or end it).

 

Why in the world would you even presume to think she will lose her kids? Because she is having issues with her husband and the woman he had an affair with and she isn't reacting in a manner in which you deem appropriate? Gimme a break.

 

You aren't her. She isn't you. Maybe her entire world was wrapped up in her marriage? Maybe she never envisioned her marriage ending? Maybe she is scared to death how she is going to go on?

 

I have read so many stories on here about OW who contemplate suicide after the affair ends. They cannot function! They aren't the ones who were courted, engaged and married to the man they saw themselves growing old with. They had, at best, a part time relationship with a married man. They were hidden or a secret. They didn't give birth to the cheater's kids! They didn't sweat over paying for daycare, the mortgage, the water bill. They didn't pace the floor with a sick baby, didn't rub the tummy of a vomitting toddler. The wife did this.

 

yet the wife, in your mind, is supposed to just bow out, turn the other cheek, go away and leave the poor, poor cheating husband alone? Doesn't matter that he lied to her time and time again? Doesn't matter that he made her think she was crazy when she had suspicions? For all you know, he tells his wife how you came onto him, how he rejected you and you didn't take no for an answer. You didn't care that he was married; you didn't care that he had a family with her.

 

The point is - you don't know squat about what went on/goes on behind their closed doors.

 

Is she acting out? YEP, big time. But she is a woman who has had her entire life implode and she has no idea how to handle it. She has children to take care of, a home to run, possibly a job outside the home too. What she sees is her husband the the woman he had an affair with, chatting it up and potentially rubbing her nose in their affair. She has no idea. Just like you have no idea what is going on in her head.

 

You don't have to befriend her, care about her or even be decent to her. But you can have empathy for her and you can chose to stop interacting with her husband. All auto places have customer waiting rooms. You easily could have stayed inside while your car was getting it oil changed -- especially knowing full well that you were right next door to the MM's business. You could have chosen to not engage in conversation with him - especially knowing how raw his wife's emotions are right now and knowing you were somewhere that she frequents. Instead, you made choices that ended up being a part of major drama that all could have been avoided.

 

She isn't wrong for feeling what she is feeling. Maybe she isn't acting like YOU would act in the same situation; but that doesn't mean she is wrong. She's just different and you don't get to decide how she should act and react. You aren't the sole cause of her anger and hurt; her husband owns 50% of that (or I am sure you will say he owns 100% since he married her and took vows with her where as you didn't). But she loves him - not you.

 

This situation is still 'new' for her. Just because your feelings for the MM are over, doesn't mean hers should be. Again, read the threads in the OW/OM section -- there are OW who are pining for the MM for years! Yet you expect this wife/mother to just be 'over it' and 'let it go' after only months of finding out the life she knew is over and she has a very scaring future ahead of her (not what she had planned). Show some empathy for her.

 

Jellybean, you really seem to be the EXPERT on what this BS is thinking and feeling...quite amazing!!!!!

[AmyBamy]

I cannot agree with anyone saying that she has the right to act like this. I do not care how hurt someone is there are just things that you don't do no matter how angry or hurt you are. There is no reason for me to tiptoe around her feelings. It's been almost 8 months and she hasn't moved forward at all in her "pain".

 

And an update for you all. Her children are now staying with exmm and he has a protective order against her for himself and for them. She called me late last night, drunk it sounded like and left me several rambling messages. She said that she is only going to have supervised visitation right now and was served last night.

 

She continues to think that I am the problem in her life. I am not the problem in her life nor do I intend to tiptoe around her because she is hurt and can't handle it. I have done and am doing nothing wrong and I intend to continue to live my life freely. It is up to her to handle it not up to me to baby walk her through life. She has had months and months to sort through this ****.

 

The only thing making her life difficult right now is her. She chooses to stalk him and me. She chooses to try to fight an inevitable divorce. She chooses to endanger her children. She chooses all of these things and then wants a free pass because she is hurt. People all over the world are hurt every damn day and they don't use that as an excuse to abuse and harass others. Life is hard for everyone not just her. Her circumstances aren't any more severe than anyone elses.

 

She said in her messages last night which I saved and am taking to the police later today that she doesn't care if he is with anyone else in the world except me because she can't stand the fact that he is in love with me. And that if I continue to talk to him (she said see him, but I don't SEE him) that she is going to **** my world up and make it so miserable for both of us that we will just give up on each other. She is a lunatic. I am not seeing him, I'm not calling him, I'm not taking his calls. In all this time I had one 5 minute conversation with him and he is legally separated and in the midst of a divorce. All interaction before that I was unaware that he was married.

