should i divorce?

[colette123456]

I never thought i would post something like this but here goes.

 

I met my husband fresh out of high school. I had just turned 19 (im 28 now). I never had a boyfriend before that or even any kind of sexual experience besides kissing. I live a certain lifestyle where i wont "hook up" with someone unless i love them. No one ever liked me because of this lifestyle along with being drug free and not going to parties or anything.

 

We have been together almost 9 years and just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary. We have no children. However, i feel utterly lost.

 

The main thing is that i absolutely cannot stand when my husband touches me. I am completely grossed out by him. We have sex maybe once a month because i feel bad for him. When its happening, i feel close to tears because im just so disgusted. Honestly, its been that way from the beginning. Ive never been like head over heels sexually attracted to him. But hes such a nice guy.

 

BUT i do fantasize about being intimate with other people but maybe everyone does that?

 

I feel like i am not a person anymore. He controls everything. Hes not controlling, he just leads the way i guess and i follow. He wont move farther away than 2 blocks from his mom (hes a huge mamas boy). I once asked him if there was a fire and he could only save me or his mom, who would he save? He never answered so we all know the answer to that. We spend entire days just sitting at his parentz house then when its time to see my family, he complains endlessly. I live 10 minutes away from my parents and siblings and only see them every couple months bc of this.

 

He is really a great guy. And i know he would literally take a bullet for me.

 

The thing is, hes sort of like obsessed with me. I dont think im good looking but i see other guys looking and my husbands friends always tell him how hot i am. I tried leaving him once about 2 years ago and he begged and begged and i had no place to go at that time so i stayed. Then i found out i had a hypo thyroid and i thought maybe i was depressed bc.of that?

 

However, my feelings with sex never changed. Ive started to become terrified of what my life is going to be like in 10 years. Im so young and i feel trapped, like i have no freedom. My other friends with boyfriends or spouses are always hanging out with friends. We always hang out with his friends but when i wanna go out by myself with friends, he gets all pissy so i never go out.hes always on his phone playing games and stuff. Whenever im on my.phone in front of him, hes constantly asking what im doing and looking over my shoulder. I feel like he doesnt trust me but ive never given him a reason not to. Hes the first boyfriend i ever had!my friends think its cuz hes.constantly afraid of losing me because i am (well they say so) too good looking for him. I dont think so and i firmly believe its not all about looks but you do hafta be sexually attracted to someone.

 

The thought of leaving and being "free" fills.me.with excitement. I think we were too young when we met and i want different things now.

 

Please do not post mean comments. Im lookng for advice.**My friends all say leave because they know ive been unhappy for years now. Im looking for advice from people outside the situation.

 

Thanks

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Yasuandio]

Honey, you got married too young, in my opinion. (I married at 29, and had completed my Master's degree). You have possibly missed out on a lot. What have you done, career wise during this time? You didn't mention anything other than being tied to a control freak, that you are not crazy about, and who won't let you be yourself. You have many years ahead of you. The next thing ya know, you'll be saddled with kids, and your jail sentence will be extended another 18 years with this man, and a lifetime of family commitments that he will like be a participant of. How does that picture look? Do you want to be living divorced and jobless in a trailer with a couple young ones?

 

On the other hand, you could get out on probation right now - before you get in any deeper. There is no reason you couldn't still see the man if you and he still wished, after a divorce. But with a divorce or separation, you will have freedom to grow up without him giving out the orders.

 

The Mama boy thing speaks for itself. It doesn't look likely to change. If you were on your own, THAT situation would not "feel" like such an obligation. Of course, you can can always say "no.". But that is not the girl he married. Therefore, becoming a more assertive, independent woman probably isn't going to go over very well with him.

 

It is all up to you. There seem to be more "cons" than "pros" in your story. You can only control what you do, and what you determine you're willing to accept, period. That is as nice as I can put it. Yas

 

PS. Either way, if I were you, I'd get enrolled in a college degree program for a marketable degree, ASAP, if you don't already have one. If you do have a BA or BS degree, I would get working on-line for your Master's toot-sweet.

Edited May 24, 2014 by Yasuandio

[colette123456]

Thank you for the reply.

 

I DO think we.got married too young. I never even wanted to get married, i just thought it was the "right" thing to do.

 

I already have a bachelors degree in accounting. It was the one thing i did for myself through this entire relationship in hopes to get out of this run down town i grew up in. However, i hear about it.everyday..how i have student loans and its ruining our finances and he makes more money than me.and.never went to school so hes constantly rubbing it in my face.

 

I do work full time as an accountant right now but dont make too much money because i live in a veryyy poor area that was really hit hard with the recession. If i moved somewhere, like a big city, i could be making a lot more money.

