How do I wait?

[Scarlet2]

I was going to type out a whole backstory of how I became the OW but it was getting too long and I just have some things I want to try to figure out right now.

 

I've known my MM for 9 years but we only advanced beyond the emotional affair five months ago. Things were going good, I was happy with the frequency but then he had family issues come up and he's so busy at work that we haven't been able to see each other as often as we were.

 

Recently I asked to see him and he told me to be patient, everything will work out and promises that we'll spend more time together, he wants work to slow down, but I don't know if he's just saying that to make me feel better or if he really means it. For as long as I've known him, he's always kept his word to me, granted it was never instantaneous but if he promises, he does follow through eventually. I trust him but because of our situation, his actions are throwing me off.

 

I always thought the OW got more attention than the wife but that's not happening at all here. I don't get late night visits, or weekends, no covert ops stuff, no gifts, I don't get phone calls, emails or texts. He keeps telling me he's not ignoring me on purpose, he just doesn't know what else he can do to make me feel differently and not get caught at the same time. I don't know how this is supposed to work if there isn't some type of connection when we are away from each other. The only sure way to not get caught is to not do it in the first place or he should get divorced.

 

Am I supposed to wait like he asked or just go back to being platonic friends? If I wait, how do I wait? Am I not supposed to ask to see him? Am I supposed to not contact him anymore and just let him do all the contacting first? Is he going to think I don't want to be with him if he doesn't hear from me even though I'm just waiting for him to talk to me first?

 

I'm trying to be understanding and patient because he does have a lot of responsibilities and he would see me if he could but I'm confused because this isn't how I expected things to go and apparently I don't know how to be the OW. Maybe he's taking advantage of my loyalty and figures he doesn't have to work to keep it going...how do I change his perception of that?

 

Actually now that I'm typing all this out, it doesn't make sense why he wanted me when his wife and family clearly have priority. Granted I don't know what's going on at his house, I just know he's not at mine, so I think it's safe to assume he doesn't need me, but why wouldn't he just end it instead of asking me to be patient?

[purplesorrow]

I was going to type out a whole backstory of how I became the OW but it was getting too long and I just have some things I want to try to figure out right now.

 

I've known my MM for 9 years but we only advanced beyond the emotional affair five months ago. Things were going good, I was happy with the frequency but then he had family issues come up and he's so busy at work that we haven't been able to see each other as often as we were.

 

Recently I asked to see him and he told me to be patient, everything will work out and promises that we'll spend more time together, he wants work to slow down, but I don't know if he's just saying that to make me feel better or if he really means it. For as long as I've known him, he's always kept his word to me, granted it was never instantaneous but if he promises, he does follow through eventually. I trust him but because of our situation, his actions are throwing me off.

 

I always thought the OW got more attention than the wife but that's not happening at all here. I don't get late night visits, or weekends, no covert ops stuff, no gifts, I don't get phone calls, emails or texts. He keeps telling me he's not ignoring me on purpose, he just doesn't know what else he can do to make me feel differently and not get caught at the same time. I don't know how this is supposed to work if there isn't some type of connection when we are away from each other. The only sure way to not get caught is to not do it in the first place or he should get divorced.

 

Am I supposed to wait like he asked or just go back to being platonic friends? If I wait, how do I wait? Am I not supposed to ask to see him? Am I supposed to not contact him anymore and just let him do all the contacting first? Is he going to think I don't want to be with him if he doesn't hear from me even though I'm just waiting for him to talk to me first?

 

I'm trying to be understanding and patient because he does have a lot of responsibilities and he would see me if he could but I'm confused because this isn't how I expected things to go and apparently I don't know how to be the OW. Maybe he's taking advantage of my loyalty and figures he doesn't have to work to keep it going...how do I change his perception of that?

 

Actually now that I'm typing all this out, it doesn't make sense why he wanted me when his wife and family clearly have priority. Granted I don't know what's going on at his house, I just know he's not at mine, so I think it's safe to assume he doesn't need me, but why wouldn't he just end it instead of asking me to be patient?

Hi, I think the better question here is why would you wait? Is he that great that he is worth sharing? What is it that you are wanting out of this? I think you deserve someone who is all yours. Why would you expect to get more time than his wife? Are you hoping he leaves her for you? The how of your question is actually quite easy, you put your feelings and needs and wants on hold until he makes time in his very busy schedule for you.