 

So, her threats are going to the police today. I'm done. She has been making this bed for 8 months now and she can lay in it. I tried to be patient, I tried to be understanding. She has had no empathy for me or the situation he put me in yet I'm supposed to have empathy for her? Even though that is ridiculously one sided I still tried to listen to her, to comfort her. She WANTS to be miserable so she will be.

[AmyBamy]

And to everyone saying I shouldn't have spoken to him. Grow up. This is not high school. We are all adults and sometimes you are going to run into people and sometimes you are going to have uncomfortable situations. It's not my fault that she can't handle that. I don't have any reason to hate him. I have understanding of his actions just as I did her actions initially. The difference is he does not stalk me or harass me or act like a lunatic.

 

I will speak to him when I see him. We have common friends and it's bound to happen at times and I have no hard feelings towards him because it's been 8 months and I have moved forward. I might date him in the future and everyone can have their judgment of that. But the more this story unfolds the more I have empathy of his choices. It is my right to forgive him if I so choose everyone's judgment is just noise. I will make my own choices and have the right to do so without being harassed and attacked because she can't handle being "hurt". I can't stop rolling my eyes about this whole thing honestly.

[AmyBamy]

I'm sorry, but as a BS, it really depends. She lost it. She probably later realized that she lost it, and that's okay: If "she lost it" why do you think she should control it?

 

You know some men, when they lose it, they go get their rifle and blow their wive's brains out. Some set fire to their house. There is losing it and there is losing it. So I am not this woman, and I do not know what she went through. I do not know if this woman was completely devoted to this man and is suddenly in a divorce that she had no desire to be in. I do not know if this woman is in incredible trauma over losing her marriage and her husband and realising that she has made a huge mistake investing in him.

 

I only know that people can lose it when they are already suffering, having triggers, having nightmares, feel that they have ZERO control over their lives because of an infidelity, and then without knowing the circumstances, SEE their H's talking with his AP in broad daylight thinking that there was nothing left. It doesn't matter that there are kids in the car. When someone loses it, there is only what you see. It doesn't matter the issue about property. It doesn't matter the car is in the middle of the street, it doesn't matter the police have been called. NOTHING MATTERS BUT THE EXTREME BURST OF PAIN AND TRAUMA SHE IS LIVING THROUGH IN THAT VERY MOMENT.

 

I think you need to cut some slack on this BS, in spite of the kids in the car, because we all could "lose it" some day and only when we regain control over ourselves do we realise HOW OUT OF CONTROL WE REALLY ARE CAPABLE OF GETTING.

 

You are describing how children handle being upset and angry or hurt not adults. That's the difference. Children don't see the big picture. Their feelings and emotions are too big for them and they don't know how to express them in the right way. Adults on the other hand have skills and years of experience behind them that allows them to see the consequences of their actions. Adults have the ability to know that their actions have consequences. She knows damn good and well what is going to happen if she keeps on and she keeps on. She is choosing to act like this it's not beyond her control. Sorry, but if it is she needs help because adults just do not act like this just because they see someone talking to someone.

[AmyBamy]

I think this woman has control and anger issues and isn't putting her children's welfare first. She is being irrational and hopefully soem day soon she takes responsibility for her actions and owns her sht. Hopefully no one pats her hand and says "don't feel bad, you were hurt" and make excuses for her enabling her into thinking this behaviour is okay. It wasn't. She needs someone to hold her hand an say. You were hurt and angry. That is okay. But you need to get control of your actions and ... Helpful positive advice that will help her be free of her lying cheating husband and help her retain a positive relationship with her kids.

 

But none of that is up to you. You told her your truth and left it at that. I certainly don't get why you felt the need to out in an effort to talk to him. His behaviour has so many holes in it and none you seem to remember or are being soft towards (minimizing). This isn't your fault. But I don't think you should be focusing so much on her. I also don't think you need to hide. I don't think any fWS or fAP should hide and more so because you weren't a real OW.

 

I do think you should have walked away instead of remaining in the drama. I think your excuses are weak and you stayed for no real valued reason. Walking away isn't hiding it is saying. "I want nothing to do with this drama." and I think next time you see him you should ignore him. They are toxic and not good for your life.

 

Again there was nowhere to walk away to. And I already said I don't mind talking to him. I can't believe that people really think that I am responsible for her actions! Does that mean that she is responsible for his actions? Because if so then I'm pretty upset with her too for making him have an affair with me!

[AmyBamy]

I haven't read any of the other responses or any of your follow-up posts but from reading your opening post, I say you are the one that needs to let it go.