 

I know its going to destroy him though if i leave and i cant imagine hurting someone that much which is why i feel stuck. And hes SO obsessed with me, i know women dream about men loving them but his obsession turns me off and makes me mad actually. But im unhappy and i cant imagine living the rest of my life like this or even just the next few years

 

Thanks

[Yasuandio]

You have a Bacholors degree in Accounting? That is GREAT! So what about student loans, how much can that be? Get enrolled in Master's and CPA programs and have loans deferred. Start applying all over the country for assistantships or research/teaching associates positions, or internships that may turn into full-time jobs. The aforementioned offer free tuition in many cases!

 

Beautiful! Good girl! Thank your lucky stars! Start applying, see what happens, and then compare your options. I bet the decision will be much easier, once you see some OPTIONS. I did that when my husband left me early in the marriage. Guess what! I got accepted at three different universities for my doctorate degree. I decided on The Ohio State University, sold the house in 2 days, and purchased a home in Columbus during my interview where I was offered the full Ph.D. package, free, and teaching/research associateship. Just like that. He almost died. It was so exciting! My mistake: When I finially had my freedom, and a great set-up, suddenly, he wanted to come with me. That is it right there. First of many mistakes I made.

 

You are not going to grow to like this guy any better ten years from when you are 39. And he will only get worse over time, not better. Honey, get your wings on, and fly while you can. And bravo to you for pulling of that degree during the marriage. That is a miricle. That is the hardest step, really, that first degree, 4 year commitment. I cannot imagine doing that degree with marital responsibilities. So far, so good. Don't get pregnant, or your life is going to be a mess. Yas

[jwi71]

The main thing is that i absolutely cannot stand when my husband touches me. I am completely grossed out by him. We have sex maybe once a month because i feel bad for him. When its happening, i feel close to tears because im just so disgusted. Honestly, its been that way from the beginning. Ive never been like head over heels sexually attracted to him. But hes such a nice guy.

 

This is not good.

Physical touch is a cornerstone to a healthy M - and here, in this M for you - it abhors you. There is no easy or fast fix for this and staying M.

 

Personally - D is sounding like a good option.

 

BUT i do fantasize about being intimate with other people but maybe everyone does that?

 

Normal fantasy - if someone where to tell me they DON'T fantasize about sex with others I'd call them a liar.

 

I feel like i am not a person anymore. He controls everything. Hes not controlling, he just leads the way i guess and i follow. He wont move farther away than 2 blocks from his mom (hes a huge mamas boy). I once asked him if there was a fire and he could only save me or his mom, who would he save? He never answered so we all know the answer to that. We spend entire days just sitting at his parentz house then when its time to see my family, he complains endlessly. I live 10 minutes away from my parents and siblings and only see them every couple months bc of this.

 

Yet another incompatibility.

The thought of leaving and being "free" fills.me.with excitement. I think we were too young when we met and i want different things now.

 

Yeah - this pretty much seals it.

For reasons that are simply not easily defined - we'll just say you married to soon to someone you didn't truly know. You are simply incompatible.

 

No one is right or wrong - just not suited for a good M as you alluded to.

 

Time to move on

[colette123456]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

 

I finally.broke down and talked to my twin sister about everythinf. It feels so good to get it off my chest to a family member.

 

I have a pretty large amount of student loans...$30,000. But i know i could get a good job if i moved. I started looking into grad schools in san francisco. Thats where my best friend lives and where ive wanted to live since i was young. I get excited thinking about ir.

[SugarLips72]

You sound completely miserable. It is not normal or fair to your husband to stay in this marriage. It is not normal to have sex once a month and to force yourself to do it. You are not in love with him anymore. Maybe see a counselor and talk to them to make sure you are making the right decision but it sounds like you are. You have no kids and nothing to lose really. If you had children I would encourage you to go to couples counseling.

 

 

Good luck

[Yasuandio]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

 

I finally.broke down and talked to my twin sister about everythinf. It feels so good to get it off my chest to a family member.

 

I have a pretty large amount of student loans...$30,000. But i know i could get a good job if i moved. I started looking into grad schools in san francisco. Thats where my best friend lives and where ive wanted to live since i was young. I get excited thinking about ir.

 

So what about student loans? Defer them, if fact, there are some service oriented ways to get out of them. You could give a year overseas to one of these programs while you are zooming for the best deal for grad school. You have to get moving though. Once you are a San Francisco CPA, you'll be making the bucks, and driving a Portche. Student loans are one payment a month at low interest rate - big deal. Worry about it later, when money is coming out your ears because you picked an outstanding profession. Yas

 

PS. Just do not pay money for higher degree - you dont have to do that. Us lazy professors WANT motivated grad students like you to teach our classes, so we can put our feet on our desk and theorize. Don't ever let the cat outta the bag about that, ok?

Edited May 26, 2014 by Yasuandio