[scatterd]

I also wonder why you would want to be with someone that is not committed to you. Obviously he does not want to get caught by his wife an promising you that things will change means nothing. This is his way of of keeping you on the side longer and later the excuse will be something else. I hope you do not waste any more time with this man. If he wanted to be with you he would do it now. Also he would not be trying so hard to hide this. I hope you will come to terms with this and find someone who is your own and that can give you it all with no drama and wasted time. Many have given due dates and not followed through just do some reading here. I wish you the best and I do not think he is the best for you. Even if he did leave how could you trust he would not do the same thing to you as he is doing to his wife now. He made promises to her also and he has given her broken promises which shows what he is capable of. Good luck I hope you can find what you deserve which is more then this.

[still_an_Angel]

I understand where you're coming from Scarlet, being the OW is never easy. Is this your first A? Are you single? No kids? I think its harder when you have no pressing responsibilities yourself, you have time to think and over-think things. When you agreed to be his OW, not only are you his secret lover but you get the bonus of being his secret life, secret delight, secret everything. Therefore you come after everything else, family, work, maybe social stuff, you know what I mean. Much as he would like to place you in the queue of priorities in his life, the fact that he needs to keep and protect his secret, well, your number falls in the ladder. This is the reality of being the OW. You have to fully embrace it, accept that he is always busy, has a family emergency, work crisis, etc and you are not in a position to be there with him, for him (in the official and legal capacity) and will have to wait. Its a lot of waiting, thats the truth. Having no commitment and no obligations to you, except.maybe what he tells you verbally, places you in a very uncertain position. I'm sorry this may not be what you would like to hear but this is reality. There is no balancing act because the scales had already been tipped not in your favour, but his wife to begin with.

 

You might need to re-evaluate your position, your life, your priorities and needs. Are you fully prepared to take this 'filler' position in his life? Are you happy to play second fiddle? This will lead you to the answer that you seek. Make this decision all about you, he cannot participate and he gets no voting rights because he cannot offer you the commitment that you want and need. He already has one. Please know that as harsh as I may come across, I do feel for you, I also stand in the same shoes as you are as I am also the OW.

[Scarlet2]

I've thought about this and I think the reason I wait is because he technically waited for me, although I didn't know he was doing that at the time. I was single for about 2 years before I felt I wanted to start dating and when he found out my plan, he approached me about having the affair. He said he knew it was selfish that he couldn't be a real boyfriend for me because of him being married but he didn't want anyone else to have me either and he was afraid I was going to leave his life.

 

Also I know this sounds like I'm reaching, but I feel this affair saved me from getting cervical cancer. I'm not a promiscuous person, the last time I had sex before him was seven years ago and I've never been to a gyno before. It was because of him that I went for the first time and my abnormal cells would have continued to get worse without me knowing it.

 

Both married and single men approach me all the time but I always say no because there's never been chemistry and I don't want to settle. It appears like I'm settling for my MM because I can't have him full time but we really are a good match. When DD comes, the people that know us won't really be surprised because they always compare us to a modern day Burns and Allen.

 

Yes, this is my first A, I am single, no kids, never been married. You are right that I have too much time to over think things especially since I am also an adult orphan, as all my relatives are dead. If he were to divorce his wife, she would have her adult kids and grandkids and other family members, whereas I don't have that kind of support network.

 

I don't know how to bring it up but I don't think he plans on divorcing her. She makes more money than me, he'd be downgrading if he picked me over her and I also feel he's not afraid of losing me anymore.

 

Sometimes I feel like I can be second fiddle because I do agree with polygamy but because our contact is so limited lately, I agree I need to re-evalute. Please do not worry about coming across as harsh with me, I very much appreciate your views especially since you can relate.

[jellybean89]

Why do you want to be an OW?

 

It seems like you are way more into it than he is...he doesn't call/text/email.....but he definitely enjoys the attention you give him (by calling/texting/emailing him).

 

What is in this for you? Do you think he is going to leave his wife for you?

 

At this point, it sounds like he is just saying whatever is necessary to keep you quiet - so you don't tell his wife (and others) about the affair.

 

If you want to be the OW, you have to realize you most likely won't be prioritized before the wife, work, kids, friends, etc. It seems like you want the excitement of the affair (the secrecy and all that), but you are sad that he isn't making any effort and all the effort comes from you reaching out to him.

 

So what is it you are expecting from having an affair with a married man?