 

 

Let them have their drama and you just try to carry on with your own life as best you can and leave them and their issues behind.

 

 

From her perspective you two were about to get it on in the back of the car in the parking lot and there's no way to ever convince her otherwise.

 

 

If my wife had an affair and I just happened to come across them having a nice little chat face to face, I would have to assume they were either getting ready to bang one out or had just got done banging one out.

 

 

She has committed herself to making this divorce as chaotic and bloody as possible and she will everything she can to leave nothing but scorched earth behind her. The more distance you can put between yourself and both of them the better.

 

 

If it were me that went through something like that, I'd file a restraining order on both of their asses and let them kill each other but just leave me out of it.

 

 

You were pulled into this situation under fraudulent and false pretenses. It's not something you signed up for. Draw a line in the sand around yourself and tell both of them to stay the ***** out of it.

 

 

She's not going to let this go, she has too much invested. You don't really have anything invested so you let this go. Walk away from these two psychos and don't let them anywhere near you.

 

I have a restraining order on her already. I considered filing one against him initially because he was trying so hard to keep contact with me but when I asked him to leave me be and give me space he did so I didn't feel the need to get one on him.

 

I see what you are saying here and initially that's where I was - just wanting them to ride their crazy train and leave me out of it. But he has not during all of this acted crazy it has been 100% her. He has been respectful to me and my boundaries. He approached me cautiously yesterday and I did allow him to come over and chat - I honestly see no harm in that. They are not a package deal anymore and I should be able to have a chat with him without anything to do with her. I won't even consider having anything further than that with him until the divorce is final which I think will probably now happen faster because of her actions and behaviors. And once the divorce is final then she has absolutely no reason or right whatsoever to have anything to do with he and I having a chat (I dont' think she has a reason to be upset about it now and insert herself).

 

So, I will keep the restraining order and I'm going to the police today with the drunken messages she left me last night threatening me to stay away from him because she can't stand it. Thing is had she approached this like a normal person I would probably have more sympathy for her but at this point I am exhausted with her stupid behaviors and I have no more patience for them. She has drained me of all empathy I had for her by acting the way she does.

[preraph]

The part of what you said that doesn't hold water is that you're still friendly with the MM. Why? You yourself said it was mostly his fault. So why are you still liking him. And you should stay far, far away from his vicinity. I don't buy that that was the only place in town you could have gone to. I think you are sneaking around wanting to run into him. His wife's world has been blown apart and there's kids on the line. Whatever her actions are, I wouldn't fault her. Have some respect and accept your part in this and leave them both alone. Do not try to befriend her. That's just creepy.

[AmyBamy]

I see things a little differently than the other posters. She had spoke with you several times. It would seem she did believe you. I would say in her mind if she was you and had been lied to by a mm that you would hate him or avoid him. So she sees you together. This makes her feel like she was you lied to her. She would feel like a fool all over again. In that state of mind she would believe the affair was ongoing and caused her to go off like that. I am not saying that what she did was okay. Just giving a different point of view.

 

I hadn't thought of it like this so thank you for sharing it. I don't think that's what it was, but it's something I probably should have considered. According to her the most hurtful thing is that he loves me not the affair. I can understand that but I have no control over who he loves and when he was falling in love with me I thought he was single. I didn't purposely alienate his affections even though she admits herself that they hadn't been in love with each other for 10 years or so.

 

Honestly, she is just hung up on the fact that he fell in love with me and that prompted him to file for divorce unbeknownst to me. And she says that they had an agreement to not divorce until the youngest was out of the house and that him telling her that he loves me and wants to leave now is what she can't handle. But I have no control over any of those things.

 

It's so strange to me that some people think that I should just bow out. It doesn't matter if I do because he is divorcing her and she isn't going to change his mind and certainly not acting like she is. I am not the issue. Their marriage was the issue and she admits that! I just happen to be the person he fell in love with and again I can't help that he loves me I don't get to choose who loves me and who doesn't.

[sweet_pea]

Not everyone gets over affairs quickly. Just because you got over your ex-husband's affair rather quickly and divorced as such, doesn't mean she should/will. People heal at different speeds. Clearly this woman is going through things. She shouldn't have acted like that, but obviously she is in a lot of pain.

[carhill]

OP, you might gain some clues from examining their case summary. Dates and types of filings can match up with actions relevant to 'why'. I mention this because you asked why some people can't let it go, in this case apparently even with a RO in place. The divorce process for some can be very contentious and can lend clues and its summary is generally available to the public.