[Popsicle]

I understand where you're coming from Scarlet, being the OW is never easy. Is this your first A? Are you single? No kids? I think its harder when you have no pressing responsibilities yourself, you have time to think and over-think things. When you agreed to be his OW, not only are you his secret lover but you get the bonus of being his secret life, secret delight, secret everything. Therefore you come after everything else, family, work, maybe social stuff, you know what I mean. Much as he would like to place you in the queue of priorities in his life, the fact that he needs to keep and protect his secret, well, your number falls in the ladder. This is the reality of being the OW. You have to fully embrace it, accept that he is always busy, has a family emergency, work crisis, etc and you are not in a position to be there with him, for him (in the official and legal capacity) and will have to wait. Its a lot of waiting, thats the truth. Having no commitment and no obligations to you, except.maybe what he tells you verbally, places you in a very uncertain position. I'm sorry this may not be what you would like to hear but this is reality. There is no balancing act because the scales had already been tipped not in your favour, but his wife to begin with.

 

You might need to re-evaluate your position, your life, your priorities and needs. Are you fully prepared to take this 'filler' position in his life? Are you happy to play second fiddle? This will lead you to the answer that you seek. Make this decision all about you, he cannot participate and he gets no voting rights because he cannot offer you the commitment that you want and need. He already has one. Please know that as harsh as I may come across, I do feel for you, I also stand in the same shoes as you are as I am also the OW.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself. This is spot on.

[Speakingofwhich]

It seems as if you're getting very little attention at all from him. No phone calls or texts between your times together, I think you wrote.

 

His communication with you may not improve, even if he intends for it to. Just because life doesn't slow down and if he's too busy to communicate much now it's hard to see how that will change in the future.

 

An A is difficult enough when you're getting all of the attention you want to be getting. But, given he's not staying in communication that would cause me to break off the R. It seems very disrespectful to me, to make love to a person and not stay in communication with them daily.

 

I'm so sorry to read you're an adult orphan. A concern I have for you is that affairs tend to isolate people from others. And since you're already alone in a sense, it seems it would be wise for you to date single men who invite you out so that you can find someone to build a life with. Also, make an effort to build friendships with other women so that you'll have a network of friends for support.

[2sunny]

He didn't wait 2 years - he was married.

 

He can't date you, he can't see you much because he's married.

 

He's not available because of work - it's because he's married.

 

See the pattern?

 

 

Date someone SINGLE and available to see you often!

 

No, don't wait... He's not available! YOY want to waste the next 10-20 years waiting? I hope you don't, it happens!

[scorpio1978]

You don't know how this is supposed to work?? It isn't. He's married. What are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself? Move on. Find a single man. Plain and simple

[preraph]

Married men will use every delaying tactic necessary to keep two women on the hook at the same time. Do not EVER wait for a man because he's with another woman. Go out, have fun, and don't be available every time he calls! Be smart. Create an even playing field. He's probably not leaving her, but even if he does, why would you want someone who's that good at cheating. You'd always have to wonder...

[Popsicle]

Married men will use every delaying tactic necessary to keep two women on the hook at the same time.

 

This IS true, unfortunately. You just have to decide if you feel like playing along in the game or not.

[2sunny]

Instead of asking how you wait - I wish you were asking how do you end it.

 

You could be waiting forever... So IF you plan to wait - sit back - get REALLY patient - and expect nothing from him - and read up how to get really good at feeling sad, angry and lonely.

 

When you choose a MM it is often very frustrating. He will never be able to do things your way, so get good at settling often.

 

I wish you wouldn't settle - you deserve better!

[Speakingofwhich]

Married men will use every delaying tactic necessary to keep two women on the hook at the same time.

 

This quote has found a permanent home in my mind. It's often true, though not always. Thanks, preraph.

[whichwayisup]

I don't get late night visits, or weekends, no covert ops stuff, no gifts, I don't get phone calls, emails or texts. He keeps telling me he's not ignoring me on purpose, he just doesn't know what else he can do to make me feel differently and not get caught at the same time. I don't know how this is supposed to work if there isn't some type of connection when we are away from each other. The only sure way to not get caught is to not do it in the first place or he should get divorced.

 

What is it that you're looking for here? An affair with him, having stolen moments when he can 'fit' you into his life, being the OW and settling to be second fiddle? Hoping he will divorce his wife of many years to be with you after a short emotional affair?

 

You deserve better. You may love him a lot but his actions and words do tell you that he isn't looking to leave. He doesn't want to get caught, isn't investing you much at all so why continue having this with him? What's in it for you?

 

Ask yourself more questions about what you will and won't put up with rather than wondering what he will do next.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd end it before it takes off into something more serious.

 

9 years of friendship now is gone, it's not platonic and it's not innocent so no way can you two go back to being just friends.

 

Does he have kids to consider in all this? If yes, then the chances of him actually leaving are really low.

[Hope Shimmers]

The thing is, there is nothing to wait for, because even if you decide today that you are happy in an affair with this man indefinitely, almost all of the time they will break it off eventually (usually because they get caught by the spouse) and so there is no future of any kind.

 

So really, all you are waiting for is for him to end things with you. From personal experience, that isn't fun, and the less time you waste hanging on until that happens, the better.

[Scarlet2]

His youngest kid is 17.

 

When it first started, he would keep double checking with me, asking if I'm going to be able to handle the arrangement emotionally and that if I couldn't, he wanted me to let him know. I brought up my concern about it ending eventually (because I know it will have to end if he continues to be married or gets caught or if I want to be married too someday), the ending is when I might have a rough time. He was like "how can you be happy with something if all you're focused on is the ending. If a girl is always talking about it ending, it makes the guy think that's what she wants, she wants it to end."

 

I admit I have abandonment issues and I may have lost relationships because of it but this is the kind where you do have to be aware of the end. What he said applies to normal relationships, right?

 

I don't know what to tell him the next time we talk. Am I even allowed to express to him that my expectations aren't being meant or will he take that as an ultimatum? Is being the OW always one sided, or is it just in my situation?

[georgia girl]

I don't know what to tell him the next time we talk. Am I even allowed to express to him that my expectations aren't being meant or will he take that as an ultimatum? Is being the OW always one sided, or is it just in my situation?

 

 

 

Scarlet2,

 

 

This really concerns me. Regardless of who your partner is, you should always feel comfortable ad confident in expressing your expectations and needs. Your partner will hopefully be honest and express his ability to meet your needs. Then, you negotiate terms of endearment. If, he can't meet your needs and they're deal-breakers for you, you walk away. If he finds your needs too much for him, he may walk away. But, there must always be that negotiation.

 

 

If what you're saying above is that you don't have that ability (or right, shall we say) in this relationship, then my take is that this is not healthy in any way shape or form for you. And even if you want with all your heart to stay in it, because you're not able to be an equal party, there's no way it can work. That's unfortunately, the way I see it. Only if both parties can have some equity and equal footing in a relationship does it ever have a chance in you-know-what of it surviving. If you don't have it, it would be best to walk away.

 

 

Sorry for the tough love but what you wrote here is actually very scary to me.

[Scarlet2]

The thing is, in retrospect, he really isn't doing anything differently than before our A started. I looked at my phone and the date stamps and who contacted who first, it's still the same as it was. You wouldn't even know anything changed except me telling him I miss him the last month. I guess I just expected it to increase once we changed levels. I like knowing if I'm being thought about or missed but he doesn't tell me but he didn't before either, so this is my problem.

 

How is he able to control himself from contacting me as much as I want to contact him? I understand when he says he doesn't want to get caught but other AP's contact each other all the time and don't get caught, at least not right away... Is he really that scared of getting caught or is it because he really doesn't want it to end or what else could it be? If he has or had OW, would they put up with that?

 

I want to tell him I'm having a rough time with the lack of communication but I don't know how to word it so that I'm not needy or demanding because I feel he's just going to restate that he doesn't know how else to do it without getting caught and that I'm supposed to assume he's not ignoring me on purpose. Easier said than done. It hurts so much that's he's not initiating contact for the past month. He told me to wait so that's what I'm doing, for now, but I'm still over thinking...

 

I wonder if maybe he's feeling guilty and he's trying to concentrate on his W, and if that's the case, wouldn't he end it with me instead of telling me to wait?

[WasOtherWoman]

Maybe I look at this differently then some, but in my humble opinion, when If a married man is having an affair with A single woman he needs to step up his game if he wants to keep her.

 

When I was in my affair, I was playing for keeps. If he wanted to be with me then he needed to make that happen.

 

A man will find time for a woman if he wants to and will move heaven and earth if he wants to be with her. Don't you deserve that kind of man?

[Scarlet2]

Yes, I do deserve and want a man like that. That's what I thought I was getting when I agreed to the A. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt though, in that he may be telling me the truth, that he's extremely busy with work and family issues right now. I don't know everything but I know some of the current issues. I'm trying to be understanding and not so selfish.

 

I'll wait it out another month and if it's still the same excuse, I think it's safe to assume he doesn't want me anymore or he's taking me for granted that I won't ever end it.

 

Would I be asking too much if I request to at least be able to see him a specific day once a month if it can't be every week anymore? But then again he'd have to want to.

[WasOtherWoman]

No, you would not be out of line asking for one week a month, one day a week, every day of the week. You are the single one with all of the options, it is up to him to try to please you. You should ask for whatever would make you happy. And if he is unwilling to provide that, you should absolutely find someone will will.